girltrappedinside

I've noticed the same thing, about the nuances of searching for a job when you have one, or don't have one. When you don't have one, it seems like there is really nothing in the local papers (by the way, I'm going to start using the yellow pages instead) that would interest you, and it seems like you're not qualified for any of the positions. Once you have a job, though, it's a lot easier to weed out the legitimate positions from the fake ones, and you seem to know what's your cup of tea, and what isn't. Two things I have learned: - the odds are not good that answering an ad from a temporary staffing agency (as in spending an hour or more to register with them) will land you a job in the next couple of weeks. The truth is that most staffing agencies are only accepting applications for the jobs that they HOPE to hire for. - the odds are even worse that sending in your resume to an email address or post office box (as dictated by a job ad) will land you a jobl. Most of the time, you're just blindly sending your resume to someone who will quickly glance over your email (or not bother downloading the attachment you sent), then delete it. Or, you will be sending your resume to someone who's just collecting resumes for his or her OWN job hunting prospects. Rotten, I know. But, that crap happens often nowadays.

Wow, this thread spoke VOLUMES to me! At my job there are a bunch of rednecks and thugs. Some of them do talk to me, but only in a "how's it goin'?" sort of way, but never any really deep conversation. The other guys don't say a peep to me. The only people I've had any real conversation with there are women. My supervisor (who I strongly feel is a lesbian, I'm bisexual) and a co-worker (who I think is open-minded enough to have at least 'experimented'). The other day the co-worker told me that she knew I was 'different' from the first day I started working there, that I was "very tune with the world around you". You think? LOL! You have to be when you're trying to guard your sexual orientation. I also think that when you're having an identity crisis, in terms of "who you are", it makes you more sensitive to the world around you. Everytime I come onto my shift, I feel like I have to go into super-macho mode in order to be accepted, and that all eyes are on me. The only thing I take comfort in is my suspicion that a number of people I work with are something other than straight. I don't know, maybe when I've been working there awhile longer I'll open up more and be myself.

In my experiences, trust me here, you should NEVER ask the other person where you're both at in the relationship. A relationship is not something to be judged, analyzed, or scrutinized. To do so just puts pressure on the relationship. In fact, I'd venture to say that she doesn't have a whole lot of trust in your commitment to this thing (sorry), and after you asked her that you probably made her wonder (or only reinforced such thinking) when you'd ask her that again or if you're creating some sort of timeline to decide whether you really want to be around her or not. It does sound like she enjoys being with you, or she wouldn't be hanging around you so much. Unless, of course, you're a stud who has a lot of 'guy friends' and she's hoping to hook up with one of them. I'd lay off the scrutinizing of the relationship, and since she did tell you that she's been hurt in the past, wants to take it slow, she DOES think a lot of you. Just worry about yourself, be the same ol' cool guy you've been, keep check of her feelings (every girl loves flowers when feeling down), and you'll both be just fine.

Butterflycloud, hate to burst your bubble, but....you sound like the brat in this particular case. It sure sounds to me that you should be worrying more about your quickness to judge others, and that being 'soft' on your children is NOT the way to raise children up to be kind-natured, law-abiding citizens. Wonder why schools can't teach the kids anything more? Because the kids have no respect for their teachers. Why is that, you ask? Because the kids have no respect for their children. While I do NOT advocate beating your children (I was physically abused as a child, and experienced other trauma as a child, too), I do know that it is quite possible to both discipline your children (which they DO need) AND let your children know that you're only concerned for their being and their future. Let me ask you this, Butterflycloud. Do you want to be a Mommy to your children, or a Friend? Rarely do the two mix, and you certainly will have little respect from your children (which will carry over to how they deal with authority elsewhere) if you choose the latter choice. Think about it. I'd say the same thing to your husband that I just said to you, if I had the chance. It sounds like you both need to think of each other FIRST (or at least you should have), your children SECOND (and a very close second at that). Good luck!

What other avenues of expressing my other "side" are there? One of them that I have been thinking of lately is to take theatre and/or dancing classes, though I'm not sure just how tolerant those environments would be of me just being.....me. There are days that I do feel masculine, but MOST of the time I feel either NOTHING (as in not feeling particularly masculine or feminine) or some form of supressed feminity. Not my wife's fault at all, and I'm not looking at all to point fingers. I realize that we're all wired differently, but in a cosmic way we are all woven together.

Thanks for the replies, friends. Yeah, my wife is aware of the bookstore incident. I think that I am a pretty honest person with her. Anytime that I have lied to her (only time has been when I kept parts about my sexual tendancies and experiences in the past, secret), I've always been overwhelmed with a guilty conscious and told her the truth. I know that's not a good excuse, and I honestly believe that there is NEVER a good excuse for lying, but she has become more and more open about who I am on the inside, more accepting. At least she says so. Recently she did leave me for a couple of weeks. There were a lot of pressures on her. She's pregnant, the baby is due in May. My job history has been spotty at best. I'm one of those persons with an obsolete (or at least diminshed in demand) two-year college degree, it's been very difficult for me to find work that is intellectually stimulating for me, and a pleasant environment to work in. Usually you don't get that stimulation working in a factory on a production line. Part of the reason she left me was that it hurt her that I let another man touch me (oral sex only), because to her that seems a void that she can't fill in our sexual relationship. I'm into anal sex, the receiving end of it. I play with sex toys. You know, I do not think that I'm a gay man. I took that gay/straight/bisexual test online last night, and it said (I know, just another quiz of millions out there) I was "absolutely bisexual", or something like that. Loving her does mean that I will not ever touch another man in a sexual way again. That does make me sad. I can't change that part of me. For her, me, or anyone else. But, I love her enough that I will suppress part of myself (unless she opens up a bit more or becomes more dominant at times in our sex) til death do us part. I'm satisfied sexually with her. She was a 34 year old virgin (no lie, I got my "blood wings", LOL) when I met her, and I can see her opening up a little more over time. While there is no question that I am attracted to men, too (feminine men, dominant men, it really doesn't matter as long as I feel they're 'pretty', and I've always been strongly attracted to the transsexual scene), I am very much attracted to women, too. Quite honestly (sometimes I get the feeling my wife doesn't believe me, LOL), when I am attracted to men it's in a sexual sense. Secret desires and fantasies, things like that. When I'm attracted to women, it seems it's either butts that I'm attracted to, or it's the clothing and mannerisms that I'm attracted to. I'm rambling, and don't really know the direction I want to go with in my thoughts here. At my work place I'm just a temp employee, and because my wife left her job for awhile, she lost her insurance benefits. Now, if I could just figure out a dang way to KEEP MY HAIR!

I do not believe in separation, since two people that truly love each other (though it is normal to not always be IN LOVE with each other) are not meant to be separated. If you separate, then you will both find out for sure whether you were meant for each other or not. You'll either feel more at peace, less stressed, more 'free', without each other, or you will find that there is a huge hole in your soul, whether the other person used to be. Aside from that, separation causes permanent damage to trust in a relationship. It creates that 'when is the next time we will separate?' feeling. Are you feeling me?

Pretty sad title for a message, huh? That's how I feel at the moment. Tonight, after my wife went to work her shift as a nurse I tried on the maternity clothes (green blouse with sequens, and green maternity pants) and furry house slippers, and did some poses in front of the mirror. I do not know why, but when I put on feminine clothing I feel more sexy. I don't necessarily LOOK sexy. In order to be able to look at myself in the mirror I had to shave my goatee. My face has that "filled in" look that persons have a number of years after they have finished high school. I inherited my eyes, nose and lips from my mother. My face is soft, appearance-wise and to the touch. My body is 'average' in appearance. Definitely not 'feminine', but I would say that it is softer than average for a male. My butt is my greatest ASSet, figuratively speaking. I believe I inherited my butt (and perhaps my hips, since they're sort of big for a male) from my mother, LOL. I did some poses in erotic fashion, bending over to touch my toes and admire the way my butt looks in those maternity pants. Thinking back to the one time that I dressed enfemme in public (a night out on the town) way back in the mid 1990's when I was in my early 20's, my butt has kept its lovely shape ever since. In a twisted sort of way it's sometimes the only thing I feel I have left that keeps a firm grip on that hidden girly side of me. What I mean is, that I am losing my hair. Right down the middle of my head. It depresses me often, and I can't wait until there are actually 'hair banks' that sell hair to be transplanted. I will be the FIRST in line to get that part of my youth and 'pretty boy' looks back, LOL! So, in the meantime I just focus on the parts of my body that still appear shapely, young, whatever. I'm rambling, sorry. In the past my wife and I talked about my gender "confusion". No doubt I have some confusion with my gender. It shows in the way I converse with people. I'm soft with guys, in a submissive sort of way. I've never been a macho sort of guy, someone who feels the need to snort, fart, scratch armpits, whatever, in order to feel accepted into the gang of monkeys. I love beautiful colors, telling women that their hair looks wonderful, or telling guys that they look nice in a certain shirt, etc. I'm pretty emotional for a guy. I shed tears when I hear stories about people that overcome obstacles or that experience heartache. I cry when I watch sad movies, hear songs from my favorite years (the 1980's), or read sad books. I cry when people are hurt, when our pits are hurt. I love listening to the things that women talk about, but have a difficult time conversing with them as a 'man'. There are only two women at my workplace that I feel I get along with, like, and am accepted by. One is a lesbian, I'm pretty sure about that. The other one told me the other day that "could tell the first day I met you that you are in tune with the world around you, that you're 'different'". The guys there I'm not sure whether I get along with. Honestly, I feel sort of attracted to a number of them. Please note that I would NEVER cheat on my wife, and that means that unless I ever become divorced from her (she is literally my other half, so I refuse to see that happening) I won't be doing anything sexual with men. [Edited: I DID do some sexually with a man recently in a "bookstore", had totally blocked that out of my mind, Sorry] I feel trapped, to say the least. I can't "go out" with men, and do macho things, because I'm for the most part not interested in doing things that are macho. And, I can't go out with women, either, because that wouldn't feel right to me. I wouldn't like it if my wife went out with "guy friends". I hate to sound possessive, but maybe that's just the way I was brought up, LOL. My wife and I have talked about the things that I would want to do cosmetically. I would never want breasts (definitely not as long as I am married to her, and definitely not unless I looked like a woman otherwise from the outside), and I would NEVER lose the friend that hangs between my legs, LOL. My little buddy down there has been with me since the beginning, and he's sticking with me 'til the end. Besides, we have an ongoing relationship, and I keep in touch with him often. The things that I WOULD want to do are to make my face more androgynous. For me, that is the most obvious thing that needs to change. A feminine face would fit my personality perfectly. That would mean having a normal-looking head of hair, more feminine facial cheeks to compliment my lips, a less pronounced brow area, a larger chin, contouring of the nose (I need a septoplasty anyway) and reshaping of the teeth, to straighten them and make them look more feminine. I would want to have my facial and body hair (chest, belly, arms, legs, neck, hands, feet) permanently removed. I could care less if I ever have hair in those areas again. Sometimes I do like to do athletic things, but for the most part I am not concerned whether my body looks masculine or athletic at all. I would love for my arms to look thinner and my hips and butt to be more shapely. I'd love for my neck to look thinner. For years now I have known that I would love to look and be androgynous, able to switch personalities and convincingly switch my appearance of masculinity and feminity on-the-fly (likely spending more time enfemme, but always being "husband" to my wife). Are there any others here who feel the way I do? I feel very alone in the world right now, spiritually, sexually, and in many other ways. Right now we don't have the funds for me to go out and get a bonafide counselor that is experienced in the sexual studies fields. I just discovered this site tonight, and the title of the website makes me feel better.