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ElektraHere

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  1. ElektraHere
    In the book they said for redheads to take with the anthesiologist about the amount you will need some red heads have woken up during surgery. YIKES! I do feel I have a high tolerance for pain. If I have a headache it has to be excrutiating before I take anything. However my feelings that is another story I am very sensitive as well. Although I do have the infamous redhead temper.
  2. ElektraHere
    HelloKitty, Take it from me I have been in misery (my own making) because I have acted upon every emotion that has come to me. My guy wasn't a boyfriend and hopefully we will find our way back to on another as friends. (He still is open to that once I get myself all evened out) What i have heard from many friends and family "what more do you have to say that he doesn't already know?" I wanted to talk to my friend desperately but he knows it would only be an emotional rollercoaster for me. It sucks yes, it hurts yes, I went to bed last night crying not the sprinkle of tears but that deep cry where your tears are like raindrops. I am sick of crying and hurting but it is me that is doing it to myself and not him. If you want to stay trapped in the repetitive cycle of emotional ups and downs then do what your doing. If you want to move forward an get your emotions in check let him go for now.
  3. ElektraHere
    I am a red head, hazel eyes, and pale skin. My freckles only come out in the summer. I was teased all the time growing up. Not only did I have red hair but I was the tallest girl in my class, and also had full lips. Perhaps that is why I have such a rotten outlook on myself. I do remember a neighbor lady telling me when I was a young girl that women will be paying for my hair color and they are. They also are injecting their lips with anything to puff them up. I have come to embrace my red hair but growing up with it was a hard one. One of my ex's had red hair and he was handsome. He took my breath away. I read a book about the history of red hair and it takes more anethesia for a redhead then with a blond, brunette, or black hair. Also red hair is a mutated brown and blond hair gene. Women with redhair are usually categorized and a sultry sex pot (Rita Hayworth, Maureen O'Hara) or a goof ball (Sandra Bernhardt, Bette Midler, Lucille Ball)
  4. ElektraHere
    Hello, To all who have responded with advice to my posts I can't thank you enough. It has been a lousy month and I am in this funk. I was thinking could it be the stages of loss? Losing someone in my life that meant a lot to me and grieving for them not being there? He is still alive and healthy (thank goodness) but for him to be a constant in my life right now can not be. I want what is best for him and I have been selfish only wanting what I want, not considering a moment about him. Quick synopsis: I have a male friend whom I developed feelings for, told him, and he said he did not feel the same way. I can't just be his friend right now with all the feelings I have for him right now. I hope one day that I can have him in my life again and that he won't fade away like a distant memory. I have been beating myself up over and over about this you know the what ifs. What if I never had told him? What if I had not been so needy? What if I wouldn't have called him so much? So many what ifs spin around me that all I can do is just cry. This is when I feel like throwing my hands in the air and calling it quits for me. Nothing seems to work out for me and that is when I get so frustrated with myself and blame myself for all the things that don't come to be. I have many hopes and dreams but they get dashed by all the waves of pain that seems to be a constant. It's like I build a sandcastle a beautiful sandcastle and I want to show the world and no one is there and once they do show up the wave has come in and flattened it and there I am with nothing and then the world turns and walks away. Has anyone had this problem of being hard on yourself? If so what did you do to remedy the problem? All I can ever come up with is perhaps I am just not worth anything and this is my lot in life.
  5. ElektraHere
    Hello, I was at a superbowl party having a wonderful time. I had a few to drink and with inhabitions down I called my friend. (the one I have feelings for and he doesnt return the sentiment) Anyways he didnt answer his home phone or his cell phone eventually he turned his cell off which felt like a knife through the heart. I miss talking to him and just bs'ing with him and trying to slove the worlds problems with him. I am so sad and I hate myself for what I have created with the feelings I developed for him. I wish I wasnt me or I wish I could turn back time and that we would still talk as we used to. I also feel like a failure because he said "let me call you" and I ended up calling him. He said he "would perhaps call this weekend" I thought he really would but he didnt. I am just so angry at myself for screwing up another great thing that was in my life. Can anyone offer any sound advice on what I should do? I really am in dire need of some help since I feel like I am such a failure to myself.
  6. ElektraHere
    I guess its the reality of the situation that is causing me the sadness. That what I hoped would be someday will never be. Is this part of the process of letting go? He is still my friend but the process of letting these feelings go and letting reality set in is sooo painful and sad.
  7. ElektraHere
    I feel like the sadness in my heart and soul is suffocating me, and I can't breathe in the life around me. I have lost so many things a grandmother whom I was very very close to. She was the only person I truly trusted in my whole life and who I knew loved me unconditionally. There were other things in my life that I lost too job, boyfriends, and now I have lost a relationship that meant alot to me. All because I couldn't keep my heart closed off. I miss talking to him, finding out how his day went, telling him my funny stories, bantering back and forth. Now he distances himself and it hurt my heart. My heart has caused me nothing but pain and misery. I hate that I have done this to myself and hate that I can't find the light. How do you escape the dark and move into the light? I just feel like raising the white flag and surrendering. Even my quote is a big joke I have always held my hand out and it is just that holding it out with nothing to hold.
  8. ElektraHere
    Hello, I am feeling so lost today and wonder if I will ever find my true self again? Why does putting yourself out there hurt so much. I feel like when I want to give my heart to someone they reject it. Is my heart not special enough to want to hold and cherish? It's like I stand outside the window and watch everyone be happy and in love and I can't ever have that. I am in my 30's and I can tell you right now I have never heard the words "I love you" ever. Why am I so unworthy of love when I have so much to give? It makes me want to just give up on it all and think that perhaps life would be better if I was gone. Would anyone miss me anyways?
  9. ElektraHere
    Hi There, I have been dealing with this same issue. My friend said the same thing and yes that is what he meant. He (my friend) wants to be my friend and only that. It hurts like hell especially when this feels like an added bonus since everything else is awesome. Right now I have to get my feelings in check because they aren't helping the friendship at all. My suggestion to you would be pull back a bit and get your feelings in check or if you can handle hanging out with him with nothing romantic in return then you are really strong. I know this sucks but like my friends and family have said to me that someone that will share in the same feelings as you could be right around the corner and if you focus too much on someone who doesnt share that point of view then you could just miss that one that does. All my best and good luck,
  10. ElektraHere
    Hello, Thank you all. I really appreciate everyone's advice. I guess I really know what needs to happen I just had to hear it from people outside the situation. I did get a response from my email about how I thought his independence was coming off as arrogant and how it hurt my feelings he logged off w/o saying at least a hello. He asked if I was judging him, he said he was sorry for me thinking he was coming off rude, said he got the songs, and that was it. I emailed him back to tell him I wasn't judging him and that I was just letting him know how I felt. I was hoping to hear something back and have not. He is a wonderful man and yes I do believe that I need to distance myself but I hope that one day in the near future we can be friends that talk and are in contact again. You know we had talked about traveling together and who knows hopefully that can still happen down the road? I care for him deeply and yes the friendship seems a bit unbalanced at this time so I need to again step back. Shes2smart - you are right it is like a band aid and I keep peeling it off little by little and it hurts so I stop and then try again. I need to rip it off and experience the pain for the moment. Relationship Coach - I liked your analogy of a bartender and the drink. You are right it does feel like that since I have told him how I felt. I have told him that if he were to date someone else I would be heartbroken. No the pain isn't worth it and I have experienced alot in the last year (not all because of him other things have happened) I hope in time my feelings will subside and I will find happiness within myself. I also hope that in the near future I will be able to call him up and he answers and we talk and catch up like old friends. I will always hold him near and dear to my heart. He is a wonderful, funny, intelligent man. All I can hope for is that he is happy, finds what he is looking for in his life, and remembers me and our times with fondness. I know I will
  11. ElektraHere
    Hello, I just wanted to say that when we have talked he has been very supportive of me and is a good man. I just feel that sometimes his independence comes of as rudeness. He wants only the best for me and for me to be happy with me. Its just that I want something that right now or if ever I can't have.
  12. ElektraHere
    Hello Everyone, I have posted about this previously. I have feelings for my friend and he does not share that sentiment. So I decided that I couldn't be his friend and I was absolutely miserable. He said that he was sad the day after I told him we couldn't be friends anymore. I don't want to give him up. He means a lot to me. So I saw him online last week and we talked and I told him how I just couldn't give up on our friendship. I keep trying to find an angle that he will change his mind. He doesn't want a relationship he wants to be on his own and live for him right now. That is all fine and good but that makes me still hold on to that little shred of hope we can try and be together. I think I am holding on to a lost cause and I just need to get this out of my head. (So please if you are still reading bear with me) So the other night I was online and saw he was too. I thought I would say hello and see how his day was and if he liked the songs I had sent him….Nothing so I asked if he didn't feel like chatting then he logged off. So I tried calling his house to just ask about the songs…..went to voicemail. All I can think is he is distancing himself from me since I cant do it steadfastly. However, it is hurtful to me. I wrote him an email explaining how it hurt my feelings and that his independence sometimes comes off as arrogance. I also asked him if I should stop calling him altogether since he does not answer his phone for me and really doesn't call back. I wish I didn't have these feelings and everything could go back to normal. I should have never told him. I beat myself up over that decision. So I guess what I am looking for is thoughts on my predicament and when does independence just come off as blatant rudeness? How does one get rid of the hope and feelings for a friend that you don't want to give up in your life? Thanks
  13. ElektraHere
    Why is it so important to play these games? You are only giving him more power then he deserves. Tell me if your girlfriend was doing the same thing you were what would you tell her? I doubt you would tell her to act as you are. You would tell her to be strong, respect herself, and have no further contact with him. I don't know why you need to have talks with him. If he wanted to be back with you he wouldnt schedule time to talk with you. He would just say it and do it. I think he is stringing you along. You are 18 and I can tell you this when you look back at this when your 25-26 you will think "what was I thinking?" We are always growing but if you stay in this mode you will stunt that growth and be held back by your own fears.
  14. ElektraHere
    Boricua, Dont look at his facebook anymore. You are torturing yourself with the what ifs. This will not help you move on and start focusing on you. You need to take the time you are worrying about his activities and worry about youur own. I am trying to do that now too. I focus on everyone except me. If you feel like crying then cry, if you feel like screaming scream, just quit looking at the profile you are only hurting yourself. Obviously he isnt suffering or feeling the way you are. He has moved on as should you. Good Luck,
  15. ElektraHere
    Hello, My friend sent me this great little story and I thought I would share it with all you. It really makes you think about how we treat ourselves. The Carpenter An elderly carpenter was ready to retire. He told his employer-contractor of his plans to leave the house building business and live a more leisurely life with his wife enjoying his extended family. He would miss the paycheck, but he needed to retire. They could get by. The contractor was sorry to see his good worker go and ask if he could build just one more house as a personal favor. The carpenter said yes, but in time it was easy to see that his heart was not in his work. He resorted to shoddy workmanship and used inferior materials. It was an unfortunate way to end his career. When the carpenter finished his work and the builder came to inspect the house, the contractor handed the front-door key to the carpenter. "This is your house," he said, "my gift to you." What a shock! What a shame! If he had only known he was building his own house, he would have done it all so differently. Now he had to live in the home he had built none too well. So it is with us. We build our lives in a distracted way, reacting rather than acting, willing to put up less than the best. At important points we do not give the job our best effort. Then with a shock we look at the situation we have created and find that we are now living in the house we have built. If we had realized that we would have done it differently. Think of yourself as the carpenter. Think about your house. Each day you hammer a nail, place a board, or erect a wall. Build wisely. It is the only life you will ever build. Even if you live it for only one day more, that day deserves to be lived graciously and with dignity. The plaque on the wall says, "Life Is A Do-It-Yourself Project." Who could say it more clearly? Your life today is the result of your attitudes and choices in the past. Your life tomorrow will be the result of your attitudes and the choices you make today
  16. ElektraHere
    Hello, I too suffer from depression/anxiety. I have just started therapy otherwise I have just taken the meds alone. Obviously I need the therapy to talk all the crap in my head out. It sucks taking meds but if you need em you need em. My mom always says if she didnt take her blood pressure meds she could get really sick well same goes with taking anti depressants without them we get really sick. I know the feeling once you start feeling "ok" then your like hey I don't need these stupid little pills, however 2-3 weeks later your back to square one again. I have done that a few times and each time I kick myself for quitting them. When I was at my worst years ago I didn't want to go to work, I wanted to sleep all day, and I didn't want to leave my house. I never want to get to that point again so if I have to take pills for the rest of my life so be it. It isn't that we are "crazy" its just that chemically our bodies don't produce enough of the stuff we need to level out. So yes go to the dr and get diagnosed again and seek out a therapist or counselor. If you can't afford one check with your school I am sure they have resources you can check out for help. Good Luck to you and it will get better as I am told "One day at a time."
  17. ElektraHere
    Hello All, I have been posting lately so you may have read some of them. The last one was I thought my friend had "broken up" with me. I did hear from him and he said we were fine but if I wanted more than a friendship perhaps I need to think twice about staying in the relationship. I have tried for a good few days to get a hold of him asking if he would please answer my calls or at least call me back. I never succeeded on either front. I had something to tell him and that was goodbye. I think that is the hardest word in the human language. Goodbye it hurts, it's lonely, it's sad, it's just not my favorite word. I am one who never lets go. I hang on until the very very end. Even if everyone has left the building so to speak I am still there waiting hoping they come back. This was the first time I made the hard choice of leaving. I am heartbroken, I am sad, I am pissed that I even told him my feelings. Everything was so good before I opened my stupid mouth. We had plans to travel in the Fall, he was considering another trip out to where I live, I wanted to go visit him in his hometown. All of this is gone and I feel so sad. I have cried for the past month because I miss him, I wanted him to want me, and I just wanted to be with him. I wish he would have given me the choice to be able to speak to him personally. I would have told him so many things I appreciated about him and our friendship. All of the experiences we had, the jokes, the songs (I will never listen to John Mayer the same way I may have to retire him for awhile), his trip out here, just his being here in my life. Now he's gone and I hate it. He is the type of person who will probably never look back. That is what also makes it so tough. I want to know he is still close by in case I ever need a friend to turn to in the future. He became very important to me and to just let it fade away hurts. Why doesn't anything work for me? I am tired of losing everytime. I just want to win just once. I wanted to hear his voice and I wanted to hear him say goodbye to me, wanted to just talk one last time. Wish him well and I am sorry I am just rambling now. ARG I will miss you like no one knows. My heart is pained by this and I want you to know I love you and so appreciate that I met you and we had our time together.
  18. ElektraHere
    I would visit him in person but he lives 3000 miles away. We live on opposite coasts. So the only way to talk to him is via IM or on the phone.
  19. ElektraHere
    Hi There, I have posted before about my friend and how my feelings for him were more then he had for me. I may have expressed to much and he is uncomfortable with what I had said. Basically that I liked him alot, wanted to wait for him, and if needed I would consider moving closer to him. I also mentioned how I didn't want girls pursuing him. I know that it was a selfish comment but I was just telling him how I felt not ordering him around or anything. I thought we had an upfront and honest friendship. Anyways for the past four days I haven't talked with him (we talk almost daily) but I was trying to give him space and alone time. I have seen him online but let him be so that he would know I am respectful of his time and to him. I thought for sure he would of called tonight. He did not. I wrote him an email telling him I know he needs time to himself but that I just wanted to have some peace of mind that things between us were ok. I did not get any response. I was working on a surprise for him and told him last week that I was. Well it came through today. I was bidding on an item for him on ebay and I won the auction. It was a 1st edition book signed by his favorite author. I was so excited that I called and left messages on his cell and home phone about the book. I thought for sure he would call about that. Nope again he didn't call. All I want to know is if we are still on the up and up. It is breaking my heart not knowing where our friendship stands. I can only take from the silence that he has no interest in a friendship with me anymore. I always have jumped to the wrong conclusion but this is 4 days worth of silence. He came out last month to visit and we had a wonderful time even after he left we still had it going great. It just was the other night that everything stopped dead cold. I miss him and his friendship. I want him to know that it is breaking my heart not knowing about our friendship, and that I beat myself up over and over for saying anything about my feelings to him. I have lost so much in the last year he was somewhat of a brightlight in all of the darkness. Now he may have left to and I sit in the dark yet again. Help!! What do I do?
  20. ElektraHere
    Hi There, I think your quote says it all my friend "Eventually in Time Everything is OK Again." It's easier said then done but be strong and know that you need to live your life the way in which you will be the most happiest. It seems like she needs time to herself too. I would suggest you go away like you had planned it will help you gain some perspective on the whole thing. Yes we have all experienced the ups and downs of getting over a relationship. The downs seem to be pretty prevalent at first but then like your quote says everything settles down again and is ok. Good Luck to you!
  21. ElektraHere
    Naomi You need to leave this situation FAST! It is not good and the love you have for him he obviously does not return to you. The shelters DN speaks of will take you in they would rather you be safe and away from the abuse then turn you away because you have a daughter. Please if not for your sake for your daughters she is seeing this and when she gets older she may be in that same situation. Thinking that it is just a normal part of a relationship. Good Luck to you!
  22. ElektraHere
    Hello, Isn't it selfish of you to want to monopolize all his time? Especially if its his friends coming home on leave from Iraq. God forbid but they may not come back the next time. Its great to spend time with someone you care about but alone time is important too. I have a friend who I talk with daily well he has moments where he wants his alone time now being one of those times. Do I want to talk to him? Of course but I have to show him the same respect he would show me. Do I take it personally? I have but I am learning it's not about me it's about giving him space and time to himself. Plus it will give us lots to talk about when we do talk again. I have a life outside of our friendship and you should have one outside of your relationship. Its hard when its just a few days a week but you have to learn to accept it or you will end up pushing him away and making yourself truly miserable. Do you have any girlfriends you can hang out with? Perhaps do something for yourself like rent your favorite movie, get some ice cream and induldge in YOU! Good Luck!
  23. ElektraHere
    First off it was wrong to log on to his account. You also are making alot of assumptions about why he installed it or not. Perhaps he hasnt gotten around to updating his contacts? If he really wanted to see if you were around wouldn't he just call you? Plus if he wanted you to say something to him he would probably contact you. I would first off not log on to his account anymore. If he ever was to find out that would be a surefire way of having him cut you out all together. It is an invasion of his privacy. Would you like it if he logged on to your account? I doubt it. Second quit the "I wonder" game it will drive you nuts. I have done that game the "what if" game the "if only" game, etc. It just leads to unhappy anxious feelings. For your sake and sanity move forward, get involved with other things besides being online, don't log on to his account anymore, and take him off your contacts list. Good Luck to you!
  24. ElektraHere
    I am attending night classes at a community college and it is mostly people who work full time and on hte older side. You can check out night classes. Even if you go in the day who cares that there are highschool kids just go and focus on your own thing. You never know sometimes a younger person has some great points of views. (not all but there are some)
  25. ElektraHere
    Ncisive, It is hard believe me I know. The one thing is you can't keep thinking of all the things she may or may not be doing. It will eat away at you and will keep you in a state of sadness. If you sit around and just stew in the depression it doesn't dissapate it only gets worse. I know this because I do the same thing. I would rather sit in bed and sleep all day so I don't have to deal with any of my issues or problems. However they will be there tomorrow and the next if I do that. I am just now figuring out that another person can't make you happy they can be there and enhance your life but we make our ownselves happy, sad, mad, etc. These are hard lessons but that is the whole cycle of life. Is there a community college you can attend? How about applying for financial aid? It sucks taking out a loan but in the long run it will be well worth it. Good luck and move ahead and don't stay stuck in this place you are giving your ex way too much power. As a friend of mine tells me get to know who you are again, get to liking yourself, and live your life the way you want it to go. Again good luck,
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