crashingjetplane

I started in July.

Ive been with my boyfriend for 8.5 months. Im 19 and hes 26. I was absolutely NOT dramatic whatsoever in high school. But Ive been doing this weird thing, and I cant seem to figure out why. I will sometimes exaggerate events to get reactions out of him. Like, I will be at the mall or whatever, and someone will hit on me. When I talk to my boyfriend, I will tell him what happened, but I exaggerate what was said. Ive been getting a little worse now though. On the truth side, there is a guy who works at a subway right by my work. Every now and then he will come in, hes really annoying and I dont like him at all. He doesnt really say much to me, but he put in an application at my work and I dont want him working there because hes just flat out... annoying beyond belief. So anyway, I told my boyfriend about this, and he knows from the past that he has bothered me. But once again, I have started taking things way out of proportion. I told my boyfriend that the subway kid was going to meet me outside of my work at 10pm when I got off... but he really never said that. I just told my boyfriend that to get a reaction and so I could see him. This is absolutely horrible of me, and I dont get why I do it. Of course, my boyfriend comes down and we wait and I just say "he must have chickened out". My boyfriend wasnt mad or anything. Can someone please give me an idea as to why I keep acting retarded and dramatic? I hate drama, but I keep pulling this crap. I cant figure it out.

I will be put back on my dads insurance in the next month or so, then I can go find a doctor. (Once I graduated high school, I decided to take a year off between HS and college and my dads insurance wouldnt support me) However, I do have a bottle of prozac here that I could be taking in the meantime. It just makes me feel really weak having to rely on a pill in order to feel "normal". I also hate having to admit I will possibly have to take these the rest of my life, but it doesnt make much sense to not do anything about it and torture myself. It would be completely different if I had a reason to be upset also, but I dont at all.

I called off yesterday, and I am feeling so bad that I just want to call off again... even though I will get written up without a doctors excuse. I was diagnosed by a psychiatrist who prescribed medicine for me. Yes, once I felt better I stopped taking the meds. (Well, after I ran out of them anyway). It seems as though I can go awhile without taking meds, then suddenly my brain chemistry goes all out of wack for no reason and I need to be on them again. And it is definitely genetic, my grandma and mother also have had this problem throughout their lives. Sigh

To get straight to the point, I have been diagnosed with clinical depression twice in my life. Once when I first entered high school, then in the middle of my senior year. (Im now 19 and have been graduated since June 05). I ended up getting depression because I had a really bad break up with my ex, and from Nov 2004 to Feb 2005 I can barely remember a thing, until I finally stopped being stubborn and got put on prozac. I was acting normal again several months later. Now, for honestly no reason that I can detect, I feel as if I am getting symptoms of depression AGAIN. I dont think Im imagining things, but I dont know if I should ignore it... or just let it go? I hope this isnt the third time of getting it. I have no desire to do much of anything, I dont want to go to work or really see anybody. I have no reason to be depressed either. I have a great boyfriend that Ive been with for about 9 months, I have a full scholarship for college this fall where I plan upon becoming a writer... but something is making me feel just terrible. I never want to wake up, I sleep for like 12 hours when I get the chance. I overeat (although I am not overweight), and Im really emotional and irritable. I call off work making ridiuclous excuses because I am too sad to go, and the terrible thing is that I dont really care if I get fired. And I CANT say that because I have a carpayment and stuff. Why am I acting like this?? I havent talked to anybody about this, and I havent let anyone really see how Ive been feeling because I dont want to seem melodramatic... but I cant help it