cynical76

I'm already in therapy. It is helping I think, if i could just get some kind of peace of mind about this. I don't care anymore what happens, I just want to stop feeling like this. I want to get my backbone back and tell him where to go. Because that's the only way. That and just ignoring him. Thanks everyone again for reading and commenting. One day I will get off this nightmare rollercoaster.

Oh, Annie. I've been doing all that, trying to move on and heal myself and concentrate on myself before he came back this time. But I just feel like I can't do it anymore. I don't have the energy. I don't care about myself anymore. It's just all too painful. I don't want to have to pick myself up and start all over again, it's too hard. I feel like I'm done. Finished. I feel like my life's over at 29. I know it sounds dramatic, and I'm not usually dramatic, but this feels like the final straw. He's been back and forth for months now, and this time, for some reason, I thought he meant it. I thought I was finally good enough for him. Should have realised it was all a bunch of bull. Question is, what do I do now?

Thank God someone's out there. I feel so alone. No, I doubt very much he is sitting feeling bad about it. I'm just crippled by the thought that this has happened again. I'm having crazy thoughts of what to do. I feel like I'm trapped in a cycle of terrible feelings and terrible things happening to me. My dad died four years ago and I'm nowhere near over it, I miss him all the time. My ex helped me through at the beginning and he was a connection to my dad which I can never get with anyone else. I think that's one of the reasons why I can't let go. But what makes me angry is that I had started to let go when he turned up again. he said all the stuff I'd literally been dreaming about, that he loved me and wanted to start again and wanted to get a house together etc,. And then he's ripped it all away. Again. If you're still there, please reply. I haven't felt this weak in a long time. I just feel I've come to the end of my rope, it's been a hellish few months and it just keeps on and on. I thought I wouldn't have to feel this way anymore, and it's back. I'm alone again. He says he still wants to work it out but I just don't believe him. It's his birthday tomorrow and my dad's on friday. I used to love this time of year and now it's torture.

So he came back last week and said he wanted a new start, that he loved me and missed me and wanted to settle down. And now, tonight he has gone again. Left me in tears again. I feel terrible. He said it felt too weird and it was doing his head in and just left. Just like that. And it's his birthday tomorrow. And I just tried to call him and he was horrible, harsh and cold like it's all my fault. Like I forced him to come back at knife point. It was so not like that. He came back to me again. He said he wanted to make a go of it. And now he's gone again. I don't understand what happened, I don't understand how he can be so cruel to me, after everything that's happened. He promised that he would never treat me like this again. He promised. And he just left again. I hate how he just leaves, just f*cks me up and walks out because he doesn't want to deal with the fallout. I feel awful, so low. I don't know how I'm going to do this. i don't know how I'm going to get up tomorrow and go to work. I don't know what to do. I even texted him after that horrible phone call. I just want to make it right, I just want him to love me again and to get back what we had. Why, why, why would he come back and tell me everything I want to hear and then do this again. Even more callously than the last time. Why, can ANYONE shed any light on this please? Please can someone reply, i feel horribly horribly alone

Hi Rascal Update: We're talking still. I guess we're going to give it another go. I have no idea if it can work. A lot has happened in the last few months and I just don't know. But I think we're going to try. The trouble is I don't know if I can trust him, and I don't want to go back into it feeling that way because it will be one, big, miserable drama. And I don't want that. But I love him, and these things are never simple. Overall I think I would regret it if I didn't try again. I don't want to look back and wish I had. But I have a feeling most people will think I"m being an idiot. But I guess if everyone acted logically then there would be fewer relationships around of any sort. We're taking it slow, and we're not moving back in together. In fact, we're having a few days not seeing each other because we're both so busy. You know how it is when you're single, you have all these things to do suddenly. So I'm going to carry on doing them, living my life my way, and hope this works out as well. But at least I know I can live without him if I have to. And if there's a sign of things going wrong, I'm out. No more second chances after this. Wish me luck! How's things with you?

OK, i have an update. Bizarre update but update nontheless. Although I had suspicions he was with this girl that he cheated on me with I guess i didn't have 100% proof. But I knew it in my heart and I made myself think it to protect myself. Anyway, I met my ex last week when he turned up outside my work. He confirmed that he had slept with this girl a few times and I read that (I think correctly) as they are in a proper relationship, he has definitely moved on and he either wanted me to know to alleviate some of his guilt, or he felt sorry for me and wanted to tell me himself, even though I kind of knew. So I thought screw this, I'll HAVE to get over him, I need to get over him. So I arranged a date with this guy for yesterday. I felt sad but determined to move on, not with a new boyfriend, but just to go and meet other people. So the day of the date came. And my ex called round out of the blue a few hours before to pick up some mail (he said). So we were chatting because I'm not a maliciious person and it's not in me to tell him to just do one. And he sat down and said to me: How would you feel if I asked if you wanted to give it another go? What the hell? I mean, we've been here, done this. he came back before and then went again. So I said, there's no way I'm putting myself in that position again. He said he'd been thinking about settling down and he wanted to do that with someone he loves (ie. me). I kind of brushed it off and said maybe we should just hang out a bit more on no kind of relationship basis. So i bumped into him today (I never do that normally) and he said could he come round tonight. So he came and we just chatted and had dinner. He left pretty early. Question: Is he just missing the familiar? Has he realised he can't live without me? Does he just not like me dating other people? Or none of the above? Any men out there who could translate what I see as total nuttiness, comments gratefully received. And women too of course. Honestly, I don't understand any of this. Anyway, if you made it this far, thanks loads for reading. And thanks to everyone who has posted so far. This site really does help.

Thanks everyone for your messages. happythoughts - very strange but I haven't been on here for a few days and thought I'd just have a look and your post jumped out and spoke right to me! I've just seen him this lunchtime, he called by to say hi and then proceeded to tell me lots more about him and her. so what you said was very timely and helps. Thanks I have a feeling he was feeling guilty and wanted me to say it's fine that he's with her so soon after finishing with me. Of course when we split he said it wasn't about anyone else, he didn't want a girlfriend, he wanted to live abroad etc. Yeah, right. He's come back and is living the exact same life but has just swapped partners. What's the point in that? He's chucked away everything we had and for what? Yet I still can't feel much anger towards him. Now her. That's a different story. I could kick her @ss to kingdom come and probably will if I ever see her. It just hurts soooooooo much. When my dad died I thought I'll never feel this bad again but bizarrely I do, I feel like not only am I lonely for my dad (he died four years ago) but I'm lonely for my ex. My whole life seems to consist of yearning for people who are never coming back for one reason or another. Just venting really, any more input - or just sympathy - would be good. Thanks for reading.

I'm 29. He's almost 33. I always thought I'd be more in control by this age, that I would have figured stuff out and that nothing could surprise me. Ha. I caved yesterday, totally bizarrely. I was doing fine (well, alright) and I just picked up the phone and called him out of nowhere, it was like an automatic reflex type thing. He sounded happy to hear from me, but only in a friends type way. The distance between us is immense now. It's so hard to understand that things have changed so much. he's doing fine of course, couldn't be happier etc etc. so we hung up and I cried at my desk like a five year old. It just feels so saaaaad. I wish I could be angry. Anything is better than feeling this sad. And at least if you're angry it motivates you to do stuff. At the moment I'm motivated for nothing except going home and drinking a bottle of wine. Kind of wish I hadn't now, my head's still hurting! Anyway, thanks all for your comments. From what I've read on here, I'm likely to be berated for breaking the no contact thing, but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. Having said that, will try again from now on not to contact him and not to think about him as having anything to do with me. It is difficult though because I walked past a restaurant we used to go to last night and he was in there, couldn't see who with but I'm willing to bet my month's wages it was her. Can you people actually HEAR my heart breaking? rascal, how old are you? Actually what sex are you also. I like to know who's giving me good advice!

thanks for the replies I constantly wonder whether he still thinks about me too. I mean it's not possible to be with someone for so long, live with them for six and a half years and then just get over it. Or is it? I'm pretty good with not ringing him, something I NEVER thought I'd be able to do. I'm used to talking to him loads every day, seeing him every night and morning, you know how it is. But I'm managing not to call him. But I do look at my phone quite a lot, wondering whether he'll call, wondering whether it means anything when he does call, whether he's just feeling guilty and sorry for me, or whether it means he still loves me somewhere, some how. I'm also finding music very difficult. Haven;t been able to listen to coldplay since, and I have to leave the room if James Blunt comes on. So much HURTS. How long does it take to get past this? To be able to breathe again?

Thanks annie. I am trying but some days I don't think I'm dealing with it at all well. I'm one of those people who finds it hard to let go and I just keep thinking and thinking. When we had problems during the relationship (we nearly split another couple of times at his instigation) I used to blame it on myself. I used to think if I could say the right thing, look the right way, be who he wanted me to be then we would make it. Then this last time it's like I got tired of doing that. I just thought if he doesn't love me enough so be it. It's not anything I've done wrong, right? Plus this was the first time he cheated. I never thought he would do anything like that, nor did anyone else. Everyone was soooo shocked. Just shows, you never really know people. I have actually chucked away some of his stuff because he wasn't sorting it out and he came to get some. But there's a few boxes left. And it hurts to see it. Yet at the same time, it's the last link I have with him. Once he's been to get that there's REALLY no reason to ever see him again. I just wish there was a way to turn the hurt off. And I'm spending way too much time brooding I know I am. Just sometimes, I need someone to tell me that it won't always be this way, that I will get through this. I tell myself every day, but it doesn't stop the bad, black moments. Anyway, thanks for replying Annie. Sorry to have gone on, once you start it's difficult to stop hey?

I've been looking at this forum for the past few months and could do with some objective support. I was with my ex for seven years. In April I found out he had been seeing someone else for two weeks or so. My world collapsed. I cried, he cried. He said he didn't want to throw what we had away. We talked and talked. Eventually he said he wanted to split and he went away to India for three months. I tried to get my head around it while he was away. Then he came back early and said he'd changed his mind and wanted to come home and try again. We had a massive chat where I told him that he would have to change, he would have to be 100% committed to a future with me and prove he loves me etc. If he wasn't prepared to do that then I was determined to end it once and for all. Three days (yes, three whole days he 'tried') he started to pull away and I ended it. He moved to his brothers but is still working in my town. This was about two months ago and I'm struggling. I miss him so much it hurts every day. I dream about him. I'm pretty sure he's seeing someone else (the girl he cheated on me with). Knowing he's so near yet so far hurts so much. and I'm living in what was our home of four years. I can't move until the fixed lease is up in February. I have his stuff here still (he's taken some of it). He's called a few times to 'see how I am', I've said I want to be friends. But I'm so hurt sometimes i can barely breathe. I've been with him for a quarter of my life. We were together through so much - my dad died, i had an abortion, then all the usual day to day stuff. It wasn't perfect, I was always more into him than he was into me (barring the first year which was pretty damn perfect). I don't know what I'm asking for. I know it's over. I know it has to be over. It wasn't healthy for me, I was making myself ill, I hung on for so long and then I had to stop. He just didn't love me enough. He's not a bad person, I don't hate him. I still love him. I don't idealise him. I've been dating, going out with friends, going to work, doing small things to try and make myself better. But I keep coming to dead ends. Days when things look so black I can't imagine why I'm bothering to put one foot in front of the other. Would love to hear from someone with a new perspective/advice/experience. Hope you guys will welcome me here.