anonymous_presence

Hey, I'm sorry that everything seems to be screwed up at the moment. It's hard to deal with emotions and feelings that are so extreme and the concentrated forms of anger and sadness that you experience, not only as a teen but also as a self injurer (I don't know if it applies, but generally SI is accompanied by mood extremities). One thing that you need to realize is that you're isolating yourself by saying things along the lines of "you guys have no clue what it's like for me." There's a fair chance that someone here can relate to what you're feeling, and by saying stuff like that, you're just making yourself feel more desperate and alone. It doesn't seem like a big thing, but it's significant: you view things as if everything is either possible or impossible, all or nothing, yes or no, black or white. It's just the way people who SI see things, and besides therapy, all I can recommend are breathing techniques, writing in a journal, constructive release of emotional build up (e.g. art, physical activity, etc.), and so on, but these only work in the short run. The last thing I would call you is selfish. No one thinks that of you. You're dealing with strong feelings, but don't let the immensity of them overcome you. Always think about the sources of these emotions, and question whether or not they are justified. Reread what you've written when you're feeling calmer, and really try to point out this all-or-nothing perspective, and thing about alternative ways you can deal with your emotions. I really hope that you talk to someone about this who can help you, like a counsellor. By the way, that's great that you haven't cut for 10 days!! Keep it up, but also keep the punching the a minimum. Punch a pillow (as ridiculous as it may seem it can help) or crush ice, and slowly deescalate the SI.

It's good advice to give people that there's really no shame in being gay, but don't you think that the bisexual transition phase is necessary? You said yourself that you did the same thing, and it's only natural to take the time to detach yourself from your past, from the traditions you were raised with, from your family's and society's expectations of you, from previous habits and so forth, and to finally emerge as an openly gay person. You're not going to wake up one day and say, "Hey, I must be gay." The bisexual "title" helps like Dannysgirl said to soften the blow. There shouldn't be any pressure on people to pick their sexuality and stick with it. Yeah, the majority of these self-dubbed bisexuals are fairly young, and that's with good reason: it takes time to experience and learn about one's sexuality. And again, there's nothing wrong with that. Don't you think that a bisexual transition period is important so that the person can come to terms with his/her homosexuality? With all the stigma behind it, the way the media portrays it, there's shame unfortunately in coming out, and not only publicly but also with yourself. I agree that people who claim they are bi's might not actually be truly bisexual, but I don't think that's anything to hold against them. It's their sexuality they're dealing with, and it's entirely up to them to decide what they do.

Wow! I love the way you manage to say everything so eloquently while keeping the rhythm and the rhyme! You are really talented! It's a good message to just move on when someone's toying with you, and find someone who truly respects you.

I agree with metallicachica24/7: when it comes to self injury, it's not necessarily the method, it's the mentality that counts. It could be a papercut or a deep knife wound, even compulsively slapping your head, and be SI. Seems like what you did was a way to take out emotion. I'm not sure I agree with what you said about turning emotional pains into physical ones: however effective it may be, it's not necessarily the best way to deal with emotions. Instead of wondering about what you did and dealing with doubts and regret, it's best to talk about these things with her, as you should do with any problems that arise. Hope everything worked out in the end!

Thanks for your advice! I guess I should have contextualized a bit more my hypothetical statement - I don't frequently gossip about people, in fact, I try to avoid it as I dislike being the victim of it. I'm not saying this out of any intent to exculpate myself, but what I did was largely out of character and I felt bad instantly the second it came out. There was no domino effect of gossip; the person I was talking about was there at the moment I said what I said (if that makes any difference). There are just some things that happen and you can't explain why, and you can try to claw at reasoning, tweak a few strings in the logic behind your actions, but no matter what, in the end all fingers wind up pointing in the direction of wrongfulness. I guess that's something that I don't deal with well, and I just try to say instead that I was depressed that day or withholding anger that came out at the wrong moment on the wrong person and stuff like that, but in the end I guess I just have to accept the fact that I've wronged (no point in justifying it), and I should assume responsibility for what I've done and apologize.

I know this seems kind of frivolous, but I was just wondering how to cope with those minor pangs of guilt you feel when you talk bad about someone and what you say gets round to that certain someone. I mean, it's not like you can excuse it by saying, "Oh, I didn't mean it," because if you didn't, then you wouldn't have said it in the first place, right? To denigrate someone is something that you only repent when you find out it has gone eschew and hurt someone's feelings, but otherwise, you walk away with a clean conscience. Does anyone else find that sort of perturbing, to think that our consciences are sometimes triggered only by consequence? Well that's why I'm finding it difficult to reconcile what I've said about someone, and I could just dismiss it as something out of character, or something I did on a whim, but I know that that's not right, because I meant it, so there's no taking it back. What does that leave me with? Do I just take this as a learning experience and vow to never repeat it?

You had noble intentions to help him stop smoking, because you care for him and want what's best for him. His reaction was uncalled for and completely inappropriate - that's not someone that you should be trying over! However, you have to realize that smoking is a sensitive and private issue, and when someone quits smoking, it's a choice that comes from within. If he's just a social smoker, then yes, he was a bit of a jerk (to say the least), but if there's an addiction, then the choice isn't so black and white. The point I'm trying to make is that you shouldn't feel bad because you did nothing wrong, and his behavior isn't a result of something you did or said, instead a consequence of his own inner problems that he can only resolve independently. I think it's admirable that you kept to your standards and decided to take a stand against his smoking. There are so many other guys out there who will treat you much better than that, and fully appreciate how great you are!

If the notion of love isn't as important to you as before and if you're perfectly content being single, then I don't see any reason why you should seek a change to this lifestyle you've set up for yourself. It might be nice to one day experience love, but you don't have to consciously seek it - just let it come along naturally: when the time's ripe, it'll happen. Don't start thinking that because you don't have that special someone that you're somehow lacking or that there's an emptiness in your life that simple must be filled. It's unfortunately common to view bachelorhood in a negative light, but as darkblue said, what you make of the single life is what ultimately matters. If you're happy with the way things are going, which you seem to be, then just keep up with it and let things happen on their own accord.

One reason I do it is to degrade myself. It's a worthy form of punishment that calms my regret and remorse, and appeases my conscience. Sometimes it makes me feel sick just watching the blood droplets form, and then the smell that blood produces when I dab it with a the wet end of a tissue... That vivid, gruesome smell is just so reassuring in its own way. It's disgusting, and that disgust matches the way I view myself, I guess. There are more reasons as to why I do it, but most of them have already been covered in the previous posts.

Lol, oops Sorry, so so sorry. Well, yes, it would admittedly be hard on the person receiving the letter, but there's some stuff in there that you can confide to her. For example, telling her about how she's an amazing person and how she doesn't appreciate herself enough would be well received. And perhaps she is wasting her time and energy on someone else because of her sensitive nature (though I'm not one to judge this). These are things that you can tell her, and she should probably know. And you can tell her than you love her, just not in a romantic sort of way (the romance part is what would be too shocking to deal with). It's not wrong to admit that you love a friend, in fact, it would probably make the two of you closer. I understand why you'd want to tell her all this, but I just think it's too much in one go, you know? Ration it into digestible bites. I don't know what type of person you are, if you're the type to confront people and just spill your beans, or if you more withdrawn and write things in letters, but perhaps a letter isn't the right way to go. The pro to writing a letter is that you give the person space and time to reflect what you've written; however, it also gives them the awkward task of approaching you to talk about it. If you talk about it in person, face to face, then it's more direct, less intimidating, and more sincere. However, discussing it could also be intimidating because the person is expected to react on the spot without any time to process the information. I personally think that talking about it is the preferrable choice, because when you give someone a letter, their minds tend to stray into the panic zone and they begin misinterpretting things and all. I don't know what your intentions are - is this just about letting her know your feelings? And how would she react to this information? You said that she's sensitive, so does that mean that she might overreact to this? I honestly don't think that she would cut you out of her life - people don't just throw friendships away, especially not after finding out that a friend needs you more than ever - but just think about how she would react. It's not really a question about changes in respect or like - all that stuff will remain the same. The main concern for the recipient would be, well, what is expected of me now? What am I supposed to do about this? Those are things that you need to talk about, and tell her that there's no pressure involved, that you just want her to understand. Emphasize it. Make it clearly understood and unmissable. There's no reason for anything to happen to the friendship as long as you are honest and don't put pressure on her to change or anything. I'm really sorry about misinterpretting your post. Hope everything works out, and keep us posted!

Wow... that's quite a letter, to say the least! It truly puts a lot of pressure on you, and puts you in a difficult position. You are entitled to all the time that you need to make any decision with regard to your future relationship with this person. It's difficult to be friends with someone when you know that they are thinking about doing more than just talking, but this person's feelings seem sincere. Clearly you're not expected to suddenly accept this person's desires, but you should deal with this honestly and as sensitively as possible. Tell her that you can't offer her what she wants, and that all you can be is a friend, nothing more. Just do whatever you feel comfortable with, and if it seems to awkward at first, then claim some time and space for yourself to think some more about it. You really should take your time to seriously consider the ramifications of any decision you make. Consider both the impact it would have on you and the impact it would have on her. You should confront her when you're ready and have an honest discussion about where you stand.

I'd say that phone sex is out of the question when you are in a relationship. Though there is no real... contact, or anything of that nature involved, there is the mentality of being with someone else that makes it all wrong. It's perhaps not as serious an offense as other forms of cheating, but it's cheating all the same. The same principle applies to cyber sex.

When you self injure, do you know consciously during the moment why you are doing so? Sometimes I'm just... not thinking, I don't know. And it just happens without any clear reasoning behind it. What does that mean? Do you have to be feeling something and wanting to suppress it, or feeling nothing and wanting to feel something amid the emptiness, or do you have to have some sort of explanation for why you self injure? It just makes me wonder sometimes...

It's touching that you care so much for your sister and that you worry about her. Those are things that will help her get her through this - let her know that you support her no matter what, and that all you want for her is exactly what you said: to stop self injuring, to stop thinking about suicide, and to be happy. But you have to realize, that these things are 1) not your fault; 2) not within your capacity to remedy; 3) not your job to assume responsibility for. Of course, you can be there to support her, tell her that you care for her and want her to get better, but it's not up to you to do this on your own! If you see there is immediate danger in her situation, then talk to a parent or someone who can handle it. But for now, I'm assuming there's no immediate cause for concern, and that your parents are trying to help her out. For now, you need to focus on yourself, and do exactly what you requested in the subject of the post: learn to understand what's going on with your sister, read about it in books or the internet, and that will help you help her. You deserve someone to talk to for your own benefit - your situation is a difficult one, and you are under a lot of stress because of it; you need to talk out your fears and concerns with other people. Just focus on being there for your sister, giving her someone to talk to and support her, but also focus on your own well being. Understanding is an important first step so that you don't chronically worry about whether your sister will wind up doing something that she regrets.

It's a good thing that you recognize your affair as a mistake and are assuming responsibility for it. It's natural to feel that this other guy's lack of willingness to participate in the life of your child is a form a rejection, and this is obviously difficult to deal with. But consider the ramifications of having him involved, how it would affect your husband, your child, etc. It would just complicate things. However, there's no need to justify these feelings or exculpate his absense - move on with your life and accept your decisions, and bear the responsibility for the consequences of them. For the moment you should focus on your child and give him the life that the rest of your children received, and don't let the fact that his/her biological father is out of the picture harm his/her upbringing.

Ok, now that you've refined your opinions and/or clarified yourself, I do agree with you in some respects. The original statement I disagreed with was There is a much larger psychological distinction between suicide and self injury that you don't seem to be grasping. It is important to not underestimate the importance of this distinction. One is a coping mechanism; the other is a direct attempt to terminate one's life. Coping mechanism means a way to deal with problems, a.k.a a means of survival. There's much more to it than whether or not the person dies in the end, as you so eloquently put it. In response to your recent post, of course cutting is a concern, no matter the severity of the individual case. Regardless of the situation, outside help is needed, as in counselling and the like. It is a problem that needs to be dealt with, and the fact that her friend confided in her probably means that she is seeking help in an indirect and perhaps subconscious way. This is a good sign, but she still needs professional help dealing with her problems to stop her self injury.

Well, assuming that her friend told her that she was cutting herself, as opposed to telling her that she's suicidal, and assuming that if this were really an issue of suicide it would not be posted under self injury and in the suicide post, I'd have to say, in my very best opinion, that suicide isn't the concern here. Considering the fact that both the people, both her friend and the poster's assessment, have not mentioned nor identified the problem as suicide...

Do the motives behind cutting really need to be as serious as survival? I understand that people who cut themselves because it's a fad or because they want to engrave things on their skin are kind of... well, I'll spare any harsh words. But really, they aren't considered cutters, per se. Doesn't cutting, by definition, involve some sort of intent to harm one's self (not just following some trend)? I just think that people who do it aren't all in hopeless situations... That not everyone who cuts has to have been abused at some point in their life. It has to do with having the mentality that would allow someone to hurt themselves, so I think people shouldn't say that cutters need valid reasons to do what they do, because more often than not, cutters themselves don't truly know why, and by saying that they're just stealing attention from others makes them feel ashamed (more than they are).

jevonj, you're right; some people cut with the intention of committing suicide. They are considered suicidal, not self injurers. For that reason, suicide is not really pertinent to the issue at hand.

You're right: that's a good thing! Acceptance, as they say, is the first step to conquering your problems, so I'd say you're on the right path! Therapy might be what you need, and it's excellent that you're open to the idea of it. Just don't start thinking that there's something wrong with you, like you're flawed in any way, and don't start indulging in the masochistic art of self deprecation. Realizing that there's a problem that you need outside help to cope with is enough; keep up that optimistic attitude! I really don't know your situation, but perhaps you should think this "starting a new life" thing out. I don't know what the entails, exactly, but don't underestimate the value of your education. Yeah, the system of life is screwed up at times, but sometimes you have to play by the rules to get what you want, and that means continuing your education and prospering that way (or is that what you meant by leaving this house?). I hope you don't wind up doing something that's beneath you, because you really deserve something great!

Hey all, thanks for your replies! I was just wondering, particularly about the escalation and progression of cutting from the moment it starts. Sometimes I get that feeling like I can never go deep enough... I don't know, that might just be me. I don't really go deep, to be honest - too big of a coward to go as deep as I'd like. I tend to aim more for quantity than quality, if you know what I mean. Anyway, thanks for all the replies!

Don't let anyone discourage you from hooking up with a girl. For all you know, the other people telling you to stay away are jealous or whatever, and aren't being sincere. In any case, you should be smart about this and assess this from your own vantage point: do you find that she can be domineering? If so, to what degree, and do you think you can handle that? There are other qualities you might want to look out for, but generally speaking you have to know the girl better first, see things for yourself, and see how compatible you are.

Whoa! You need to take a second to breathe! You're in the dilemma that most perfectionists find themselves in, with regard to how you view yourself and how you handle work, but there are techniques out there to help you cope that don't involve lighters or razors. Like jordan_2 said, you need time to explore yourself and understand your interests in life, and once you do this and give yourself a little space, you can begin to priotize what exactly is important in your life, and then carry out your goals. Don't ever think of yourself as a failure! It just bogs you down, makes you depressed, and then you get pissed off at stupid things like not being able to tie your shoes right because you're too frustrated, and these little defeats just accumulate and devastate you further. You can pretty up the picture and think of yourself as ambitious, because from the looks of it (taking AP courses, for one), you seem to have a pretty clear notion of what you want to achieve. This is a great thing! But don't load yourself with too much - if you have to, drop an AP course (if possible), so you can focus more on your other courses, and so that you're not loaded with more homework than can be handled. And I have to advise you from personal experience that staying up late doesn't do the trick - it just makes you more tired the next day and less able to concentrate so you take more time to do things that you would ordinarily do much quicker (again, adding to a sense of frustration). So if you must, put off work till the morning and focus on SLEEPING. A lack of sleep can completely disalienate you, and though it sounds so insignificant, it truly does impact the way you feel the next day. Exhaustion just makes you less able and less "functional," which may be contributing to your sense of failure. And when you're too tired, you can't process emotions as well and you tend to overexaggerate things; you don't see things as clearly, and suspicions arise when people don't call you back as promised. Apart from sleeping, try and take things with less seriousness. I know it's difficult, almost impossible, because it's in your nature, but try and let it go when someone doesn't call you back. More often than not, it has something to do with the person (they're busy; they're not feeling sociable; etc.) than with their relationship with you, so don't overanalyze. Try not to measure yourself in the way other people view you, mostly because you really don't know how other people feel about you, and because a healthy self esteem is one that can function independently of other people's opinions. Don't think that because you can't get a partner there's no one interested in you - you're not alone in that. Many people are single not because they are unworthy of companionship, but just because they haven't found the right person or they're in an unfortunate situation (e.g. small school). Focus on yourself. Realize that the effort is what you should measure yourself by - trying is everything, and attempting to succeed is an accomplishment within itself. I hope that in some small way this helps you out. Just take a second to breathe when things seem impossible, and you'll see they'll work themselves out if you give it the right effort.

I'm just curious about how deep people cut or how badly they burn themselves when they self injure. Thanks for any replies.

Your effort to try and change your reclusiveness is laudable and the first step to making any real changes in your life. Good job on that! It's only natural to want to feel closer to people and to feel like having someone to hold and cherish, but that comes with time and patience. Going out on weekends is good, and having some alcohol in your system is fine to ease the cogs in your confidence, but just don't overdo it. As for your views on relationships - that's absolutely normal. Just bear in mind that this could be a weakness in the sense that when you meet someone, you might latch on a little too strongly thinking that this person is the one. Take things slowly when you meet someone - focus more on trying to get to know people rather than trying to find that special person to cuddle up with.