anonymous_presence

While we're on this topic, anyone got suggestions for fixing a pretty bad farmer's tan? Should I put extra suntan lotion where the tan already exists and less on the paler areas to try to even it out?

Thanks for all the advice! Easyguy, the problem isn't necessarily my relationship with my parents, rather the fact that I was raised by the TV more than anything. Yup, hours and hours a day to my present day horror. So that means I got very little social interaction after school and on weekends, and wound up growing without the social skills needed to interact with my peers. I'm essentially developmentally lagged in the social department, hence the fear of people and the toddler analogy in my previous post. But my relationship with my parents is normal: close with one, distant with the other, so it kind of balances out. Whenever we go new places I tend to be more indepedent than when I'm home, oddly enough, because I'm paranoid about walking into people I already know - a highly discomforting thought. By passive observer I mean someone who hears something offensive, perhaps an insulted targeted directly at me, and does nothing in response. It's like I'm a puppet or something and I follow all these cues to know when to smile and laugh and, when I muster the courage to talk, what exactly to say (something that rarely exceeds 3 words). I tend to nod at a lot, or shake my head (if I'm following the cues right), and all the while I'm hunched over in this awkward and unwelcoming position like I've got cramps or something, but by the expression of my face (a contorted smile) you would not so assume. It's not being like a sponge at all, but a tumbleweed, dry and frail and despicable. It doesn't root from wisdom or an appreciation of human nature (although I'd love to claim so), but from cowardice and retardation. I guess "passive observer" weren't the words I was looking for. IronLion, I looked into that before and actually meet most of the criteria. It's hard to follow conversations for all the reasons you listed and for all the typical APD reasons. But for it to be a disorder, a professional has to diagnose it, so I don't exactly consider myself to have it. It's getting the professional that's the tricky bit. I don't think my parents would be very pleased about it.

The regret ends only when you understand and come to accept your actions, which is by no means an easy process. I think you have to give yourself a lot more credit - you were in an incredibly difficult situation and had to deal with a lot of emotional stress, what with the loss of your father and then winding up with a bad boyfriend. It would help speed up to process if you severed off all ties with him. Is he still emailing you nasty letters every couple of days? Block him, get him out of your life. You have no need for him, and by making this absolutely physically clear (burn all his possessions that you still have, if you have to!), you'll get a sense of closure and will heal more quickly. By putting a bad relationship behind you, you can stop feeling remorse over it. What your ex did was unforgivable, to use your father's passing as leverage to get you back. I find that shocking! You need to realize that he took advantage of you, and that the decisions you made didn't reflect a conscious choice on your behalf to stay with the bad guy and let the good one get away, but a choice based on fear. You have to rationalize your behavior and realize that you did the best you could do at those times at which you were grieving over your loss. The concept of being victimized probably isn't any easier to cope with, but it can be comforting knowing that you weren't responsible for it. What you are now responsible for is taking over the course of your future. The best way to put the ugliness of the past behind is to make amends and have a positive outlook for the future. That means talking to the nice guy and mending your friendship. What happened is no reason to break a friendship - if he's a truly nice guy, he'll understand what happened to you and why you acted the way you did. As long as you didn't run back to him the second you were single and make him feel like a Plan B guy, then there's no reason for the grudge given what you've told us. He's probably just confused about what's happened and isn't sure how to proceed. So talk to him and clarify things. Take things slowly - don't dive straight for the gold (you just got out of a relationship; you need time to heal!), but take things slowly and work on your friendship. Let things happen spontaneously before actively pursuing something with him when you're good and ready for it and if he still wants it. Stop being angry with yourself! You should be angry at your ex, if anyone, for what he did. I think you need some time to sort out your past and find your self worth after all the bad relationships you've been in. Maybe you want to talk to a therapist about it if things get difficult to deal with. Your attitude that things make you stronger is great! But you have to make sure that you fully metabolize those things before you set them aside. What concerns me is this streak of bad relationships and being cheating on. You may need a counsellor to sort out your wants and prevent the streak from continuing.

You know how toddlers cling on to their mother's hand when they go someplace new? (well, some of them, anyway) To let go, they have to get over their fear of the world and realize that people aren't bad and aren't scary. Only then are they able to walk alone and discover the world for themselves. What if you never really had that as a child and you're still afraid of people? Everyone has it more or less, manifested as a fear of rejection or a fear of commitment. But in some people it's so paralyzing that it's as if you're still a child, mute in public and needing a supporting hand to walk you through new situations that involve unfamiliar faces. I hate being this way. It even comes down to simple things like saying "Hello," to people on the street. It turns you into a passive observer, and that's the worst kind of person out there (I come off as dull and boring, and understandably no one bothers trying to find out if there's something deeper to me beneath the icy exterior - hell, I wouldn't either if I were someone else). It violates without mercy the border between shyness and rudeness. Any advice on dealing with this? I haven't seen a professional about it. Is it something you can outgrow with time and patience?

Surround yourself with people who make you feel good about yourself. People who you are confident around. It'll help you be more optimistic and boost your self esteem a bit. Ugliness isn't a condition but a perception. You perceive it because of your low self esteem, but you most likely are quite attractive but are unfortunately oblivious to your potential. Attitude has a lot more to do with how people see you, as ElektaHere said. If you look down and away from people's eyes when they talk to you, slouch and cross your arms because you're feeling down about yourself, your body language is inadvertently telling people to go away. There's a cause and effect, but you change the cause and get positive effects. True, some only talk to people with magazine-perfect complexions, but those people are hardly worth hanging around with anyway. Don't be so hard on yourself - you seem to have a great attitude!

People who tend to be successful academically tend to fall into a rut. Success becomes the norm, and it's just not that satisfying anymore. It gets to be expected of you, and instead of being something that brings you tremendous happiness, it keeps you at a normal level, whereas if you didn't do amazingly, you feel depressed. There was a study that showed that people who were on the road to success were generally happier than people who had actually achieved their goals, reason being that the path to it is more rewarding due to its uncertainties and falls (and subsequent rises). This doesn't go to say that you've already reached your peak, but that you got the title last year, did speculatively well on your tests this year, got that scholarship, and now all these things have become a way of living rather than achievements (speaking from my experience anyway, don't know if it entirely applies to your situation). Well, keep on doing all those great things that you're doing! But to feel satisfied and happier, maybe you can try doing something you really suck at instead of doing the things you shine at. It sounds a bit like you're bored and need a challenge, and if you do something that you're absolutely terrible at you'll change it up a bit (any activity that you like but aren't good at, whatever that may be). It doesn't even have to be something you're bad at, but just something different or challenging, like doing something about that single status of yours? Going out and meeting girls so that you can share your successes with someone.

You're not alone. Coming to an acceptance of who you are comes with long, protracted experience that's often unpleasant. Few people are truly happy with who they are, but they just don't admit to others in an attempt to conceal their flaws. It doesn't make you crazy at all. It just means there are some things you need to work on until you're happy with yourself.

She's probably not aware of it and does it out of habit, because you seem okay with it. It's not right though that she should be able to criticize you and you not her, but if it's something that's mutually accepted, then hey, it's a piece of pie. That's what it seems like from her perspective most likely, but you aren't okay with it, so bring it up. You two clearly have a valuable and strong friendship, yet if you keep letting her walk all over you, you'll feel resentment, and that's not easy to fix. So better sooner than later. Tell her that you don't appreciate her telling you to improve yourself because you're happy with who you are (no need to play the offense and start picking out her projected insecurities). Ask her how she feels when you make jokes that unknowingly offend her - it's either all or nothing, right? Either she stops reacting sensitively or you and her alike stop the jokes. She could be laughing it off in public to make her appear like someone who's easy going, and is earnestly trying to tell you to stop making those remarks (however innocuous they may be) but just doesn't how to. Be nonconfrontational and understanding and there won't be any conflict, just a sincere discussion.

Anyone who would so easily walk away from something good just because things got a bit more difficult is not worth your time and energy. It's not justified at all! People are not objects of mere whims and impulses; it takes character to stand firm and steady and pull through the roughness to get to truly rewarding bit of the relationship. Every relationship at one point or another has a "hole," regardless of how it formed, and that you stayed in there shows true character on your behalf!

Have you tried other mediums of communication? It's kind of difficult to get to really know someone via email, but it's still perfectly feasible. It's just more intimate and personal to talk on the phone, though understandably that's not always an option. Depth comes with time. Every letter and email is revealing, and if you let them accumulate, you'll find yourself deeply bonded to that person no matter what you talk about. Of course, bringing up personal issues will speed up the process, but only if done in a light and welcoming way.

The media pressures women into being beautiful and men into being with beautiful women. In terms of society, men who are with beautiful women are admired. "When was the last time you saw an ugly girl with an attractive guy?" Well, the popularity of that question attests to the pressures both genders face. Of course, on a personal level things change. On a personal level things are so varied that you can't possibly discuss them fairly in terms of generalizations.

The problem probably has more to do with her current problems: why is she acting the way she in recent months? What has caused her to be more aggressive and lose some of her friends? It may just be a phase, but is it showing any signs of alleviating? That she said she considered being with other guys isn't unusual. In context, with her wondering what it would have been like otherwise, it seems like she's unhappy with her current situation and is wondering how things would be like if they were different. This doesn't necessarily have to do with your relationship: she just isn't very happy right now with things in general and is going through a rough time for whatever reason, and is going through a series of "What if...?"s as a result, and because you constitute a major part of her life, you're going to be one of those, "What if...?"s. The seeing other guys thing also has to do with her age. When you're young, it's time for exploration. Some people can go by just fine without it, but others need it to realize what they're missing. It's okay if she wonders about that - it's not exactly infidelity. It's natural - everyone in a relationship wonders about that at a certain point. It's a test, if you will, and if she comes back with all ten fingers, then that only makes your relationship stronger. The thing is that you seem to be dependent on the idea that she will "change her mindset." What if she doesn't? What will that mean in terms of what you do? How long will you give her to do that? What exactly do you mean by that anyway? You mean that she will no longer think about dating other people? You see, this isn't an exact science here. You can't gauge the rate at which she changes her mindset. You're going to have to redefine what exactly it is you want from her, but you can't just expect her to change who she is and suppress natural desires. It seems like she wanted to date other people to see how things would have been different (a "What if?") rather than to not be with you or anything like that. Give her some time and mental freedom to discover what she needs at the moment, and give her some support while she's working out her past issues and trying to sort out whatever it is that's making her be less social and different than what she normally is like.

The way you see yourself matters more than what other people think of you based on your appearance. Say there are two people, one incredibly handsome yet a dud, and the other mediocre in terms of looks but with a great personality. If the great personality person comports himself with confidence and doesn't really care about his looks, most girls will find him far more attractive than the other guy. This doesn't go to say that you are not incredibly handsome! It's just an analogy. It really doesn't matter how you look, whether you have amazing looks or not. It just matters if you're okay with yourself and who you are and are able to radiate confidence. Confidence is what attracts people in the long term. So don't let your negative self image bog you down! You need to get out there, as patch2006uk said. Find out for yourself that there are people out there who will want to know you as a person. Take small steps, like by going out of your room into areas where you can meet girls. Take it at a rate that you are comfortable with. Don't be afraid of taking risks because of what happened in the past with the other girl.

You say you will have to break up with her if things don't change, but what sort of change do you have in mind exactly? How can you expect her to suddenly become affection out of the blue if she doesn't even know that you think she's becoming disinterested? You have to talk to her about it, tell her clearly what it is exactly that you want, and in all fairness, you should probably do something to initiate it yourself, by calling her as often as you'd like her to call you and so on. You feel like she might not like you anymore, but that's just a feeling. Can you find some concrete evidence that would support that belief? To my knowledge, people don't generally put up the bare minimum; they make it explicit and put far less than the minimum. I think she's still interested in you based on your initial post. But when did you start to feel this way? Before or after meeting her? If you're afraid of being rejected, is it possible that you're holding back yourself and sending her mixed messages that in turn is making her hold back? It's best if you talk to her, ask her how she's feeling and let her know how you are feeling so that you can work it out together. She's probably really into you, and you have to let her know that you like her back so that she won't feel hesitant about calling you all the time, emailing you, etc. On the other hand, as Ta_ree_saw said, it's true that once the initial heat fades, you fall into a steady relationship based on trust and not necessarily a constant shower of affection. That's simply inherent in relationships, and to spice things up again you both have to contribute to it equally.

What's changed between now and last summer? Why did it work back then and not now? The type of weight loss program you follow really depends on who you are as a person. Some people go for a reward based program, others just dive in. Your source of motivation is going to be something very personal, so just focus on what you want to achieve and why (health reasons, aesthetics, shopping... whatever it may be). A workout buddy will definitely help you stay on track. One reason I can think of that you may be discouraged from doing it this year is that you did it last year, and yet here you are in the same position. Being in a cycle is no fun and is very discouraging. Once you're committed to your routine, make a promise to yourself that you'll keep it up throughout the entire year for permanent results. Don't just limit it to a summer thing! Keeping it up throughout the entire year will keep you motivated because you'll see the results, feel great and reap the benefits of weight loss constantly (increased energy, better mood, better self esteem, etc.). Maybe the fact that you haven't really started yet is blocking you from really starting. If you haven't stuck to it yet, there's always going to be "later" to start it. It's like you say, "Okay, this is my last chocolate bar. My diet starts after this." But then you say the same thing the next day because you haven't really gotten into it yet, and then you just keep postponing your launch date. So start right now! Once you keep up with it, it'll just become a habit and you won't even think about it. And it's much harder to break a 7 day streak than it is to break a 1 day streak. So start this minute! Start tonight at the very latest! Get some music on and start your cardio workouts and then pat yourself on the back! And get a friend to join you so that you can make it into a social activity and make it even funner!

I'd have to agree with the other posters. After you two parted ways, it seems like you were both back to the way you were pre-meeting, which is a good thing! If she felt it was unpleasant or if she was disappointed, then she wouldn't have acted so casually afterward. She seems very interested in you! I think a better question would be is if you are really still interested in her. It seems like that meeting aroused a lot of disappointment, which is natural if you had high expectations of what it would be like. Maybe she lost some of the shine that she radiates online as a result of her shyness, but with time she'll be able to truly act the way she is in person around you. It may have seemed like there was no chemistry between you two due to the silences, but like the others said, that's the way it normally is when two people finally meet in person. It'll come with time and patience. If you just wait out the awkwardness and really get to know her in person and give her time to get comfortable around you, something real can emerge.

How do you get over someone you like who doesn't have any interest in you? In the past, I've only gotten over crushes when they were out of my life for good, but this is just killing me, and to deal with this infatuation another year is going to be hard. I doubt the upcoming summer vacation is going to kill it (hasn't worked before, unfortunately; they always resume as normal). So do I write his name on a piece of paper and burn it? Really don't know what to do...

Sorry, but I have to agree with the other posters. Unless he's terribly shy, he would've done something by now to clarify any feelings he may have for you, especially after you said that you two should hang out sometime. It's hard, but to stop all the confusion and false hope, it's best to move on to other interests.

Priority problems are sadly never easy to deal with. On the one hand you've got this guy who potentially (98% chance it seems) likes you and who you like back, yet on the other you've got your mom and grades to consider. How important are your grades to your future? Not to be all preachy (hell, if I were in that situation, I'd let a few assignments slip), but be honest with yourself and what you want to achieve. There are moments to give in to desire and other times to be firm and consistent. Having grades that are below what you could've gotten isn't something that you can remedy easily in the future (but that really depends on what you're studying). Would you be more distracted with the guy that you are right now? Can things be put temporarily on hold? If you decide to wait a bit, tell him that your interested too (if the right moment comes along), but be honest with him about how you need to focus on your exams for the moment. He'll understand, especially if he's got them coming up too. Don't go all cold on him and neglect to tell him that you're studying - it'll just confuse and alienate him. About your mom, I agree with onmyownagain that you're old enough to decide who to date. But then again, I don't know the exact situation you are in... In any case, you seem really happy and excited! Good luck with whatever you decide to do!

I agree with RayKay (well put btw!). It's not healthy to withhold so much anger and sadness, as all it amounts to is resentment and evident hostility. It's good that you recognize that some sort of change needs to occur for things to get better - things don't seem likely to change unless he gets out of his reclusive habits and starts opening up. Even though you're more concerned about him, it's not right that you wound up crying after he yelled at his grandma. That's pretty big evidence that something is eschew; the next time he says that there's nothing wrong when you try to get him to talk about his feelings, tell him the way you feel in a nonconfrontational, honest way. He seems to be under the philosophy that things will go away one day, and if we could just bear through it for the moment, we'll be happy in the future. But that's not necessarily true: even though the external factors may change (i.e. he moves), his past will not and neither will his way of reacting to slight imperfections. His unhappiness roots from within rather than his current living situation, and even if you take on more of his emotional burden by being more supportive, it's not likely to change very much. Before he can do anything, he needs to realize that this problem does exist and isn't something that will blow over with time. Try talking to him about how you're concerned about him and think it will help if he talks to a counsellor. IAlso convince him that therapy isn't a sign of weakness and strength enables people to be honest about their feelings rather than enables them to withhold and repress them.

You should write a self-help book about that. I can only just imagine what diagrams it would have...

I agree with Bethany that this is probably a phase. It seems belittling to say that it's just a phase, but we all go through it, the extreme mood swings and the depression. I was depressed for the longest time, not really because I was truly depressive as in there were chemical imbalances in my head but because I was exposed to depression-inducing factors (such as exclusion, rejection, ostricization), which only persisted due to a low self esteem. It was cyclical too - some weeks were fine, some hours were fine, yet the rest of the time I couldn't even crack a smile. It's a universal truth that high school sucks - it's no measure of your character, it's just that high school is a place for conformists, and those who break the mold are cast aside. Often our perceptions exaggerate negative stimuli and reject positive stimuli. That is, we tend to remember what hurts us over our victories, particularly if you're pessimistic by nature. It's impossible that no one cares for you - I'm sure they do, but you just don't realize it because of your mood. If you manage a smile and become more optimistic, people will be drawn to you. So don't worry, things will work themselves out, just have patience and have a positive outlook.

Given that she hasn't given you much information about this guy and about her interests in him, it wouldn't be fair to fill in the blanks and draw hasty conclusions. If you're thinking that he's a replacement for you, that's completely far from the truth! Even though 20 days is a relatively short period of time, be honest with yourself: would you be any less upset if she had waited 30 days? Two months? The time period doesn't really matter, it hurts all the same, but more importantly, the time that lapsed is NOT a measure of the quality of your past relationship nor of your character. It doesn't mean that her feelings were any less real or any less deep - it doesn't mean anything at all. It just means that you're no longer in the dark and able to move on yourself. Also, that she's with someone completely different means just as much - nothing. It's sweet that you care for her and want the best for her, but you're not one to decide who she dates, who's good enough for her, etc. Also beware of falling into the mentality that because this guy doesn't live up to your expectations that you'll be able to rescue her in some way from him (not to say that you think this, but if you do). It's hard to let go, so sometimes we make it easier for ourselves by building in these little traps, little plan B's to recover our losses and try to regain a sense of control (much easier to accept a break up when you're subconsciously plotting to get her back). To truly let go of something we love is made even worse by the implication that we are completely rescinding control. The truth is that you are gaining back control, returning to independence, which can be a liberating feeling in the long run. I say all this because of what you said: "I really need this time to myself, and I'm willing to wait for her to figure out what she really wants." There is no waiting for what she really wants. You understandably want her in your life, but you can't depend on the elusive hope that she'll come back to you. It's best if you just accept the situation and focus on yourself, focus on becoming less passive and all those things that you wanted to do. Read a book, fly a kite, try speed dating, whatever works for you. Just accept the fact that the romantic relationship is over. Make it easier for yourself by not wondering about the future - focus on today and take things step by step, one moment at a time. Good luck!

Right now, above anything else, you need time to work things out with yourself. It's hard, and I'm sorry for the way things turned out and how they came about so unexpectedly. You have to realize though that a break up is a break up, and even though she sent you all those mixed signals, sometimes acting nice, sometimes acting distant, there was no verbal commitment made. You had expectations, but people change, and it hurts, of course. But people don't change because of what other people do necessarily - people just grow independently, especially in long distance relationships, and so it's hard to work things out in the long run. You kind of felt it all along, what with the other guy in the picture, that something like this could happen; it's not a result of anything that you did or didn't do, it's just what happened and there's no sense in trying to rationalize it or begin wondering "What if...?" Sever contact if you need time for yourself right now. But really, in the long run, what are you motivations for cutting off contact completely? I think you need to be away from her until you've reconciled the fact that you two cannot be a couple, until you no longer hope that you'll somehow get back together. Don't do it because you think she'll suddenly miss you again and come running back - it may have worked for your friend, but how likely is lightning to strike twice? And don't do it out of spite - if there was no commitment to begin with, then there was no violation of it. If you're going to do it out of rage and resentment, you're just going to feel worse, and these things have a funny way of consuming you. Going outside to get fresh air is completely different than going outside because you're angry at the person indoors - you're effectively locking yourself out. Just try to accept the events that have happened and hold your memories in a positive light. I agree with teacup that you should tell her. I wouldn't divulge all the reasons as to why if I were you, but the amount you tell her to explain why is up to you. After all you've been through together, she deserves to be notified of the fact that you need to be alone. Also, the long term future is up to you to decide. But as for now, take some time to reflect, don't let yourself drown in anger, and realize that you did nothing wrong.

The both of you need time to reflect and evaluate your friendship. You both seem to be confused by the mixed signals you keep sending each other, that it's just gotten to be so complicated as to being uncomfortable and awkward. There are clearly unresolved issues, ones that you ought to work out, such as what exactly you feel for each other and what the parameters are on your relationship. It seems to me that the disagreement on what level your relationship is at (she says friends, you want more) has caused each of you to distance yourselves, given the fact that you both requested a break. What you need right now is an understanding of what you have. You care for each other but you need time to take things slowly as friends, to keep things at a healthy level so that things can stabilize. She might not be ready to talk about the relationship yet, so give her time and give yourself some time to sort out your conflicting wants. I don't think you should go NC because you need to start with friendship - how else will she see the changes you are undergoing? Furthermore, you need to drop your expectations that this will flourish somehow, even if only temporarily - it's putting a major strain on your current relationship with her. Okay, so you made some mistakes. Who doesn't? She made several as well, as you pointed out. It's not fair to say that women only like strong, decisive men... that's far from the truth. Obviously she likes you as you are, but it's good that you're working on becoming less passive! Passiveness is not an unattractive quality inherently; the problem with it is that it means you're silencing your characte. Character is active, but you see that and are moving in the right direction by standing up for what you believe in more. Well done! I think the bigger problem that arose when you sent the letter is that you laid out all your cards on the table, essentially putting your heart on a chopping board and waiting to see what the chef will do with it. It's not that you've sacrificed your manliness - women like honesty and openness. But she's been acting hot and cold around you lately, because there's no more mystery left really, so she knows all that she needs to about your feelings for you, and yet she's left you quite in the dark. She hasn't told you about this other guy and hasn't told you where she stands, and she refuses to talk about the relationship and gets angry when you mention it. She's making you feel jealous and uncertain about yourself. Maybe she just wants you prove your feelings for her by doing something truly active so that you actually have to work to get her? All along you've never really had conflict, never had the fights, never had the makeups. So maybe she wants you to make a stand and show her your feelings? I don't know, she could be interested in this other guy or waiting for you to work to get her. I think that your friendship with her is valuable and is something you shouldn't sacrifice in the mild hopes that she may come running back to you in a few months time when she realizes how much she misses you oh so terribly (manipulation tends not to work well). Be honest with yourself and what you want, but for the moment I think it's best to just let things stabilize.