anonymous_presence

I don't necessarily mean that there are people out there who are bad. I just mean that there are people out there who are average. Average to the most absolute degree. The type of person that is probably heavily acne scarred, terribly insecure, neither bright nor dumb, who wind up working for their fathers as a subordinate or in the local Subway in the storage room; in short, the type of person that you wouldn't notice: someone invisible. Many they've got some great personality lurking inside, but maybe they are just as they appear on the surface, so neutral, so insignificant. How can you deal with self-hate as one of these people when everyone's actions around you seem to justify this hate? When people ignore you, when people even give you dirty looks, how can you not say, "Hey, well there must be something wrong with me?" How can you not succumb to it, when you're only consolation at the end of the day is loneliness, desperate loneliness, and you gaze at the wall in deep reflection, unable to come up with any other explanation to dismiss your problems away? This question of hate is so baffling - I keep losing my train of thought. How can you reconcile hate based on the premise that people can deserve hate? On what grounds is hate warranted? Hate implies inferiority, which again is another concept that's difficult for me to accept, despite the fact that I know it exists (inferiority implies betterness; so speaking as someone inferior, what does that leave me with? While superiors are out their relishing their happiness, must I nurse my wounds because I am inferior?). Alas, answers are hard to come by.

I'd say that the other side of the coin is whether you're okay with what you do. Confidence comes from within; it's not the absense of caring about what other people think about you. To have a confident, cool attitude about life, you have to accept yourself, which may mean being indifferent to what other people think about you, but it's more about the act of embracing your own identity and personality. The steps you took in the church group are very brave steps! And that's how you start working your way to confidence. So far, you seem to be on the right track. You see how it pays off to be yourself around others: feels pretty damn good! If you crack a joke or two, contribute to the discussions, it doesn't matter what you do or say as long as its not contrived. People don't receive phoniness or unapproachability well, but they'll receive you if you are sincere.

I understand what you both are saying. PRSOV, you said that people shouldn't hate themselves because they have good qualities. But that's not necessarily true. I have difficulty accepting that, because not everyone is inherently good, not everyone can contribute something to society (operating under the assumption that the greater purpose in life is to give back, and by doing so you somehow redeem yourself of your mistakes). There are people out there who just repulse you, and that's purely a subjective statement, but how else could you that type of hate towards other people? There are people out there who are dumb, not funny, not kind, not considerate, just people you can't stand, and it's not a question of some intrinsic quality in the person at question that makes them so disagreeable, rather a mismatch between you and that person. Point being it's just not something you can fix, not something you can grab an umbrella for. And when you feel that towards yourself, it's a completely power-stripping ordeal. On the other hand, how can you justify believing that if you are a good person, you will be liked? It implies that there are bad people who won't be like: what consolation do those people have? It's silly to say that every is everyone else's equal, because it's purely an optimistic, idealistic statement. But it implies that there are inferiors and there are superiors (not in terms of power, but in terms of goodness if such a thing could be measured). This imbalance just confounds me, especially because I view myself on the bottom of the scale, with three fingers clutching the bottom most wrung trying desperately to stabilize my grip. Tyler, there's a split between who I am inside and who I am outside, but this split is massive. Enormous. I hate who I come off as to others. So I guess I don't experience that second type of hate in the sense that I hate my true self, because I don't. But I'm more interested in the hypothetical I suppose.

How many of you out there hate yourselves? Probably a lot. Most of us have experienced the sort of hate associated with ambition, the sort that we feel when we feel shamefully inadequate, when we're embarrassed or regretful. The sort you feel when you squeam at the thought of who you are relative others, how inferior or small you might feel. Or even relative someone who you could potentially be, but for some reason or another aren't. We can all relate to that, and we can all think of wonderfully helpful ways to stop it (improve yourself, stop caring about what others think, read self help books - yes, all wonderful, feasible advice). But is there another type of self-hate? Can you hate yourself as though you were someone else, the type of hate the develops for no real apparent reason? You know the way you hate an enemy, that's probably based on something trivial, that type of hate. The hate that you can't bury, that's so deeply ingrained within you so as to be inextricable. The hate you feel when you see that person you loathe to an unjustifiable extent. Do any of you feel that sort of hate towards yourself, one that exists completely independent of reason? The type you'd feel if you were to see yourself physically duplicated in reality, that would make your stomach churn and tighten with something that disgust doesn't quite adequately describe. Do you all relate?

Maybe all you need is a bit of perspective. The problem with self injurers is that we're too impulsive, that we get caught in the heat of the moment, and we think that in order to recover or to fix ourselves we need to cut, because that is the supposed foundation of our existence, the center around which our universe revolves. But it isn't. Spilling blood and slicing open your skin doesn't make you any more you than eating a cookie does. We believe it does because it's a trained reaction, two unrelated things that appear to have a direct cause-and-effect relation. We're so submerged in hate or pain, too sad for words, that essentially anything will relieve us of our pain so long as we expect it to. You expect cutting to work, and so you receive it with a positive mindset, and it creates another vicious cycle that we have to deal with. Of course, as always, it's much easier described than practiced in reality. Just try to delay the time in between the initial urge for cutting and the moment you actual do it. Take advantage of that time to gain some perspective. Think very literally; list out all the factors that have lead to this impulse mentally or even out loud (be very specific!). Another thing I find that helps is imagining what it would be like to cut yourself. There was a study somewhere that said when people imagine themselves cutting they get a sort of physiological kick from it. It's not really a way to cure the problem, seeing as the entire self-injury is still there on a different level, but it helps to occupy yourself, to gain time before you actually plunge in with the blade. I wouldn't always recommend talking to your friends. That's why we have sites like this, to rant and let it all off. Not every is a cutter or fully understands it, and people tend to have negative reactions to it. And you're right, you're friends will just worry, not necessarily judge you, but maybe become distant (depending on how close they are?). Besides, if you're not the type of person that confides in others very easily, then it would probably distress you more than anything, and may even trigger more self destructive impulses. You really ought to decide for yourself whether you should tell the people around you, but always trust in the fact that there are people here to listen to you!

Going along the lines of what ShySoul said, how exactly might you, erm, start?

Are these things that you have been feeling for a long time? Since when did you start feeling so insecure? Was there a certain event that triggered them? Have you tried occupying yourself when your feeling self deprecating? You should try to take your mind off of whatever thing you're obsessing over by doing a hobby, working or engaging in some productive activity. Distract yourself so that you don't have the time to dwell on whatever happened and feel worse about yourself. When you're going to do this, take a few deep inhales and just say, "Stop," and move on from the moment to think about something else. Don't allow yourself to indulge in these thoughts. One of the best ways to handle shame and guilt is to think about the situation and whether or not you are justifiably at fault. More often that not, you aren't. It's good to accept responsibility for some things, but to harass yourself is counterproductive and unnecessary. It shows that you have a conscience, but you need to realize when enough is enough. For example, watching a movie and relating to a character that is depicted in a bad way shouldn't be taken as a personal offense. Everyone can relate to one of those, and everyone has to deal with flaws that we wish we could change. But that's the reality of life: we are imperfect. Everyone deals with this, and some people a little too well and make it look easy for the rest of us, putting us in silent shame. But there are people who beat themselves up about it too, and I hope you realize that you aren't alone in this, and there is no shame in being insecure; there is nothing wrong with it, and there is nothing wrong with you. Another thing you have to realize is that you can't be held accountible for other people's cruelty. Some people are mean and vicious, and they make jokes and insult people with no regard for the feelings of the people they are offending. And they do it with little consideration for the actual person - they have nothing against the person being bullied: they just seize the opportunity to appear superior. So it's not a personal attack when someone laughs at you, though it's still a rotten thing to do. Few people master the act of laughing it off and walking away proudly; I suggest you just forget about, and occupy your mind with other things. When you're feeling suicidal, think of all the happy moments that you've had. Think of all the future ones that are waiting to happen. It's hard to imagine when you're feeling awful, but it'll help with the impulsivity that drives these suicidal thoughts. Suicide is not a way to take control - finding help in your times of need and getting better is how. Maybe if your current counsellor is getting you no where, you should switch to someone else who'll give you the tools to ward off the shame and guilt in the long run.

The problem with testing her by not being the first to innitiate the conversation is that it shows a lack of interest on your behalf. It can be received as discouraging for her to start talking to you, because normally people who don't converse are busy or something. Also considering the fact that you've only been chatting with her for a couple of weeks, you're at the point when it's easy to lose touch with the person. Going a week off is like cutting off the relationship altogether. Maybe it's just too soon to make a strong impression - closeness like that takes time to build.

Don't worry about whether people are judging you or not - let them think what they want, and don't let their opinions influence your own feeling of self worth. You want to get rid of the awkward feeling when you're around others. From where I'm standing if most of the time you feel okay around others, then you're doing pretty well! But to appease the nerves, just don't think. Don't even think about thinking about being yourself (then there's that tendency to over do it). Don't think about being funny or sympathetic or cool. Just listen to what the people are saying, really pay attention - people respond to that. A response will come naturally if you let it, and let things flow pressurelessly like that. Just don't think, or think about something completely unrelated so that you aren't focusing on your every single move. There's nothing wrong with wanting people to like you. Some people need that sense of validation from others in order to feel a sense of fulfillment. It's not the healthiest self esteem a person can have, one that's dependent on other people's opinion, but it's good in the sense that you are considerate of other people and have a sense of self-awareness to monitor your behavior. Just work on accepting yourself regardless of what other people think. Start by becoming an optimist - don't think bad thoughts about yourself. That means don't dwell on regret and embarrassment. Appreciate your good qualities. With time you'll feel better about yourself and more secure around those certain people who make you shy.

If she talks with you for an hour, then that's probably a good sign. And the fact that she's invited you to places is another one. By the looks of it, she seems interested. I'd keep an optimistic outlook if I were you!

Sometimes it's just a habitual thing. If you've always been the first to say hi, then it might be awkward for her to initiate it for once. There are many possibilities as to what's going on with her... Maybe you can try asking about it in a non-threatening sort of way?

When we lose sight of what grieves us, we tend to lose sight of hope. Don't dramatize or romanticize your pain: make the causes of it clear and obvious. Saying that life can't be beat or something along those lines just overwhelms you, and after a while you start to believe that you've exhausted all reservoirs of hope, and then what are you left with? So you tell me, why is it that we hurt so much in this world? Our minds are powerful instruments, and once you've lost it, you've lost all happiness, everyone you've ever loved, and everyone who loves you will have lost you always, and your absense will be felt. You will be missed. Find strength in knowing that there are people out there who care about you, people who in the future will need you, and that there are people around who can help you in your times of need, such as this one.

rosalyn1223, what current methods are you using to cope with your stress? For some it helps to get near others when they're feeling the urge so that they get distracted from the temptation. Other people vent, taking it all out through exercise (or simply just beating up a pillow), write in their journals, write poems, sing, scream... There are so many alternatives to cutting when you're feeling down or stressed out. What exactly is stressing you out? sapphos, keep it up!

Why would you think that your mom is starting to suspect that you have been injuring yourself? If you think about it, like avman said, it can be a good thing if your mom finds out. She can help support you and make sure that you get through this with relapsing. She'll be concerned, of course, but don't you think that she would also be proud to know that you are recovering and getting over this? And wouldn't it be nice to not have to hide your scars around her by wearing long sleeved shirts or pants when the weather doesn't warrant such attire? If you explain it to her, she wouldn't be angry with you. But if she finds out before you tell her, then she might get upset to think that you couldn't approach her with your problems. What should you do? Either keep hiding this from her, which, judging by the fact that you've been doing this for almost three years, doesn't seem impossible. Or you can confide this to her, which would probably be rewarding in its own way. I understand why you might not want to tell her based on personal experience, but if you have a good relationship with your mom, at least consider it a possibility.

The point I'm trying to make is that cutting is not about the method; it's about the intent. People do exercise to the extreme not as SI, but as you said to compete at professional levels and so forth. But self injurers can use exercise, just like they can use cutting, drinking or smoking, as a means to injure themselves. That's all I'm saying. Nothing inherently qualifies as self injury. Cutting has a place to shrine the body with permanent marks in some culture. That's not considered self injury because it's meant for decorative purposes. Getting a tattoo hurts the body, but that's not SI either. The same with exercise - depending on what goes through the mind of the person engaging in the exercise, it may or may not be self injury, though you are right in saying that more often than not, this is not the case. I'm just voicing the fact that to a small minority out there, exercising may be the chosen method of the self injurer when they are consciously seeking to harm themselves by pushing themselves into exhaustion and punishing themselves accordingly.

I remember reading somewhere about sporadic and frequent cutters. Could someone please clarify the difference between the two? Does a regular cutter do it at least once a week? Or at least do it regularly regardless of the events that happen to him/her? For example, he/she does it without having a specific trigger (failing a test, being made fun of, etc.) on a regular basis? Does a frequent cutter mean someone who's addicted? Any posts would be appreciated (as you can see, I'm a bit confused) - thanks in advance!

The important thing right now is to move on. Don't just wait around for her; as hard as it is to do, you need to get on with your life, start realizing that she is no longer the center of your life. Focus on becoming a better person, if that helps you. But don't focus on being a better person with the silent hope that she'll see these changes and want to come back to you. Her decision appears to be made, and if you truly love and respect her, you'll let her go. If it's meant to be (sorry for the cliche), it will happen, but not now. Give her the time and space she needs. For now, work on yourself and do things that make you happy. Just realize the reality of the situation you're in. Don't live on that dying hope that this will blow over. Accept that, as harsh as it may sound. It's for your own benefit to not dwell on this. Don't let this loss ruin you. Focus on finding yourself, the person you are without her, and make decisions for the future based on your own well being.

I see why you might be hesistant to send a letter to your ex's mom, but sending a short and sweet one would be a nice gesture. It seems like his parents are interested in knowing how you're doing and like you want to send one - so do it! As for the Christmas card, if you've already talked to him about it, then he's expecting to receive one. But whether you send one or not depends on your current relationship with him. Are you still friends with each other? Then send a card (don't make it too personal - short does the trick).

Exercising can be a form of SI - depends more on the intentions of the person pursuing the regimen as opposed to the actual method. There's a difference between someone who exercises to get fit and feel healthy and someone who exercises to harm their bodies - by pushing themselves until they are exhausted and dealing with a fair amount of pain. Using exercise as a means to deal with stress... well, the issue is iffy. If you purposefully doing it to feel pain, then yes, it would qualify as SI. For some people overworking their bodies is the aim, and in this sense, there's no real difference between it and cutting, purely because of the intent of the person to actively seek harm. In the end, working out in excess, as well as anything with the conscious intent of hurting one's self, can be considered SI. I agree though that it's not a good way to deal with issues - in essense by self injuring, you're just sidestepping the problem. But people do things that are bad for them all the time, so cutting isn't all that bad relatively speaking.

I wouldn't be so hasty as to diagnose yourself with a disorder. Only a certified counselor can do that. For the time being I would worry about trying to contain your anger. If you feel like you need help venting and coping with it, then you should probably see a counselor who'll give you strategies and techniques to deal with these emotions. What is your current technique for dealing with anger? Do you stop to think about what really is bothering you? Maybe when you're feeling angry (this sounds easy on paper, I know, but can be mastered with time and practice) you should take some time to think if what you're angry about is justified. You said that you frequently get upset about tiny unimportant things, so you should assess whether it is unimportant, and decide an appropriate course of action accordingly. It might help as a temporary technique to carry a stress ball. But I would advise you to find some place where you are alone when you get irritated and cool off so that you don't hurt anyone.

I'm sorry to hear that everything is so complicated! What sort of progress have you made in your therapy sessions? Stick to what your therapist suggests for dealing with this indecisiveness. Some people consciously seek out dissatisfaction and won't let themselves be happy. Those are things that you have to work out on a deep level. But just know that everyone experiences contradictory emotions, and sometimes there are things in life that you simply can't reconcile. You have to make decisions and keep your peace of mind with the results that ensue. Sure, it would be great to reap the benefits from all the options possible, but we can't do that - space and privacy is important, but so in companionship. Find a compromise between the two - purposefully set aside time for yourself when you're in a relationship. Do you feel like being committed to someone is suffocating? Then find someone who is more compatible, someone who is okay with you spending some time to yourself. Sometimes it's difficult to make decisions because you simply don't know what you want. Are you the type of person who changes behavior when you're around different people? Or are you consistent in your attitude? If the former applies, then you need to spend time discovering who you are, and then you can establish what it is you want to achieve. That might help with making these decisions and assessing what it is that you truly want. Why is it that you feel like nothing makes you happy? Why is it that none of the options seem to satisfy you? I'm not asking to attack you or anything, it's just you didn't say in your post. Do you feel like nothing's ever good enough? Or do you feel like you don't deserve to be happy? Sometimes we're just accustomed to being depressed, and it's actually uncomfortable to be happy. I'm so used to being depressed, that it's awkward when I'm excessively happy; every bout of happiness is proceeded by a crash of depression, and the crash is invariably stronger than the intensity of the happiness, so it's easier to avoid happiness (if that makes sense). Do you feel something along those lines, an instability of mood? Hope this helps, and I hope your therapist is helping you cope with this indecisiveness. Update us on your situation!

The only real difference between cutting and other activities that hurt ourselves is that the former simple isn't socially acceptable. People hurt themselves without being conscious of it, more commonly in some mental way, like calling ourselves stupid when we're embarrassed, though this is frivolous relative to taking a razor and cutting our skin. But they're still on the same lines, and it just so happens that society draws the line somewhere in between, and everything beyond that line is not considered acceptable. I really don't understand why it's so bad either. I have trouble dealing with regret, shame and guilt, and it's simply the way I cope with these things. Arguably working on my self esteem would be the "healthier" alternative (as deemed by society), and arguably when we're confronted by something and use cutting to take our minds off of it we should deal with the problem rather than dodge it by self injuring, it's really no different from other socially accepted forms of hurting ourselves (e.g. alcohol, smoking, drugs). There are pros and cons to it, obviously, and I personally think it's better to work things out than resort to SI, but there are barriers to doing so, and those barriers shouldn't be overlooked.

It definitely sounds like you might have depression, but in order to get a diagnosis, you need to see a professional about that. I'm sure that there are people who can empathize with what you are feeling - trust me, you are not alone in these feelings of devastation. But in the end, it doesn't really matter. You should focus on your own emotional well being and controlling your impulses to cut. To do that, you need to talk to someone about this who can help you work out your problems and make sense of the things that you are feeling. Try to pin point what exactly is bothering you, what makes you want to die? Is there something specific or is it just life in general? What happened since March that made you start cutting again? I'm sorry that you feel so terrible, but know that there is help out there for you. I hope that you take it so that you can start feeling better about yourself and about your life!

Yeah, it's completely normal to have emotional highs that are followed by lows. I'm like that all the time, though I'm not exactly the normality one would aspire for. I frequently have moments when I'm hyper and manic which only seconds later are tagged by fatigued depression. As for the solitude vs. social life issue, it's only natural for people to find comfort in what they're accustomed to. If your past is one marked by solitude, then you can't expect yourself to suddenly change into someone who parties everynight. There's nothing wrong with that, as long as you're content with your social life. Don't underestimate the value of the progress you've made thus far. Keep it up!

If you feel like what you're dealing with emotionally is too much or concerned that there may be an underlying problem, then maybe you should see someone about it. What exactly is bothering you? Are you suddenly confronted by an event that's causing you a lot of stress, and now you're simply reacting to this stressor, which will go away with time? Or are you suddenly acting out of character and you can't identify the source of this change in behavior? If you're leaning more towards the first option, then read about stress coping strategies on the web or buy a book. Like DN said, make a list and prioritize things, and maybe make another list of the things that are troubling you and ways to deal with them. Write in a journal and set aside some time for reflection. Overanalyzing things is not necessarily bad. On the one hand, if you have an upcoming event and you're thinking a great deal about it, then you'll come off more than prepared to deal with it. On the other hand, it can be a huge chunk of unnecessary stress that just leads you to go in circles. I don't know if you have some sort of conflict with someone or if you're regretting things, but regardless, try and make this analysis a period of constructive reflection. Say you're worried about something in the future. It's okay to consider all the possible outcomes of this event, and it's good to consider what you can do to make a favorable outcome ensue. But once you've done that, enough is enough. There's no need to go overboard and go into stress mode. If you have trouble taking your mind off the topic, then occupy yourself with work, physical activity, hobbies, whatever. Just don't think about it too much or else this event will come off as a looming monster. If you're regretting something, do something similar. Identify what you shouldn't have done and think of ways that you can rectify it. I know it's hard to deal with it, but realizing that you've done something wrong is sufficient, and you shouldn't beat yourself up about it. Also consider possible ways to prevent what you did from happening again. If you're feeling shame about something and it's not really something "wrong", then learn to let go of this regret. If you're still worrying too much, then maybe you should consult someone to learn better coping strategies. Hope this helps a little bit!