anonymous_presence

Being so involved in extra-curriculars and your studies, guys probably just figure that you don't have the time or aren't interested in a relationship at this point. Try to make yourself as accessible as possible. There's probably nothing different except that you're now under more stress that before, and stress can lead to negative thoughts. The guys are probably still there attracted to you, but you haven't got the time to notice them with all that you're doing!

Not odd at all. I'm sure she and a friend would like to get out now that's school's over. Go for it!

It doesn't make you a hypocrite that you were helping your friend in a time of need. It's a sign of strength that you were able to fight the urge to do it meanwhile talking to her and still dissuade her from cutting. What exactly did you do to stop cutting 6 months ago? Has it become addictive yet? It's not uncommon to cut again after stopping just to remember what it feels like, especially if someone close to you is going through the same thing. It might seem like because you've cut after so much time and because you did it a long time ago that now you're back where you started. But that's not necessarily the case - sometimes it just happens, but you're a different person now, you're stronger than you were 6 months ago, you know how to handle your emotions better and how to not take out aggression on your body. You're more resistent against it, and cutting once will not change any of that. Don't let the fact that you might be a cutter again because you did it once hold any weight - it's not at all true! Doing it once does not make you a cutter again! It's about the mentality, and you don't have that any more if you've gone 6 months straight without doing it! Cutting is from a time in your life that has ended and is over with. Just keep supporting your friend through her difficulties, and if you feel the urge building up, then resort to the old techniques that you used whatever they were. But just remember that you are a strong person to have given it up once, and you are strong enough to not resume it.

Your problem doesn't seem to be one of lacking anything. On paper, you're funny, intelligent, clever - all the things you claim to not be! As you said, you need to build your confidence - that's key to enabling yourself to really be yourself in front of other people and allow your qualities to really come out. I can really relate to you - whenever I'm in front of other people, I completely withdraw. In terms of body language, I physically distance myself from others, I shrug, slouch, fold my arms - the body-language equivalent of "back off!" And then when it comes to speaking, it's an absolute nightmare - I speak too softly so as to be inaudible, I only speak single-word responses, and I nod a lot to avoid having to open my mouth. I frequently get so overwhelmed by the other person's naturally ability to exude confidence and be loquacious and funny, that I become mute and scurry away at the soonest possible opportunity. When I actually have the ability to think of things to say that are somewhat intelligent, it's still not enough to give me the stregnth and courage to actually say it because I'm terrified of messing up the delivery. Maybe I'm getting too carried away with my problems here (social phobia), but your situation reminded me of mine. I find that it helps to surround yourself with people who you can properly be yourself around. I have a couple of people that I'm almost completely uninhibited around, and as long as they are there, I generally maintain my composure even if other people who I'm not comfortable around are there too. Of course, it took about half a year if not longer for me to be certain of myself around those two people. When I meet new people, it helps tremendously if they are there. Sounds a bit like a dog on a leash, but it's the support they provide that really helps me overcome my self esteem issues. If you just stick to these "safety" people when meeting new people, then eventually the conversational skills will kick in automatically whether the support people are there are not. It's about experience more than anything, and because you were shy for most of your life, you don't have much confidence pent up. It's not easy to suddenly get out there and get this experience - it takes time and enduring patience - but it'll happen, and it'll get to the point that you can talk back without much hesitation when people make funny remarks to you. It also helps if the person you are talking to isn't a master conversationalist. When someone spits out joke after joke as easily as if he were breathing, there's nothing more intimidating. Build up practice and self esteem by talking to people who are similarly timid; like you, they probably are funny and have amazing personalities but take a while to warm up. Confidence plays another key role when it comes to conversation - if you don't openly acknowledge your mistakes, then other people won't notice them either (or at least won't dwell on them). If you trip and fall but have the confidence to get up gracefully, then people won't react to it. In conversations, you're entitled to the occasional stumble (however it may manifest itself), but just don't draw attention to it and magnify it for others to observe and behold. It's not true that "people just aren't interested in anyone who's dumb and doesnt have anythng good to say or knows accuratly well what their talking about." People care more about how a person feels about himself: they don't mind the person who's stupid as much as the person admits he's stupid (take the stereotypical cheerleader/athlete versus the stereotypical gawky kid). Don't get me wrong - you're obviously smart and witty! - but the way you present yourself has a major impact on how others will react to and remember you. Again, acquiring the skill to breeze through potentially embarrassing situations takes long, painful and sometimes life-threatening experience, but just remember that the simple difference between optimism and pessimism can be the most important of them all. One last thing - don't sell yourself short. You are NOT lame at all! Think positive things about yourself! That's too bad that you can't find good qualities about yourself, but I'm sure that anyone who knows you can name enough to leave them fingerless and toeless!

It's a tough situation to be in, needless to say. In a perfectly moral world, the person that you're with is by no means a measure of the person that you are. But when people look at couples walking down the street, they sometimes make judgments, wondering how a hottie can be with a beast. It's all so superficial, but it's hard to shut it out of your mind at times. Only people who feel inadequate themselves heed enough attention to what other's think so as to let it dictate their lives and happiness. You need to work from the inside out. I can relate to what you said about other people having high expectations. When people expect great things of you, it puts enormous pressure on you that in the end winds up suffocating. People tell you what you ought to be like, what you ought to achieve, and who you ought to date, and if you don't do what you ought to, then you've failed on a very personal level. Shame is no easy master. Doubt much less. I guess I can see the appeal of having a girlfriend that meets high standards. When you feel inadequate or insecure, you've got physical evidence of your own successes - better than a diploma, than any 4.0 GPA, any award, because she's a living testament to your greatness. One problem: I don't imagine many girls would appreciate being belittled to a trophy. Security with yourself and your image is not dependent on being with someone good looking. Some people just make you feel better, people that will stand beside you unconditionally. Those are the people that you need to surround yourself with. And those are the people that you'd best be dating. Not people who pamper you and compliment you every turn of the hour - people who simply don't give about your successes, who don't measure you according to what you're accustomed to being measured up. Someone who's supportive and caring regardless of everything, someone who understands. People who are critical of others are often harsh critics of themselves. While it would help being with someone who'll reassure you from time to time when you're feeling down, in the end you need to work out these issues for yourself. It doesn't require drastic soul searching, just a bit of time to push out all those voices in your head that don't rightfully belong there - the voices of everyone who pressures you into being someone else. I don't mean to go all Freudian on you, but it seems like your mother is a good place to start. Everyone wants what's best for their children, but sometimes that leads to the children missing out on what's normal, what's average, which could be the very best thing for you: relationships are not about standards or money or smarts or looks. It's all about compatibility, and any combination of qualities can match your personality. It's just a matter of not pushing people away for their flaws before you can discover their amazing qualities.

What exactly is the point of your high standards? Do you use them as criteria for potential dates? For potential girlfriends? I don't understand, given that you'd abandoned your standards when you went out with your ex... What exactly are you trying to compensate for? Hasn't experience taught you that these standards are not important to you? If you've loved someone who did not meet them, then why are you now looking for someone who does match them knowing that they are not necessary for happiness/love? You shouldn't stratify women into categories of "ideal" and "acceptable". You're just setting yourself up for the exact situation that you're in right now. The ideals are too hard to find, and the acceptables are good matches, but due to your mental labelling of them as merely acceptable, you think they're lacking somehow in purely imagined ways, even though you have fun with them. If you system of choosing dates based on these standards isn't working, then chuck it. It seems more like an excuse to back out of a relationship. If you're having fun with someone, then you ought to stick it out. If you always back out before anything really develops, then what relationship can you possibly expect to prosper? Keep things casual when you go out on dates. If you feel a connection with someone, then explore a deeper relationship with that person. Just don't limit yourself to girls that meet impossibly high standards...

There's far too much room for error when it comes to letter relationships. Writing can be a very personal and revealing thing for someone, yet you can't truly know what a person is like. There's problem, as Ladybugg said, with the writer, who can manipulate what s/he writes and make him/her appear to be someone else altogether. But there's also a problem with the reader, who can interpret the words in many different ways. It's so uncertain that there's too much room for idealization and projection for there to be anything real. But then again, you also see this in face-to-face scenarios.

When you were the best couple in the world, how did things work out with you two seeing each other? Did he call you back then and expect you to just suddenly show up at his beck and call? How exactly did this issue begin? Even though you love him and can't imagine the thought of not being with him, it's not a healthy relationship if this is the way you're feeling. A good relationship should make you feel secure about your worth, and the communication lines should be completely open so that you can communicate your concerns and your emotions without feeling hesitant. But he's not listening to you when you tell him that you can't be so spontaneous as to be rebellious against your parents (which is a ridiculous request!), and he isn't accepting the fact that you love him when you tell him so. It seems like he's testing you, making up nonexistent problems and blaming you for them, and seeing how far you'll go to please him, and that's not a price that anyone should ever have to pay for being involved with someone. There shouldn't be any price period. You need to re-examine your situation here. Instead of blaming yourself, realize that he's put you in the awkward position of being the victim. As the previous posters have said, he's making you do all the dirty work to make this relationship function. He's taking advantage of you completely. If he told you that if things don't get better he's gone without doing anything to make it better himself, then what exactly does he want? There are too many mixed signals being sent here, many of which you need to ask him explicitly to sort out. Even though you love the time you spend with him when you two aren't fighting, you have to consider your own well being, your own happiness and stress levels. No one should have to feel so lost, confused and alienated. You obviously do care about him and have made that clear, yet he's not getting this, for whatever reason, so talk to him about it. If he keeps giving you elusive answers, then I urge you to seriously reconsider your commitment - you deserve to be able to confidently say that you're with someone who will stand beside you through hard times and do everything possible to ensure your happiness and your relationship together.

As Tigris said, it's probably just embarrassment of PDAs. You said she was flirty when it was just the two of you, so there seems to be a link. It's probably just in her nature to be a bit withdrawn, and she needs time to test the waters before she can get fully comfortable with the situation. Ask her what's up. At the same time, let her know how much you appreciate her. Time will heal the awkwardness perhaps, but you need to innitiate some conversation/action, and let her know subtlely that she shouldn't be afraid of doing so either.

That's probably not the best way to go about it. Although it may seem moral and mature to hold it all in, it's really doing you no good. It's an itch that you need to scratch, and there's no way around that. You need closure, as NJRon said, and by suppressing the hurt and rage that you're feeling, you're merely delaying this process as it is naturally meant to unfold. Let it out! All of it! ***** about it all that you need to! It's not about vengeance; it's about letting yourself heal and properly move on. Seeing as your friends know the situation a bit better, they could also chip in advice and give you support when you need it. Afterwards, you'll be closer to them, and you won't feel like your ex has got all your friends. As for the guy you're with now, take some time to cool things down. Let the relationship naturally prosper. I doubt that you're way more into him than he is into you - he wouldn't be spending time with you otherwise. But still, given your workload and given the fact that you've got only 8 weeks left, it's best to keep things nice and casual. Don't hold on to any unreasonable expectations - you're a great person!, but it's just that there are circumstances that you need to consider.

As tyler711 said, it's absolutely all about intention. One of the key defining characteristics of self injury is that the person in question is fully aware that s/he's doing it to hurt him/herself, and the person will refer to the acts s/he commits as self injury. Not a lot of smokers (who don't SI) call themselves self injurers. I suppose that's an important distinction. Smoking, drug and alcohol addiction are all socially "accepted" forms of self injury, and I say accepted in the sense that people recognize the negative effects it has on the user, yet we don't name it self injury, in the same way we don't call tattoos or piercings forms of self injury, although if you want to stretch the definition with a lawyer's cunning, I suppose you could if you were terrible misinformed of what SI is. Basically, there are many things people do to hurt themselves, many things, even innate things like the mechanisms in our mind that make us feel remorse and regret, but they are not self injury because when we commit them, we do not consciously intend to inflict pain upon ourselves. It's the same concept as suicide: if someone gets hit by a car because he didn't look both ways while crossing the street, is that suicide? No, although if he had seen the car coming and wanted to end his life, then it would be. The other extreme exists as well: some people accidentally die while doing extreme sports, like snowboarding. And some people mask their suicidal intentions by making their deaths appear like accidents. It's all about intention. Going back to smoking: I don't think smokers smoke because they know that their lungs are shriveling up inside them with every pack consumed - they do it in spite of the harmful effects to enjoy the short-term relief associated with the cigarette.

Dako, my profuse apologies. shes2smart, thank you for the advice. I'll definitely check out those books!

A lot of the words in English are just there for aesthetics. If you develop the skill to pick out key words, like MaxPayne19 said, then you'll enhance your reading comprehension skills. In sentences, if you learn to focus on the subject and the predicate and omit all the conjunctions and what not (except when they change the direction of the sentence, like "but" negates what follows it), then you'll digest the meat of the sentence. When it comes to the piece of writing, the topic sentence generally guides you, so if you see that a paragraph has a promising topic sentence, slow down when reading it, and skim over the ones with fluffy topics. As for reading faster, you have to learn to kill subvocalization, the little voice that reads inside your head. It's really a hard habit to break, but when you do, you'll learn soon enough that the voice isn't needed at all. Although this skill is primarily intended to help you speed read, it's also meant to improve your reading comprehension because when you do it, your eyes absorb fragments of a sentence as opposed to isolated words. Instead of reading the following sentence word by word: "The red cat, sitting on the mat, moved to the side;" you break it into the clear divisible thirds that it can be broken down into, thus enabling you to read faster and improve comprehension. Here's a good link: link removed. It talks about subvocalization and how stopping it leads to an augmented understanding of texts. A few sites advise you to train your eyes and make them move faster, which seems a bit senseless to me.... The most effective way to kill it is just practice and doing the counting techniques while reading to block out the voice, and it'll come with repetition.

Well, thanks for the advice. Maybe it would have helped to inform you all that I've been battling with depression for years now, and although I am a mere 16 year old, it's also proved highly debilitating for me, taken a lot from what I could have become. Don't think me naive as having read some terribly sappy romance novel that touched me, and finding myself with some curiosity about the dark waters of depression. No, I've been there - gone through the weight loss/weight gain, gone through the insomnia and the hypersomnia and the constant fatigue, through the inexplicable mood swings (highs one minute, low the next), the black-and-white perspective in life, the all-or-nothing views; I have a low self esteem, self injure, etc. I'm speaking as a depressive, not as someone happy but looking for a twist in life.... I probably should have said that first, but there's something that I find unappealing about having to justify my emotions, having to have my knowledge questioned, but evidently, the way I went about writing my post did not prevent that.... Okay, having lived with depression for so long, it's like it's become apart of me. If I'm grossly misinformed about anything, it's most likely about happiness. I can't reconcile who I am and happiness, there's a repulsion between the two that I can't seem to break through. It's comforting because I know my identity as someone depressed, but I can't imagine the shift that I would undergo as someone "normal." She2smart, maybe you're right, that it's a question of attitude. As for why would I ever want depression (and I use the word "want" very loosely) is because I'm a self-destructive person. I deal with a lot of self hate, and it seems a suitable punishment. I'm the type of person that doesn't like credit when it's not warranted, and I'm not a great fan of it even when it might be. I feel like I'm walking free, waiting to be struck by lightning, and I'd rather feel like I have what I deserve.

I don't know how to go about writing this, but isn't there something beautiful about depression? There's something artistic, something compelling, intriguing, something that makes it difficult to let go of. It's almost like it's comforting, and being happy just makes me feel out of place or something. Maybe it's because I'm so used to depression, that a life without it would just seem empty? It would entail a major change, perhaps one that I'm not ready for? More likely, I think it has to do with stability - when depressed, you can't fall anymore (well, not significantly), but when happy, you're vulnerable, and it's that vulnerability that I dislike. The higher you go, the harder you fall, right? This seems asinine, but is it wrong to want to be depressed? Because you think you don't deserve happiness, or because happiness has a slight numbing effect (ignorance is bliss)? Why do I want to be broken so?

For what specific reasons are you feeling so much pain? What exactly is triggering your impulse to cut? Don't be vague or elusive, even though it's hard to get down on your knees and pluck out each individual cause of your distress from the vast garden of stressors. But we really can't help you in any meaningful way otherwise, unless you don't tire of hearing, "You can do it!" If it helps, I used to be a in similar situation. I was never really addicted to cutting, but I did it every night for about a month in a sort of unconscious way. In the sort of way that I never stopped to think that I should probably not be doing this. Some days I'd be super elated, I'd be myself, but I'd feel so guilty thinking that I didn't deserve it that I would cut to bring myself down. And when I was down, I was so depressed that I needed to cut to make myself normal again. My cutting only worsened each high and each low, making it more difficult to cope with. The only way I could stabilize my mood was to refrain from cutting, despite all the attempts I made at catharsis and reflection and exploring my mental interior. You just need to see that you can "be normal" and "your old self" again if you stop cutting. Don't think that it's futile to stop cutting because you can never be you as you ever again. You can! And you'll be all the more happy for it. The first few days of abstinence are always the hardest, but it's well worth it!

I personally wear light makeup daily (just some powdered foundation to cover up some blemishes). I don't see the point in wasting valuable time and money on prettying myself up for no special occasion. I do indulge in makeup's healing powers over big things (think to the scale of prom) but even when I go out to parties I keep a minimalist approach. I agree that natural is best, not only because of convenience's sake, but simply because it's more beautiful anyway. Sometimes heavy makeup has the opposite effect than what is intended...

When it comes to balancing out time for reflection and time for studying/socializing, equilibrium is a matter of finding an arrangement that minimizes your stress level. You might want to limit your long-term engagements to must's-only to accommodate unforeseen mood changes in the future. Try to keep things short term, so that when you look at your mental calendar, it's not bogged down with planned-by-the-hour events. Keep it as flexible and as comfortable as possible. Bear in mind a couple of things. Friends are very important in a person's life. I don't know you're personal history and I don't know much about autism, but friends in general are needed for more than just socializing. They're there for supporting you, to lend you an ear when it's badly needed and to console you in difficult times, sure, but they are also there for validation of your identity and for grounding yourself. If we didn't have friends, we'd be bouncing off the walls, losing our minds over the littlest of things because we'd have no other way of verifying the truth. When we have concerns, it's comforting to know that your friends share the same concerns, not because you can find solutions together and assuage anxiety by talking things out (although that's part of it), but because you realize, "Hey, this is normal." And when we figure that out, we can soundly let go of these things. I'm not saying that your friends can necessarily relate to and provide you with this grounding effect for the issues you're currently dealing with. I'm saying that the absense of this effect can make you more confused, more paranoid, and make you feel a little more on the edge. Secondly, don't underestimate the power of the unconscious! Although it seems counterintuitive to load your schedule with plans, keeping yourself busy may prove worthwhile. When you're occupied, you're mind is still active in the background sorting out these issues. It seems utterly stupid to take up knitting to solve major life crises, but it's sometimes better to leave it to the unconscious rather than gripping the issue until your fingers go white from lack of circulation. When I'm depressed, I tend to dwell on what's disturbing me, and this only is conducive to my depression (a "vicious cycle" as people love to refer to it as). You know how people always talk about "talking things out"? Well, that's not always the best thing to do given the fact that when you "talk things out," especially painful things, you give them life, you re-experience them, and you feel the stress of the event - all the depression, the anger and the emotion - all over again, thereby having an adverse effect on you. Sometimes when I'm depressed but too busy to reflect on it, I tend to recover a lot quicker. Another thing, you said that this all happened really recently. The act of shoving everyone out of your life, of isolating yourself to the extreme and limiting your activities to mere necessities seems to be impulsive in your case. Although it may seem like tossing the clutter out the window, it could be a self-destructive behavior, a punishment of sorts. When you say that you "dont see how I can be even humane company to anyone" you're putting yourself down, and isolating yourself is just expanding on this. Stop if you have to in the next couple of days. Let things calm down. But be wise about it; don't let it become self-destructive. About your trips, you should leave your options open. Consider whether you're really going to have fun on them. Weigh out the pros and cons. A little escape from time to time never hurts.

As far as eye contact is concerned as a method for determining whether a guy likes you or not, it depends on whether he does that with everyone. Some people are just eye-contact-ish people, and it might be a mere formality. If he doesn't do that with other girls, then they probably have a good reason to be very envious of you.

That's great! Very inspiring! You'd think that at the time of the monthly anniversary it'd be difficult, swamped with memories, etc. etc. Glad to hear you've moved on and grown from the experience!

I don't think it's as easy as adopting a new attitude. You've had a rough life given your childhood and your past, and as such it's come down on your to reconcile what it means to deserve pain and why pain even exists. Many people who lead lives that don't involve the same extent of pain as you've experienced don't even wonder about these things. But you have to accept the fact that there's some working in the universe that possible cannot be explained, that there's no justice in this sort of pain, and to be left to dealing with these mysteries, especially alone, is a very confusing and depressing process. Not to go psychoanalytical on you, but do you feel that because you've suffered so much, you think that other people should share the burden? It's not fair at all that this depression should come upon you, and so it's only fair that this injustice be equal, and distributed evenly? When you said that you wanted your girlfriend to suffer materialistically because you think she's had an advantage in life that she doesn't appreciate enough, I got the impression that you feel like your pain should be... well, shared, I guess. Get some professional help. Find one that's actually helpful, and given budget and time constraints, that's a difficult thing to do, but it's important. Until then, try to talk things out on here, in a journal, wherever. What exactly do you mean when you say you want other people to suffer? With what purpose? With the purpose of making other people experience what you have? If other people suffer, do you believe you'll be better able to relate to them and them to you? Or do you mean that you actually want it to happen? What are the repercussions of these things that you want to happen, and which of these effects give you satisfaction? As emptychipbag said, thinking these things is not necessarily bad. You recognize that a car crash is a bad thing, and it's that recognition that makes all the difference.

I agree with WildChild about getting some rest. You need to relax, pause, and take a look at your lifestyle with the objectiveness and distance that only comes with a pillow and a blanket. It seems like something frivolous, but when you don't sleep enough your mind goes haywire and you lose your rationality, and even though your thoughts are perfectly valid, they become amplified in the anxiety and chaos that comes with sleep deprivation. Besides, sleep helps your recall ability, which in turn helps you ace tests. Aside from that, you're not stupid. Your post clearly proves that you are a very thoughtful person, one with legitimate concerns, and there really is no way to assuage them unless you come to some sort of acceptance of the person that you are as well as the flaws that you come with. High school is no easy deal, especially when you're taking honors courses. Every year in my middle and high school career, I thought that there was no way it would be possible for me to make it through the next year if I was struggling in the current year, but it's just a frame of mind we develop that doesn't take into account our capacities for growth. This is a rough patch, but you'll make it through, as you'll make it out of future tribulations to come. It's just a question of focusing on something during the difficult times and finding the energy necessary to do your work and keep yourself on course (e.i. keep your grades at levels you find acceptable for long term goals, keep your health where you want it to be, etc.). Keep doing what your doing, but be practical about it. If studying isn't working for you because you're staying up till three in the morning to do it, the clearly the 5 extra hours you're staying up are doing you no good, so just forgo the studying and get some sleep! (On a side note, to optimize studying time, you ought to study hard for a certain stretch of time, take a day off to let your mind digest it, and then review prior to the exam date... of course, life doesn't always permit such flexible timing, but it's something that you might want to consider. It's about finding the right study habits that work for you.) Also, don't become a robot and think that you must sacrifice all else in the name of academics. You're a human being and you need to wind down, do things that you enjoy. Sports and aggression-releasing activities are highly advisable. It seems like you're key problem here is one of control. You can't control your teachers and their methods, and because of the incompatibility between their method and your learning style, you're not doing as well as you could be doing in that class. You can't control how people react to your difficulties in that class (you keep getting all these negative responses - and they don't at all reflect any incompetency on your behalf, rather a misunderstanding on theirs). You don't feel like you have control over your future (you've got this set destination, this set route to get there: high school, college work - where's the liberty in that?). You have a negative self image, and so you feel you can't follow this path, that you can't meet the expectations of your parents, that you can't do well in that class, that everything's going down hill... No wonder you're feeling depressed again! To top it all of, you've got this depression which seems cyclical and you feel you have no control over as well. And with a low self esteem leaves you with even less control over the way you interact with others and view yourself. So how do you get things back in order? You've got to really halt and analyze this, consider what goals you have for your future (stop listening to the voice of convention and explore what you really want to achieve, because even though if you wound up a janitor (which would be a prime example of someone being underemployed) or in some company making good pay, it wouldn't be rewarding unless you had a passion for it). Of course, when doing so, don't unleash the 5-year-old within that wants to be an astronaut, but be practical. Compromise between what is realistic and what you want. You can get control over your grades through time management. What did you do in that period in December and January that worked so well for you? How can you employ those same homework strategies now? If work accumulates, ask for extensions and make a plan on how you will sort your time out to meet the deadlines. There's no feeling worse than that of having a pile of work to do for the next day including tests and major projects and reading assignments. If you can relax the anxiety factor, then you can work more efficiently and be more productive. If you're a list person, make lists. If you're a go-with-the-flow type of person, just try to monitor your time, and if you must, do a sloppy job (on the minor assignments at least) just to get some of it out of the way (if there's time to spare, you can always touch it up). Don't drink caffeine. Get more sleep. And schedule in some time for leisure, even on the busier days. Over 7 consecutive hours of homework is worse than 2 3-hour periods with an hour long break in between. As for your parents, try to make them understand that that class really is difficult. And tell your mom how you feel when she dismisses the difficulty of it by saying that it's easy. If you don't have one, you might want to talk to them about seeing a therapist. When you're emotions are turbulent like they are now, just find some way, anyway, to calm down, to turn them off, to examine them and find some source of solace. It's tough, and it really depends on the type of person that you are, and you have to discover what works for you in that respect. Visualization techniques, art, exercise, music, poetry... Counting sheeps or counting backwards from 10 (100 if needed).

You know you have confidence when you stop thinking about whether or not you have it.

I can relate to that outsider sort of lifestyle. I was (am) depressed, and that's no crowd pleaser. It put me in a place that does not converge in the slightest with that of my peers. Last year was terrible: I sat with fashion-obsessed superficial girls. But this year is much better, just because the tide brought new people my way, people who I can actually relate to. Point being that a lot of it is based on coincidence and a bit of luck. For someone who can't relate with the generic sort of folk you find, it's just a question of waiting for the right circumstances to bring about people you can relate to. But on a college campus, you have a lot of options. Just try to get out there, meet new people. Join clubs where you can meet people with similar interests. Make yourself available and approachable. Yeah, I know, kind of lame advice, but unless you induce the change yourself, you're not going to see results unless you wait for luck to kick in.

Confidence is a difficult master for most. It lets you be you regardless of the circumstances. It lets that person up in your head fully manifest him/herself in the real world.