HoldMeTightly

first of all, i don't care about me. i love this girl. obviously you've never been in love because that feeling controls all. waht would make you think that i would want to abandon her now? i love her. i dont know how many more times im gonna have to say it to get the point accross. she means more to me than anything in the world. she is my girlfriend. meaning we are dating. we plan on being together forever and i know that sounds naive and ignorant but it might even happen (i dont know). i have control issues too. i cut. (i have for almost 5 and a half years) i was bulemic at one point but decided to drop that because of something. (it wasnt easy but yeah, i overcame it). she is not controling me. sometimes i get depressed because of something she says but i came here for more advice that you jsut telling me to dump the one reason i am not killing myself. (and believe me when i say she's the only reason i dont press harder when i'm sliding the razor accross my veins.) now maybe some good advice could be helpful to me. anyone?

I don't know what to do. Today I didn't have my ipod while mowing the lawn (I know, god forbid) but that keeps my mind off of thinking while cutting the grass. The entire time, I was thinking about how I could kill myself the quickest. I was thinking about taking a bunch of advil and since that is a blood thinner I could slit my wrists just in case. I was thinking about stupid ways to do it too. Then I remembered that the only kind of pills I have at home right now is midol. That reminded me that a few months ago, that is the exact thing that almost killed my girlfriend for she overdosed on midol and was approximately an hour and a half from death when she told her parents she was scared never to see me again. I think about killing myself like that like, once every two days or something. I guess that's a lot but it's life. I want to tell my therapist that I get this depressed, but I don't know. When i tell her I cut my arms/legs open she just, doesn't react the way I want her to I guess. She's almost indifferent about it. I dunno. Nevermind. I just want a good way to bring up thinking about suicide without being sent to the hospital. (i wouldn't mind that though). Anyway, I felt guilty as hell for thinking about killing myself and immediately called my girlfriend when I got inside. I was looking at my text messages as the phone rang when I got a bunch from her telling me that she's been taking diet pills (That her friend gave her) and she threw up three times today because her mom made her eat. (she's an anoretic). I then read a letter she wrote me today that she gave me before school and realized what her good and bad weeks are. Her good week is her eating one to three meals a day and not throwing up more than twice that week. Her bad weeks go like this: no eating for 2-3 days, her mom notices on the third day, makes her eat dinner, she continues to binge and purge for up to four times that night and then goes to bed, and eats breakfast, doesn't eat for the rest of the week. It kills me. I don't know what to do. I love her so much. I know you'll tell me to get her medical help but that just won't work like that. She has a therapist that she refuses to talk to (she doesn't talk much) Her parents already couldn't pay the bills because of her high medication fees (pills for schizophrenia, sleeping pills because being anorexic makes her an insomniac, and depression medication). I just want to make her happy. I want to hold her up and have her touch the stars. She is my love, my life, my world. (oh also, she has this really cool thing that she does. I wanna know if anyone's ever heard of it. She like, when someone's talking, each word represents a color that she sees in her head. Then she orders the colors in certain orders while the person is talking. Like if you're talking to her you can be like, what color is… (my name) and she'll say: It's a light green. Or what color is hamster (it's brown). I dunno. I just find it fascinating and I was wondering if anyone has ever heard of that.)

ill be trying to leave very soon. im a junior in high school right now. i dont know when ill be able to go to college (it depends on my ACT score) because my grades have sucked all through high school because of my depression, being hospitalized... a school change... and dealing with my parents. (the emotional, physical, and mental abuse) anyway. thank you for your help. i don't know when i can write that letter or when ill be able to give it to her. but she's disconnecting my phone line at home including my internet so that i can no longer stay in contact with my girlfriend. they may be selling my car but i don't know that yet. this is all so insane. blah.

oh... and i didn't mention... i'm pretty much permanently grounded... just so that i can't see her (this means my car, keys, and lisense are gone too...)

oh i get it. wow im stupid. i totally missed the question in your post. blah. long day i guess. don't say i love you until you totally mean it. i agree with the above poster... you may feel like a million bucks... but love is more like seven trillion bucks. and kissing... just go with the flow. if she stares at you in the eyes really long... just go in for the kiss. if she doesn't want to, she'll turn her head and then you know... 'hey, i might wanna wait for a bit until she's ready'... you know? i dunno if that helped... good luck!

what do you need help with?

My mom is tearing apart my world. I fell in love with my good guy friend's girlfriend six months ago. (the "guy friend" and I are no longer friends) For the past three months, his ex girlfriend and I have been dating. My mother does not approve of my sexual orientation, thereforeeee I have been sneaking out of the house to see her, visiting her for ten minutes at a time sometimes after work, or right after school. Just recently my mom has "found out" that we're dating (though she already knew, she didn't want to admit it aloud) and now she's doing everything in her power to pull us apart. I have a one hour phone time limit for a day, I am not allowed to see her, the phone is disconnected after ten pm so that I can't call her. I can no longer text message her. I am not allowed to have aol instant messenger (though I sneak on at night sometimes). I just want to hold her in my arms. We both suffer from severe depression and we're both dealing with some other issues as well, we are there for each other through all of that. But right now, I can't be there for her. I'm so worried about her. (but that's beside the point) Nothing in the world scares me more than losing her. It may sound ridiculous since I'm only seventeen, but I love her, and she means more to me than anything in the world. I'm trying to compose a letter to my mother right now, and I need some help. I just don't know how to tell her to get her to understand that eventually she's going to have to accept that her daughter is a lesbian, or she will no longer have a daughter in her life. If anyone could think of some things to say to her in a very, appropriate and professional manner then that help would be so greatly appreciated… you don't even know. Oh yes. Happy early Easter to anyone who celebrates that holiday. Happy late Passover to anyone who's Jewish (it was Wednesday, right?) and Happy anything and everything to anyone else that celebrates something I missed!!!

thank you so much everyone!

My girlfriend has to go in for tests today at her psychiatrist's office. They're testing her for learning disabilities that might have come from a car accident like… ten years ago. She doesn't remember what it's called but she said it has something to do with the order of things and how she gets things out of order and orders things or something. She says she doesn't think it's dyslexia. Does anyone know what they could possibly be testing her for? Thanks so much for your help.

thanks. and yeah. of course not until it's healed. it would suck if it got infected and like... fell off (lol!)

My girlfriend just recently (saturday) got her clit pierced. When it heals I plan on giving her a good time, however, I think it might be a little awkward down there with a ring... does anyone know of any special techniques or... anything to help me out? Thanks.

Problem number one, I'm in love with this girl who is the most amazing person I have ever met. I suffer from extreme depression and I used to cut and smoke; I gave up both of those for her. The problem: I'm also a girl whose parents hate gays. My mom keeps ignoring the fact that I'm going out with a girl though she knows because I've caught her reading my journal. Problem number two, I love (am not in love, but love) my best friend. Who is also a girl and is the only person that I can really talk with and we have crazy chemistry. Problem number three, I cheated on my girlfriend with my best friend (we just kissed, closed mouthed, a lot of times in one night when she was supposed to be tutoring me). My girlfriend and I made up (and out) but even though I'm madly in love with her, it seems the only thing we do is have sex and make out and stuff like that. I love her so much, she means the world to me and more. I love to have intelligent conversations with people, and I know she's capable of it, she just has some social anxiety problems and doesn't like to talk. That's what my best friend has (whose going to Stanford next year), she has intelligence and we talk. We really talk and she understands me. But I would never break up with my girlfriend for her, but I have crazy feelings for this girl. Problem number four, I almost broke everything off with my girlfriend back in December (she was cheating on her boyfriend with me and I thought it was best to not have them break up) so that I could go out with my best friend whom I recently told I had a mad crush on. My friend told me that she also had feelings for me but she's not gay. She might be bi and now since we kissed she doesn't know either. I don't know what to do.

It's ED awareness week so I thought now would be a good time to post this. My girlfriend is anorexic and usually if she's forced to eat, she forces herself to throw up. I want her to start eating, I want her to be happy. She eats when she's happy, which is usually only around me, or right after we hung out, however, due to many conflicts, I can't be with her all of the time. What can I do? She's not talking in therapy. She barely talks to me about this because it upsets her a lot. What can I do? Please help…

I have the most AMAZING girlfriend in the world. She makes me feel like no one else has ever made me felt. We started seeing each other while she still had a boyfriend, but he was cool with us seeing each other as long as we didn't have sex. So we were dating and hanging out from Halloween until New Year's Eve, when we did indeed have sex (she took my virginity). I love her. I could never express to her how much I love her. My girl is anorexic/bulemic (if she's forced to eat by her mother or something, she vomits) but I'm getting her to eat a bit at a time. She's been schizophrenic on and off for her whole life (not a bad form, just slight) but has been okay lately. I love her. I want to show her how much she means to me but I don't know how. I want to do something cute for her, any time, any suggestions? I'm not very creative. I am giving everything to be with her, because my mother is the biggest anti-gay person I have ever met. She gave everything too, she came out to her mom a while back (like three weeks ago) and her mom is totally fine with it (thank god!) and adores me, which I am so extremely grateful for. Okay so here's the problem. One of my best friends at school and I have an extremely strong connection. We can talk about anything and her eyes hypnotize me as much as my girlfriend's eyes do. I know I'm in love with my girlfriend but how can it be that I love this girl as well? I'm in love with my girlfriend but love my best friend. UGH! Does this make me a bad person? How can I get over my best friend? Also, I swear to god my love for my girlfriend is genuine and I would never hurt her, ever. I just want to get over my best friend... If anyone knows anything cute or really cheesy i could do for my girlfriend just let me know

exactly how i feel too. sorry dont know what to tell ya hang in there.