lgirl
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I just dont know anymore!!!!!!
lgirl replied to nx2chaos's topic in Healing After Break Up or Divorce
nxt2chaos, you are doing the best you can given very challenging and difficult circumstances. luckily, you have your son to focus on and this will give you strength. hang on in there and keep putting one foot in front of the other. it's early days still, but things will work out okay (whatever happens) for you in the end. poco diablo, this poster came to us for help and support and instead got blasted by you for not being man enough IN YOUR OPINION. the fact is he is not being "trampled on" as you suggest - he is going thru a bitter break-up and no, his wife hasn't treated him well in all this, but it has nothing to do with whether he's a 'real' man or not (again, whatever that is!). contrary to your intention, your long list of examples to back your claims only serves to amply demonstrate your negative views, especially the following list of what a man should be (which frankly i find disturbing). if this what 'real' men are supposed to be like, then thank god not all men are like that!!! and this is a 'real' man? sounds like he neither values, respects or even likes women! it's a sad fact that if men didn't feel the pressure to conform to this type of macho bs, then we would all lead happier lives. so poco diablo, maybe in future you could stick to addressing the poster's needs, instead of using it as a platform to push your own 'misguided' views? -
I just dont know anymore!!!!!!
lgirl replied to nx2chaos's topic in Healing After Break Up or Divorce
i totally disagree wiuth poco diablo's offensive post suggesting you were too much of a yes-man. that's just his opinion and as he's not a woman, much less yr ex, he's not in a position to say what women want. there is no such thing as a man making too much effort in a r/shp - she wouldn't have stayed for 8 years if that was the case, much less had his baby. women rarely have babies with men they don't respect - it's one hell of a commitment to make!!! no one ever ended a r/shp b/c the other person cared too much or was too kind. there are other issues at stake here and poco diablo's insinuation that you weren't enough of a 'man' (whatever that means), is bogus. Poco Diablo, what the hell kind of WARPED view is that???? any man who treats a woman that way needs to see a psychiatrist!!!!!! -
I just dont know anymore!!!!!!
lgirl replied to nx2chaos's topic in Healing After Break Up or Divorce
nx2chaos, i am so sorry to hear the crap yr ex has put you through. it will take you a while to get from under this cloud and get over yr considerable shock, so try to be kind to yourself in the meantime - this means looking after yourself, eating etc. it also means not blaming yourself for the break-up as you try to piece together why it happened - from what you have said it looks like there was no avoiding it. the best thing is to concentrate on yourself and yr future for the time being. well done getting that promotion! also, moving away will help you a lot. you won't be able to understand what happened until you can get some perspective on yr situation. and you can't so that without a bit of distance (and time). for the sake of your sanity and yr son, you need to focus on looking forwards - yr ex is yr past now (her choice and her loss, btw). leave her to it - it might help her decide if she's sure or not about continuing with you. either way, it will do you both good to have some space. but frankly, if she's in that much doubt about being with you, do you really want to stick around? keep posting here - you are not alone! -
well done miracle29 - excellent post!!! women's sexuality has been 'silenced' for so long, it's gone underground. the fact is hornyness comes down to the individual, it is not about gender. also women want more sex more often than men will ever know b/c due to social conditioning it has been regarded as unacceptable for women to talk about their sexual appetites (especially in religious cultures like catholicism where as a woman your identity is only as virgin, mother or * * * * *) - we don't even have a word for what we do when we touch ourselves! we have no language to express our sexualities, unlike men. PS we always look at men's "packets" and butts - you'll just never catch us looking!
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what is the big deal about feminism? it's just about being treated with the same respect given to men, is all. equality. people don't have the same reaction if you say you're anti-racist. it's the same principle.
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how come so many men are supposed to be commitment-phobic - isn't that a fear of losing their independence? women fear losing their independence b/c their identities are so easily and too often subsumed in a r/shp, especially if they move in with their guy and end up doing all the household chores (even when both partners are working). many end up as the unofficial caretaker of the r/shp, which intensifies if they have a kid with him, when they really lose their independence and become 'mother'. men, by and large, have more freedom to be who they are (pursue their interests, hobbies etc), keep a sense of self.
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he could have issues about his sexuality - but can't face them. a lot of gay men masquerade in this fashion before they finally come out (some live their whole lives married, but with hardly any sex/passion with their wives).
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you don't like watching porn you feel uncomfortable you "hate it" why are you going against your feelings just because you assume "everyone else" is okay with porn? why are you prepared to give it a try when you don't really want to? if they said jump in the fire, would you?the majority of women are not comfortable with it - for the reason that they find it degrading and a turn-off. why is that do you think? it's how you feel that matters - not your bf(and he sounds like he is overdoing it). also, you say lots of yr male friends look at it and complain their gfs don't like it - how old are these guys? sounds like you're hanging out with an immature crowd. if you do not feel comfortable, don't do it! end of story. why are you putting his needs ahead of your own? if yr bf can't change his grubby habit or won't listen to you, then you are incompatible anyway, so you'd be better off finding a man that respects women, which yr bf obviously doesn't. not all men feel compelled to look at porn - some of them find it tacky and depressing and they prefer to stay in the real world. PS men are NOT hornier than women - that's a terrible misconception!
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you're welcome littlesensitive - just showing you some "tough love"!
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Ex wants to reconcile... but with added drama
lgirl replied to gratefulpain's topic in Healing After Break Up or Divorce
the fact is she WOULD NOT even have looked in your direction if her 'guy' had not already dumped her for getting pregnant (sounds like they deserve each other!!). remember that. actions speak louder than words. perosnally i think it was very off for her to get with him so soon after you broke up - has she no depth of feeling? i would take that as she couldn't have cared that deeply for you or she would have shown some respect and at least let some time pass first. but she didn't. you ARE her Plan B, and you deserve better than that as you know. trust your instincts - read back what you have written here. your body is telling you the situation is not on. you find her immature. she sounds like a liability and will only drag you down with her b/c she is the victim in all of this, as far as she's concerned and victims never consider anyone else's feelings. that's why she got angry with you - b/c you talked about your feelings, but she doesn't want to know. she just wants to know you feel sorry for her and will help her - if not you, then someone else. watch and see. i know this is incredibly painful for you, and i think deep down you know all the answers (ie keep walking), but you are just feeling too bruised to come to any decisions. her behaviour has been a shock to you. but that's okay. you will. once you get over the huge disappointment you feel in her as a person + the shabby way she's treated you, you will make sure you don't wind up as 2nd best (with her or anyone else). stay strong. it's HER loss, truly. -
your attitude makes perfect sense, but can i just ask you if he's so great why did you leave him? why didn't you try and make a go of it then (before you left/instead of leaving)? the fact he couldn't "take the distance" as you say implies he's not ready or willing to make that commitment to you or the r/shp (I say this as someone who was in a long-distance r/shp last yr, so i know all the pitfalls/difficulties), so are you sure it would work if you went back? i also think you're overlooking the fact he said he didn't see where yr r/shp was going, so it sounds like he was already having doubts about being involved with you (it sounds like you'd be doing all the running + you're making it too easy for him). the fact is you still left, so your situation is the same as a break-up, albeit there are no bad feelings betw you both and that means the same type of mixed emotions (missing that person, the intimacy you once had, the familiarity, the nostalgia etc etc) could surface, so you could wind up making the same "mistakes" as all ex-lovers do, and quite possibly think more is going on than he intends. i understand you want to give him a chance - but i would step back a bit and let him come to you. if you wanted to be with you, he would find a way to let you know and so far he hasn't (unless you make all the effort - has he talked about visiting you?). face it, if he was desperate to get you back, you wouldn't need to ask us, he'd have tracked you down already and told you. he would leave you in NO DOUBT as to his feelings for you, and so far he hasn't. when it comes to men, where there's a will, there's ALWAYS a way. and his attitude seems extremely casual towards you... so the only advice i can give you is don't sleep with him until you know EXACTLY where you stand with him - get him to tell you how he really FEELS. after all, if you're meant to be together, you will be: what will be, will be - so there's no need to rush. just be sure you really are both on the same page before you open your heart.
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well, the thing is you could meet up and think things are going well and end up in bed - and then find it was just for old time's sake after the 'event'. how crushed would you feel? he is playing it very casually with you, so if you're able to get with him and not let the outcome bother you, go ahead! it's dangerous to rely on instinct in this kind of situation b/c you will be dealing with a whole heap of other distractions, not to mention just the sheer familiarity of seeing him again and yr judgement cld be off. if you do meet him, maybe just keep it to coffee until you are in the same town and are in a position to get involved properly.
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is classic code for sex for old time's sakes without any strings. maybe he doesn't mean that, but then why didn't he just say it would be good to see you when you're in town? it's the "old times" bit that sounds very odd. maybe you should take the bull by the horns (no pun intended!) and ask him if that's what he means. you need to protect yourself emotionally, especially as he broke it off. PS if he wants you back, he will tell you
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Ex wants to reconcile... but with added drama
lgirl replied to gratefulpain's topic in Healing After Break Up or Divorce
wow, what a mess! your family are right: keep walking. i'm not surprised you feel so sick about things. the best thing you can do is focus on healing. she just wants to use you as an emotional crutch. she sounds weak and weak people are dangerous. the bottom line is, she made her bed, now let her lie in it. she should have stayed with you - instead she's coiming to you b/c she can't face the mess she made on her own. you deserve better than that. stay strong - you are better off without her. -
maybe, but the situation is all of her doing: she sounds like she's complaining when she needs to take responsibility for her actions instead of playing the victim. not only does she not let this guy know where he stands, but when he asks her, she "can't remember" stuff and she wonders why her lax treatment of him has made him to want to talk to her. this guy is obviously very hurt, hence his behaviour - that's down to her - she has done nothing to put his mind at rest or make things clearer and she wonders why it's all a mess...
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let's hope no one ever breaks your heart or you ever feel DEEPLY for a person, and then you might know what it feels like to grieve the loss of someone you love(d). sounds like you haven't had much relationship experience to be making such flippant comments.
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sounds like you made him feel pretty insecure that he would hack into your account. you must have got him suspicious. you are the one at fault here - you CHEATED and lied to him. how else would he react?
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hey mystik, i am SO sorry to hear how you're feeling, tho' i'd say the breaking of NC was forced on you by the circumstances rather than you set out to break it. i think you were very brave - especially as you didn't give him a good slap like i woud've done to my ex (well, 'punch' would be more accurate!! lol). i think you were very brave and i know how you must be feeling. there's not much i can say to comfort you other than if that's how he treated you, you are better off without him even if it doesn't feel that way right now. i just recently found out that not only is my ex still hanging out at the 'mistake''s place (b/c he has nowhere else to go and is trying to avoid his mother - a man-child amost 34), she is now paying for things for him and probably has been since he killed our r/shp!! can't believe he'd use her like that, but that's what he's doing. he isn't the guy i thought i knew and yr ex isn't who you thought he was, otherwise he would have treated you better. i wish there was a pill we could take to make it all go away!! i would sell my soul just to undo what he did to me, to go back in time and prevent it form ever having happened, from ever having met him... hang in there mystik. it really is his loss, not yours. ((hugs))
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condoms are really the best way to go! good luck
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i don't think men are a bunch of creeps. i seem to be the ONLY one who thinks they're not. it is EVERYONE ELSE (including other men) who keep telling me not to expect them to be decent. that's what i find so upsetting. like, how silly of me to have trusted one or believed my ex when he told me he was a one-woman man...
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i have nothing against men - i was only replying to dako's post that said men are crap - NOT my view and never has been despite my experience with my a$$hole exbf. i am so fed up hearing that from OTHER people; that i am naive to think they're better than that. makes me feel like i'll never find a decent guy if (as i keep being told by everyone) they're all like that deep down. NJRon - your tone is offensive and i don't find it amusing at all.
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i wouldn't take it if i were you. the mini pill isn't very effective - ie it has a high failure rate, so it doesn't provide good contraception (it's one of the least effective of all the Pills). it also encourages ectopic pregnancies and irregular periods. you need to research it more b/c there are lots of side effects that you don't seem to be aware of. most contraceptive pills will make you gain weight. also, it's not worth subjecting your body to the cocktail of chemicals they contain - many of which cause harm if used long term (thrombosis and cancer being just 2 things you increase your risk of getting). when my doctor tried to prescribe it for me, she let slip that it would stop my periods, encourages the growth of facial/excess body hair + if you don't take it EXACTLY at the same time each day, it doesn't work. needless to say, i didn't ever take it!
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i hope you're joking Dako. it breaks my heart to keep hearing that b/c my ex was a man, i shouldn't have expected more from him. that i shouldn't be surprised he cheated on me with someone he's too embarrassed to be seen in public with b/c he was a man and that's what men are like. they'll f*** anything. am i a fool for thinking they can't all be like that? there have to be some decent men somewhere...
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well good luck this time around! i think the best thing would have been if you could just be completely honest with her and tell her what you just wrote here - that you got fed up with her taking you for granted, not valuing you, manipulating how you feel for her. you need to tell her all that and that you deserve someone who is sincere about you. if she can't be, then she needs to stay out of your life. honesty is always the best policy. if you had been honest at least you would have left her with some respect for you. now she has no respect for you. PS you should never disparage your own character or let anyone else
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no you haven't. you have left her regretting her involvement with you and despite what she can say about you (lies or otherwise), privately she will only end up blaming herself for wasting her time on you. she will blame herself for not seeing the 'truth' earlier. i mean as far as she's concerned you even admitted being a waste of space, so what is she to think now you've confirmed that? again, why have you taken it on yourself to provide this 'avenue' for her. it's not your responsibility. if an ex wants to feel guilty, let them! (the road to hell is paved with good intentions...) and why do you want to leave someone with such a poor image of you?