lgirl
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have you never heard the expression: "the road to hell is paved with good intentions"? sorry you feel attacked, i guess i just express myself robustly at times.
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i do appreciate your efforts, they just don't ring true with me for the most part, is all. i have tried accepting them - hell, i have tried all of them and they haven't worked for me!! if it was pride, i would never have visited this forum in the 1st place. i am in full-time work, do lots of exercise (boxing, skipping, running), have a loving family, some good friends, i keep reasonably busy (right now i have some bar reviews to write up for a well-known guide, for example), i keep a journal, yada yada yada none of it has helped. i take GREAT exception to that!! you must think i'm really stupid or something. HOW have you arrived at that patronising viewpoint? i do NOT expect/want/hope my ex will change!!! and neither do i expect to have everything fixed "magically by tomorrow". you really insult me saying that. however, i would have thought after 10 months i could expect to feel better and i don't think that's too much to hope/expect. don't take offence b/c yr good intentions have failed to generate the response you hoped. it's not personal. some of us are just looking for deeper, more meaningful reasons to carry on. x
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hey david, how about giving better examples of ways to speed up the process of healing instead of cliches? next you'll be saying "give time to time", "time heals everything" blaaaaa! LOL i do try to help other people (some have told me i''ve helped them a lot), but i'm beginning to think it's not doing me any good, keeps me locked into this whole sadness, reminds me of all the pain i've been thru... the only thing positive about yr post is the idea (healing). sorry but it just made me feel worse. guess it's just too much of a 'surface' approach for me... anyhoo, i'm sure you mean well, so good luck resolving your issues.
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i don't know what to do with myself anymore
lgirl replied to sweetheart230's topic in Emotions and Feelings
1) what you see in the mirror is not a reflection of how you really look, but a reflection of your state of mind. you are depressed right now, which is why you think you look so ugly. it is yr depression that you see reflected in the mirror 2) beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so you are wasting your time worrying no man will ever find you attractive. there is someone for everyone. 3) a person's worth does not depend on their looks. 4) there is more to life than conforming to some physical ideal. what if you were in an accident and ended up disfigured, what would you do then? would that make you worthless? stop obsessing about yr looks and concentrate on improving your self-esteem. -
all i'm suggesting is cutting the potatoes out and then you could eat the whole panful instead of having to limit it to one measly bowl 9and wind up hungry later). and if you normally eat burgers & fries then cutting down to a bowl of soup will make you lose weight (tho' 5lbs is too much in one week). it's all about not eating REFINED carbs not cutting out carbs altogether.
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Diggity Dave you overlook the fact that for those of us who feel very damaged by our experience(s), wanting to or even thinking about loving again/someone else isn't a reality. how do you love when all trust has been destroyed, when your faith in people has been irrevocably ruined? how do you avoid it if you live alone etc? you're contradicting yourself! you have to face yourself sooner or later and trying to distract yourself for a few hours only works until you have to go home again... no avoiding that. nice suggestions, but if it was as easy as just taking yr folks out for dinner, renting a movie and 'spoiling' yourself by having a bath, no one would visit this site and we'd all be magically healed within the shortest time!!! and PS friends do not want to hear it after the 1st month is over - especially if they're good friends, so it's back to square one, alone again...
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i'm not friends with any of my exes - in fact it's strict policy of mine to cut all ties once a r/shp is over (+ if i wanted an ex as a friend, i'd never have got involved in a r/shp with him!!). personally, i don't see it as a red flag and i would definitely prefer a guy who had NO contact with his exes to one who was still in touch with one or more...
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okay, i'm going to say something entirely different!!! it sounds like yr bf is not so into the idea of you moving to be with him and his distant behaviour is a way of pushing you away; maybe hoping you'll get fed up with it and leave him b/c he hasn't got the guts to finish with you now. that's what you're picking up on and why you feel so anxious. pay attention to your feelings. you are not mad/paranoid, you are feeling this way for a reason. + i must say his tone is pretty cold and reserved with you in what he wrote. one final thing, my exbf (we were in a long-distance r/shp and like you i was supposed to move to be with him). he said he had "spoilt" me right at the end when he destroyed our r/shp. it's not a good sign if yr bf begrudges spoiling you and has the bad grace to mention it (!!) neither is it a good sign that he feels the need to ration how many times he/you call. actions speak louder than words (read his actions!!)
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TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS - they are NEVER wrong!!!!! dump him pronto. he's overstepping your boundaries and you don't need all that grief from those girls. leave them all to it, you are better off without a jerk like that!
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how confusing for you! my exbf used to wear his 'poker face' and it lead to huge rows b/c i'd have no idea something was bothering him; ditto the way he smashed up our r/shp at the end - i had no clue it was coming b/c he didn't say anything in the lead-up, so for me the 'break-up' came from out of nowhere and was all the more shocking b/c of it. all he had to do was talk to me your bf is not playing fair with you at all - shame on him that you now feel so uncomfortable in the apartment!!! (PS why are you cleaning it if it's hi space as well????). if you can't get him to attend couples therapy, then you should bite the bullet and leave him. he sounds like my ex - passive-aggressive and it will only end in tears – YOURS – if you stay and nothing's resolved. also, sounds like he's been taking you for granted BIG time. find someone who makes you feel valued - you can do better than this immature, rude boy. the fact that you feel so sad and confused speaks volumes. that's not love...
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use essential oil of lavender (available from health food stores etc) - it's like magic! it heals fresh scars really well and fades older scars + stops them looking red etc. apply neat directly to scars twice daily. i use it whenever i've cut my knuckles boxing and you'd never know! good luck
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Confessoress - you're gonna hate me, but if you want to lose weight you can't be making soup with 4 potatoes (or any potatoes for that matter), especially when you've already got chicken, carrots and butternut squash (both starchy root veg) in there too. sorry to be a kill-joy, but that is one fattening soup you just made.
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just to add my 2 cents-worth here. the point about the karma thing is not actively wishing bad things to happen to yr ex. in my case, my ex was SO unnecessarily cruel and i have paid such a high price for it, i'm more wondering how could he get away with it while i'm still so bruised. surely what goes around comes around? you reap what you sow etc? as opposed to wishing it on him (tho' there have been times, hahaha!). i also understand that time is relative, so the karma due to him could happen 6 months, or 6 years from now. all i wish is that i knew he's going to get what he deserves...
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miracle29, do you really believe in the karma thing? please explain how you see it works - i have been hanging on by a thread hoping that my ex will get the karma he deserves for the totally unnecessary cruelty he exposed me to at the end of our r/shp. people are so quick to rubbish the concept of karma - like only fools believe etc and that my ex has got away with his inexcusable behaviour b/c hey, that's life (BTW these are not my thoughts)! i would love to think he's got it coming to him. i was told that cruelty never goes unpunished by the universe. do you believe this? i feel like if i KNEW that was the case, i'd feel TONNES better about everything. instead i feel i'm still clearing up the toxic mess he left me with, but he's got off scot-free
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Very good read, to all who are DUMPED, comments welcomed
lgirl replied to eddie500's topic in Breaking Up Advice
i WISH i had read this when my ex first dumped me. this describes exactly what i've been/am going through!!!!! what i don't get is why my ex was so unforgiveably and inexcusably cruel and callous. all he had to do was talk to me... -
confessoress, you are gaining weight b/c 1) you are not eating enough 2) you are eating the WRONG foods - LOSE the cereal, the rice biscuits and the wholemeal bread - these are refined carbs and full of sugar. your weight problem is a result (by the sound of things) of eating too many carbs - yr body can't break down all the insulin they produce and thereforeeee stores it as fat. you will be trapped in this vicious circle until you stop eating refined carbs. i have a lot of personal experience and knowledge about this, so pls take my word for it. all yr comfort eating has caused you to develop Syndrome X b/c you ate too many sugary and/or starchy foods. you may also have polycystic ovaries (PCOS) b/c of it, if you don't have it already. pls see yr doc to confirm. it took me YEARS to discover what was 'wrong' with me, so believe me when i tell you this works the GOOD news is this can be controlled - try the following: breakfast: stewed or fresh fruit + NATURAL (not flavoured) yogurt lunch: fish/chicken (protein of some kind) + lots of fresh salad/vegetables* dinner: tofu or lamb kebabs (have a protein-based dinner, again with lots of veg* etc) snacks: fruit and nuts (all types except cashew nuts) the 'rules': 1. do not control your portions - eat until you are full-up; this is not about calorie-counting or denying yrself food. it is about eating the RIGHT foods. once you make this change, you won't feel as hungry or as tempted by carbs, i promise. b/c carbs are full of starch they produce more sugar than yr bosy can cope with and actually promote hunger as a result. 2. make sure you eat some protein (fish/meat/eggs/tofu/cheese) at every meal 3 avoid all starchy foods (white flour; potatoes, rice, bread, pasta and *root vegetables - carrots, parsnips etc; any veg that grows under the ground) last but not least, start a regular fitness routine. it's good you already walk everywhere, but try speeding up your pace. don't worry about joining the gym - in the meantime gte busy with that skipping rope at least 3 times a week (build up to 30mins - i do 50 mins and it is fantastic for toning the body!!) and you will see results. hope all this helps - good luck!! it's easier than you think
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maplesyrup, sorry but it's no good saying we've been 'helping the crazy lady' when what we have been picking up on is how low this has brought you. you must take responsibility for what you tell people and you have painted a picture of a woman who is so low in self-esteem that she's too scared to talk to her partner about an issue that's bothering her b/c she's so grateful he has anything to do with her. that's what people have reacted to; you have put out a very negative picture of yourself in the process of outlining yr problem, and we have just been trying to help you past that, is all.
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thanks guys! dizziest hahaha, you are right about that - i will never forgive him. just finding it hard to accept and i don't know why. guess i can't get my head around how spectacularly it went wrong. it's not about the fact we broke up, just what and HOW he went about things; i could never have imagined how callous he is as a person. i got him so wrong. i know now he was a mistake and i need to learn from the mistake i made and move on. but it feels like i'm serving some kind of prison sentence to be honest. LotusFlower - i hear you! i think the i woulda reacted exactly the same as you. i lost so much respect for him, i know my anger would've affected things big time. but i also think some of that anger is actually anger towards myself too. it's like part of me now thinks he is such a FOOL, but not as big a fool as me for ever getting involved with him, ya know? yes, i have learned a lot, but i feel it's been too high a price to pay for what it was and i resent it...
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Derek - excellent post from a male perspective on porn!!!!
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but he's not helping you!! he's dragging you down by making you feel unneeded and excluded!! what kind of love is that? so what you've got Krohns etc, does that mean you only deserve the scrapings from the barrel? where is your pride? surely, it's better to be alone than have someone chipping away at yr confidence like that on a DAILY basis? i know it's not easy, but you will only get what you settle for. you say he's promised to help you, but that's no guarantee that he's actually going to stick around. then what? it is not "naive" to "cause problems over this" as you say. if it wasn't a problem or wasn't bothering you, you would never have posted here to start with. you do NOT have to accept how things are. you are choosing to. big difference. if you can't face taking action now, then at least try to work on your low self-esteem, so that you can build up some confidence to get the results you want from this situation. in the meantime, how about disconnecting the computer?
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why not? your bf has a serious problem that is seriously affecting you - ,just reading your post saddens me, i can feel your 'light' has gone out over this. you have to find a way to put yourself first or you will live to regret it, truly. don't sell yourself short. no one's worth it.
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he's obviously addicted and he is putting porn before you and what you want or your needs. frankly, if you've had to tell him more than a coupla times, you should forget it. he's not listening and isn't interested in listening to you. that's what you should be bothered about - it's like he has no regard for you (or respect for women, but that's another issue). actions speak louder than words. i would be very disturbed if my bf went to look at porn 30 mins AFTER making love to me. it would be the last time that's for sure. the fact you are literally begging him to be involved and do it with you and he still shuts you out speaks volumes. how long are you prepared to put up with his rejecting behaviour before you realise you deserve to be treated WAY better? you say you're cool with it but it's obviously damaging your self-esteem which is not good. you are so frightened of losing him that you are compromising yourself (which he doesn't respect). you should find a guy who is only interested in you - not in one-dimensional, degrading images of OTHER women. you are trying far to hard to satisfy a man who doesn't have your best interests at heart. he can't care about you that much if that's how he treats you.
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hey NJRon, thanks for clarifying what you said. HOW? yes, you are absolutely right, i do care about what he thinks of me and i don't know how to undo that. how do i unravel myself, unattach myself from him, from that. no, i didn't want him to hurt me and i didn't ever think he could be so callous and cruel. it's one thing to split up, quite another to be needlessly vicious and cruel... apathy is what has stopped me getting on with my life, is what has kept me feeling like roadkill, so apathetic unable to get back up and fight back. how does apathy help? it's making me suicidal. again, i ask HOW do you get to that realisation. i cannot separate out the hurt and those few moments when i do i realise what a piecve of sh** he must be to have acted like that, which just fills me with bitterbness and hurt and the whole cycle starts up again that's a good suggestion, tho' how when as far as i'm concerned he's entirely to blame for this whole toxic mess? but HE created these expectations by telling me he would do certain stuff for me, by telling me all kinds of things to make me believe he was good, wanted to marry me, have children, the works. i was no pushover in this respect and he went all out to prove how genuine he was. tghe expectations i have he made, so where does that leave me? why wouldn't i expect someone to fulfill expectations HE said he would carry out; bottom line - i wouldn't have had any expectations if he hadn't made me believe them. also, if you are in a r/shp i don't think it's too much to expect that person is faithful to you (especially one who declares himself to be a one-woman man!) or that they reciprocate their feelings otherwise what is the point? i better stop here. i am just getting more upset and feeling sicker in my heart. thanks for trying to explain. i'm sure you're right, i just don't see HOW to apply it to my situation, sorry
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NJROn, yes, i appreciate that the rage i feel is holding me back, but i have tried everything and i am still so angry. so how do you get rid of the anger? you talk about letting it go, but what is that? HOW? i commend you on your attitude, but it sounds a million miles from where i am or will ever be. my ex did NOT make the best decision - he allowed himself to end up in a situation he could have avoided. it was his anger towards me that led him there; he betrayed me in the heat of that temper, which frankly he could have (SHOULD HAVE) controlled. he wasn't even interested in 'her' - she could have been anyone; it was a comfort thing and she was so desperate to get with him, she stoked his ego (to my detriment), wound him up about me, made me the bad guy... rather than being 'misguided', he lost himself, was lost when he did that to me (any act of betrayal means you have lost yrself), but i am finding myself thru it...but what a price i have had to pay and i resent it! i have never regretted something so much before - i wish i had never met him. anyhoo, i am still confused by yr advice - i understand about letting go of anger (the theory b/c i don't know how - simply wanting to doesn't seem to be enough. please tell me how), but forgiveness means "ceasing to blame another for their actions; pardoning their mistake". how does that square with what you say? i can never do that
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thanks kellbell, you're right it does sound CRAZY! i don't understand the forgiveness concept at all - i mean i forgive myself (just about!) for ever getting involved with him, but i have never understood what people are talking about when they say by forgiving the person who sh**s on you helps you to move on and heal. sounds to me like it's just accepting their BS. i hope i can forget in time what he did to me, but i will never forgive him! what he did to me was not only unforgiveable it was totally inexcusable, so there is no way i could ever forgive him - he doesn't deserve it. as for my boxing (sorry, it's not kick-boxing), i have been disappointed at how little it has helped me given all the punching i do! you'd think it would, huh? i want my coach to teach me how to beat up a man, in case i ever see my ex again (tho' my coach said he's not worth even glancing my knuckles for, haha), but i am determined to break his jaw if i ever see him again - he deserved a good beating at the time for the humiliation and cruelty he exposed me to, so he's got it coming... i have had the greatest problem reconciling who he is with who i thought he was - it has been a major mindfu** b/c he turned out to be the TOTAL opposite and there was no way i could ever have known. i still can't believe it, to be honest. it was the worst shock of my life - i walked around like i had severe concussion for almost 2 months after it all went sour; i was so confused and befuddled b/c his behaviour just did not match up with who he had been up to that point... this is what has been preoccupying me for the last 10 months and i still struggle to fully comprehend that is who he is - treacherous, sadistic, sleazy, passive-aggressive, vicious, weak... PS what friend are you talking about???? 'she' was NOT my friend, she was his (i don't even know her)!!!!!!!!!!!! anyhoo, thanks for your suggestions kellbell. i just want it to stop, but nothing seems to work. it's really upsetting me and making me feel suicidal b/c everything everyone suggests and seems to work for the people on this forum, doesn't work for me and i can't take this depression any more