lgirl
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thanks guys, but i wrote this in desperation AFTER trying so many different ways to forget (the only thing i can think of now is to OD, at least get a rest from this sickness. i am only half joking). kellbell, i already do boxing training (have my own gloves and everything!!) and have plenty of opps to punch the pads imagining his (and 'her') face, plenty of these ugly feelings have already spilled out. i can't stand that it is taking this long; i am losing hope with every day that passes and i feel too damaged to ever get close to a guy again (i had issues with trust before him, now it's so much worse). i dread it now, yet i can't live the rest of my life feeling so miserable and alone. i really thought he was the best guy, really decent and trustworthy, so different to any other, and i was SO wrong. i still find it hard to see he's a 'dud' as you say b/c he was only like that at the end hgow could something (someone) so right turn out SO badly wrong. i just can't stand this
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well, i have posted here before several times and i am now reaching the end of my tether 10 months on and i can't get past the fact my ex betrayed me. i'm okay for a day or two, but it keeps coming back, images of him with 'her' (a so-called friend who he told me i would laugh at if i ever saw her b/c she's so fat, apparently). i know it was a mistake (he told me it should never have happened) and i'm sure he's probably embarrassed by it now (a 'moment of madness' he called it) and i know it wasn't anyhtin approaching what he had with me; it wasn't even lust on his part (just looking for comfort)... so why is it still haunting me? i want to stab her to death (and every fat woman like her that i see in the street), and then kill him; really hurt him!! how bad is that? it's like the anger never leaves me and time has only served to make me recall every last detail of how it must have happened, all the sordid details. he made the situation worse after his awful admission by hanging out at hers even tho' he said it was a dump and didn't feel comfortable there + was having to fend her off (she was very keen and doing all the work to get him); he told me he'd play computer games with her kid and then she'd ask him to stay, but he'd leave (all this to avoid being at home with his jehovah's witness mother on at him to get a job. BTW he is 33). told me she was "too close to home", which is why he couldn't just cut contact with her. treated me like some shameful bit on the side to be got rid of and i was his fiancée!!!! why is this still tearing me apart? sorry for the long post folks!
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Litoosh743, thanks for that - i want to break free of the 'prison' - can't believe it's happened either good for you you've reached that point. i just hate how it's got under my skin. i keep trying to get me back, but each time i could be focusing on myself i end up back on the hamster wheel with negative thoughts; feels like something got knocked out of me. even now i feel like i'm standing by the side of the road watching it all. i have always been able to cut off, make a clean break in the past. feels liek i can't shake it... LostBoy - yeah, we're twins!! did that make you smile?
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hey lostboy, are we twins or something? haha. what's killing me is the fact it's still dragging on, still making me miserable. i can honestly say that i have thought about my ex every day(mostly involuntarily i shld add - don't want these thoughts!!) since he destroyed things last April(!!). how many days is that? it makes me feel sick, but worse, pathetic thaty i haven't just picked myself up and dusted myself down and thought f**k him! i hate it, especially as i can't help but think he hasn't been thinking about me all this time (not that i'll ever know). i really feel i paid the price for him screwing up our r/shp and he's escaped scot-free... sadly, that's the big difference betw us. i feel like this bitter experience with my ex has knocked all hope out of me; feels like my 'light' has gone out, which has triggered the deep depression i'm stuck in now what really troubles me is i have no fighting spirit, can't seem to find it, to get out of this... anyhoo, good for you that you still have hope. i think if i was 10 years younger i wouldn't feel so bad (how awful is that?!)
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people are humans first and foremost; the colour of your skin should be no more important than the colour of your eyes. it is a crying shame there is so much ignorance and hate in this world
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thanks guys - but i have already been keeping a journal (it's now about 5 volumes long!!), writing in it every day since the break-up, which depresses the hell out of me, especially as i know the ex isn't trying to work it all out in his 'journal'! it makes me feel so sad and pathetic, to be honest, even tho' i have felt compelled at times to write (SO many pages, what a joke!)... bkjsun, i can't deny that it hasn't been helpful to a point - i've managed to work a few things out about myself. but unfortunately, i don't seem to have the right perspective to be able to see 'evidence of how wrong' my thinking is... i think i must in the grip of a serious depression b/c none of this is working and i feel like i'm getting worse not better, getting sadder and sadder and worn down by not making any progress. yesterday spent the day feeling so low and lonely it brought tears to my eyes as i travelled home from work it doesn't matter how much or little i distract myself, i keep coming back to this state of mind... i can have a really cheerful chat with a colleague or go and see a friend, but the minute i'm on my own again, i just feel wretched. i even went out clubbing last Sat pm with a new friend i've made. had a little dance for the first time in ages. had to to travel back on my own at 1am and when i got in i ended up calling my ex's home and cellphone, even tho' i had no intention of speaking to him (I hung up after just a coupla rings), i can't speak to him after the crap he put me thru. i don't know what to do anymore. it's now 9 months since he destroyed everything... sorry guys, but it's how i feel.
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thanks - but i just want them to STOP. i am so sick and tired of having them - i want to erase them not observe them
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thanks for your suggestions. i have tried all that (meeting new people, doing new things) and nothing's working. logic has deserted me - i know it's just 'his' opinion, but for some reason i can't shake it (this has never happened to me before; i don't recognise myself) i just wish i could find the OFF switch in my head...
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becallamjr, no i'm not with anyone right now - haven't been since my ex betrayed me. i really need that kind of distraction right now, someone to take my mind off him, but i feel too MESSED up to get close to a guy again i actually dread the idea! i can't face going thru any of that again - it's like i've developed an aversion to it r/shps don't last, so what's the point?
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i just feel a part of me died - my ex killed something in me b/c i don't see what there is to look forward to. i don't even feel like there's anything i like; just feel a terrible apathy when i think of my life now. i really want to be free of all this. wish there was a way to block the thoughts, forget about it all. even tho' i know i am better off without someone who could damage me like that, i feel each day that passes takes away a bit more of what little hope i have in things improving; i am being worn down by it. even having analysed it and worked out what went wrong and why he wasn't right for me, i'm still stuck!! logic doesn't help - why can't i move on from someone who was so nasty to me in the end? i have never been like this before - always been able to make a clean cut in the past. but this is so much worse, i can't find closure (made worse by the fact it was a long-distance r/shp). it's really screwing me up and making me feel suicidal at times!! i feel i lost my life somehow... there has to be a way out of this
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hey LostInMyThoughts that's EXACTLY how i'm feeling these days, so although i'm sorry to hear you feel like this, i'm glad as well b/c at least it makes me feel like i'm not the only one (family don't want to hear about it b/c it brings them down + i am too proud to tell friends...) - sorry! the bit that's really messing me up is that there's nothing i can think of that will ever make me happy. it's like my ex's betrayal and destruction of our r/shp has knocked something out of me, like my 'light' has gone out, even tho' in some ways i'm now better off without him. but logic appears to have deserted me. i can't find good reasons to go on living - the only thing stopping me is i'd hate for my ex to hear i'd killed myself!! am hanging on most days by a thread of self-pride, but that's it anyhoo, sorry for the long reply. just want you to know your post struck a chord with me. i really understand where you're at. wish i had the answer(s) to help you. let me know if ya stumble accross anything that helps - i could use some advice big time!!
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hi y'all, wonder if this has happened to anyone else. i was reading an article the other day that said people fail to move on after break-ups if their self-esteem is bound up in their ex's appraisal of them. this is my story!! this totally struck a chord with me, but i don't know how to unravel it, get it back. can anyone explain how this happens (or suggest any websites/further reading) - how does yr self-esteem get caught up with the other person and how do you get it back? it's 9 months on since the TRAUMATIC break-up with my ex and aside from various issues it's brought up, this is the major sticking point for me. i just want to be free now b/c i am just getting more and more depressed as time goes on, losing hope and feeling like any self-esteem i had is just draining away. why is it getting worse instead of better? i still spend most nights on some kind of mental hamster wheel going over it all, feeling so angry and sad. it's making me so tired and sick of heart - i have never felt so low in all my life how do i get 'me' back?
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you're welcome SadHatter tell me about it!! (shakes head) i thought my ex was SUCH a decent guy, the best. how wrong was i? the disappointment feels like grief. hang in there!
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SadHatter, it is HER loss. you can never say how things are going to turn out. right now that's your situation, but it is still early days. you don't know (and can't know) where you'll be or how you'll be feeling in even 6 months' time, so please don't hurt yourself more by thinking that way. i said it before and i know it is the hardest thing (i still find it hard to reconcile who my ex was, the inexcusable ways he behaved at the end with the guy i THOUGHT i knew in our r/shp), but you have to see that someone who could treat you the way she has doesn't deserve a place in your life. you deserve to be treated better. end of. actions speak louder than words and her actions have made it crystal clear that she's not considering you at all right now. is that the behaviour of a caring person, a loving person? why do you deserve less than that? your best bet is to try and maintain some dignity for the sake of your own pride and concentrate on getting through the emotional mess she's left you with. it is hard, but just remember if she is so shallow that she can 'move on' so fast, then you were not compatible in the 1st place. the best is yet to come for you, SadHatter b/c you deserve better than her.
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Sadhatter, just read yr post about the text she sent you and i have to say that was very heartless of her to say she had her bf to take care of her! that's really rubbing your face in it. that's just plain cruel in my eyes. i think you are wasting your time - she sounds incredibly immature and self-absorbed. your sweetness is lost on the desert air! that was a really noble reply you sent her- good for you. now wash your hands of her; you are selling yourself short by even wanting to maintain contact with her. i know it is very painful, and you just want it to be over and that having contact with her probably makes you feel better EVEN though she is the source of your pain. i understand that. but it's not down to if you ignore her, you won't hear from her. you re ALREADY not hearing from her b/c she is with her new bf!! that's your reality - she has no intention of doing anything caring for you b/c she doesn't care. she is too wrapped up in her own bs. no, she might not be a bad person, as you say, but why do you want to be involved with someone so messed up. it will only lead to more pain and hurt (and humiliation) for you. NOTHING you do will influence how she's going to treat you now. you can call her or not call her, it won't make a bit of difference to how she feels about you now. she has moved on. actions speak louder than words. you have to remember that. right now you are feeling too raw. so don't think about the future and if you'll hear from her. try and take it a day at a time and recognise that someone who loves and respects you truly would never treat you the way she has. that's not love my friend. so why settle for less than you deserve?
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SadHatter, my ex did something similar to me (except it was 2 days before he smashed up our r/shp!). i couldn't understand it at the time b/c it was with someone who he'd told me a year earlier if i ever saw her, i'd laugh (at her appearance), then he ended up sleeping with her!! now i know differently. so, if yr ex got with someone only 2 days after she left you, it means she's on the rebound. leave her alone and don't contact her. i'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but regardless of how upset she is about the bad news she's had, she made her bed now let her lie in it!! she has a new bf to help her get over it. chances are if the situation was reversed you wouldn't hear from her (you're getting info 2nd-hand from her sis? that's bad). if she misses you and wants to talk to you, she will. why are you bothering to care about her and/or show concern when she has made it clear what she thinks of you by her callous actions? put yourself first - you deserve someone who will treat you MUCH better than she did.
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i'd be more worried you can't think of what to get him after just 1 yr! LOL think about what he's like and what he likes and it should be easy!!
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one other thing: is she manic depressive (does she have bipolar disorder?). that would explain the sudden see-saw in her emotions... the other thing i forgot to say was you may have to face the fact you're not compatible and go your separate ways. love is not about pain or confusion or waiting for someone to realise they should be with you
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sorry to hear the pain you're in, but forget her!! she is making the most lame excuses (how hurtful!). she wants to better her r/shp with god? is she for real? leave her to it. i am not religious myself, but i know many people love their partner AND god at the same time. sounds like she's giving you the brush-off. (why do you want to be with someone who doesn't put you first anyway?). don't waste your time waiting for her. you will regret it in the end.
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thoughts, are you his mummy? he is making excuses like a little boy! it's total BS that if he tells her to back off and leave him alone that it will give her hope!! if he values his r/shp with you, he'll do WHATEVER it takes to give you peace of mind and sort this situation out once and for all. the fact he's not dealing with this MANFULLY and protecting you from his ugly past is a bad sign!! i am very worried about what you say - sounds like you are setting yourself up for a fall! and you still don't think he's going to do the same to you?? girlfriend, wake up!! if he can can do that to her, he will do it to you. and why would you want to be with a man who treats another woman like that? just b/c you've put a deposit down on an appt isn't going to protect you - in fact, it will make yr situation worse. he's looking for someone to rescue him (like a child), making you the caretaker. so you think! don't be naive. you don't 'grow' from lying and coming clean! he 'appears' to come clean now, but that won't be the case another 6 months down the line. why get with someone you know who lies? where is the trust? boo-hoo, isn't that convenient? meanwhile the situation just deteriorates. he is refusing to take responsibility for his crap, leaving you to clean it up. that's what he told you!! why are you working SO hard to keep this man? he sounds like he's only with you to boost his status; it is what you represent to him that interests him, not you the person. and you are exceptionally naive if you don't realise that ethnicity, religion and economic status are very strong ties that bind. what are you a charity? why don't you go get yourself someone who doesn't have all this baggage? how long is it going to take him to reach the stars - are you prepared for years to pass Thoughts, i was in a very similar situation to you (except the exgf and lying bit) - i was everything he aspired to; the life he could have with me was so different to hs background etc; all the things yr guy's telling you. and you know what? deep down he didn't believe he deserved me and ended up self-sabotaging on such a massive degree he sunk our r/shp in the most destructive manner. oh and he also betrayed me with a girl from his neighbourhood (same ethnicity, religion and economic status as him!!). you should consider whether you have low-self esteem issues influencing your decision to be with him... and take off those rose-tinted glasses before you end up in a worse position than the exgf!!
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cheating is cheating is cheating!!!!! since when is cheating only ever JUST 'physical'? c'mon, don't be so naive. just b/c it is with a woman doesn't make it less dishonest or less traumatic (if she leaves you for her - which she may very well do). it is still BETRAYAL and she is betraying you (and lying) - you have no idea what she's telling the ex, only what she wants you to know. big difference. why would you put up with that kind of behaviour? she's playing you both off - waiting to see how SHE feels before she chooses. she is making a fool of you. this is a very bad sign for your r/shp. what about what you want?
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it is NOT your place to deal with his ex - is she your ex? no! then leave it to him to take care of things - i think it says a LOT about him that he has left you to deal with it and is not taling ANY responsibility for the situation he is exposing YOU to. (that's not good in case you didn't already realise). he is letting you down big time, if only you could see it. leave his ex alone. it is for him and HIM ONLY to deal with. ask him what HE is going to do about her. refuse to see him until he gets it sorted. it is inexcusable that you should be clearing up his mess like this. he is playing you both off and probably laughing at how stupid some women are! PS writing that note to her will only make her laugh at you - do you want to give her the satisfaction? (you are humiliating yourself)
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hey gratefulpain, sorry to hear you feel so bad - it is still early days and you'll probably feel that way for a while, so hang on in there. 1) it hasn't happened yet, so don't presume she will come looking for you 2) you don't have to answer the door to her - are you scared of her? 3) so what if she flips out, put the phone down or don't answer it/leave yr ansafone on 4) sounds from her reaction you did something pretty hurtful - people don't normally react that way for no reason you sound frightened of her or looking for problems when they haven't happened (yet). if you genuinely find her threatening and abusive, call the police!! sorry, but i don't think acting in/from fear will get you anywhere. it's up to you how you react - if you know what she's like, then you can be ready and avoid her BS. in the meantime, try & concentrate on yourself for now PS what's up with calling yourself 'grateful pain' - are you into pain or something? (that would explain your post...)
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we can't ALL have misread yr post! kindly show some consideration towards those more SENSITIVE than yourself, then. you said her friend got beaten up. read your own words: is that funny? i don't see what there is to laugh about that. what a shame your bitterness and hostility has ruined what could have been an entertaining post.
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pete137, I am very sure you don't know 97% of the female population in the world, much less had a r/shp with all of them, so pls don't talk as though you do!! what's with the Feminazis? that's just a TAD hostile! not to mention what you said about yr friend's ex being beaten up. why so passive-aggressive? other MEN have posted here to tell you your comments are unacceptable. keep your woman hating to yourself - this is a positive, supportive site where we all help each other regardless of gender - not one where people take pot shots at the opposite sex. your negative attitude achieves nothing