First I want to comment on a lot of the other posts here. You know what? If you are sitting here writing a post talking about "I am thinking of commiting suicide", you need help but not because you are actually going to do it. You are just looking for someone to respond to you.
I have tried commiting suicide many times before, but I wanted it as painless and non-mutilating as possible. Tried cutting my wrists, but that hurt too much and now I have a scar. Tried hanging myself. Tied a rope around a bar and attempted to sit down with the rope short enough so that my butt couldn't touch the floor. Saw everything blackening out and thought it was a sure thing. Woke up gasping and scared and laid on the floor crying. I've tried running my car in the garage twice. Both times I ended up with a real bad headache and couldn't fall asleep. It was hard to breathe. There wasn't even enough oxygen to light my lighter. Last night I picked up a bottle of sleeping pills and a bottle of whiskey. I know just sleeping pills wouldn't work because I have tried that before also. Granted, I was so out of it. But that didn't do the trick either. I can't talk to anyone either because it would ruin my job. It has before because when I went to the doctor complaining of excruciating pain in my stomach, he didn't believe my excuse. The real reason was because I took a bunch of pills. I was told after about 4 counseling sessions that I was fine and if I tried it again, they would kick me out of the military. You know, I even tried calling one of the numbers listed in this forum tonight. It took me three times of calling and hanging up before I decided to actually talk to some one. When I did talk to someone, she told me I should call another hotline as that was the "CRISIS" hotline and said good luck. Needless to say I won't call that number. Eventually someday I will be able to do it right. I said a long time ago that I would be dead by the time I was 25, so I guess I have 6 months to figure out the right way. So much has gone wrong with my life and eventually it will all be better.
If you are going to respond, please no religious stuff. I don't believe in religion and never have. But I guess I can blame that on my dad getting hit by a drunk driver when I was 8 and losing my best friend because he got a pear stuck in his throat the same year while sitting next to me. And please don't write that I should see someone or call someone because I CAN'T see anyone and I definitely am not going to try calling again. This wasn't a cry for help because I don't want it. I think it was just a way for me to put down in words a little about me that no one I know will ever find out.
