lgirl

hey newby - i'm sorry you've felt you're intruding reading my threads with blue boy. they're not meant to be exclusive, so i'm glad you've joined in the conversation! well done for surviving xmas!! oh, the not calling them thing - apart from trying to preserve what little pride you have left after being so cruelly blindsided!! - it is to spare yrself further hurt from them. you have to weigh it up like that: will you get more hurt by calling or not calling? your experience sounds so similar to mine - my ex changed so much (literally overnight), i seriously thought he'd had some kind of breakdown; i didn't even recognise his voice anymore. he was SO cold and i couldn't understand why (still don't, really). this was the same man who only a month before he killed everything betw us, had been gushing about how he wanted to make my birthday in march the best ever, how he couldn't wait to see me to show me how much he loved me to my face, that it meant so much to him that we had come so far together (i am pretty much quoting him here). and who, even i saw him in march when things weren't going so well, still slept on the floor waiting for my call to say i'd got home okay... needless to say when he sprung all his bs on me the confusion was horrendous. it was so profound i felt like i had concussion; i can only liken it to being in a car crash he must have known what he did; he must have heard my hurt and bewilderment. i can't believe he doesn't feel bad for what how he treated me - the love of his life (teh!!) - but i'll never know. i still can't reconcile the sweet, loving man i (thought) i knew with the treacherous backstreet boy he morphed into. like your ex, his behaviour was inexcusable and remains unforgiveable. yet here i am stuck betw wanting to hurt him and hoping he'll call me to apologise, 8 months on... one thing i wished i'd done, but couldn't b/c of the distance that separates us, and that i advise you to do (if you get the chance), is to give him a big slap around the face!! even though he's not worth the bother, i think you'll feel better for it. you definitely need to find a way to express your anger towards him - he deserves to be faced with it - especially after 20 years of marriage. does he think he can just walk away with nothing said or done? i'm glad i inspired you with my xmas plans i think it's great you're planning your holiday with your daughters already. that will be his loss! which cities in europe are you thinking about? thanks for your good wishes, but i'm afraid i'm not feeling too good about the new year. i hate all those "it has made you stronger and wiser" platitudes, to be honest. perverse as it sounds, i just want what i had back, so that it can play out the way i wanted it to. i feel any hope i had for my future has been wiped out by this bitter experience and i am moving forwards only b/c i have to, not b/c i want to. needless to say, it's put me right off r/shps!! i thought i'd be ending this year with a proposal of marriage (as he'd led me to believe), that i'd be at least half-way to living in NY with him; i didn't have a Plan B ready if the r/shp failed, so now i feel like i'm in no-man's land - i can't go back and i can't see forwards and i don't like being 'here'. this is not where i thought i'd end up or where i'm 'supposed' to be. and i'm still so angry about what happened. great isn't it? (sheesh) anyhoo, you sound in a better place, considering. what are your plans for the new year? [sorry for the long post!]

hey blue boy, well, i'm glad you think i'm 'with it', but i can assure you that's not the case!! it's always easier to give advice than take it. IF only i could take my own advice... anyhoo, i totally understand how you're feeling. that's how i felt/feel about my ex - pure revenge and the desire to show everyone what he's really like, especially those he sniped about behind their backs. i was out of my mind feeling he's got away with what he did and is still walking around having escaped all censure for his inexcusable behaviour. a coupla things i did to right that 'wrong': i "accessed" his cell phone (from 3,500 miles away - hahahahaha. where there's a will, there's a way!!) and called the 'mistake' he betrayed me with. i called her 'woman to woman' and told her exactly what he'd said about her - verbatim!! i even told her to look him in the eye and repeat what i'd told her, especially the word 'barrel' (that's what he'd called her). i basically told her 3-4 very hurtful things he'd said about her - word for word, including how he'd told me she had been a mistake - then i cut it short and told her 'believe it or not, those are 3-4 of the least hurtful things he's said about you, but i haven't called you up to hurt you. i just think you should know". i told her that there was no way i could be with someone who was using a woman as blatantly as he was using her, and as a final parting shot i told her not to give him any money (he'd told me she was trying to buy him)... i considered facing his mother with the truth about him, but decided i wouldn't get very far. i also called his sister-in-law - who is an old friend of mine - and poisoned the ground for him there, simply by repeating all the things he'd said about her and his brother (who i might still fill in personally one day), and hinted there was other really bad stuff he'd said, which if she knew she'd never spk to my ex again (he told me her husband's cheated on her - she doesn't know). my ex has apparently kept a low profile with them since... he has also blocked me as sender on his hotmail (but i got around that! haha). i have also done other 'small' stuff to inconvenience him, but i hunger for a more direct, satisfying revenge. i do a bit of (amateur) boxing and his face is the target on the pads more often than not, but it's not enough!! i felt so misrepresented and unable to defend myself at the time that i really want him to be taught a lesson - if a) i was in the same country as him and b) had a brother, i would have already had him beaten up for what he did. it's no less than he deserves; i want to teach him a lesson that you can't f*** people over like that and get away with it!!! i know it's not good to feel this way (b/c it's negative energy that's only comes back on me), but there ya go... then write her a letter!! get it all down, revise it until you've got all the points you want to make, in a concise manner - be frank, don't hold back, then let her have it!! mail it to her when you are satisfied it says everything you want it to - no matter how baldly you have expressed yourself. i started my letter to my ex by saying that "it has now been almost a month since you so spectacularly derailed our r/shp and these last few weeks have all been about you. now it's time for me to set the record straight... it is with great sadness i realise..." etc etc. this will at least free up some space in your mind that's not obsessing over all the things you would say to her if you got the chance. it's a crying shame (literally) that it should come to this - that the image you have of the person you love(d) should become so tarnished (by their OWN actions) - but come to this it has. i think part of your anger (like mine) is knowing that we were the stronger one in the r/shp, thereforeeee we should have ended things. it wasn't supposed to end up with them taking all the control and leaving us with a toxic mess to clear up, was it? (wry smile) anyhoo, keep whacking the tennis ball with her face on it!! something a friend said to me that helped: my ex is lost (he lost himself through what he's done), but through all this i am finding myself. he is lost, but i am found... it's the same for you

Liquidius, the thing is i still don't get how he could turn to someone who he claimed physically offended him...

hey liquidus, thanks for saying you think i'm doing really well. i hate that i have this bs to be getting over in the first place, to be honest it hasn't even occurred to me that if he ends up regretting what he did, i'd know about it. i mean he told me at the time 'it' was a mistake and that 'it should never have happened'. he got with her when he was feeling so angry etc (!!). it was not a love or lust match - that i do know. he used to laugh at her physical appearance, so i can only hope he's disgusted with himself now... anyhooooo, what makes you say that? is it from your own experience? PS how are things with yr ex - where are you at with him? doesn't having so much contact with him make things difficult (confusing)?

hey blue boy - well done! you're still breathing how was the golf? did ya call/txt yr ex? i had a good time at the hotel - even got a swim in (had the pool to myself!) i did feel a bit weird at first (kinda brought up memories of the ex, though i consoled myself with the fact that he isn't spending xmas in a nice hotel + he doesn't swim, so i prob wouldn't have used the pool if we had been there together - in a parallel universe obviously!), but the time went faster than i thought and i only got to sleep in on the Day itself. i'm really glad i did that for myself. i think it has done me some good, slowly getting healed (god, i hate that term, hate the fact ANY healing has to be done even, ya know?! and as for people who say how you learn so much, grow from bad experiences like these, i say i was doing fine before, thank you very much! where's all this learning getting me? PS have you noticed how stupid people are always happy? i think that's the way to go. haha). anyhoo, when i was on my way to the hotel, i thought of a coupla things i wanted to say in my last messg to ya (am not sure if you've seen it) that i missed out b/c i was in such a hurry. first off, i wanted to tell you the anger you've been feeling that she won't even wish you a merry xmas, i totally relate to. it's like how dare she cut you off when it should've been the other way around, right? after everything you did for her? wanna know how messed up i am over being 'rejected'? i get sudden impulses to call my ex even tho' i don't actually want to speak to him and know that if anyone should be doing some calling, it should be him with a big apology!! sometimes i want to call and just verbally abuse him, other times, i don't know why... i have fewer impulses to 'call' him these days, tho' i still get them, but in the first few months after the smash-up i 'called' him a coupla times, then hung up. at the time it was almost as tho' i hoped to provoke him into calling me (b/c of course i CAN'T call him; he owes me an apology). even tho' i know i told him in my letter not to call me, i somehow hoped he would. but that's the crux of the matter: he wasn't the man i thought he was. he wan't man enough. and he has cut me off when it should've been the other way around!! (GAH) maybe they cut us off b/c they can't face the repercussions of their behaviour and they know they'll be faced with it through us; they don't want to take responsibility for their actions and so it's easier to avoid it by cutting us off? i think deep down they're immature and scared to face up to stuff... i wish i could advise you about what to do with the rage, but i'm still working on it myself. the only thing i can say is try to ride it out; acknowledge it (don't bury it) and try and channel that energy through some sport to keep the worst of it at bay. i know that sounds trite, but give it a go. i am still waiting for it to pass though that said, i think in your case, as so much of how you're feeling has largely gone unexpressed, it might do you good to confront her with your anger in some way - be that verbally or in a letter, and i don't mean insults, just how you feel. one of the things i told my ex, to give you an example, is that all he had to do was talk to me, yet he 'botched it in the most sadistic manner'. that spoke volumes. you have every right to express your disappointment in her. it's up to you how you decide to do it. so if that wasn't enough, now we just have New Year's Eve to get through, ho ho ho (ho-llow laugh)...

hey blue boy, creative writing class? FYI i AM a published author!! HAHA - JOKE!!! sorry, couldn't help messing with ya there. ithank you for your charming compliment! what you having to drinK? okay, am sending this in a big hurry. i totally appreciate where you're coming from, but i think youneed toremind youof some cold hard facts: 1) she has a drink problem 2) she has cheated on you (HOW can youforgive that? she will doit again, so what kind of basiss for a r/shp is that? 3) she fails to take responsibility for her actions and uses hysteria and tears to get her way 4) she does not treat you with any respect 5) she has treated you badly and shown scant regard for your feelings 6) she is selfish and cold okay,there's 6 to be getting on with!! i bet you can add plenty more. keep looking at that list. so why not dare to imagine you can do better, deserve better? you must turn your back on her b/c she isn't worthy of your feelings: she has shown that quite clearly with her hurtful behaviour. out yourself first (something i'm only just realising i must do). furthermore, she does NOT hold all the cards. you are giving her more power than she actually has. oh, before i forget i wanted to pass this website address on to you. it's about the different controllingbehaviours that we use in r/shps - quite an eye-opener! i have found it extremely instructive. the reason i'm suggesting you take a look is b/c being an 'enabler' (rescuer) is actually a form of controlling another person. check it out - think you'll find the 'caretaker' section interesting. let me know what you think... here's the site: (i came accross it quite by chance and it's one of the best i've ever read. also has interesting exercise to do to work through it all). i will try and pull a cracker for you blue boy! i'm just on my way to buy some schnacks for my hotel room (so i don't totally starve!! hur hur) and then go and check in. and before i finish: DO NOTHING ON CHRISTMAS DAY!! THAT'S RIGHT - DO NOT CALL OR TEXT OR TRY TO CONTACT YOUR EX!!!! it is a question of pride as well. i know you will feel enraged she's not contacting you, which is why either writing her a letter and sending it would be good. but as for the day itself, i think you shld ignore her. otherwise you just risk another slao in the face. so don't give her the chance to hurt you again. you owe her nothing. if youfeel contempt for her, then feel it!! she DESERVES it for the way she's treated you. why are you trying to be the good guy? that smacks of passive-aggression, my friend and that ain't good. don't bury those feelings. if that's how you feel, that's how you feel. own them.maybe she deserves to hear some angry words? okay, i could go on, but i gotta fly! i hope you read this before the Day itself. get yourself out of the house and have a good, long game of golf. the sooner you see you are 'wasting your sweetness on the desert air' (as my ma says to me) the better.

hahaha, blue boy, you got me smiling again - thank you! - especially about so many of us being in the same boat (oh Titanic!). lol yeah, funny in a i-must-kill-him-now way!! i can only hope not can i ask what you got out of it? i'm assuming you've read up on 'rescuer' tendencies etc? it sounds like the r/shp was not one of equals. i have to say when i read threads like this it makes me wonder how come so many of you guys (men) put up with behaviour like that/how come these women get to be so totally out of control and screw up and their bf still wants them? all i know is the coupla times i let PMS get the better of me or was a bit impatient about something that was it, r/shp over!! would i fare better if i was an addict of some sort i wonder? (laughs cynically) anyhoo, the point i'm trying to make is that i think you've been hiding behind the rescuer's mantle and i'm trying to understand what motivates you (in an effort to prompt you to think about it...). i know how you feel, but you have to fight fire with fire or walk away. she obviously doesn't care about embarrassing you. blue boy, you are not the bad guy! your ex has problems and being immature is just one of them! there's a price to pay for everything and she will pay the price for playing the victim. oh, PS her in tears at work? pure drama and attention-seeking. (how old is she out of interest?) she knows she's in the wrong, which is why she's trying to twist it and look like the victim. a discerning person won't be taken in and surely discerning people are all you've got time for these days? thanks again for your kind words! haha, i didn't know it was a promise! am steering well clear of the drinks bar - alcohol is not my poison, haha! enjoy your nibbles! Xmas? it's just another weekend innit?

hey blue boy, you make me smile!! listen first off, i'm sorry to hear you're still in shock about the verbal attack you endured the other night (and PS well done for sending her that text!!). she can only 'play' you if you allow her to. what i mean is if you really focus on the fact that she's just a sad alcoholic, then that might give you some distance - the sort of person she is means she would treat any guy the same way. it's not like she is capable of a mature love and just chose to act badly with you b/c it's you. you could be anyone, that's how she is. do you see what i mean? okay, that's not going to make you feel tonnes better (how sad something that starts out so good should degenerate so badly, right? even the memories of them are tarnished by having to acknowledge they're a loser.tell me about it!!), but it will allow you to see it as her failing. in a way it's not personal - she's got problems and she'll lay them on whoever gets close to her. it's not a reflection of your worth as a person. secondly, she will not gain from whitewashing herself. you know the truth and you can put that truth out there if you so choose. you can certainly text her to say you'd appreciate it if her sad little friends left you alone. it's up to you. i know how frustrated you must feel now, but you can either fight back or decide she's not worth it. (In the meantime write it all down as corrosively as you feel, as you might have to send her a letter to get it out of yr system. just an idea...). oh, and PS if your new contacts are shunning you b/c of the verbal attack, then they're not worth knowing!! i'm sure they're not shunning you - it's how you're perceiving things (it's easy to get paranoid in these situations!). god i KNOW how you feel!! at times i've practically wished for a lobotomy just to get my b****** ex out of my mind, ditch all the toxic thoughts. i have felt sick from it, like it's a disease taking over and then sad and worn down by their persistent presense. thinking how come i'm thinking about someone who treated me so badly - what's wrong with me? why can't i just find the OFF switch in my mind? ad infinitum... i'm afraid i can't tell you how to forget her - i'm working on it myself! i want to extinguish every last memory of my ex, expunge my mind of every last trace of him. wipe him out. the only thing that 'works' has been changing my perspective: seeing him for the loser he is (hard b/c i previously thought he was great - even bought him Mr Perfect pjs - gaahh!) and trying to gain emotional distance, so that he recedes in my mind. but i look forward to the day when i don't think about him at all!! hey, if you feel like applying for a new job, go for it!!! hahaha, there's nothing *wrong* with London boys. but i want a nice american boy (or man, i should say as i'm thru with boys!! hahaha)!!! frankly after what i've been thru i'm not interested in meeting somebody, tho' it's a nice thought. at first i wanted to replace my ex (had never felt like that before), but he did such a job on me, i don't feel up to dealing with anyone on an emotional level these days. the whole experience has confirmed my (original) fears that trusting someone with your feelings is not worth the pain involved. but i know i can't live my life that way. it has made me feel suicidal at times, to be honest b/c i can't see a future... anyhoooooo, i will try to 'enjoy' myself on the dreaded day itself. are you serious about me sending you the bill? hahaha. that's a really generous gesture. and that's the last we 'hear' of blue boy!! hahahaha - JOKE!! enjoy your golf!! i am very pleased to 'hear' you're getting away from it all. yule have a great time (sorry - couldn't resist getting that crappy pun in! haha). TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF and let me know how it goes

hi Liquidius - good for you you're not angry, i'm FURIOUS at the way my ex treated me (a lot of unnecessary cruelty and taking advantage of my state of mind, which was so confused when he started laying all his sh*t on me). as far as i'm concerned i hope he reaps what he has sown. all he had to do was talk to me, but he botched it in the most sadistic manner. so no we are not on speaking terms, not in the slightest. i haven't heard from him since May. (even if he had contacted me i wouldn't be friends with him - i never keep exes as friends - and he certainly doesn't deserve my friendship.) i take it you're not talking to your ex?

hahahaha, blue boy! you'll pay for the hotel? now that has put a SMILE on my face!! thank you so much for your kind sentiments, it's really good to 'hear' stuff like that. i want you to have a good time too - so what are you planning to do? (no solitary wearing of xmas hats, okay?). [oh, side note: london and New York could've worked IF my ex had been a man and not a boy... sadly, i don't want to 'marry my own'... also wanted to say, don't be too hard on yourself about feeling catatonic at the party. at least you went. one step at a time, okay? wow!! 0.0 at the very least that must make you 'glad' you're no longer with her - she sounds totally out of control and lies are definitely a no-no. the only way to deal with it is to turn your back on her - unless you want to confront her, face her with her lies? (an option) but maybe it's better you don't lower yourself to her level. you KNOW the truth and you need to stick to it. i think she's badmouthing you b/c she feels bad about what she's done and she's just projecting it on to you (pretty transparent if you ask me!). she obviously feels very guilty and can't handle it, so she is trying to 'whitewash' herself. it's just another tactic to avoid taking responsibility for her own actions. people with a victim mentality like her (and my ex) ALWAYS blame others for their own failings! don't let her play you like this.

andy stone - i think you're seeing what you want to see: that is BLATANTLY untrue!!! - certainly in my experience + i have read MORE posts on this forum about people's exes (male) claiming they fell out of love with their partner than i have read women doing the same to their exes. so i think it's only fair to say that NEITHER gender has a monopoly on using that phrase (though i personally err towards saying it's more of a guy thing...). anyhoo, as far as trusting someone when they say they love you, i have wondered the same thing myself (following my bitter break up with an ex who told me he loved me more than life itself!), and all i can think now (sadly) is that you should take it with a pinch of salt. they love you at the time they say they love you, but (sadly again!) it seems it's not something you can take for granted... the depressing thing is you can never be sure how long their love will last, no matter how brightly it burns to begin with

hey blue boy - hope you enjoyed the fajitas! i've booked the hotel and it's 5* (of course!!). i have to tell you that although i wrote that ego-stripping letter to my ex (and yes he's literate - very, which just adds to the mindf**k) it did NOT help and hasn't helped in my *recovery* - what's that?? the only reason i haven't "boxed his ears" (hahaha) is b/c it was a long-distance r/shp (i'm in london/he's in NY), but i have come very close to catching a flight out there and tracking him down. oh yes!! the only thing that's stopped me is my pride and the fear of coming off like some kind of mad stalker woman... (gak). i have vented a lot since he smashed it all up, but it doesn't seem to help. i still feel the same - sometimes wonder if i've made ANY *progress* and i have to conclude that i haven't really, if progress means being over a person.. it's a shame you don't believe in karma - that's the ONLY thing that's got me through this nightmare, so it's hard to read you think it's clutching at straws. i want to believe that cruelty doesn't go unpunished and that what goes around comes around, that he will pay for what he did to me at the very least b/c he is such a loser he'll screw up by his own actions. here's hoping!! so what are you going to do instead? the reason i booked myself a hotel is to take myself out of familiar surroundings, to do something different in the hopes that it will lessen (or at least not set off) the low i know is waiting for me. the worst thing i could do is stay home, feeling miserable and wondering if i'll ever hear from him and get the apology i'm owed (it being christmas and all, gah!!)... you've got to do something for yourself - something nice, whatever that is. why should you suffer more b/c of her. try and salvage something for yourself, even if it's just renting a funny dvd and getting in some of yr favourite snacks. anything. go for a run on the day. go to the cinema. the hotel has a swimming pool and if i want i can have a swim on xmas day i've never done that before and i know he won't be staying in a 5* hotel, so just those 2 things already act as a boost to morale (and god knows i need as many boosts as i can get!) i'm not saying the above is ideal, but my point is don't just accept your change of circumstances passively. do something, okay? and keep reminding yourself you are SO much better off without that rude, self-absorbed alcoholic - she deserves your contempt. PS perseverance rules while i accept that is probably true i have to say that b/c of what happened with my ex and the damage he did, it only confirmed for me that r/shps are not worth the pain involved and i don't plan on ever trusting a man again, much less letting him into my heart. i got too badly burned to make that mistake again!!

hi blue boy, hahaha, don't worry about scoffing (anything nice?). was just doing some work (!!), so sorry for slightly delayed reply. glad to hear we're on the same page... okay, now i understand and i think you're right if there's no animosity that the dumper shld wish their ex a good xmas. but that said, who wants to hear that really? surely it's going to make you think yr ex (the dumper) is acting a tad smug? just a thought... i know what you mean about all the sound advice - actually it makes me feel worse most of the time!!! i think you should give your ex a piece of your mind if that's how you feel. i wrote my ex a very angry letter (an upper-cut in every line) b/c i felt so powerless in the face of his cruel betrayal of me and had actually been struck mute with shock when the worst of it was kicking off. couldn't defend myself, couldn't nothing - let alone believe my ears at the way he twisted and distorted everything to turn it around on me (sheesh). it was like i had severe concussion, really awful. so writing my letter was my way of getting my voice back. it's a total contradiction to what most people on this site would say, ie write all your feelings down but don't send it. i say phooey (politest word i can think of, hahaha) to all that. write it all down, exactly how you feel, leave it for a coupla days, re-read it and see if there's anything you want to add, then mail it!!! as i said in my letter to my ex, i didn't want to have to write that kind of letter, but then he didn't spare my feelings did he? also i sent it to him before i was really feeling the things i'd put in my letter - all the anger etc, was still in huge shock - but now i'm SO glad i wrote them b/c whenever i get to thinking of what i want to say to him, when the rage boils up again, at least i have the satisfaction of knowing that i did get to say them, via my letter. so that's my long-winded way of saying i think you should let her know how you feel. face her with the repercussions of her behaviour. does she think she can just behave like that and just walk off into the sunset, not taking repsonsibility for her actions? sounds like she's done it before hence her self-pity over exes confronting her that you mentioned. what you said about yr ex's past experience then treating you the same really rang true for me. how can they when they know how it feels, right? my ex was devastated when his ex cheated on him with his friend, so you'd think he'd know that cheating on me with his friends on-off gf (who he told me a whole year beforehand, just before he bought me a ring -!- that i would laugh at her if i ever saw her b/c she was sooooo huge she looks like a barrel) would devastate me. but he still went ahead even though he said later it had been a "mistake"...BLAAAAA!!!! i still can't get over it and when i say i have vengeful fantasies i mean VENGEFUL (bloodthirsty) revenge. not good i know. i think it must be my subconscious trying to work it all out; re-empower myself by murdering him (then fatally wounding her) in my dreams, heheheheheh - see, i've got it all worked out!! sorry - you're gonna think i'm crazy now. but it's just a reflection of how deeply i've been hurt, i truly took a mauling. and i haven't had one word of apology back from him; he has blamed me for everything... this all kicked off at the beginning of april this year. hang on in there and don't be so hard on yourself. would you really want her back if she begged? it doesn't sound like a very equal or healthy r/shp, given her behaviour etc. it sounds like you're better off without her. PS hope the pillows help. i do a lil bit of boxing (tres amateur) and it hasn't helped me release all of my anger. it's only ever a temporary effect. now if i could just punch him in the face who knows?? LOL, hahahahaha

novaseeker, THANK YOU so much for your insightful words!!! i feel so much better for having read your reply. now i know for SURE that my ex's involvement with that woman he said i'd laugh at if i ever met her, was a rebound b/c there's NO way he'd have got with her "cold" as you put it. even in my confused state i know that. finally something i can be sure of (gak)!! i HOPE that's his story now. that just as i finally get over him (still working on it!!!), he starts having to deal with the loss of me... thanks again

tell me about it!! but it's the truth about her and she's responsible for that. you're not making stuff up about her. i know what you mean (oh boy do i!!). and just when you feel full of hate some perverse side to your brain kicks in with missing them a lil bit as well!! it's like they leave you with a toxic mess on your hands, is how i feel. SIGH. it's not good to have these negative emotions inside, to hate is negative, but there it is. that's how you're feeling (how i feel). maybe it's not hatred for them per se, but the fact that you HATE what they did...? either way, they (not the hatred) were the greatest negative in your life. and frankly they deserve how we're feeling. i just want my ex to go through what he put me through - to suffer for every day i've thought about him and for every tear i've shed over him, no more no less. i think that's fair.

hey blue boy, how's the pillow bashing going? having read people's posts here i've got to say my own revenge fantasies are far more bloody and gory, but perhaps the less said about them the better!! haha oh, i didn't follow what you meant by this: maybe you could break it down for me as i'm not at all sure what you were trying to say... but just to let you know, there's NO way i'd wish my ex a merry christmas - i want him to be MISERABLE and SUFFER!! truly. but i guess that's just me and my rage, ho ho (hollow laugh). have a *good* christmas - at least you won't be going through the same BS next xmas - something to remember. me, i'm booking into a good hotel where i intend to lie in bed watching TV and eating chocolate all day (that's the plan anyway!!). and if you feel like bawling your ex out, go ahead and do it, tell her how you feel!!

blue boy - i know exactly how you feel. i only have to think (and that's involuntarily on a daily basis, gah!) of how nasty my ex was at the end (the TOTAL opposite of who i thought he was) and i get this vengeful rage come over me. i wish i didn't care less, but it's as you say, the total lack of humanity that they show sets you off. he wanted to marry me and have children and he's cast me off like a nobody. that's how i feel! i think if i hear one more person say time heals i'll scream!! screw time!! it all takes time, meanwhile each day you lose a bit more hope. ditto taking up hobbies and meeting people - none of it works!! i don't want to have to go thru all this one miserable day at a time and i'm STILL not over the mindf*ck that he inflicted on me. it's like a prison sentence. screw ending up in this situation - i'm so mad to have ended up like this - b/c of him!! i STILL can't believe how BADLY he treated me. what are you supposed to do about the anger?

first, how can you tell it's a rebound r/shp? do they 'work'? how long do they last for (roughly)? i have been reading that rebounds always fail - IS this true? are rebounds just about getting over the person they dumped (why is this if they don't want to be with you anymore, ie why do they need to get over you if they've chosen not to be with you)? [side note: my exbf got with the on/off gf of his friend BEFORE he smashed up our r/shp. he told me at the time that it was a mistake, "it should never have happened", that it only happened b/c he was so confused and she was a good ear (whatever that means!). he wasn't even attracted to her - he told me a whole year beforehand that if i ever saw her i'd laugh, so of course i never thought he'd end up sleeping with someone he found so physically unattractive!! despite saying all this and telling me he wasn't even comfortable being at her place, he still went round there almost every day. i just don't get it. am not sure if she's still in the frame as a 'friend' (they were friends before this), but this has hurt me SO much. i know it's keeping me stuck from moving on… 8 months later i'm still seething about it, alternating betw wanting revenge and just feeling like a big number was done on me

hi everyone, just want to THANK YOU ALL for your responses - i am still reading through them, but i just wanted to thank y'all for your time and for helping me reach a deeper understanding (well, i'm getting there...)

thanks for the replies so far. but i am wondering if i've made myself clear. i want to know about the SUFFERING/PAIN you guys have been hinting the dumper feels - details pls!! shes2smart - it's the crap i'm asking about - what kind of crap does a dumper have to sort thru? what challenges does the dumper have to face? what kind of pain? Patience - that's what my exbf did to me, which is why i'm trying to understand...

1) so how does the dumper prepare? what time frame is this within? how come they (the dumper) need to heal? PocoDiablo, i'm asking with resopect to serious r/shps, women you cared about not how you felt after dumping women you've dated. (sounds like you've hurt quite a few women's feelings; you owed them an explanation at least...)

okay, quick question for those of you who have 'dumped' your partner(s). i've been reading stuff lately about break-ups and i keep reading that the dumper also feels bad when the r/shp breaks up, usually very guilty and doesn't just move on as easily as it looks to the dumpee. news to me!! so my question is how bad do you feel, how does the guilt manifest, what kind of thinking accompanies how you feel (how do you feel?) about the person you dumped? do you think less of them if they cried and didn't want to split up? was it a struggle but 'something' inside drove you on? what stopped you from relenting and giving it another go/trying to work it out? did you doubt you were doing the right thing? i am asking this b/c it seems many of us have been left stranded in a post-relationship void, feeling that only we are hurting and in pain and unable to understand why/how our partner who dumped us can just cut off from us... so pls help us to make some sense of 'your' reaction - just how 'bad' does a dumper feel in the aftermath of ending a serious r/shp? (hope all this makes sense - am typing this in a hurry at work!!) thanks

Jake, it's your life, but she clearly has PROBLEMS. if that's how she reacts i really feel very sorry for you. good luck. it sounds like you'll need it (sorry to say)

BellaDonna - you haven't written anything offensive, so there's NO need for you to apologise! have you reported this to the moderators - they shld help find out who sent it to you and take appropriate action. maybe check the profile of the sender? (is it that guy's exhibitionist gf - the one posting nude pics of herself d'ya think?)... you could also PM him and tell him to tell her to back off with her silliness. just ignore 'her' threats. pretty pathetic if you ask me - and stupid, seeing as WE all know what she looks like...

key word: abuse. it is abuse pure and simple. she has been (is) abusing you, which is why she doesn't care or even pretend to care about your feelings. leave her to go her own way to hell. you are really better off without her.