lgirl

just want to thank you all (Sidhat, Meowy, Djedix, Ilse) for taking the time to read my post and offer me yr advice –much appreciated. Meowy – i guess i feel humiliated because he went to someone else, told her how and why (no doubt) he thought things weren't working out betw us, shared personal information, i guess is what i'm trying to say. also this girl had been "feeding off the crumbs of our relationship" (his words) for a while, so she'll feel she's got one up on me, even though he's blatantly using her and will never feel for her what he felt for me. i also feel stupid that he was able to this to me. if he'd physically beaten me up i cldn't be more bruised. feel humiliated that other people (his friends, some of whom i only just met when i went over to see him for my b'day in March) know. feel i can't tell any of my friends because it's so humiliating – dumped and cheated on! i can only hope that these other people will see his behaviour as being a bad reflection on him. it really bugs me that he seems to be (and feels) he's calling the shots right now. my main problem is that i feel so winded by the experience i feel unable to act. literally feels like i'm waiting to get back on my feet, have been laid so low by it. now that i'm coming round from the concussion he induced, i know i can't condone his behaviour, even if he could somehow magically put it all right (magically, being the key word). i can't be the person he is right now but i feel tied (and still love/miss) the person i thought he was. i cannot emphasise enough how different he's behaving to the man i knew. if he'd ever given me even a hint of bad behaviour i'd have dealt with this situation more decisively because there wld be a pattern. but this has all been so out of the blue. we can't go back to what we had and we've lost our future together. i still wake u every morning in shock that it's happened. still don't understand how he's able to carry on as though nothing's happened. when we spoke last wkend, he said he hasn't been able to concentrate, has had a heavy heart feeling so heartbroken and missing me, he led me to believe. but how can he still be calling her every day and not me. he told me he only goes round there because he can't stand to be at home all the time (lives with his ma) and that she's always asking him to stay over but he doesn't because he doesn't want to… he hasn't done anything to put things right that i know of. have got a feeling he might call this wkend. i am planning to write him a letter telling him like it is and closing the door on him, but haven't written it up yet. what shall i do if he calls? i want to know what (if anything) has changed out of curiosity, but i don't want to play my hand until i'm stronger and can really use it to devastate him. i want him to go through the pain and shed the tears that i have. can't believe that i actually miss him still. what does anybody think?

IN A NUTSHELL: my ldr bf broke up with me suddenly almost 4 weeks ago (see my original thread 'Please help, I'm so confused in Getting Back Together), and i found out last wkend he's been seeing his friend's gf during this time! he told me it should never have happened and that it was a mistake. said he ended going to her after we had our bust-up, that it was a one-off, although he's been spending time round at hers rather than be at home. he told me he doesn't want to lose me, and I told him that he has to cease all contact with her if that's the case, but he's dragging his feet so far because she's in his neighbourhood and 'too close to home'. i was in so much shock speaking to him – his 'revelation' came out right at the beginning of our last conv, and we were on the phone for over 4 hrs – that i gave him the impression we could work things through, and he agreed. THE PROBLEM: i feel as though if he'd beaten me up i wouldn't feel this bruised. i literally feel like Hilary Swank in Million Dollar Baby, when she's lying in the hospital bed before they amputate her leg. he's laid me out with such a cruel sucker punch – never saw it coming. feel i should be picking myself up, but i can't even stand up i feel so weak. although my head's telling me i can't be involved with someone who could treat me like this, betray me so deeply, i still can't believe this has happened. i can't escape the harsh facts of how he's treated me and i know in my heart this is just too much for my self-respect to bear. but i can't switch off from it – all the unnecessary details he gave me; he has been unflinchingly blunt with me while still declaring he loves me (!). i feel so stupid that this has happened to me and that i'm in such a sorry state. have been in so much SHOCK. he is not the person i knew; he has brought so much shame on me. i feel so humiliated by it all. i haven't eaten a square meal for almost a month now, the only break i get from it all is when i physically pass out in the early hours, and to make it worse it feels like the balance of power still lies with him – he broke up with me yet he's the one saying he wants to 'put a smile back' on my face and 'then see' about being my bf again. i can't think straight. how do i redress the balance of power? get it back on my terms? i need to put this right for myself and make him realise what he's done. he can't be allowed to do this to me and get away with it. WHAT DO I DO NOW? please help. i feel so disempowered. i don't know how to pick myself up from this.

IN A NUTSHELL: my ldr bf broke up with me suddenly almost 4 weeks ago (see my original thread 'Please help, I'm so confused in Getting Back Together), and i found out last wkend he's been seeing his friend's gf during this time! he told me it should never have happened and that it was a mistake. said he ended going to her after we had our bust-up, that it was a one-off, although he's been spending time round at hers rather than be at home. he told me he doesn't want to lose me, and I told him that he has to cease all contact with her if that's the case, but he's dragging his feet so far because she's in his neighbourhood and 'too close to home'. i was in so much shock speaking to him – his 'revelation' came out right at the beginning of our last conv, and we were on the phone for over 4 hrs – that i gave him the impression we could work things through, and he agreed. THE PROBLEM: i feel as though if he'd beaten me up i wouldn't feel this bruised. i literally feel like Hilary Swank in Million Dollar Baby, when she's lying in the hospital bed before they amputate her leg. he's laid me out with such a cruel sucker punch – never saw it coming. feel i should be picking myself up, but i can't even stand up i feel so weak. although my head's telling me i can't be involved with someone who could treat me like this, betray me so deeply, i still can't believe this has happened. i can't escape the harsh facts of how he's treated me and i know in my heart this is just too much for my self-respect to bear. but i can't switch off from it – all the unnecessary details he gave me; he has been unflinchingly blunt with me while still declaring he loves me (!). i feel so stupid that this has happened to me and that i'm in such a sorry state. have been in so much SHOCK. he is not the person i knew; he has brought so much shame on me. i feel so humiliated by it all. i haven't eaten a square meal for almost a month now, the only break i get from it all is when i physically pass out in the early hours, and to make it worse it feels like the balance of power still lies with him – he broke up with me yet he's the one saying he wants to 'put a smile back' on my face and 'then see' about being my bf again. i can't think straight. how do i redress the balance of power? get it back on my terms? i need to put this right for myself and make him realise what he's done. he can't be allowed to do this to me and get away with it. WHAT DO I DO NOW? please help. i feel so disempowered. i don't know how to pick myself up from this.

i hope someone out there can help, i am in such a bad way. my ldr bf broke up with me out of the blue 3 weeks ago (see my original thread 'Please help, I'm so confused in Getting Back Together). we have had some contact (he's called me) and having read many posts here, it's been hard but i have obeyed the NC rule. i finally thought we might be working towards a reconciliation as he has said he doesn't want to lose me. anyway, the killer punch is that i have found out he's been seeing this 'friend' during this time! he told me it wass something that should never have happened, he's not in love with her and that it was a mistake and is even trying to put some distance between them because she's 'moving too fast' for him and it's not what he wants. he told me he ended going to her after we had our bust-up (initiated by him; total surprise to me), that it was a one-off, although he's been spending time round at hers rather than be at home. have told him that a condition to being in my life is for him to cease all contact with her. he's dragged his feet so far because she's in his neighbourhood and 'too close to home' – her man has now threatened him and there's a road in his neighbourhood that he can't walk down because of it – although he has assured me he will put it right. i am in the most awful place. i can't believe this has happened. even though he has said (and in my shock, i gave him the impression) that we cld work through things, i know in my heart this is just too much for my self-respect to bear. i can understand and even forgive the one-off thing, but he's made it too messy. and i can't switch off from it – he told me 6 months ago, when i picked up on the fact she was flirting with him, that this friend (his friend's on-off girl), is a big barrel of a woman, who if i saw her i, i'd understand why he cld never go near her etc, etc. but he has – all because he got some sympathy. he's putting it down to a moment of madness, but she thinks he's her bf now – he told me she's told her work colleagues (which he's not happy about). he also told me this was completely out of character for him and he couldn't believe he was in that situation (even told me how uncomfortable he was with her physically which she noticed). i have been done in with too much info. more than i need to know and he doesn't seem to understand – when i said he needs to win my trust again, he sounded surprised. i haven't eaten a square meal for 2 weeks now, i feel so heartbroken, and cannot believe the balance of power still lies with him – he broke up with me, he's straightening things out (while i wait) and ultimately, he's the one saying he wants to 'put a smile back' on my face and 'then see' about being my bf again. i was in so much shock speaking to him – his 'revelation' came out right at the beginning of the conv, and we were on the phone for over 4 hrs. at the end he felt he had closure about certain stuff and thanked me because he felt better than he has over the last few weeks (said he's been feeling miserable and unable to concentrate because of the heartache of our relationship not working out, as he saw it). but i didn't. just felt so shell-shocked afterwards. had so wanted to normalise things that i put all my energy into steering us to the reconciliation – my objective before i found out about bis 'indiscretion'. was in such shock i just reverted to my original 'script' and left it he would call me, but i don't even know when. can't believe how all this sounds and am mortified that he just sounds like a total dickhead here – not the man i got involved with and so different to just 3 weeks ago i don't recognise him. never had any cause to doubt him and was so secure in his love until literally the end of last month. i believe him when he says it was a mistake, but it's HOW he's gone about things i can't stomach. i'm now in no-man's land – can't go back, don't feel he cld make it better, and no way forward. i was so hoping we cld work thru all this before i found out about her. but i can't think straight. don't know how to proceed for the best. so how do i redress the balance of power? get it back on my terms? get a chance to have my day in court, as it were? i need to put this right for myself and make him realise what he's done. WHAT DO I DO NOW? please help. i feel so disempowered.

This is the first time I've ever posted a problem and I would be grateful for any advice anyone can give me. Will try and keep it brief (please bear with me). I am in a ldr of 18 months – I'm in the UK, my guy's in NY. I last saw him mid-march when I went over to visit him for my birthday (which incidentally he spent ages planning as he was determined to make it my 'best bd ever'. it was, even though we had a couple of rows while I was there. We always seem to have a couple of rows when we meet up, but have always put this down to the inherent tension in a ldr. Anyway, to cut a long story short, after I got back, I started to notice that he wasn't texting me much. I deeply regret it now, but I sent him a bit of a snippy text when I hadn't heard from him all day on the Thursday. I was so caught up with my own point of view, feeling neglected by my bf. He sent a snappy txt bk, then I didn't hear from him. Asked if he wasn't replying to me now, and he txtd to say he was 'in a situation' he cldn't explain, but would 'soon', that he wldn't be calling me that night and for me not to call or text him as 'it would only complicate things'. He also turned all his phones off, so I went out of my mind with worry, imagining the worst, that he must be in some kind of trouble (he's not in work right now and has maxed his credit cards out, which I know was stressing him). I left it for a day, out of respect for his wishes, but then started trying to reach him. He'd never done that before, never even kept me waiting 5mins for a call in the whole 18 months we've been together. Finally got hold of him Sat pm and he told me he'd been staying with friends (I'd never heard of). when I got thru he just blasted me with a torrent of rage about the rows we'd had, quoting stuff from 6 months ago that I thought we'd resolved. He was so angry, I ended up in tears from the shock. He didn't sound like himself at all. Shld point out that these rows are never about anything much, silly stuff. A good friend of mine told me she went thru the same thing with her guy in their 2nd year, rows over nothing etc, so I thought it was pretty normal even though I don't like rows. Anyway, I digress. It was not a good call – he said we had glossed over stuff in our relationship – ie the practicalities of me moving over there to be with him (which we both want) – that we needed to talk stuff through or we were heading for trouble. but he said he'd call the next night Sun at 9pm. So 9pm came and went, I spent the whole day (10hrs by the time we did speak) waiting to hear from him. Finally got him to call me back and he said he was thinking to finish it with me. How could he have gone from saying we had to talk things thru to it's over in such a short space of time. Had told his mother and sis it was over and talked it thru with his friends before coming to me – last person to know! Really freaked me out by talking about me in the past tense – eg apologised for his disappearing act and said 'you shouldn't have had to go thru that after everything you meant to me' (!) said he loved me but we had problems, and the sharp tone I've taken when we've rowed made him think he wasn't the right guy for me +, he couldn't see how he could sustain a relationship while he's so in a mess financially. Said he wanted to make sure he was properly sorted out before he ever offered up his heart again. I said what do you mean, I thought I had your heart? And he said I did. (what does he mean?) I asked him didn't I deserve a second chance and tried to correct the assumptions he'd made – one of which was that he thought he'd be financially supporting my move to NY – that we are on the same page about stuff etc. he said I should have told him earlier and I said but these were all the things I've been asking you to discuss whenever I mention we must talk about our timeline, get our plans up and running. We also managed to have a bit of a normal conv at one point before he brought it down to us taking 'a break' instead of completely breaking up. Asked him did that mean we wldn't be talking from that Monday onwards and he said he'd call me the following wkend. I spent the whole wk in total misery, lost my appetite (and weight), couldn't sleep, kept crying, just totally shell-shocked and full of doubts. I'd always felt so secure and sure of his feelings for me and now he was behaving so distant and cold. The following wkend, he txtd me to say he'd call on the Sun instead at 9pm and this time called v punctually (like he always used to) and we spoke about his work situation before getting on to us. I told him about all the insights I'd had about where I think I went wrong, we both went wrong – basically, allowing outside issues (work/money etc) to get us down and affect us adversely – and he agreed with me. Told me that he didn't want to lose me (unprompted, he volunteered it) and when I asked him if we were ok, he said 'we will be'. Said he'd call the next wkend. Caved in mid-wk and sent him a missing you, emotional txt. No reply, but got email 'I got yr messg', all about his work frustrations, no endearments or hope you're ok. He didn't call at the wkend and having read a lot of the posts on this site, I decided not to contact him. Didn't hear anything by Mon, so by Tuesday I'm thinking this is it, it's over. I can't let him treat me so coldly when I'm supposed to be the love of his life. Was really torn because at the same time I've been trying to see it from his point of view, walk in his shoes and understand. So torn between being angry with him, missing him profoundly and feeling like my life's become some awful waking groundhog day bad dream. I think he must have got a massive shock, all his bills becoming due and not being able to pay them; his back is against the wall. But then his inability to secure a job (even tho' he is very talented, lots of skills but no career or job history to show for it; he's 32) has put a lot of pressure on us and our last row ended with me saying I didn't care what work he got as long as he just got a job. Said this quite strongly because am getting fed up feeling like I'm waiting, just waiting for him to get situated so we can get on with our life together. When I first met him, he was worried about the time element of getting himself sorted out with an apartment/job (he lives at home with his mother), but in reassured him I didn't expect him to turn things around in just 6 months – a year would be reasonable enough time though. Well, we're at the 18 months mark and no further forward. I regret snapping, but up until then I've bent over backwards trying to be supportive, sending him job vacs I've seen that might be useful to him (in a non-pressured way). I have been working all this time and not without pressures of my own which have got me down. Anyway, he called tues pm just as I'd resigned myself to the fact I'd have to. Said he was just calling briefly to put me in the picture (work stuff again), that he'd email me + call me this Sat at 9pm. This is all off his own back, no prompting from me. How do we move on from here? It's killing me having to just let time pass. Surely he'll realise he's made a mistake (has said in the past that he wants to make me his life and wife, so how can he give me up so easily?) how can we talk things thru productively and for the best? I so want us to resolve things because apart from the few rows we've had, we have a great relationship. I have been feeling very bruised and confused by his behaviour. Why did he shut me out and go to his friends first? Surely he should have come to me to talk about it? I feel slightly betrayed by this and I'm worried that it will leak out in to our conv when he calls. Trying not to let my pride get in the way, but I feel that although we may have had 'probems' as he says (that cld be resolved), the way he's gone about things and treated me has done some damage to my feelings for me. So as well as addressing these (his) issues, how do I deal with these feelings/get him to acknowledge them, put it right without potentially sparking off another row? Also, in the meantime, I've been checking his cell activity (I know, I know!) and since I got back to the UK he's been calling this friend of his – she's the on-off girl of his friend and he's known her for a while. In the beginning of our relationship when I expressed a bit of envy he said if I could only see her I'd know that he cld never be interested in her. Sometimes he calls her number 3 times a day although the calls look short or as though he's getting her voicemail – am not familiar with US call rates, soam assuming if it's a $0.25 cents call, they didn't speak…? Have been imagining the worst here and think he stayed with her – that she was the 'friends' he went to when he locked off from me. He told me in our 2nd post-bust-up conversation that she'd given him a weekly travel card – WHAT'S THAT ALL ABOUT? I am trying to give him the benefit of the doubt – she's mentioned helping him with work before, so it could just be that, as the calls don't seem all that long. Also thinking about who he is and what he's told me, I trust him, but it really rankles with me and I don't like it. Why was he calling her the day after I got back? Maybe to tell her all about my trip – but why? One call he made was at 1.18am which has totally freaked me out but it only lasted $0.15, so does that mean he didn't get thru? Am worried that far from being relaxed and just letting him talk tomorrow if/when he calls, this will colour my attitude. How do I raise the issue without giving away the fact that I've been effectively snooping on him? My mind is in turmoil because it doesn't sound so good when you read it in black and white. I feel he's taken everything I thought I knew about him and turned it upside down. How can he maintain such limited contact with me when before by his own admission he was obsessed with me, devoted to me etc? is he punishing me? Or just so caught up with his predicament that he's got tunnel vision and can't think of anything else (is that a guy thing?). I know him to be an intelligent, deep-thinking and astute guy, so surely he must realise what he's doing. How do we get our loving back after all this? I have such a mixture of emotions clouding my head. I just can't believe he hasn't tried to resolve things/change his mind about it all yet. Can a person make a choice based on purely practical reasons? If he thinks he can't afford a relationship, how can he be prepared to risk losing this one. And that's another thing. He said he didn't want to lose me, but I don't feel he's trying to keep me either. Please, please tell me what I should do and how. I just want this bad dream to end. PS Thanks for reading this thru to the end – sorry it's so long.