volution

If you can't afford to live on your own other than in another country - what do you do? Kill yourself?

That is quite a rude and prejudiced statement... Whilst it is true, many people in their 20's aren't that mature these days, not all of them are like this - to believe so is to be brainwashed and simple. ANYONE of ANY AGE can be like this, not just, '23 year olds'. I know of men and women in their 50s that behave worse and more immaturely than men/women of 20. And I believe it is wrong to use another person (date) them to 'get over' someone else - what if that person that you were using believed that you were *their* soulmate, and you turned round and said 'hey - it was only for fun'? Ownerofalonelyheart - For most people, moving away 1,000 miles, from their family and friends is a major upheavel - at *any* age. I don't think they lied - they were just not ready at this point in their life to make such a major commitment, and again I repeat this has NOTHING to do with physical age, but the stage they are at, and the state they are in at the particular time. She might have given so much of herself and devoted so much of her life, to being with you, that she 'lost' who she was - she lost sight of her individuality, and this frightened her. Perhaps she thought that you would never give as much back to her, as she did to you... In the end, any successful relationship must reach a point where the 'two' people almost become 'one'. This is not to say they must be with each other every second of every day, but it is about merging and sharing your life, intertwined, fused, with another soul, and sacrificing some of your personal freedom and independence to explore a deeper, more real freedom. And this frightens most people (at any age), and it is why few ever people stay truly, deeply intimate, for long... because few people are ready to understand or take part in such a deep commitment...

Are you in the UK? The mobile networks here keep records of the locations of mobile phones - but only for a certain time. Are you able to ask for police protection - they should be able to assist you...

I deteste Romantic Comedies with a vengeance not seen since the days of Genghis Khan - they are all so unbelievably contrived, especially the 'teen' ones. They bear virtually no relation to real life. I am a romantic person, and of course in romance, there is a time and place for fun, but love isn't a joke, it isn't a game, it isn't a comedy. The way these films are produced like battery hens, the messages portrayed in them become embedded into the psyche of impressionable young people, and may eventually be acted out, or the expectations created will be sorely disappointed again and again...

People (mainly men, though) often confuse love with lust... And when the lust vanishes (it inevitably does - but it can be regained), people often conclude that the love has vanished - this can happen at any time (though, it happens mostly after 18 months - 2years) and perhaps the lack of intimacy caused some sort of change in your husband. I've often heard the line "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" in situations where love has been confused with lust. You say you love him very much, and you have been together for 20 years - if he truly does love you, then he would be willing to go with you to the counselling. BellaDonna - I believe that many people when they hit their 40s/50s have got as far as they can with their job/career, they've got a house etc., and their children are almost grown up... The people realise that there is something more to life than just all this house/car/wife/kids malarky - they notice they aren't fulfilled anymore, but I don't think many have the insight to realise what it is they are lacking they are lacking spiritually. We all have 3 sides to us - we are triune beings - we have mental, physical and spiritual. Most of us look after the mental and physical, but the spiritual is largely neglected, and so people mostly don't understand why they feel empty, unfulfilled, or 'not in love', and often they blame their partner/relationship. They then try and find their missing fulfilment (incorrectly) by recreating their material/physical life with another partner, and so the cycle continues on and on through their life...

Are you worried that you won't find a partner for years? I remember some of your previous posts, and if you are like me, then you might have become desperate to find a woman to experience intimacy with... Don't fret (easier said then done, I know!)... And don't settle for 'just someone'... I can tell you from personal experience, that being intimate with someone that you don't really love or care for, it is the coldest experience in the world...

This is an inappropriate post + signature.

The pain of Unrequited Love, is the worst pain in the world. Worse than being burnt alive.... Again and again, this is all I have known in my life. My real name is Don Quixote...

Money and material things will not fulfil you in the end. At first, gifts and expensive presents might seem enticing, but if it's all you get, then you will grow tired and might start resenting them. There are people who have money, perhaps lots of it, and are also loving. But the majority care too much about their money (keeping it/making more), to open their hearts enough to give out love. Many men don't realise that there is more to love than 'providing' - women want to be nurtured too! Remember, the things that someone gives do not make a person. But the things that someone does, do. And love isn't love if it asks or pressures for something in return... I know it is hard to know what to do when being almost 'suffocated' by gifts etc. But love isn't about the material things you share, but the emotional things, the spiritual things - the moments you share, the conversations, the looks, the feelings, the reminiscences, the touches, the embraces, the kisses...

This evil man sounds like a paedophile. Please try and find the courage to report this 'man' to the police etc. If you let him get away with it, then he'll most likely go after another girl and do it again, and perhaps worse... Be strong... It is hard I know, my sister was raped, and she knew the person, but she was too afraid to speak about it for a year or so, and never went to the police...

Finally someone else realises the neuro-programming power that music, media, newspapers, films, etc. have! I've always thought that today, most songs are now all about failed relationships, love that will never be found or redeemed, cheating, violence and sex (eg: Aguilera, Spears videos). In the 60s & 70s & 80s we had some of our greatest love songs - "Save the Best to Last", The Carpenters, Barry White, Cyndi Lauper, and so much more... Now, all we get is stupid biatch Beyonce and other Hip Hop crap talking about cheating, two-timing, revenge and other negative things. And the only love songs we get are from half-naked vixens, corrupting our children with Toxic videos, gospelling that image and sex is all that matters anymore. Is it a wonder people somehow consider cheating, etc. to be the norm, when we are drowning in oceans of negative inputs from songs, films and cheap TV chat shows? Oh God, this world is getting so damn cheap... But there really is some good music, films etc. out there if you look hard. But, I fear, that virtually all the good things are from the past. Everyone is forgetting the old virtues and values and noble causes, and no longer do we create thing out of beauty's extolment, but purely out of financial pursuit.... Every day, what I see in the world around me makes me believe that I'm one of the few Pre-Raphaelites left...

A great guide to Unrequited Love - a bit ironic, but I can relate to the self-torment and scenario-playing-in-your-head very very much: link removed

Soulmates do exist. That people don't believe in them doesn't make them cease to exist. There is too much latent evidence for soulmates, even in science. Negative/Positive. Light/Dark. Up/Down. Yin/Yang. There is an incredible book that might just change your mind on soulmates: "Science of Soulmates" (link removed). Perhaps, but would you really find a longlasting tryst with someone who had one or two things in common with? 'Oftentimes' I might add.! People usually marry for comfort and security, after becoming disenchanted and disillusioned that they will ever find 'true love' - ie: they just settle for second (or third, fourth or even millionth) best...

The trouble is that society in general has dictums about what people should do according to their physical age. From about 12/13 when I first started getting my first romantic feelings for women, I would dream about having one woman totally and utterly and exclusively. To marry her. For life. And I'm a flipping man! I believe all of us, deep down, both men and women dream of having "ONE" person for the rest of our life. But when our sexual hormones kick in, some of us tend to seek out the easiest satisfaction of the animal drive - and that sometimes means playing the field. Also, and I believe this is the major factor, is the 'Teenage Disillusionment' - that most people get their first girl/boy-friend in their teenage years, and unfortunately usually, it doesn't last, mostly because they're not mature enough yet to handle a relationship. The Disillusionment is the feeling that relationships 'can never last' that is deeply imprinted into the psyche. And so, people unconsciously live out their lives, expecting relationships to fail - the first heartbreak was unbearably painful - and hence they are afraid to give enough of themselves ever again to another person in future, and so any future relationships will inevitably fail... But coming back to this 'too young' ageism nonsense... Because many people in the western world view physical age as an indicator of maturity (totally incorrectly I might add), we usually have to 'put up with' people of a similar physical age, even though they might not have anything in common, just because virtually everyone goes about with this 'age' crap unconsciously planted in their heads and staying in groups of their own age. Every day I ache inside, at work, when I get up, when I go to sleep... Because I don't have anyone to come home to... I have no fiancee, I have no wife, I have no girlfriend... Nothing... And it's killing me slowly and definitely not softly... I scream out with all my heart and soul to have someone to 'settle down' with. Yet my cries go unheard, and I wonder how long it will be before they are ever answered... It makes me really sick, when I see sometimes, the way people treat their partners with utter contempt. Their partners are often just 'accessories', just a 'sex object' to keep them warm at night. When I was younger I often cried at night, when I thought of how evil wife-beating paedophile scum managed to get girlfriends, and yet here I was, with an honest heart, dying of loneliness... There was a recent film on a similar line, "The Woodsman" - Kevin Bacon plays a man who was jailed for molesting young girls, but when he gets out, he starts a new and clean life, and gets a new girlfriend. I know it's a film, but this and worse happens in real life.. Sometimes I ask myself if I would be called crazy if I wanted to kill myself because of injustice like this... Anyway, while I'm still alive, my heart and soul hope, that one day, soon I pray (to save my sanity that my lady will come...

One thing you must understand, is that sex isn't love. It can be a physical expression of love, but usually people confuse lust and love, and often wonder where the love went when the physical feelings start to melt away, or the reality of life crashes in through the fairy-tale bubble of passion. This dance of aloneness and closeness that you are taking part in, can be extremely destructive - your heart and soul can be maimed permanently by the extreme of emotions from hope to despair, from love to hate, from togetherness to emptiness. Fear of loneliness causes people to try and preserve connections that should be avoided or moved on from. I believe that perhaps this is what is happening here. It takes time, and maturity, to be in a relationship, and from what you have said, I don't think that there can be any future for this relationship. It is hard to dampen feelings of lust, but it is even harder to dampen feelings of love. If you fall in love with someone you have first fallen in lust with, the hurt can be immeasureable... Unfortunately, this is the way the majority of people enter into relationships in these cheap and shallow days... You must tell him "Please, I cannot have you call me again. I need to heal." If he is mature and understanding, then he will accept this, and do his best to honour your need to heal. If not, then it just proves how much you need to get away from this connection. Finally, you have indicated you have been in a number of relationships, where the 'guy dumps you'. Relationships are not games, they are not just for fun, just to keep loneliness at bay. You must first look inside yourself, and ask yourself the question, "are *you* ready for a relationship?" Relationships are about growing together, sharing, teaching, learning, living, healing together. Are you ready to share every part of yourself, good and bad with another soul? If not, then you have some way to go, before you *are* ready... Good luck..

You have a right to it under the UK's recent Freedom of Information laws...

Someone really should write a book about self-deprecation and how to escape from it. I have been guilty of thinking about myself as 'ugly' and 'worthless' many times in the past. I think many many more people suffer from these self-defeating and sabotaging thoughts then any one of us realises... There is a book I bought recently called "I can change your life in 7 days" by a famous British hypnotist, Paul McKenna. I haven't started it yet, but it comes with a free CD and has got some pretty good reviews... link removed

Sometimes, in this world, people have been so abraised and ruined by years of disappointment and disenchantment, that love isn't enough...

It is the norm for the woman to be younger and the man older in the Western world. The belief is that men mature slower than women, and so obviously an older man would tend to be thought of as on the same level as a younger women. The problem we face though, is that maturity is an *inner* quality - physical age is *NOT* an indicator of maturity. For example, there are men in their 50s and 60s that behave like teenagers still! BUTTERFLYCLOUD - you are one of the few people I've heard of that understands about an inner age - an age of the soul. Whilst it's true, many people seem quite willing to 'fit in' to society's dictums on what they should do and behave like, according to what physical age they are, there are people that refuse to be 'stereotyped' like this, such as myself. My interests, beliefs, dreams and hopes tend to be shared by women much older than me. And I have had dire difficulty in finding a woman who would give me a second look - because so many people in this world make assumptions based around *physical age* - that people of a certain age will do this and that, and people older then them will do something else (etc.), and so they assume that I could never have the same interests, beliefs, and level of commitment/maturity as them. It's not unknown for older women/younger men relationships, but with regards to older men/younger women (I'm talking about a gap of probably about 10 years or more), the ratio is probably about 10:1 (10 older men/younger women vs. 1 older women/younger men).

What has always perplexed me is that it's OK for women to be like men, but the other way round, it's almost like a crime, for a man to be like a woman. There is a Madonna song "What it Feels Like for a Girl"... The Lyrics start off: "Girls can wear jeans And cut their hair short Wear shirts and boots 'Cause it's OK to be a boy But for a boy to look like a girl is degrading 'Cause you think that being a girl is degrading" Men are encouraged (and often forced) to be 'macho', 'competitive', 'hard', 'strong', 'ruthless', 'cold', 'distant', 'unattached' etc. and yet those that want to be 'soft' and 'gentle' and 'kind' are often ridiculed by society. And then women complain that their men aren't 'soft' and 'gentle' enough. People don't realise strength can be found in softness. I'm the opposite of you, I affine more with the feminine than the masculine. Sometimes I feel like I should have been born a girl. But I've realised I'm who I am, I have a more feminine soul than most men. And I know that most women do really appreciate softness and gentleness from a man.

Don't forget to tell her she is beautiful... IT's amazing how many guys forget this...

GET OUT NOW! GET OUT NOW! This man is obviously a sad, cheating control-freak. I presume from what you've said he's a bit or quite a bit older than you. "Marriage and Kids" is a classic line that woos any girl - it's what every girl wants! There are genuine men out there that do want marriage and children, but this 'man' is not one of them... Many men say 'I love you' to keep you, to have sex with you, to stop you running off... Often they don't mean it or even know the meaning of the word 'love' (and this is coming from a guy!). I have found that people often accuse others of faults that they have yet to rectify in themselves - that he accused you of cheating, but didn't bother to listen to you even though you could absolve yourself of it, and gave him proof - it wasn't good enough. Rightly, you asked to see the same from him, and he refused, so in all probability he is 'cheating' himself. It's sad, but some older men, who know all the games and rat-scams, sign up to teens and children's websites, in the hope of seducing young girls. They might seem to be genuine at the start if you talk to them, and maybe if you eventually meet them, but in the end they are just looking for sex usually, and sometimes under-age sex. Please, get away from this cruel beast. There are plenty more genuine people out there. And yes, it is hard if you do love someone - but look at it this way - he doesn't love you, he lusts for you no doubt, but love isn't cheating, love isn't hiding, love isn't decieving. Your love will be forever unrequited with this pathetic man. Save your love for someone more worthy, who will return it to you...

Much though as I do believe in soulmates and twin flames, I have realised now, sadly, that a 'one' for you doesn't necessarily come along.... We all have more than one 'soulmate' - perhaps about 10 or more people in the whole world that will really click with us and make us happy. But only one 'twin flame'. However, to meet even just a 'soulmate' - 10 or so people out of the billions in this world is very remote - there are so many barriers and adversities that one can encounter. I do believe in destiny and fate - your path and encounters in life can be affected somewhat, but only a little bit. You could walk down the road and pass your soulmate, if you were wrapped up in your own world, perhaps feeling deeply depressed about a previous relationship that ended badly, you might never carry it forward, only ever exchanging a deep and profound glance that you'll remember for the rest of your life... Shyness, material situation (financial etc.), depression, meeting at the wrong time, etc. - these are just some of the problems that many people face, and are barriers to meeting their 'one'. Meeting your 'one' at the wrong time - if either or both of you are not ready for a relationship, that can be crushing, and I'm experiencing that right now... I don't know what to do, I'm scared that my feelings will wane, and that the time they are ready, I will have passed by, and both of us will never be truly fulfilled in this lifetime...

Remember the good times you did share - 6 years is quite an achievement in this fleeting world. Some people haven't even had 6 days of happiness in their lives...

I'm not so bad now... I've had a couple of explosions over the last 2 weeks where a lot of pain and despair has come out... Though there is still some in me... And when that's gone, the depression and inner pain will just star with a vengance all over again... I'd rather not post on here what my situation is - if someone could PM me, then perhaps that would be the best idea.