volution

I thought it would be easy... But it most certainly isn't. I agree with you on your last statement - although there are more women than men ready for this kind of relationship, there still aren't that many women. I guess maybe 1 in 100 or less are ready for this kind of relationship. So there will be great trouble finding them, especially if you're shy. A lot of the time, they won't use normal dating channels, so this makes it even harder. Other than screaming from the rooftops, I can't see much other choice than just letting fate and destiny bring me to a woman like this. It hurts like hell, though, having to rely on such poor chance. If women outnumber men in this regard, shouldn't it be easier for the few men who want that kind of merging to find a female who wants it as well? So how come it's so difficult? Or is it that so few people, either male or female, are ready for that kind of relationship?

You're looking for total fulfilment, in mind body and soul. You're ready to merge with someone in a relationship - but very few men are open enough (heart/spiritual awareness), or ready enough (mature) to embark on such a relationship. I don't wish to sound pessimisitic (I used to be the King of Optimisim but the last few years I became the King of Pessimisim! ) - but I believe women outnumber men 10:1 at least, when you're talking this kind of level of merging. What you have described, is true love - in it's highest forms of expression. Soul-gazing, the feeling of homecoming (spiritual peace), almost dying because you need to give your love to someone but you can't - the meaning of life is to love and to be loved. But not to love someone because you need them, but to NEED them BECAUSE you want to love them. I feel exacting resonance with all you have said - I'm almost dying from depression because I don't have a woman to give this all to. I need to - it's my raison d'etre. Yes, I've thought about settling for a mundane relationship, but I just cannot do it. I know that I will end up giving all of myself to them, even if they aren't a very good match. It's just the way I am - I have no other mode of loving. Everytime I have ever fallen in love, I feel everytime, they're my soulmate or twin flame. LOL - Depeche Mode - I like them, a kind of sub-Pet Shop Boys. Couldn't listen to them while making love though! BTW - have you ever tried Tantra or Kundalini?

This guy is obviously just playing games. Like so many guys do. Arrrggghh... this really pisses me off when guys do this... A lot of women get tainted and ruined by guys like him, so when the really good guys come round, then they lose out because so many women believe that they are just playing games too! Hey... I know exactly what you mean when you say about 'Kick Me'. Whenever even the slightest glimmer of something good for me appears on the horizon, I just feel that somehow, something will foul it up. I believe that because of much fear and unrequited love in the past, I've been conditioned to expect negative things happening, rather than good things. It takes time to heal this, and start looking positively. I also believe though, that sometimes, love can heal - someone can come into your life, even if only for a brief time, and then all the pain of the past, just is transmuted. And you're not the only one... I don't know if I will ever find a woman who will just open up enough to let me in, to show her my tenderness and passion, honesty and faithfulness..!

I agree with you - a lot of people think life is about "Job, Car, House, Spouse, Kids" and that's it. That their life will not be fulfilled or complete without all of those, and the only relationship they can have is with someone who will potentially bring about those desires/goals. Add to that, the fact that many people equate attractiveness with success, maturity, intelligence and other qualities and you can see why many people end up with partners that don't fulfil them. What I would like to know though, it's all well and good if you are polite, chilvarous, romantic, tender and kind..... but how the hell do you get a woman's attention in the first place if you're shy like me? Well said romantic sweetheart. And I would be willing to say that most guys like girls who are the same way: sincere, respectfu, kind, etc. It's about the bond, the connection between two people. It's about connecting on all levels. The only thing I don't understand is why more people don't realize this. Because it is about you as a person. Most people want to get a good status in society: good looking guys, good job, famile and 5 kids... It is all about society requirements. What you said it is about some personal level...not about what other want. conclusion: people do care what other think and even try to fit into those expectations...by getting evetyhing our society told us to get: a job, a house, a good looking spouse\lover etc etc

But that's elementary, my dear Holmes

It's such a depressing topic.. I for one would never cheat on my beloved. I know, these are only words, and many people say the same phrase and don't really mean it. And how do you prove to someone you would never cheat? Do so many people really go through their relationships and lives never saying things like "I will never be unfaithful to you?" because they automatically assume that it's an unspoken agreement? There are *so* many reasons for infidelity. Although I do believe that it mainly comes down to unfulfilment. That someone's current relationship isn't fulfilling them totally or as much as they thought it would. Fulfilment in this context, is where not only are the bodily (sexual) desires fulfilled, but also the spiritual (love/soul) desires too. And the levels of unfaithfulness in this world show how little people really understand what 'true/real love' is. So many people confuse sexual desire and infatuation with love, especially men. Few people really believe in a soul, and hence they stumble in the dark for most of their lives seeking the elusive fulfilment, but only finding half of it in brief sexual liasions. Some of the reasons I can think of for infidelity: * REVENGE - to get back at someone for doing/not doing something, or tit-for-tat cheating. * SEXUAL UNFULFILMENT - people might be unsatisified with their current partner, and instead of working with them to overcome the sexual problems, they go to someone else to fulfil their sexual needs. This would be an indicator of their level of maturity/commitment and attitude with regards to life and relationships. * RECAPTURING THE THRILL - when the fairy tale of initial infatuation with someone has worn off, and everday life starts to creep into a relationship, many people start to think they are 'falling out of love', so they go and have an affair, or move onto another relationship. Because people think that the ultimate relationship will be one where the initial infatuation lasts forever. This is an unattainable desire, and so people will move on from relationship to relationship until they understand that they can never attain this 'eternal infatuation' or they suddenly realise that only through deep intimacy can they find true fulfilment. * ESCAPE - if the relationship is violent or cold for example, some people especially women might have affairs to escape the bad feelings/situations. * PLAYER MENTALITY - just because someone can have affairs, they think this gives them lease to have them! * THRILLSEEKING - some people get a buzz out of having an affair - the 'forbidden fruit' syndrome. This is again a sign of unfulfilment. True intimacy can create an even better 'buzz' than the (usually) short-lived buzz of an affair. But so few people are prepared to work at it! * REPETITION - because someone cheated in the past, they might be caught in a cycle where they do it again... and again... In this case, it is not so much a matter of unfulfilment, but of conditiong. They can rise above it and break out of the cycle. *... there are other reasons, though I can't think of any more at the moment. If only people realised that infatuation isn't love! And that infatuation wears off after about one or two years (the 18-month itch?). That they have only lost lust, not love! And if they really love each other, that lust can be regained! So many people put all their effort into the physical (sexual) side of love, that they neglect the truer spiritual (heart) side of love. It's not everyone's fault, as most of us have to stumble through life, with such little guidance on love or relationships. We have sex education, but why not love education??!! Is not love more important than sex? It just goes to show the state of our society - it's attitudes to sex and love - that a higher importance is placed on sex than love, and hence we unconsciously carry through these attitudes in our relationships.

Don't forget TRUST - Trust, Faith, Hope and Love - these are the most important things I believe in. If you can't trust someone, you can't freely love them. If you don't have faith or hope, then you won't find love. Honesty, integrity, respect, communication - these are essential in a relationship. There is no such thing as a 'perfect relationship'. Perfection is a laudable goal for oneself, but it's impossible to expect it from others. Some people do, and they are disappointed. No-one is perfect, but in their faults we find perfection. A funny look, a cute pair of eyes, a quirky way of speaking - all the little things about someone, they might seem unusual or unattractive to others, but it's what makes us fall in love with them...

Love is not a magic spell that can wave a wand of right over that which previously was wrong. This is why I believe many marriages break up - because people assume that somehow, getting married will change them and their situations - that everything will become easy. Some people have children to 'shore up' their relationships, which I think is totally wrong. All relationships require a certain level of maturity, insight and understanding from BOTH partners. If one or both of the partners are lacking on one or more of those prerequisites, then the relationship will inevitably encounter trouble and difficulties: - because as time goes on, the partners will have differing ideas and plans. Believe me, purely loving someone isn't enough. Look at unrequited love. If this world were different, if we loved someone, and that's all we needed to do, to be with them, just to love them .... wouldn't the world be a magical place? I used to believe that if only I loved someone long enough, then somehow, they would love me back. Sadly, in the physical world, love seldom works like that. Us naive, gentle souls, we have to learn hard. Love is a gift, it is precious. We can't buy it. True love is unconditional. Unconditional love from another is the most beautiful thing in the world - it must be treasured. For seldom is it found. But it can do such things...

Some people seem to have an unconscious saboteur that pushes away that which they most want/love. And this can end up where they ruin a relationship. I experienced this with my ex. She told so many times that I was the best thing that ever happened to her. And I knew she meant it. But at the same time, she unconsciously pushed me away on several occasions. I think it all comes down to fear. Everyone naturally has a fear of rejection and being abandoned, but some people have a (much) greater fear than others. Her parents had died when she was young, and I don't think she ever really got over it. She was insecure, and I could sense she was terribly afraid that I would ever cheat on her or leave her. Even though I wouldn't, and I told her so many times to reassure her, she still couldn't accept it. I too was somewhat insecure (this being my only relationship in my life), but I would have had the courage to stand by her for however long it took, and do whatever work we needed to do so we could move on together. But alas, she didn't have the same courage. And it messed up my life too.

Here's another one from last year, to one of my many unrequited loves.... The Honest Man (For Louisa) [March 2004] Time after time, he had waited, For his match - a lonely life he had Led - for he didn't want to play The games that everyone else played... In his heart, all he had was Faithfulness and honesty. He knew nothing of the deceit And darkness that others lived by. Himself, the universe, God, everyone else - He blamed, when each time he tried, And each time he was thwarted, For love passed him by. Many times, when weaker souls Would have crumbled and taken Themselves to the next world, He still found strength to continue. He watched so many times, As unworthy suitors stole the Affections of his beloved - he Was helpless to stop it... Beyond the surface, he looked, For he knew the trueness was To be found inside - all he Wanted was someone who felt The same way, who would Share his dreams, and share His hopes. But the World is Cruel. And dreams rarely do come True, though a songbird once Sang such a sweet song, That melted the hardest of hearts. Oneness was all he cared about, The Oneness of Perfect Love. True Beauty is found beyond the Surface - where he always looked. He grew tired of waiting - so Many times in the past, he had Waited, and love never came along. But this time he felt different. Someone who understood him, And saw him for what he was inside. He too, saw the goodness inside That she held. Like before, though, somebody else Already kept his beloved's heart. He could do nothing but sit back And cry inside - wondering when His noble time would come, That he could fulfil his destiny, And be the Knight of Amour Shining, That he so longed to be....

Thanks. LOL - my ex was from Michigan - Muskegon.

I wrote this one last year... Prison How long must I languish in this prison? My soul lies in a cold, dark place, so Twisted even the wind laughs at my plight. Walls of confusion, disappointment, fear, Disenchantment and pain vanquish every Last tiny drop of hope. I've spent so long in this place, that I seem to have forgotten my fondest dreams; I seem to have forgotten my self... Through rusted bars, I see the world Spinning, everyone seems to live Free, while I just exist - Alone - for an eternity, but when The night comes, I feel even More forsaken... The porridge I'm served poisons My soul - life force-feeds me Images that test my soul... ...a plot to enrage me, to make me jealous, make me explode, make me a real offender... Images of held-hands, warm Embraces, touching mouths, Merging bodies, uniting souls... ...that which I yearn for so Much, with all that remains Of Me. I want to go on hunger strike, But the tiniest echo of compunction Doesn't let me euthanise. Even Papillion would not have Withstood this level of harrow for Long. Melancholy is my only visitor, And she is not there for my health. What did I do to warrant this Punishment? Through the bars again, I look at So many who deserve this prison Much more than I. Those will half-a-heart, with guile On their mind, and with carnal impetuses. This world praises them and all that they do. But now my heart is colder and Harder than theirs' ever was. I've been on trial all my life, Yet no advocate has come To my rescue. Every day I'm questioned even more, I cannot defend myself - I have Nothing left with which to plea. Down I go, deeper and deeper, There is no jury, and this trial I endure has no connection with fair. I'm in a prison, from which I cannot Escape - I have condemned myself To a life sentence of loneliness. I'm guilty, of course! But of what? Of gentleness, honesty, sensitivity, and being true...

God almighty... this is exactly one of the dichotomies that is tearing me apart at the moment. This stereotyping is awful - in fact it's almost as bad as racism. If someone said to you "I won't go out with you because you're black" - that is so wrong. But people seem to find saying "I won't go out with you because you're too young" is OK. It's just as offensive and hurtful. My interests and beliefs, they tend to be held by women a lot older than me (in their 30s and 40s). (I am 24). I've tried so many dating sites etc., but if I put my real age down, I either don't get any replies at all, or I get replies from people who are about the same age as me or younger, and don't share the same interests. I do have an advantage, because I do look older than I am. If I let my facial hair grow for a little bit, I end up looking about 35. (People have told me!) lol. I don't want to wait flipping 20 years before I'm 'allowed' to have a relationship with someone who shares my interests though! Out of interest, I have put down my age being 10 years older than I am before, and then I DO GET REPLIES. Which just goes to show how f****** age prejudiced this world is. I also feel it wrong to lie about age. But when you're faced with this problem, what the hell is there to do? As Leonard Cohen once said, "You've waited half your life away... All you've got left to do... is go on waiting for the miracle to come..."

1. Have you ever seriously considered committing suicide? (you can answer no and I will post that response too) Yes, a number of times in my life, but especially recently. 2. What led you to consider suicide? The failure of love. I've suffered for years with unrequited love. And at various times felt so low, feeling that I would never know love, sex or intimacy. But, now, my first relationship ever ended in December, and it totally destroyed my confidence and faith that I will find love again. And love is my raison d'etre - without love, I feel life has no meaning. I'm scared of how long it might be, and if I would ever find anyone again. 3. What caused you to not commit suicide? I don't know. I think there is a glimmer inside me that somehow holds out hope even in the darkest times. I've come pretty damn close though. I am a spiritual person, and perhaps part of my soul somehow prevented me from carrying through the act. I do know that a lot of people aren't spiritual, and they might have no hope to cling to whatsoever. 4. Do you have any advice for anyone thinking about committing suicide? Talk to someone. Anyone. Most importantly, remember it's not your fault. You haven't done anything wrong.

When I was in my teens, I got fed up of people of my own age acting drunk and being out for themselves too. The shame is, those people, when they grow up will still be out for themselves. You don't have to create anything amazing or wonderful or beautiful. Life isn't about 'being the best', or 'the first', even though in school, in work, and virtually everywhere we look, we are told that it is. Do you feel like life is against you? Like everything is out to get you, just to tease and wear you down? I used to feel like that, and sometimes I still do. The last couple of years I started to get into a very analytical state, analysing everything, trying to grab hold of everything, and I got so worked up when something didn't work out the way I wanted it to. The funny thing was, I kept getting involved in car accidents. Nothing major, but they kept happening until I started realising that you can't control anything in this life. I was almost shell-shocked into letting go of my desire to control things! It was only when I finally let total go, then things started to look up for me. Not only did I feel better in myself, then I actually started the first steps into a real relationship. I know these are only words. And I used to find little or no comfort in other's words or advice. There is a book I read last year, called "The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success" by Deepak Chopra. You can get it at any bookstore. I recommend it. It won't be easy, but just try and follow some of the advice therein. Just let go. And stop worrying. Yes, it is so hard, when everything seems futile. Even I'm having to learn to let go again, after a relationship ended recently that almost killed me. You don't have to be anything except yourself. Look inside, that's what matters. Ignore all those idiots that only care about what's outside. It will take time, but eventually... EVENTUALLY.... you won't have to worry about them anymore. Good luck...

I have a problem. A very big problem. It is consuming me day, and night. I've become chronically depressed because of it. I've selfharmed, I've smashed up thousands of pounds of my possessions, I drive my car like a maniac, I feel like I'm in a prison of loneliness from which there seems no escape for the rest of my life. It is affecting my health badly, destroying me inside, and affecting my relatives. The reason is, I feel like I have no chance with women. Why do I say that? These are my reasons: 1. I'm an excessively shy, emotional, spiritual person. I care about love, especially romantic love, more than anything else in the world. 2. I'm in my mid-20s, but my interests and beliefs tend to be shared with women older (usually about 10+ years) than myself. I want a serious, altruistic, lifelong, committed, faithful, honest relationship. Because of stereotypes about age, I don't even get a chance to prove myself to the older women that I'm not a stereotype! 3. Online/Offline Dating/Matchmaking services - they are all age-based, and I've had very little response (ie: Less than 5 messages from people with similar interests) after over 2 serious, intensive years of trying them out! Because of my age, I mainly only got replies from immature girls only interested in partying and clubbing - I'm not interested in that at all. 4. Meeting Women in public/social gatherings - in the UK, it's hard to talk to women without being thought of as having an ulterior motive (ie. you want to get into bed with them straight away). You either need to have a genuine reason to talk to women in most places, or you'll be given the cold shoulder (or slap!). People are very closed off in this country. It's one reason why I'm hoping to move to the USA in the next few years. (My ex-girlfriend (only ever girlfriend, for a few months) was American). Everybody is so more friendly in the USA. Over here, people would rather kick you in the balls than say "Hi", "How are you" or "Good Morning". 5. Interest Groups - Again, the UK has a problem a big problem, that problem being that groups/seminars/talks etc. related to my (spiritual, metaphysical etc.) interests are VERY FEW AND FAR BETWEEN - ie: maybe a couple a year which I could get to. In the USA, there are so many groups etc., I could probably get to a group every week if not a couple of times a week. (I've researched into groups etc. in the USA and the UK). 6. The Dichotomy of Attachment and Detachment - Some people say "Love happens when you least expect it", "You can't find love... love finds you" etc. They are saying that you should just get on with life, and somehow love will magically occur. But other people say "You've got to make an effort", "Get out there and meet women" etc. Two mutually exclusive viewpoints which I'm utterly torn betwixed and between. It's a vicious cycle, I'm stuck in an infinite regress between these two beliefs, and it's wearing me down. 7. What Goes Around Comes Around - a lot of people say that if you put love out into the world, not necessarily romantic love, then it will eventually come back to you. Be 'good enough' for long enough, then you will receive a reward. I want to believe in this, I do, but I can't. I used to believe in it, but because of getting so wound up about 1-6, I can't believe in it anymore. 8. Self-Love - I know about self-love, and respecting yourself. That you must first love yourself before you can love another. I'm so utterly depressed and drained because all of the above 1-7, though, that I cannot find the strength to love myself anymore. 9. My ex-girlfriend, she was 38. She was the only person in the whole of my life I had been intimate and truly in love with. (I have endured years of unrequitement previously). Every day, she would profess her 'eternal love' to me, that 'I was the only guy in the whole of her life she had ever wanted to have children with', and she couldn't wait for me to marry her and live with her in America. Then suddenly, one day, she went weird and didn't love me anymore. I did know she had problems, especially from her past, but the way this ended - it almost totally destroyed me, I considered suicide on several occasions. The relationship ended in December, but I'm still not over it totally. The way this ended has totally destroyed my faith and belief in love. I swear on my life, on my soul, that Lucifer himself can come now and I will freely give my soul to his eternal torment, if I speak insincerely: I would have loved this woman forever. For the rest of my life. I would have stood by her and our children. I would have been utterly faithful and loyal and monogamous. Yet, with all these good intentions, I was thrown into the gutter like an unwanted pet. These are the main reasons that I feel like I have no chance with women. I need serious help, and quickly. I've already damaged myself with a hammer again this evening, because I felt so low. I've seen a psychiatrist recently but they weren't much help. All I get is keep getting shunted around to different places and I have to waste hours of my time reliving and explaining the depths of my torment time and time again. And no, I would never touch anti-depressants. I've always known they mess you up BIGTIME. My friend was on them and he's been weird ever since, and a survey published today people are twice as likely to kill themselves WHILST TAKING THEM! I'm a spiritual person, and I should be able to rise above this. But I've been so badly affected by all I have explained - that I cannot see much hope ahead. Everyone pisses me off by saying "Oh, you're so young" and "You've got your whole life ahead of you" and other such crass cliched lines. I cannot see anything ahead. If I knew what to do, I would do it. All I do know is the company of utter frustration, and dire hopelessness, which is making me so angry inside that I have no choice but to vent it by harming myself. I may be one for self-pity and high drama, but I'm clinging to the edge of sanity and this life with but a narrow, weak thread. I'm so desperate. All my life I have EVER cared about is LOVE. And yet, LOVE seems so distant, so far away, that my life means nothing to me. If anyone can help me, advise me on how I can get out of this dreadful hell-hole that is my present life, I am indebted.

This is a common problem... Pornography can become addictive. Believe me - I'm a guy, and I have to use porn as I don't stand any chance with women. I've only ever been with one woman in my life, and that was only for a short time. If a man prefers pornography to you, then you have to make a decision... is he worth it, and can you live without sex? As sex is an important part of a loving and healthy relationship, then you have to consider finding someone else who is 'more into you' than this guy appears to be. BELIEVE ME, there are plenty of more guys more into real sex with real women than this guy is!

It's her choice... if she doesn't like it, then you'll just have to live with it. Try talking to her about it - ask her, honestly, why she doesn't like to do it. Tell her your feelings.... Oral sex isn't the be all and end all of a relationship!

I know exactly how you feel K.O.... I used to think "Why did girls only like jerks?" and "Why don't the nice guys get the girls?" and all kinds of things. I've been depressed for over 10 years because of my innate shyness and lack of confidence. I've only had one relationship ever, with a woman in America, that lasted a couple of months, at the end of last year. And I almost ended up killing myself because it ended. I put LOVE first, beyond anything else in life - I have always been like that, and I know I will be like that for the rest of my life. I have been learning, that love isn't a game - it isn't some sort of race, like all these self-help books, articles, motivators and many many people seem to be saying. Something that I've always hated, but people have been trying to drill through my thick skull time and time again, is - "Love comes from within". I still don't like that phrase. We don't 'find' love - we can share it, we can attract it, we can give it, we can receive it. But we don't 'find' it, we don't 'lose' it, we don't 'give it all away'. We must find love within ourselves first - be happy in our own skin, before we can explore love with someone else. Many people believe in 'soulmates' - and people have different ideas on what they are - a lot believe in a Hollywood-type romantice liasion, where the person is your 'other half' - that you are incomplete without them, and once you are together everything will be magical, easy, and you will be together forever. But things aren't like that, though I believe in soulmates and twin flames wholeheartedly (and I'm a guy To me, a soulmate is someone that you share a similar soul with - someone with similar beliefs, values, dreams and hopes. Someone you might have been with in a previous lifetime. A twin flame is like 'your other half' - almost identical to you, but the important thing to note here, is that you are a complete and individual soul without them. This is called a divine dichotomy - you are a complete soul, yet your twin flame is your other half. Look at the Yin-Yang symbol. That's a beautiful timeless example of twin flames. Not everyone meets a soulmate in each lifetime, and very few meet a twin flame. It can be extremely frustrating, because it's like you have to prove to the universe that you can be totally content, happy and loved ON YOUR OWN, before you are allowed to experience the love and intimacy of a soulmate or twin flame! I agree with you too, on going to bars, pubs, clubs etc. - I *hate* going there. One thing above all - I'm quite an attractive guy, yet I lack the confidence to talk to women. It's not about (physical) attractiveness - it's about inner attractiveness. Apparently confidence, 'being yourself' and being naturally nice (ie. honest, gentle, mild-mannered) are devastatingly attractive to women! I'm naturally shy, and have been trying to work on my confidence, but it's hard for me, and it's taking a lot of courage and soul-searching to face my fears and worries. Talking to women - it's even worse in the UK, as you almost always *have* to play some stupid game to get most women talk to you as they are so closed off and hung up here!!! It's why I'm planning to move to the US within the next few years! I want a long-term relationship (or marriage) more than anything else, but I'm accepting and letting go, realising that it will take time. Believe me, I've experienced the lowest low, the darkest darkness and the most soul-destroying pain and agony from loneliness. Yet I've survived. Many times, I've wanted to give up. Many times. But I know, I have faith, and have hope and trust that I will be able to share love again with someone - and I will! Faith, hope, love and trust - those are the 4 most important things to remember in life. Believe - and you will create! Believe you won't share love, then you won't! Believe you WILL and you WILL. It may take time, but always remember, all the love you need is inside YOU. Once you realise that, you're ready to share it with someone else!