volution

I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news... but I don't think there is much chance for your relationship to last if it continues on like this... You said "I married him because I thought I had the power to change him." and "I was foolish enough to think that he would change one day." - this does not bode well for any relationship and particularly a marriage. I do know a lot of people get married to people they think they can change (eg: Bad Boy to Good Boy). People should get married purely out of love, not for the possible potential of love at some point down the line. (It usually never potentialises). But people only can change themselves. You cannot change him yourself. HE has to change - and that's if he wants to. But by the sound of it, that's very unlikely. Silence can be horrible - I know myself of the emotional damage it can cause. Sometimes people can do it because they are frustrated in themselves - they don't know what to say or do or whatever (when they know something is wrong). Or they can do it out of pure spite or hurt. "I'm always right" mentality is very common among men - my father has it, and it's affected me and my family quite badly on many occasions. It is clear from what you have said, that your husband really doesn't give a damn about his son, nor has any idea about bringing up children. Plus you've tried talking to him, and he doesn't really seem to be bothered. I guess you no doubt still love your husband, though perhaps that's faltering away at the moment? Men have a great talent at bottling up all their feelings, and portraying some kind of macho-image - and it often takes a SEVERE jolt for them to break out of it and realise what damage they (inadvertantly) caused. You must lay it out for him, how you feel about his behaviour. It is unacceptable. Maybe a note or something. Perhaps give him an ultimatum. As you have said, nothing seems to be working with him. You have to find out what he really wants, and perhaps be prepared for the shock that he doesn't really love you. For the sake of you and your son, the relationship cannot continue like this. If you do give him an ultimatum, then it might make him realise he could lose you (and soon). If he responds, then perhaps you'll be able to work out something from there. But if not, then I guess it's clear how he really feels... Good luck.

Have you read the book Bridge accross Forever by Richard Bach? Reading this would be quite inspirational to your situation now. Hard as it might be, don't dwell on your past (rich coming from me, as I can't stop since my break-up in December You can kill yourself by thinking "If only I had told them I loved them". But, you must focus on what you feel now. Follow your heart now... I know, I know, I know oh so well about "One"s - letting someone who might be the only chance of happiness slip by. (At the moment, I feel like I've lost my only possible wife, family and life). I know too about not being assertive - I've lost all my confidence (again because of my breakup), and didn't have much beforehand. All you can do... Is tell her you love her... If you were meant to be, the hidden hands of serendipity will weave what needs to be... In the end, it's your choice. Listen to your heart. Listen carefully. It's gentle voice my be too faint at first, but an answer will come. Tell her your answer... Then it's up to her... Once you have told her, listen for her reply... Whichever way it turns out... don't beat yourself up... If the reply cuts deep, move on. It's impossibly hard I know. Just remember, even in the darkest of hours, that while you are still alive, you can still love, and too, someone can still love you... Perhaps not necessarily this girl... Please also read this little story, I hope you find some inspiration: Letting Go There was once a lonely girl who longed desperately for love. One day while she was walking in the woods she found two starving song birds. She took them home and put them in a small glided cage. She nurtured them with love and the birds grew strong. Every morning they greeted her with a marvellous song. The girl felt great love for the birds. She wanted their singing to last forever. One day the girl left the door to the cage open. The larger and stronger of the two birds flew from the cage. The girl watched anxiously as he circled high above her. She was so frightened that he would fly away and she would never see him again that as he flew close, she grasped at him wildly. She caught him in her fist. She clutched him tightly within her hand. Her heart gladened at her success in capturing him. Suddenly she felt the bird go limp. She opened her hand stared in horror at the dead bird. Her desperate clutching love had killed him. She noticed the other bird teteering on the edge of the cage. She could feel his great need for freedom. His need to soar into the clear, blue sky. She lifted him from the cage and tossed him softly into the air. The bird circled once, twice, three times. The girl watched delighted at the bird's enjoyment. Her heart was no longer concerned with her loss. She wanted the bird to be happy. Suddenly the bird flew closer and landed softly on her shoulder. It sang the sweetest melody, she had ever heard. The fastest way to lose love is to hold on too tight, the best way to keep love is to give it -- WINGS!

By all means... I'm one who hates games too. I re-read your first post.... For god's sake man, if you do really love her, tell her that! Maybe that's all she needs to hear. It's amazing how so many people are afraid to say "I love you" and/or automatically assume the other person knows it! How much real love must past by, because people don't say 3 simple words?... Ahh, I'll leave that for another discussion.... Anyway, send her this card. If you really do love her, tell her that in the card. Say that you will be there for her when she's ready. Say sorry for not answering the phone. Don't continue playing these games - games always end up both people losing! Follow your heart, tell her your highest truth - love can only blossom when there is: honesty, communication and integrity.

The best thing to do, is to not be in contact with her for a while, perhaps quite a long while. It is a noble thing to do, to stand by someone whilst you help them work through their problems. It's what unconditional love is! But if they aren't themselves prepared to go through that work, with you by their side, then I'm afraid they must go it alone. I knew how much my ex loved me, and she said to me on many occasions that she wouldn't find someone like me ever again, that I was the only guy she had ever wanted to have children with etc. But her problems sabotaged her ability to love me, and she pushed me away. In the future, your ex (and my ex too) might realise their mistake, after they have done that work they needed to go through. But it might be too late. They might not come back to you, afraid of you rejecting them after what they did. Or they might come back to you after you've healed and found love with another. But considering how much they hurt you (she dumped you?), the latter path might play itself out. The most important thing to remember, is she has to sort out those issues. "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't force it to drink..." It's entirely up to her to work through those problems, either alone or with you or someone else. If you were both to stick together, you could end up causing even greater resentment between you if she thinks you're trying to change her, when you only want to help her work through those issues. Good Luck!

Valentines Day spurnings can be so horrible... I had one last year I too had a relationship at the end of last year with an insecure woman. She was 38, but had great issues from the past, that she didn't seem able to overcome. No matter what I did to show her I would never leave her, hurt her, abandon her etc., it wasn't enough - she couldn't believe it. I was so destroyed when she left me, it would have been a truly beautiful relationship - we were going to get married and have children. I'd never known a woman like her in my life, and don't think I will find one like her again. Without overcoming the insecurities, etc., the same issues will reflect themselves again in your relationship. If she's prepared to work through them, then that's good. If not, then it will end in tears.

It's a good question... We are all people... Just some people think they are 'more' of a person than others. The allegiance to labels, clothes etc. - I believe people have this because they are lacking something - they are trying to find fulfilment and meaning in their lives. Religion used to provide some of that fulfilment, but nowadays, people bow down to the Gods of Capitalism and Materialism, in the form of TV, Sports, Clothing, Music and more. Few people really care or understand about our true (spiritual) nature in this ever-quickening money-oriented globe. Humans have an innate need to 'belong' - a longing. They long for fulfilment and meaning. Sadly, so many believe belonging to some kind of 'group' or 'crowd' is the ultimate expression and realisation of their true self and will quench those longings. People sometimes change themselves, because they fear they will lose the approval of the group they have alliegied themselves to - that they will be 'rejected' and consequently lose that artificial sense of community and belonging, if they don't conform to the group's criteria. We use 'labels' because most of us don't/won't take the time needed to really get to know a person, so it's much easier to consciously take a very quick decision about a person's nature, and give them a label. That's why physical appearances are so highly esteemed in this world. (Imagine how much is wasted on beauty each year - billions, trillions??!! Just to hide the insecurity of an ugly soul behind a shell that is all most people take notice of and base their decisions on.) We are all unique, and different, yet sometimes we try so hard to 'fit in' with certain groups, and thereby stifle our individuality - we become almost like automatons, giving up our true self, in exchange for a false sense of fulfilment and belonging. We must learn to follow our heart, and our soul. To proclaim our individuality - yet embrace that we are all one. We are all different facets of the same universal diamond - each shines in a slightly different way. How boring would the world be if we were all the same?!

That's why I asked those two questions A few days without sex after some time married is one thing but five days after the wedding!! And the red flag is her comment about not understanding why sex i so important to him. That indicates that this may not be a temporary problem but permanent and that she may have major sexual issues that would destroy the relationship. If they cannot be resolved then he should leave the marriage - the marriage vows also include references to a healthy sexual relationship - "with my body I thee worship".

To be honest, a few days without sex isn't cause for a divorce! Gawd... you must have said along some lines of 'for the rest of our lives' - if so there's plenty of time for sex! What is important here for us to advise you is... ...how long were you together before getting married? ...and what was your sex life together like then (how often)?

Cougar? I'm in the UK and don't know what this means... except a Ford Cougar sports car and a big cat which is on the loose attacking people in South London. Am I right in thinking that a 'Cougar' is someone who prays on someone just for sex? Perhaps an older person going after a younger one, as the younger one might not be so aware? Cougar = Alpha Female? I'm beginning to think my ex was a 'cougar' - she was a sex-mad Scorpio and I'd begun to find out she seemed to have penchant for younger men.....

Love isn't something we can just turn on or off at the drop of a hat. It takes time, somtimes a great deal of time, to stop 'loving' someone. When we love someone romantically, it can be hard to detach ourselves from them. During my trials and tribulations of unrequited love, I found that a creative pursuit can help distract you. Just don't make the mistake of making your beloved the object of that pursuit (ie: writing songs or poems about them!), or that will persist the pain even longer If you're not that creatively-inclined, throw yourself into a sporting interest. If you're not sport-inclined, well just do something - watch films, read a book, play video games to take your mind off them! It's not easy, I know, but dwelling on what could have been, or what might have been etc. can be very self-destructive.... If only we had a real-life Lacuna Inc,

Well - it just shows his level of feeling, commitment and attitude to relationships. That they are just throwaway, and new ones found at the drop of a hat. It's sad that so many men have this kind of mentality. Don't waste anymore of your self on him! He's clearly not worth it. I know, it's hard sometimes, you still feel for someone, still want someone, when even their unsuitability is kicking you in the face! Sometimes people go out with other people immediately after ending a relationship, either to try and not have to deal with the inevitable honeypot of messed emotions, or just to try and spite their ex.

You must never think you killed her - you didn't. It might not seem like it now but you couldn't have known. It will be very hard, but you mustn't dwell on this. Speak to a counsellor if you aren't getting anywhere. You must be strong now, for that new life that was brought into the world. I know nothing can ever replace what you have lost, but cherish this girl, love her like you loved your beloved, and never tell her it was your fault that her mother died. Just that you lost her.

My ex also said to me on various occasions "I don't deserve you", "You are the best thing that ever happened...", "I don't know what I did to get you..." etc. Most people are unfamiliar and often frightened by unconditional love - love that is just given without ask of return or requitement. My ex wanted to do everything to please me, yet when I tried to do things for her, she resented them.

LOL - 23 and 20 ISN'T a 'lot' younger. This in-bred belief that even a few years difference between people is a 'big thing' seems to be utterly widespread!

I'd like to know the opposite! How can a guy tell if a girl has a guy?!

My ex did something similar to me - a little more extreme though. She was 38, her parents had died when she was much younger, and she was quite insecure. She pushed me away by saying harsh things without realising how much they hurt me. I loved her, but when she started to push me away, then the magic of that love started to dissolve. Yet, I didn't just give up like most people would have. I too had some insecurity myself (I'd have never had a relationship before, and I've experienced years of unrequited love), but I tried my hardest to work through things with her. I would have stood by her forever. That is what I feel real love and relationships are - standing by someone, helping each other work through whatever problems you have (no I'm not saying stay with someone if they are violent), but we are all dysfunctional to some degree, and if we just move from relationship to relationship, then we never really learn, grow or heal. In the end, she started accusing me of seeing other people - something I would never ever do. No matter how many times I told her I loved her, and that I would never ever ever ever ever ever cheat on her, leave her or abandon her, she fulfilled her own fear of abandoment, by leaving me. Suffice to say, I'm still having to try and recover from this dreadful mess, I've got to see a psychotherapist tomorrow. I'm even worse off then before I met her - my depression has become manical. And at this moment, no matter how hard I try to be hopeful and have faith, I feel like I will never ever be with a woman again...

"Crazy head over heels" never lasts. It's that initial hormonal-based infatuation that everyone feels must last forever, lest they lose it and then no longer will they be in love. People often confuse this feeling with love, and it's why so many relationships end after about a year or 18 months - lo and behold, that's when the chemicals start to wear off. People think they are no longer in love. Perhaps the best way to describe it is they are no longer in lust! Love and lust - two different things. If you lose lust, but you have love, you can get it back. If you lose love, no amount of lust will ever get it back.... Can you explain exactly why you are not satisifed? You must get to the root of the problem. It could be in the past, as you have mentioned. Do you fear that your husband will leave you? Do you obsessively check for signs and signals that he is doing something unfaithful. You have some kind of unresolved issue(s) to work through. If you can both do this together, then the rewards and the relationship will grow stronger... If you leave and try and find eternal butterflies with someone else, you will end up repeating what happened, and never find true fulfilment. Good luck. Just My Two Pence

Don't worry - I've been in the same boat - the first night I ever made love, I was up for over 6 hours. I couldn't believe it and neither could my ex-girlfriend. She loved it! There's nothing wrong with it! Obviously if it stays that way for more than a day - then I'd start worrying.

Yet again, end of last week, the ugly beast of age prejudice reared it's ugly head. God I'm getting so f***** peed off with people in this world, I'm going to end up dying soon or just not bothering to talk to anyone ever again... Briefly, I have been signed up on a UK-based interests site since last year. I had put down my age as older than myself last year, because I got no response with my real age on various other sites. A woman sent me a message, saying she was quite interested, I sent her one back saying that I put down my age as older and explained the problems I had faced before. She sent me another message, saying oh that age didn't matter to her. I send her one back, telling her of my real age - and guess what? Yep, you guessed it, the sound of silence betrays her prejudice. I really am getting so peed off with people being like this - I've got a right mind to send a nasty reply, though I won't because I'm too nice. I don't know how much longer I can take this though. There is precious little scope to meet like-minded people (ie:spiritual - NOT religious) in the UK with my interests other than through the Internet, so I'm becoming increasingly despaired with the continual pile of dog poo that this universe is serving upon my plate. If I can't even find someone to be friends with in this country, I think I'm going to go truly insane. ](*,)

To start off with, this older man should be ringing your fire alarm bells - "Is it OK to love you?" is most certainly NOT a question that should be popping up so soon. He has a BMW, so what? possessions do not maketh a man. Follow YOUR HEART - that is important. You say this other younger man makes you feel at ease... That's a good sign. I hate to say it, but a LOT of older men will take advantage of younger women - thinking that they will fall for their tricks and plays. That this older man is making so much contact with you should also spike your antennas. Saying that 'he wants to take care of you' - is a warning in itself. He could be trying to find a daughter in you - perhaps one he lost previously or was alienated from. This most certainly is not love. So be careful. On a personal note, I find it sad, that 9 times out of 10, a woman will go for an older man over a younger man, even if the older man is less suitable or even totally a dick-head!

Well LOVE is the most important thing in the world (to me anyway), and to most people, even if they don't (yet) realise it. It's funny you should mention about winning the lotto. We had a TV programme a few years ago here, showing what happened to various people after they won a lotto jackpot. Most of them, if not all of them, they did the things you said - bought houses, paid off debts, bought cars, went on luxury holidays. Nothing creative or imaginative whatsoever. Some people, they still continued working at their old job! I couldn't believe it! How dull some people's dreams and lives are. It seems that most people would do what they continue to already do. The money wouldn't change much about their lives. Yes, perhaps for a year or two the ego-thrill of being a millionaire will give them a false sense of fulfilment and importance and status, but it will wear off. Often we hear about people alienating their friends and family, because they somehow think the money makes them 'better'. Money doesn't make anyone 'better'. Only what someone does with it. I wonder how many people would choose to use their money in an altruistic way - ie: donate some to charity, set up a charitable foundation, sponsor someone/something etc??? I think very few, as so many consumed with their own petty lives... Money has replaced love as our world's impetus. Just read some of the old literature from say 1800s, 1700s, 1600s - tales of people in the pursuit of LOVE abound, not MONEY. So many people think, "If only we win the lottery, then everything will be fine". What if you're dying from some disease, and there's no cure? What if you're hopelessly shy and confidenceless? Money won't help you any amount at all - in fact it might even make you feel worse! It is so sad, that so many people believe that physical/material things will bring them a fulfilled and complete life. What's the difference between a £10,000 Ford car and a £100,000 Lamborghini? Yes, perhaps one will go a bit faster, and has more pleasing asthetics... But they still do the same job. They both just have wheels that go round on a road to get you to some place. I'd rather be starving and in love than lonely and even have £1.... Money can be lost, your heart cannot...

Because they're desperate?! Usually, it's because they're drunk, and just having fun. They do it, because they're 'allowed' to. If you tried to go for a girl's parts, then 99 times out of 100, you'd be slapped or arrested for indecent assault! So why are girls allowed to do it??? Nightclubs, basically are for one-night stands. If that's your thing, then fine. But if not, then it's better to look elsewhere (you'd save money and a hangover )!

Your words sound like from a weary and disillusioned heart... What is love? Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. Love is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. We humans don't need to want. We want to need... We are not all selfish, all the time. Though sometimes we must be selfish - we must think of ourselves. If we were totally selfless, thinking ourselves a perfect martyr, then we would give all that we had away, we would have no food, no clothes. And then we could not continue our good work. Sometimes it's selfish, not to be selfish! The problem is with our world, our society, from the moment we are born, we are brainwashed into believing life is entirely about being selfish - finding OUR job, OUR partner, OUR car, OUR house, making OUR kids, and keeping OURselves tightly knit, and rarely sharing our talents and gifts with one another. We are brought up to believe we are totally separate units, totally disconnected from each other and the universe. Yet, deep down, we all know that we are connected, yet we percieve a lack, a disconnection. And so we try and find connection in love, and intimate relationships. If people didn't derive satisfaction from charitable work ('good work'), then they wouldn't do it! It isn't wrong to enjoy helping others. It isn't wrong to feel good. It isn't selfish. Though the reasons for doing it can sometimes be selfish, or misguided (eg. "If I do this 'good work', then I deserve a reward" etc.). Love isn't something we can lose, it is an energy, a special energy, inside of ourselves. When we love someone, truly, we really are loving ourselves, because they are a mirror of us - and they will reflect back our love. If love is pure, unconditional, then it makes us feel wonderful inside. We love loving! In the end, there is nothing except love. And One. Often, yes, we are guided by the primal instincts of survival to continue on our species. But can we be guilty of being selfish, if we desire to love our children? A mother's love is unconditional. UNCONDITIONAL. She does not expect nor require her child's love in return. That the child of course, mostly, will return her love makes her life even more sweet. Wanting to *share* love with others is nothing to feel guilty about. Sometimes, I wonder, if there is a woman out there, who feels the same way I do about children... that two people who love each other, might want to bring a new life into this world, not just to satisfy their carnal impetuses, but to bring more light, more love into the world. To enlighten that child with an education of philosophy and spirituality, so that when they are gone, she can still continue on, to share that light, and that love with others.... I hope so...

Depressing ain't it !

If you marry someone out of love, then you're marrying them because you WANT to - not becaused you NEED to. If you marry someone out of money, then it's because you NEED to - you have some kind of NEED. And where there is NEED, there can never be real love. The whole point of marriage is to sanctify and 'legally recognize' a partnership of LOVE between two people. When marriage is for anything else than love, it almost always fails, and usually quickly. Most people are dysfunctional and co-dependant to some degree. For example, a lot of people want to marry, for companionship, ie: so they are not alone (fear) - that's OK, but as long as you they don't base their whole reason for marrying someone upon fear of being alone. Many of us still unconsciously buy into the roles of male as hunter/gatherer (ie: provider of money/food) and female as nurturer/healer (ie: sex and tenderness) to some degree.