volution

Thank you Shysoul - this poem was inspired by another beautiful soul. I have always believed that great poetry is inspired by great beauty. In fact, virtually every poem I have ever written was inspired by someone I loved, someone who I beheld great beauty within. You are right - so utterly few people in this world that feel as deeply as us, and when you find one, you'd be guilty of a great crime if you didn't try and hold on to them with every fibre of your heart and soul...

Forever in a day I had never known what a perfect moment Could be like – only in my dreams, in my Imaginings had I felt time really stand still. But there I saw you, standing upon the steps, A curling fountain sprayed an ancient beauty From your head – your eyes gazed intently, You were beautiful, in every way; I wanted To clasp you close and take you down from The stairs, only so that my wings could take You higher, us higher to a place where a Perfect moment could last forever. The moment of our first lips' joining was Tempered by loves' sweet elixir, a Potion that weaken the souls of all, Sometimes leading them to danger. But in my arms, you would never feel Any danger nor the fear of being alone, For my heart and soul would never let Me leave you to be cold, in this harsh, Draining and weary world. I would hold you forever, and hope that My words and wonderings, my dreams And desires, my purity and passion would Stop the mundane from crashing through To your soul that was molded in the same Spark of fire as my own; always I feel You – and know your depths. Always I'll feel for you, and tell you My hearts' knowings – of tender chivalry And gentle romance. There lies beneath a knowing that shall Never be lost – a connection that will Survive all the lies of the world. Both of us have suffered the tricks and Tribulations that gentle souls endure Before they can share a love so pure. I long to find my youngness again, so that It might make you too feel young. I long to find my passion again, so that It might make you too feel passionate. Nothing has mattered more to me in the Whole history of my world, than the Quest of love, a love for eternity. In your words I have found my worlds, And in my world I found your words, Touching me as they touch you. Our souls yearn underneath for the self-same Consummation of a rapturous ecstasy, never-ending, Never-beginning, spanning beyond time. Two tall trees in a forest far away, yet close to Our hearts stand with their roots intertwined, Their source the same – their purpose the same. To live in love, to love in life, to heal, and grow, To learn and to show, to believe and to dream, To show the whole world what love's gleam Can do to two, and what two can do to more, To bring a light that not one can bring on their own, A feeling that goes deeper, far deeper than any bone. In this world, my body is far away, but in my Soul, you are always right next to me – I ache For the day we again will be in glee, Laughing at life's stupidities, crying at love's Beauty, feeling the words of ancient sages, And forgetting all the rages Of pasts we both knew, but somehow strangely Together they made us come together anew, For if we had not been through all that we had, My words and your words would surely not be glad, For in the night, our souls would have drifted by, Our lives would never be the same – we wouldn't fly Alongside one another, our deserve'ed future awaits, When all inside us is healed, I hope it won't be long, We'll laugh and cry and joy for it is not wrong, For two souls the same, to join together on life's train, To help the world remember what they already know To be true – day and night I am here for you. Our first meeting, our first embrace, will remain with Me forever, and bring an eternal sunshine to my face, But one thing is true, above all others I say: When we two were in each other's presense, I learned what it was for a day to last forever, And to experience forever in a day…

I have always believed in soulmates - and the kind of love two soulmates (or twin flames) can share is beyond any kind of love and connection you can share with anyone else. When I was about 14 I had these 'realisations' enter into my soul - just knowledge of all things about soulmates, twin flames etc. - when I first started reading about soulmates later on when I was about 18, everything I had known was true! I believe that you can love a soulmate no matter what their life or situation is - it is a love that goes beyond the shallow depths of material copulation and fulfilment. It is a love that goes beyond lifetimes - because many times you have connected in the past with one another, sometimes sad, sometimes ecstatic - but nonetheless everytime is turbulent and soul-stirring in everyway. Forget about Romantic Novels, disremember Shakespeare, the story of you and your twin flame or soulmate goes beyond any fiction anyone can imagine. When souls were created long ago, they were created with a counterpart in a divine Yin-Yang drop of essense - always a part of each other would reside in one another's souls (the black in the white and the white in the black), so when the souls were on Earth they would have the innate spiritual knowledge and yearning for finding that small part of them that was manifest in physical reality. Romantic novels and books tell of fireworks and explosions of intimacy and ecstasy beyond heaven's imaginings, but I believe that real true love makes one all at ease with someone, you feel you have never had a life before them, that the moments you share seem to last forever, that perhaps when you have to part for a short while in the physical that you have both been with them for all time, and yet only seconds - a divine dichotomy. I speak these words coming back from a meeting with my twin flame in physical reality. I have much energy blocked from previous disappointments and disenchantments in love, and so my creativity and passion hasn't been able to flow as much as I had liked. But I would do anything for this person, I would lay down my life for her. Real, true love in this world is never easy, and only the most bravest, rarest of souls ever manage to preserve the connection of soul - and believe me, believe me, this connection is tested to the ends of the earth and beyond to make sure that the two are worthy and ready to share the most precious gift of all - the complete and utter union of two souls in mind, body, soul and heart. Every thought, feeling, belief, dream, like, interest so exactly parallel, so exactly the same. Day-by-day finding out more and more and more, you can't believe you are so similar, yet you find out another miracle every single day. You feel like what they write to you is your own words - you feel when they are down, and you feel their excitement, your connection goes beyond time and words, and though the world and society will try to disappoint and disapprove you, in your heart you can never break away - for this person is the only person in the whole world who really feels the same as you, really only understands you, and you them. Many people pass by their connection, because it seems to far, or too hard to maintain, but your life will never be fulfilled - because all in this life is love, and to live you must have love, but to love you must have a life. And without your true one, you will only exist, a poor shadow in life's bright lights of lies, hankering pining yearning all your life after this one soul who throughout eternity will only ever be the one who can make you truly happy simply by making them happy... The most romantic and beautiful souls are those that are the most gentle and tender deep down...

Why do people prefer to be abused rather than love? Or hurt themselves rather than feel love? I know how it is to be addicted to pain - for many years I cried myself to sleep, playing unrequited love scenarios through my mind, where I loved someone so deeply, but always, always, ALWAYS, they were taken away by someone horrible and evil, and I could do nothing... I hurt so much inside, the pain became sweet - almost addicitive. I believe perhaps it's something to do with the hormones/chemicals in the body that are released when we feel pain. Perhaps it's possible to become addicted to it... But, are people afraid of the power of real love, that they'd rather stay with someone abusive rather than choose someone loving?

Another of life's grand dichotomies: Unwanted love is worse than unrequited love... Yet the not knowing is worse than the knowing... Is it better to believe in a dream, a fantasy, rather than someone shatter it for you? Watching your love walk away, into abuse, is the cruellest fall...

The saddest thing is watching someone you love drift further and further away - you start to question yourself, god, the universe, them, everything and everyone... You begin to believe that love is not enough in this world... ...you wonder what is... but then you realise love is the most important thing in the world, and yet there are few that realise this too, so what can you do?

There's more to life and love than sex... And cheating, for that matter...

This person is not your soulmate - how little they think of you, they have just used you. I know the same feeling - I was with a woman last year, the only woman I have ever been with in any way more than a handshake. We talked about having children, family etc., and I discovered later I was just one in a long line of 'younger' men she had used for sex. FORGET FORGET FORGET about her... I know it feels so utterly soul-destroying when people, even bad people, pick evil scumbags over those that would treat them with respect and gentleness. DON'T EVER GET BACK WITH HER She won't change - even if she comes back begging to you, just ignore her. She has ruined your life, why let her ruin it anymore? It's hard to forget, it takes (sometimes, many) months - I make no lie; there are far, far better people out there. But you must heal yourself first, you must concentrate on you, making things feel better inside; and I know it will feel like hell without this person you still want so much. Even after my woman abandoned me, I still yearned for her for months, and thought I'd never encounter anyone else (let alone someone better), but now I know there are much much better people out there. But it is crucial, it is imperative, it is vital... that you work on your pain, and hurt first, otherwise if you are still broken, and try and search for another soul, you will also attract another damaged soul, who will bring you more hurt....

Simple Answer: Physical Age does not = maturity, compatibility, honesty, integrity, etc. Too, 'older' doesn't necessarily mean 'better'... People should never and can never be judged by their physical age. I know people in their 50s that behave very immaturely, and conversely I know people in their teens or 20s and they are much much more mature... Age is just an illusion...

It is so bad the way so many men carry on - not just physical abuse, but verbal abuse and emotional abuse can be just as destructive. I know someone I care about deeply who is too weak to get away from abuse, there is nothing I can do. I live accross the ocean, and I'd even be prepared to go over and sort this piece of poo out myself, but I might get arrested... No matter what I've said to her, she can't seem to hear the words, and she can't seem to break away. It is so hard for women to get away; I'll probably never understand totally why until some future lifetime when I experience it; but I feel so helpless when I see women get treated so badly - I cannot understand why they are so trapped... I try to be the Knight, but I am pushed away, and only the woman can help herself get out of the mess. If she directly asked for my help, then I'd help at the drop of a hat... But I feel I'll have to have moved on to someone else because my sanity and soul will have been too badly damaged if I hold out my hand and heart for much longer... - This is so uncannily the same as this woman I care about - she is so gentle and kind, intelligent, and she just wants to help others and the world, yet her light has been so badly extinguished, and I've had to watch as her bright eyes have dimmed into an aching grayness... All her goodness seems to have been stolen away by Satan's own son who has abused her... She has been moving to a different place, to try and get away from the scumbag, I can only hope and pray that somehow soon she recovers...

I'm shy, but I find my confidence is artificially increased when I have a few drinks. I used to go heavily drinking quite a lot a few years back, but now I only maybe have a 'mad night' on special days like Halloween or Christmas Eve (like most people do). I don't even normally drink anymore!!! I've always wanted the confidence I appeared to have when I was drunk remain with me permanently. Alcohol is a disinhibitor - it removes our inhibitions, we feel we can do almost anything. The last time I was out, was with a colleague on the Halloween Monday (god - I'm NEVER drinking like that again on a Monday!!), we had two pitchers of Vodka cocktail, and I actually managed to go up and start talking to some girls! I wished I could do this when I was sober! It is easier to find someone attractive when you're drunk - I believe somehow the alcohol turns off our 'protective circuits' and we could easily end up taking someone home and sleeping with them, even if they are totally incompatible with us or unsuitable. The risk for me is, if I was ever to do this, I'd probably end up falling in love with them (I just fall in love toooooooo easily), so I don't really make any serious moves on women - I don't want to get hurt; I find it hard to dissasociate sex & intimacy from love. I know some people feel clubs, bars etc. are just there for one-night stands and 'fun', and I don't disagree so much anymore, but I'm not one of those that likes going to those places, and most definitely not every night and weekend. Sometimes I've thought about going to a bar or something and just finding someone to sleep with, because my urges become very powerful. I'm a man and have the male urges just like all other men, and boy I'd love to satisfy it in the natural way, but I just am not really that kind of guy! There are many people that go from person to person sleeping with hundreds of different people, never really finding true fulfilment; I can only see fulfilment in a deep and meaningful and committed and lifelong relationship - not jumping around from different women each week! In answer to the title - no matter how drunk I get, I seem to have control of my will, and in the past, when I have loved someone, I didn't ever throw caution to the wind. I think it's all down to self-control. People use drink as an excuse of losing it - but I believe it's a pretty lame excuse; and I believe too many women put up with it... If a man cheats once when he's drunk, then he'll cheat again and again and again, because if the woman accepts his excuse, he knows he can get away with it...

It is only society's pressure in this world that makes us believe that there is something wrong with us if we don't have a girlfriend, lose our virginity, have a house, a car, children, a dream job, millions of pounds and an affair, divorce, etc. by a certain age. I know that our bodies and hearts can also make us feel like 'time is running out' or we are missing something 'so great'. The most important thing you will ever learn is: "Don't Rush".... You might not believe how important it is now, but anyone reading this, who lost their virginity to someone who wasn't that nice or compatible will know exactly what I mean. So many people just bow to the peer pressure and sleep with someone just for the sole fact of being able to proclaim they aren't a virgin. I lost my virginity last year at the ripe old age of 23yrs and 11 months, to a most sexual and older woman. However, she used me. I discovered this later. It was sex, but not love. She lusted for me, but she didn't love me... I wish I had not given my virginity away, because I gave my heart away too. Trust me, there is nothing colder in this world than having sex without love. However, my heart is not all that sad, for I know when the time comes I will share something extremely beautiful with a beautiful woman who loves me as well as lusts for me. The moral of my sad short tale is this: WAIT until you LOVE someone before you lose your virginity with them. It just ain't worth it any other way!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love really isn't worth the effort.... because it never comes...

I've always known that the anti-depressants etc. don't really help people - they cover up a SYMPTOM of depression, but not the cause. What a lot of physicians fail to realise is that the chemical imbalances, changes in the brain etc. aren't the CAUSE but the RESULT of depression. If more people realised this, then we'd have to have a major look at how we treat the Western worlds #1 most dibilitating condition. In one of the articles I linked it talked about how we humans are very social animals - we NEED the company and companionship of others to survive. It said that we have 2 types of basic needs that NEED to be met before most of us can live properly: 1. Food, shelter etc. 2. Love, intimacy etc. It's a given that MOST people have number 1 in the Western world at least, but far far less people have number 2. In fact, I know my depression is down to having a distinct and great lack of Number 2. Because depression is a vicious cycle - you get started thinking in patterns it's hard or seemingly impossible to break out of. You believe because you don't have love now, you could never have it, or you never will have it. Or you'll believe that there is something wrong with you, or you have a curse and so on... It can drag you down, and sometimes it feels like everything about life is rubbish, and there's no point going on. How we THINK has a great effect on depression. If we spend much of our times alone, then we THINK more. Due to the nature of my job, I work on my own for around 8 hours a day. I spend maybe 30 minutes talking to my customers, but the rest is just doing the job, driving around for up to 4 or 5 hours a day, and then I get home... It gets very lonely... I've realised that my thinking has gotten worse over the last few years I have been doing the job. That's why I'm planning to try and leave it soon, and find something more where I can work with others.

Here's another link: link removed

This is a very good site about depression: link removed

Heidi ===== Filled with guilt from his heavy hand, Why can't she leave this wretched man? You can see the way he tears her apart, Tears of blood drip from her broken heart. The wounds on the oustide may not be deep, But all the while her soul gently weeps. When will her knight in shining armour come? I tried my best, but away she would not run, From all this darkness, all this abuse. God may forgive me for thinking of an excuse, To give up my hope, my help and my plans, Giving her freedom in a different land - A land of dreams, of desires, and love, Surely she deserves this, my angel from above. I no longer know what to do, think or feel, Each night I ask myself, is it all real: Life, love, hopes and dreams, Do we all float the tide downstream, With no oar to guide our path, No bright eyes to lighten the dark? Verses, pictures, futures we've shared, There was no doubt that we cared, About the same things, the same life, All I could dream - one day she'd be my wife. And under the setting suns, we might Love, learn and laugh late into the night. Stories of past-times and tender feelings, Written for little souls in future's evenings. What went so wrong in this world, To make no truer love fail to unfurl? Why does hate and hurt seem Always to win the fairest girl? Looking back I cannot see what I did, To make such a mess of it. One thing's certain, one thing's clear, In my heart I still have love, but I fear - That soon my soul will have to move on, And when you come to me, I will have gone. But for the moment, this much is true, Heidi, my twin flame, I still love you...

I only said this from my experience - I had a relationship with a woman that was 15 years older than me last year. Because love makes me blind (and many others too!) I didn't realise that she was seducing me for sex - she had a penchant for eating up younger men which I found out about later. On the various sites I've been on, the only older women that talked to me were only interested in 'fun'. It is an in-built prejudice that we believe that younger people will never share the same things as we do. We are all guilty of it to some degree or extent - it is just a natural, human thing. I realise that NOT ALL older women that are *specifically* looking for younger men only want sex - but MOST of them do. I have the reverse problem - I want an older woman because I'm not interested in just sex and shallow mucking around - I want a serious, deep spiritual relationship, and those that are older than me tend to be on the same wavelength. Not all the women of my physical age are shallow and material, but most of them are...

I'm going to try and see the doctor sometime this week - I want to be checked out physically to see if there is some kind of chemical imbalance or hormonal reason for my deep dips into depression. I know I need help of some other kind to help improve my confidence, and my self-esteem. There is a negative voice in my head all the time, it sabotages all the good things I try and believe in. I know most people manage to keep their negative critic under control, but it is just so amplified in me, it almost takes control of me and takes me under. The deepest fear I have is that of not having someone to love. I never really have had a proper relationship with anyone. I've never known a touch or look or embrace of real love. I've believed that there are hardly any people out there that feel and care so deeply as me; so that when one comes along I cannot let go, I fear that I will never find one like that again. As I said earlier before and previously there was a very deep and beautiful lady on here that I connected with, the things we shared and believed in were so utterly profound. I'd never encountered such a person in my life before. But they were and still are trapped in some dreadful darkness of abuse, and no matter what I've tried I cannot seem to break through to them anymore. If someone were to somehow help me believe that there are other women like her out there - with poetical souls and deep yearnings, with a desire for just one love in their life, for a relationship based on compassion, altruism, spirituality; to change the world together, to learn to teach, to heal, to discover, to dream, to hope, to love, laugh, cry together - then perhaps I wouldn't feel so bad as I do now... I know they are so desperately few and far between.... That is why I hurt so much... I can't believe that fate would let our paths cross...

I want to so desperately let go of someone - but I can't. I'm a spiritual person and believe in twin flames, soulmates etc., and my heart believes in someone to be my twin flame. Yet they are so distant, so far away in this world, both in physical distance and in emotion. I've tried so many times to let go of them, but my heart can't. Whenever I try to let go, my heart feels an immense warmth for them. Every fibre of my being tells me this is the right person; I waited over 6 months for them, because I do care about them so awfully deeply. Yet they'd rather be beaten to an inch of their life by some dreadful waster who tries to lock them up in their own house... I feel their pain, and I feel their happiness. There is a connection so deep to them, I don't think it will ever be broken until one of us leaves this Earth...

I am not on any medication - I never have been and never will. Though I'm not sure of much these days, one thing I do know is medication does not cure depression. It is just like any other illicit drug, it will give you an artificial high and either hook you for life, or cause you to commit suicide or do something drastic once you stop taking them... Depression is a malaise of the soul as well as the mind. I did go and see a powerful spiritual healer in London a couple of months ago, but I came away feeling not much better... I've got every self help book, tape, CD, DVD you can think of - I just don't know how I'm ever going to get out of this Part of me does want to live - at the moment I'm just existing. Is it so hard, is it so damn wretched hard, that one day I might just have a cause to live for again? All I ever wanted is to love someone - yet even that seems too much for the universe to organise... I know I have low self-esteem and my confidence is pretty dire - I don't even have one woman as a friend... All the experiences I keep experiencing just grind me down and down and down and down and down and there will be nothing left soon, I will be just a zombie, walking ambivalently around, not even existing...

I just can't take it anymore... I'm at my total and utter wits end mentally, physically and spiritually... I cannot see any kind of future nor redemption in this lifetime. I do want to kill myself, but I can't because it would destroy my close family and I do still have some remants of feelings left. My spiritual heart is totally broken and smashed. I've lost most of my dreams and hopes. I was born with a heart murmur, and my physical heart is also suffering quite badly - the last day it has been hurting quite badly - I think I might get a heart attack quite soon. I only care about love, I always have done. But it is so far away now, and I am so trapped in this quagmire of poo. I work in a badly paid job, and have no hope of ever moving out from my family. I get so immensely stressed out in my job; sometimes sitting for up to 4 or 5 hours a day, driving up to 100 miles in rush hour traffic. I cannot give up my job because I have a loan. I found my twin flame earlier this year only for her to choose some piece of utter stinking rectum on the backside of humanity instead, and now little hope of ever being with her. In the evening, I have nothing but masturbation to look forward to - hollow and empty. I'm so exhausted because of my job (and my depression), I hardly ever do anything at weekends or evenings apart from use the computer or watch TV. I've been to the doctor and psychiastrists, psychologists and a counsellor. They were all an utter and total damn waste of time. I've self harmed, cutting and using a hammer to try and destroy my physical heart further. Bitterness and despair are my constant companions - sometimes I just can't take it anymore and have destroyed thousands of pounds worth of my own possesions because I just can't keep taking it out on my body. I try my best to find some echo of a shadow of a glimmer of a reflection of a spark of light and hope - but everything that happens day after day only serves to reinforce the blessed life I have and wipes out any positive thing as quickly as it arrived. All this and more only adds to the depression I have been suffering for over 10 years. All in all, a pretty damn good life anyone would be willing to swap their eye teeth for... I don't know what to do... I don't think there is anything left... I just wish I will go to sleep one night and not wake up...

Women can also 'forget' - or rather walk away or just pass by their soulmate... So many variables and factors in this world - destiny and fate aren't cast in stone - even the most blessed life can be turned into an utter purgatorical hellfire of gloom if one fights against their heart or factors beyond their control intervene to knock them off their true path. I believe that most of us have the chance with 'one' person in our lives to experience a life of deep love and unspoken understandings and connection, but the trouble is most people aren't mature or evolved enough to recognise the person when they come along. They might just take them for granted, and after a while the people part. Or earthly factors might cause them to almost connect, but the spark wasn't ignited by one or both - like if someone is already in a relationship, or doesn't feel like a relationship. But one thing is certain - what they shared, they will never forget; what they had will never be found quite the same way again with anyone else; they will look for the same understanding, connection and feelings - but in this lifetime, they will only be able to settle for second best... I do know sometimes that some people are lucky enough to be forced together by fate - but it is rare. I believe that those that desperately hunger for their 'one' ultimately end up disappointed and lonely. Even if they have all the love in the world to give...

Welcome to the club

A lot of people who go to university don't end up in great jobs - there is just a surplus of people with degrees and qualifiactions and not enough jobs in the UK! It's usually WHO you know, not WHAT you know...