amaranth_04

Hi, vitalcoaching gave you a few pointers there. You just have to remind yourself how to approach it and stick with it, not much else to be done. I agree with princess and lisaria that you need to back off. You want to know about the divorce, then you have to deal with hearing about it; you can't make him say only what you want to hear. If you don't want to hear it, then don't ask about it. He does have a lot to handle at the moment and he probably isn't too concerned thinking, ''am i saying the right thing to spanishpet, should I not have said this...'' etc. He's very consumed about sorting thru his divorce, so perhaps you're best off involving yourself in other activities to balance the current unbalance in attention.

Hi, I agree with the previous posts. It's not fair of him to keep you hanging this way. He doesn't want to (whether or not its 'cos he's ready doesn't really matter) make the effort to be with you. And it's not fair throwing crumbs to you this way to keep u interested just in case whatever else he has in mind doesn't turn up. I'll even say he has his eye out for someone else, he may not even have met her yet, but he's looking out for what he feels could be a better deal and if that doesn't work out, you'll still be around so he needn't worry. If he really wants to be with you, he would be ready to work at it. If you really want something, you will make it known and go after it. Since you're feeling better hanging out with friends. carry on with it. Let him be, don't let him contact you for a while 'cos it seems that when he does, it confuses you. I know you still feel the love in your heart, but step away from the situation and you'll be able to judge his actions more clearly.

also making sure you're shaved helps, esp with odour.

Hi dpressedone89, You have every right to be on this earth as the next person. It's not easy believing this when your self-esteem is low. But you have to take little steps to get to believing it. Think of something that you can do, some hobby that won't bring out any violent tendencies but will instead work to calm you. Try and recognize what it is that sets you off and try to stay away from that. Instead focus on implementing things that work against setting you off, that calm you down. This also includes people. Be around people who make you feel good. But discern what is good. Above all, do it for yourself. You will never leave you, you can always count on yourself, so make yourself the most important concern. Do you cut 'cos you need to feel a physical pain to take away the mental anguish? It is a lot easier dealing with something when its tangible. When you can see it, instead of just floating around in your mind. First of all, you need to get control of your thoughts. Meditation does help. Calms you down enough to help you focus just that bit more. Next, change your thinking. Don't obsess over negative thoughts as that will only encourage more negative thoughts. Look through self-help books that guide you through thinking positively, give you practical tips on achieving that. Reinforce positve thoughts with positive actions and vice-versa. When you can get a better hold over your thoughts, you can see where they are stemming from, and work on re-directing your thinking to induce better feelings. You have to believe that you have just as much goodness to give and receive as everyone. Those who do not appreciate it are not worth your time. Though it is hard, take these trials with the attitude that they will strengthen you. As the saying goes, ''That which doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger''. You owe it to yourself to not give in. You have to be around to experience the strength that will come each time you get through a difficulty. You've come this far, it is worth your while to keep going. In the meantime, you have to make a conscious effort to improve your circumstances. Small steps each day til you get there. You have to mix positive thinking with positive acts to see the improvements. Stop doing things, such as cutting, that may give you temporary relief, but don't have much impact on a long term one, and will only worsen the situation. eventually. Take things one day at a time. There's another saying which goes something like - when you live one day at a time, you will have lived every day of your life. Think positive, you deserve your life and will make it a worthwhile one.

If you do go after her, and your friend sticks to his plan, you will quite likely start seeing less of him til he fades out. You do mention being afraid of losing the two friendships, but you seem just that bit more concerned about whether she will reject you. You say the two of you seem comfortable yet you worry quite strongly over a rejection from her. Perhaps her ambivalence is reflective of her current status. If you do wish to pursue her, I'd suggest having a talk with your friend after they break up. Normally, I wouldn't encourage getting together with a friend's ex, definitely out of the qn if they were serious. However, seems like your friend doesnt even like his gf all that much. So maybe he won't be as heartbroken. However, there is a high chance of awkwardness if the three of you get together, him, you and, your new (friend's ex) gf. Definitely let him know your intentions instead of turning up one day w your arm around her. Perhaps, you could briefly mention you liked her right from the start but decided to step aside to let the two of them pursue it. To see whether or not she will reject you, you will have to risk being rejected and ask her. After they break up. Just make sure she feels the same as you and wishes to make something of it before you seek your friend's approval. And don't make something of it til after you have his blessings. That way if she doesn't wish to pursue it, you would not have unneccessarily risked your friendship with your friend. If you really feel she's worth it, then well, ok. But also keep in mind your friendship with your mate. Also, you have a friendship with her now. If you try for a relationship and it doesn't work out, keep in mind you can lose her friendship, as well. So in essense, lose both friendships.

Hi, I agree with what was written in Sortakinda's post as one possible explanation. But just as an impt aside, not to fuel your paranoia if that's all it is but - Has something happened before or been happening for a while for you to immediately jump to a suspicious conclusion? It seems something has happened that is leading you down this 'paranoid'' line of reasoning, be it real evidence or gut feeling. And you looked out for her reactions after (noticing that she noticed you noticed, her staying awake) to perhaps confirm legitimate(?) concerns? If everything really has been and is fine, then well it's just as you stated, paranoia. edit - just wanted to add something.. do you read into things too much in other areas of your life, and have found out after that yes, it was just paranoia.. or are you normally trusting and something's just not right in your gut this time.. ? you may wish to consider that..

Hi Johy, Was it more of a break than a break-up.. did you set out any terms before you started NC. Did he know what you were doing.. did he know what you hoped to happen after NC.. it all depends on the reasons for the break, and if it was just a temporary break, the terms. Well, not really whether or not he had a right esp. if the two of you did not set specific terms.. But yes, it's not really nice to have the girl in the house you shared so soon after, when you still have your things over there, and misleading when he had just previously said he misses you. It does not seem that specific terms were set. And if it was a break-up, and you weren't picking up his previous calls, then you can't stop him from moving on.

sure, people deal with things differently but a decent person would deal with things considerately. I wanted to say exactly as rat_freak has said but I knew you would still say she loved you, so I tried to get to the same advice more subtly. Ok, nevermind for now whether or not she really loves you, obviously her ''different principles'' aren't working for you. In fact, you're hurting terribly from them. So do consider, is she suited to you? Love is a lot more than just the rush of feeling you get when you're in love. I think you can choose to fall in love with someone who suits you. It's about getting to know a person who you are compatible with, getting past the initial rush, and investing in it further after you feel there's compatibility. Of course in your case, she led you to believe she was such and such right from the start, so you didn't really know her the way you thought you did. Now you're seeing her for what she is, and she's obviously not for you. You're not willing to admit it, hopefully, yet. I honestly believe that actions speak louder than words.

just a note on that.. see why you need more proof now. to prove something to yourself.. or try and see if you can work on it, tho u had already taken steps to prepare yourself for this.. that says something.. and seems to be steps to ease off the relationship rather than deal w a possible outcome.. that says even more.. and that goes back to seeing if you really want to work on it.... or trying to ease a bruised ego.. ? nothing wrong with that. but just to be clear to yourself why you need more proof.

You called it a day, but was she with the new guy before that ? Betrayal is hard enough to deal with, but harder still when you're both at opposite ends of the globe. Obviously the two of you hadn't really worked thru the previous situation, thereforeeee, the trust issues when she went away. You spent the night with a girl cos you were in terrible pain over news of the other guy.... what was her reason... matters more if hers happened before you ended things.. if hers happened after, was it for the same reason as yours.... you felt worse after doing it.. remorse ?..... does she feel the same way..... or is she moving on ? Try to ease contact with her for a little while, til the immediate ''can't think straight'' pain goes away, and step back from your situation and see what's really in it.. is there a future for it.. a happy future.. ? You're in depression and experiencing anxiety, so you need a better hold on those before you can make a more informed decision. Now til July is over a month away. What you feel like doing now, you may not feel like doing then. Right now, you're thinking through hurt and so you aren't really thinking straight. Work on getting better control over the anxiety, don't act rashly through drunkenness. In fact, if you really must get drunk, do so in the safety of your bedroom with a (sober) friend who can watch over you. But don't make it a habit.

Yes, another sign. Like they say about people who are guilty themselves but make baseless accusations of the other party of the very act they are guilty of. I don't think you accused her; you asked a very reasonable qn given the evidence, so you are not in that category. Like what others have said, she would be trying to defend herself if she were innocent, instead of being more bothered about who told you. Makes it seem like she would like to have her way with them for 'squealing' on her, instead of confronting to clear her name. Sure, if she were innocent, she would have gotten angry at first for being wrongly accused. But her anger would have turned to agony at losing you, the five years with you, and she would have tried to find a way to make you see you got it wrong, and be more concerned about why you would think that and try to communicate with you. Those messages on your phone are obviously the reaction of a guilty person who is angry at being caught. Trying to put the blame on you when she's wanting out. Good to hear that you took steps easing yourself off weeks prior to this. Keep going.

Hi emotional, I am sorry to hear that this happened to you. What his mother and sister said is utter nonsense. If he was brought up with that sort of a mentality, that explains his disillusioned behaviour as though he has been wronged. Anyway, enough of him. It seems you are taking this stronger than most. Just be concerned about making choices for your own well-being, as obviously no-one else is, esp not the person who should have been the first one there for you in any difficulty but instead caused the greatest pain. As OceanEyes said, do you have family near you who could lend you support, good friends as well? You may feel like you can't go through it alone at some point, and you don't really want to turn to your husband in a moment of weakness, until you have decided fully what you want to do next. In moments like those, it would be best to be able to turn to people who have your well-being at heart. No one deserves this treatment, and you have every right to take as long as you need to think about what you want to do about this, just hopefully not at the expense of keeping your life from going forward. If you choose to go back to him, he has to help you heal and make amends for as long as it takes, and not before. For what he has done, that's not too much to ask for. I hope you start feeling better in time.

Yes, I agree with the post above. When the topic of your ex comes up, just say things that show you care, but not much more. It will get back to your ex. Anything further that needs saying or knowing, should be done directly.

Sure, it's nice to receive something for your birthday, even if it's just a note to know they remembered. How close is your relationship (I know you've yet to meet) ? Sometimes, it could be to pace yourself just so you don't get hurt. What I mean is, do you think he feels since he's yet to meet you that perhaps he's not willing to go all out with exchanging gifts etc, sort of watch the emotional investment ? Even if that were the case, and esp since you've been chatting for quite a while, know the other's address and are planning on a meet, a card at least would be nice. Just to show they're thinking of you on your birthday. If you don't receive anything, try not to write it off. Ask him about it, along the lines of ''you know, I'm rather sentimental and would have loved to have received something from you on my b-day.. nothing out of the ordinary, just to have something from you, to know you remembered...etc''. Also, look into other aspects of your interaction. If he's considerate, this may just be one of the things that he doesn't see as a big deal. But put it to him that it's important to you and that should be enough to get him thinking of something to give you. Keep in mind that money could be tight for him and that's a rather delicate issue to broach. An e-card in that case would be just as nice.

There's no smoke without a fire. If a good friend has told you this, not someone being spiteful, and a few good friends as well, and esp. if your gut is telling you this, well then I think you have your answer. I remember reading your post under another topic (do all men cheat) where you mentioned your relationship and you did not sound too happy. (Not sure if you had heard this news then) If you truly believed her and she never gave you cause to not believe her, you would have jumped to her defense upon hearing the ''rumour''. Quite obviously you did not. Another sign there. You may not get the truth from her. I'm stretching it a little but she may not have gone all the way with these other men, but I think it's safe to say that she has done stuff that have crossed the boundaries of your relationship. More often than not, there's always some truth circulating with a rumour.

I agree with what mattyboy said. I would like to add that it depends on how serious of an ex she was. If they were merely dating, not intimate, then yes, do ask your friend to see if he's cool with it. If they were serious, I'd advise to not even go there, esp if he's a good friend. Personally, I see friends' exes as off-limits. If you go for the relationship, the friendship is likely to come apart.

Keep going, yasmina. It's not easy to put away the love in your heart but it's good to know that you are no longer blinded by your love for him; that you can see him and the situation for what it is. That's progress, a hard one to arrive at, and you're there. There's a part of your poem - - which reminded me of a quote about the way a woman loves : When you have loved as she has loved, you grow old beautifully. ~ W Somerset Maugham ~ (1874 - 1965) I know we still have many years to go, and this is an experience we pick up on life's journey, but it's good to know that we actually do gain even when we suffer a loss. Thank you for your poem, it was a meaningful read.

Yes, definitely leave it be. You don't want to be a part of any of that mess. Not worth the slightest effort. Instead, focus on moving on and leaving all of that behind.

Hi arielle, Do what feels right for you. Your parents have valid concerns but they still see everything from the perspective of the society they were brought up in. Just to use one example, dating. In your mum's time and the culture of the society she was in, romantic relations were most likely only established after marriage. thereforeeee, she can't quite see how dating would be of any use. She has a valid concern in something serious coming out of an unplanned moment. However, all you can do is show her you're responsible, and when you feel ready, go out and look for the experiences that are available to you. For all you know, if she had those same options herself, she may have made use of them. The thing is, make use of the opportunities you have to better yourself. Not all things need to be experienced, like drugs, to have a full life. It's all about priority, responsibility, making smart choices. You can't always please another and you have a better chance pleasing yourself. Just 'cos you don't do as your parents do, doesn't make you a bad person. Just a different one from them. However, having said that, you will take into account what you have been brought up with so you don't have to worry that you will alienate them. You've taken their culture and the culture you're growing up in to make both your own. Lots of times, we all want the same things but we respond in various ways and achieve them differently. So don't feel bad about making use of the options available to you now. Your parents will see that you can be just as responsible as them even as you embrace ideas they are not familiar with.

Yes, silence is the best weapon here, but don't concern yourself with using it for revenge. Use it to heal yourself. Stop contact. As kungfumaster said, if you need closure, talk to him. Instead of listening to his ''i miss you'' lines, steer the conversation to what you want said, tell him to not contact you, and start the process. He does not seem remorseful over what he has done, so why would you want to entertain him? It's not easy, but you deserve better than what he has given, and what he quite obviously will continue to give, easy to gather that from his lack of remorse. Granted, people do make mistakes, some mistakes bigger than others, but they express true remorse after and make real changes. Some others exploit the kindness shown and intentionally behave in a very inconsiderate manner. He seems to be the latter kind. Look to people you can count on to get through this.

I would have said to have been with someone for 8 1/2 years and not have a commitment is lacking. However, the two of you got together at a relatively young age, so such matters will usually take a while to come into the picture. I agree with what Athena said. What you know/want at 17/18 is usually not the same as what you want now, things develop, things change, esp from your teens to adulthood. You need to have an open discussion with your bf. You may think marriage is a natural progression, but get his real thoughts in. Don't rely on things he said when he was 18 or 20 to base your assumptions. You may have to start from scratch on these serious discussions, cos most likely his thinking would have changed as he grew up. Talk to one another about what you want out of life now, and where each of you is heading. Then when you know what the other wants, you can start making plans on how to get there together.

Hi there, I'll give my view on how I see it, pls don't take it personally, it is only an observation, not to cause offence. I feel the situation is being blown out of proportion a little. What clued me in is the part where u said : That seems a bit immature to me. And it was reflected again when you confronted your best friend about your other friend's invitation. She was right in saying what she did. Your other friend is friends with you and your ex. Perhaps she did not want to call both of you to the same party in case things got weird. You should ask her directly if you want to know why you weren't invited. It is up to her tho if she wishes to keep in touch with your ex. If you can't handle that, then best to just stay away. You shouldn't put others on the spot. When you're feeling down, of course you look to those closest to you to give you comfort. But be careful not to vent all that has happened to you on them, they did not break up with you. You said she was there for you two months straight, but you can't drag yourself down and her with you. She is there to help you out, but you owe it to yourself to do the hard work of keeping yourself together. If you want to call your best friend, do so. Instead of confronting, just be open. Discuss your concerns matter-of-factly, instead of handling things in a tit for tat fashion. Whatever she does, you can choose to hold up your end of the friendship, and by being there for you two months straight, she has. If you can have an open adult discussion with her, have it. If not, just leave it be.

I know, sudden endings are not nice. You can't really predict how another will react. Even you yourself may react differently when circumstances change for you. It is a let-down when you still want to try, are willing to try, and the other party seems to let it all go so easily. Direct these energies onto something/someone worth the effort. Of course it will take time to get over this before you feel like starting anew with another. Many on here have said do something for yourself, esp at a time like this. And I'll say it again, spend all that attention that you've got to give on yourself. You're the one person who will never let yourself down. Hope you start feeling better.

She may realize she's made a mistake, or she may not. She may realize it tomorrow, or in ten years. She may even think she made no mistake. If she's not willing to try, you're fighting a losing battle. I know you feel you were happy with her and will be happy again with her, it's natural for you to want to feel happy but don't let her control when/how you should receive that happiness. Achieve it on your own terms.

Get up and do something to get your mind focussed on something else. At that hour, it would be a bit of a challenge to find something to do, esp if you don't live alone. Are you good with computers, web design ? You could try setting up a web page based on one or a few of your hobbies, let's say. In the day time when you find yourself thinking about her, you could go looking for information to fill onto that web page. Then when you wake up thinking of her, just start typing away, scanning in pictures etc. Just anything really to get your mind onto something else, even for a little while. Then when thoughts of her get less obtrusive, you will find it easier to switch off for a while and go back to sleep. It's an ongoing thing. You have to make a conscious decision to get yourself thinking about something else, if only for a little while. Break the monotony up a bit, or you'll find yourself going back to thinking about her again. Find some new things to get your mind engrossed in, it will be easier to deal with the invading thoughts. During calmer times, make a note of what you could do to help ease your mind when you're not as calm. Hope this helps some.