amaranth_04

Give her a few days to respond. If she doesn't, try calling her at a time you're pretty sure she'll be in - just to give her the benefit of the doubt, in case hmm her answering machine broke down when you left that previous message. If you get the answering machine again, just leave a message where u briefly mention having left a previous one and that you'll leave it to her to get back in touch, all said in a friendly tone of course. Then do leave it to her to return the call.

Hi there, I don't see how it's any of her business to know your sexual life, on a first date. And you were under no obligation to tell her. Of course, it depends what this date meant to each of you, whether you were gonna go further with her right then. Then she has a legitimate reason to know, I suppose. But if it was just a 'hi - getting to know you' type of first date, which is how I would view dates, then I would not entertain private qns such as those.

sounds good. You can always create a good occasion later and have a more in-depth meeting then with her family.

Hi kholdstare, The indifference could be bcos she's had time to work through her feelings and let you know only towards the end. Did something or someone happen on that trip away.... you could find out and it may be less puzzling for you, but quite likely she's not really going to be specific on why her feelings for you disappeared. If nothing (or no-one) happened on that trip, or even b4 that, then it could be that she felt like the two of you just drifted apart and her feelings just slowly died and the trip made her realize it. The engagement rings sound serious but perhaps after that, she realized just how serious things are and will get, and she re-evaluated the relationship and decided it's not really for her. So that could be another reason. I think there's always reason, just that you will either not get told cos they don't want to tell you, or they don't quite realize it themselves, but it's there.

Hi Silent Man, Going good, how are you.... btw, thnx for the compliment on another post.

Hi singerforaserenade, She obviously likes you as she asked to hang out, but whether she likes you that way hmmm.... you can't force it, but if you continue to be the way you are which she already likes, maybe she'll watch you closely and her feelings could develop. It's not something that can be made to happen, it will be up to her. You can check to see how her feelings are coming along by maybe making one of the outings a date, not too heavy stuff, just to gauge her response to having a date with you as opposed to just hanging out.

Hi again, (I replied earlier based on your first post, and saw the others after I was done.) So you are feeling the pressure. Don't cave in. If you would rather not involve your parents, then involve your friends. Make it like a group situation rather than one-on-one esp if you feel you can't trust your reactions if you're alone with her. If that's not feasible, and it has to be just you and her, choose a venue that wouldn't really be conducive to doing intimate stuff. Meet at a mall for eg. hang out at the mall, and say goodbye at the mall. Don't be all alone with her in a quiet place. However before you meet her, ease off on the love bit online. Tell her your concerns, that you really like her, but you'd like it to be a bit more casual, get to know her as a friend in person. It may be difficult since you've already gone further than friends online, but you still have the opportunity to start on a different footing as you have yet to meet in person. Use that to steer things in a different direction. Since you are not ready, don't force yourself to be. Only thing you can do is explain to her how you feel and that it's not a rejection. But don't give in to the pressure just to make her happy, if it's not right for you.

Hi ashcorey, I'd advise meeting up as friends, if deep down you really want to meet up. I'd advise more like having a pen-pal come visit, so you would have to involve your parents. The reason I suggest this, is you're 14, and she's going on to college soon, so she's more like 17 going on 18 ? I feel like a gap in that phase of your life is too big. You could have a bit of a sticky situation further down the track if you don't put things in perspective. I don't mean to say you can't fall in love at your age, people can't help their feelings most times, but do keep yours in perspective 'cos right now is the time for you to make friends, get a feel of the sort of people you like to hang out with, who are good for you etc, instead of getting serious on one. I don't want to sound condescending, but I feel you will have a better deal hanging out as friends. You can always wait til she has settled into college life, then have a chat with your parents that you have a friend whom you would like to come visit. If you don't really want to meet up, then don't. Keep the chat going as you have, or perhaps ease off a little. Soon she will be going to college meeting people her own age, and she will get caught up in college life, so keep that in mind, too.

Hi azure, It could be any number of reasons why he's acting this way, the underlying one being as he says he doesn't love you anymore. He's not interested in the relationship, either you never really suited him, or problems in the relationship pushed him away. If the problems were too big for him to want to work on, we come back to the suitability issue. Anyway, the thing here is that he does not love you anymore, for whatever reason, be it what i suggested above. It would be relatively easier for him to move on 'cos like he says he doesn't love you anymore, feelings could have died 'cos of the reasons above or 'cos he has his eye on someone else. Either way, the 'why' doesn't quite matter now, as he has made it perfectly clear about his feelings for you. You can't force someone to love you. If he's already gone so far as to tell you this, I'm not sure why you would still want to bank on it by sticking around, giving him space. I don't mean to sound harsh but I do think it's time you moved on, as it seems he has.

Hi again, I read through your post again and saw that when you did ask her out in the beginning, it was a date. She backed out on her feelings after then. If she's ignoring you, let her be or you'll only get burnt further. I know you want to apologize to make sure things are cool between the two of you but sometimes, some people just aren't interested in hearing any of it, you know. It's not nice to string people along but that's how some people are sometimes. She said she didn't want to hurt your feelings but she already has, so why don't you not hurt your feelings yourself and distance yourself from her?

Hi erimus, I think there was a miscommunication on what each of you saw in and expected out of the time the two of you spent together. She probably saw you as just a friend. Maybe she spent all that time with you to see if you were more than that to her and then decided you weren't. As long as she did not string you along, you can't hold it against her for getting herself someone she can have romantic feelings for.

Hi diverp, Yes, offer to go, but also ask her what she'll prefer, whether it'd be too much pressure from you meeting the family for the first time and at a funeral, too. It could work with some families but you've said there could be some family friction and this just might add to it. But do ask her what she'll prefer, 'cos bottomline, you want to be there for her.

another ? Did he tell you she's just a friend ? If so, suggest meeting this ''friend'' together and see if he's keen. If he isn't, start questioning why he's with you, and more so, why you are with him.

Hi again, It's good that you are facing all aspects. It will take time. Yes, when those scary feelings come, calm yourself and think positive thoughts, that you're doing great getting yourself to a better state. In time, those feelings will be much easier to control and you will be able to stall them w/o letting them get the better of you. Just know the feelings are normal; you're so used to being with her, now you're not, a bit like separation anxiety. Work them over with positive thoughts/actions and the positive feelings you get from thinking good thoughts, doing things that make you feel good will reinforce themselves over these other scary feelings. In time your brain will recognize what it needs to do to keep these scary thoughts from getting to you. Your mind and body will adapt psychologically and you will see that you will be better prepared in future. You are already doing well. Take your time, you will be fine.

Hi wanderingalonenow, I agree with what silent man said. It's good that you have made / are making changes to improve yourself. However, it does seem that these changes are primarily based on hope or even certainty that you will get back with her. Sure, do what you need to get yourself over the immediate pain, but don't lose sight of reality. Now that you are in a better position to look at things, take them for what they are and don't inject so much hope into what's not there. If you build yourself up this way, it will come crashing down on you if it does not happen the way you want it to. I think you could be helping your pain along by pretending it's not really over, just a hiccup on life's journey. Yes, you need to do what you have to to get yourself over the immediate pain of the time when you weren't eating, sleeping. However, don't set yourself up for a worse pain further down the track. You may or you may not get back with her, keep in mind that the latter could happen, too. You should concern yourself with getting on with your life with what you have right there with you now, and she's not there really, is she ? I am not trying to make you feel worse but I hope you see things clearly, and watch out for wishful thinking. It may be harder to get over the stark truth but you will get over it and be truly better for it.

Hi heart4chris, There are a few different types of yoga available, there's one which is purely breathing exercises/meditation to focus the mind (hatha yoga), then there's another that incorporates stretching poses (ashtanga yoga) which is more of a work-out. Power yoga is based on this. They are basically interlinked but concentrate on different aspects. You don't have to be very flexible to get started, you will see yourself moving along the more you practice. Of course it will take a long while to gain total control of the mind but there are immediate benefits, overall good feelings in mind and body. Try calling a yoga center for more information. A lot of gyms conduct classes as well, but you may want to try a yoga center first to gather information on what's out there. Websites also are helpful but talking with someone who teaches the classes will give you a better idea. Most offer a free first lesson so you get a feel before signing on. Just a note - check the qualifications of your teachers as it is easy to get injuries depending on the type of yoga you do, and working with a qualified instructor will keep the injury at bay. Try it, it feels good.

Hi no6, What did your counsellor say about your current state of mind... it sounds like an anxiety attack to me, or could even be a panic attack. Have you tried discussing this with your doctor ? See one first, see if you can get a diagnosis, once you know what it is exactly, then you can start addressing it suitably. Don't make any rash decisions on your marriage til you sort this feeling out first.

Hi Hattriq She is feeding her ego. That's why she would want you to want her. She's probably wondering how after 4.5 years you seem to be able to move on quite coolly. Nevermind that she has thrown away the 4.5 yrs herself so easily of course. She can't believe how you can get over her, did she not matter at all to you etc, that's one way she could be thinking. Not out of concern for you or really wanting you, but to feed her own insecurities. She's just angry that you seem to be taking this well. She's trying to get a reaction out of you, anything, be it anger or despair, a reaction to show that you still feel for her; any reaction is always better than indifference. That's why she keeps rubbing it in your face. She perhaps wants everyone else to see she's got a great situation going, as you've said people see through what's happened yet she's trying to play the victim. She could be having second thoughts about her current situation with the other guy, esp when you have behaved most decently and there seem to be more people on your side than hers. I think you have held up pretty well. In this situation, no-contact would work. It is rather hard having to see her everyday, and parading her guy the way she has is in bad taste. There are a lot more she has done which is in bad taste, I'm sure you can see. If you really cared about the person, even if you were no longer in love with them, you wouldn't leave them to live out of a car. But of course, you wouldn't mess with their feelings by throwing yourself at other guys in the first place. So take comfort in the fact that you need not wonder about her thoughts and actions any more. You should work on getting yourself feeling better. It's good that you can be civil about this but you do not need to go out of your way to be nice. That will be wasted on them. Focus on yourself and be with people who honestly care about your well-being. Hope my perspective helps.

Hi Heatrae, I read through this thread a few weeks ago and have been checking to see if you had posted recently. I agree with what everyone else has basically posted, you need to move on. And it's way past the time you should have moved on, and you have to get on it now. Nevermind that he is married but the character of this guy, you shouldn't want him even if he were single and available. Nevermind the chemistry you feel that is there, time and again you've shown that this relationship is not doing you any good. So many people have posted here with a lot of advice, details on how to approach the situation etc, but it seems like you will do what you want to do. You don't need to figure out why he's this way. Just see that he is. You don't owe him any explanation as to your future plans. Cut ties with him for good. I know you work with him but I see that the situation has gone on for far too long and you're not doing good, and you have to seriously consider a way to move away from him, for good. Your job is important to you, but your health should be as well. You have to remove yourself from the situation to gain proper perspective, but the more you allow him to see you, the more opportunities you give him to play with your mind, and your emotions, which is exactly what he is doing, and you end up getting your thoughts messed up and your resolve broken. I think everyone who has followed your thread sees that this guy is no good for you, and I'll say no good for any woman, too. I really hope you take stock of things and make a plan to get yourself out of this situation, and stick to it, for your own sanity, and that should matter to you.

Hi Erin, Perhaps it was not all that sudden. You did say you had some arguments about what the other did/did not do. Seems like the resentment was there for a while, and that is perhaps what's feeding his current ''I'm not sure I miss you'' thoughts. He did say the both of you will have the talk, and unfortunately, you took him at his word without asking for an explanation immediately. I think the talk should still happen even if for a different reason. You can clear the air with him. He seems to be open to talking to you since he's still in contact. Let him know the talk need not be about getting back together but rather making sure where you stand. You've spent a substantial amount of time together and there were good times so I think it's only fair if he's upfront with you. Look into why he feels resentful exactly (you've given your perspective, ask him for his) and whether he feels like it can be worked on. If he asks for more time, make sure there's a limit as you have already waited 3 months and he has obviously used that time to think about things. Maybe see if you can just meet to outline what exactly is lacking without deciding immediately on a course of action. Just get a feel of what's on his mind first. Having said this, find out if he indeed has thought things thru, and he is just being a bit vague about his feelings for you now bcos he does not want to hurt you further. Meeting up for that talk which he ''promised'' before could help u see things as they really are. Don't force him to see things a certain way. Listen to how he says he sees it, and if he's still willing to work on it. If he insists he does not want a chat, u could put it to him if that means he doesnt feel like he can/wants to work on the situation and would rather just start anew with someone else? cos that's how it will seem to me. I'm suggesting the talk as it seems to me he could be acting out of resentment instead of being certain he has decided on this looking at things objectively. Three months is long enough for someone to think things thru tho so you should be open to him having decided this in the right frame of mind, and accept it. If he indeed has decided this is not for him, whatever the reasons, you will have to accept it, You can't and shouldn't make him get back into the relationship as he will only come back, for good, if he wants to. Be more upfront with each other as it seems the two of u have just let it ride for a while w/o addressing the situation more closely. I'll look in again to see if you feel this perspective helps.

Hi squash-boy, I'm not sure exactly if you were only giving a background and are just wanting an opinion on what you plan to do on your trip to Europe, or if you would like advice on your whole situation. I'll give you my take about your trip and I will explain why, so I will take in the whole situation. I do not think it's a good idea to have your ex-gf go on this trip with you. First of all, you broke up. This isn't a vacation to work your feelings out, spend time together and see what's lacking. I can understand that it could be a bit of hassle to make changes regarding tickets etc, and perhaps you do not want to take back an offer made. What I feel is the best thing to do is get a refund or find someone else to go on the trip. When this trip was arranged, the purpose for the two of you to go on it was different. She should understand based on the current situation. Examine why you really want her on the trip. You say you will just go along and see what happens, but not push for anything. However, I think you are already pushing for it by creating an atmosphere (family vacation together) for a reconciliation. What I do not understand is why you wish to reconcile? I understand missing her, but that is not a good reason to get back together. This leads me to the second part of my take on this. Perhaps you could take this break that has occurred as a means to examine your relationship again. Everyone makes mistakes, but 4 of the same kind, the cheating kind? I think she is already showing you how she feels. We could say that she is only seeking comfort in the arms of another man 'cos of the break-up, and that does happen. However, she kissed him before the two of you took an initial break. (Did she herself tell you this after or did someone else tell you?) You felt the two of you drifting apart 4 months prior to the break. What exactly was not the same, her interest in you? From what you have said, I feel that she is perhaps not interested in a committed relationship right now. I feel that her being with another man is not really for comfort but for the new-ness of it, and this reflects a desire to try other things, in this instance, other men. There are more examples I could give but they all follow the same line; the both of you seem to want different things. My advice would be to start no-contact right now. Use the trip as an aid to enforce it. It will not be easy but it allows you to step back from the situation. Once you can look at things more objectively, you will be able re-examine your situation with a clear mind. Of course, you will decide on your own if you wish to continue with this girl. I was explaining how the situation seems to me. Note I was not judging her regarding her relationships before you, as the past is just that, but she does not seem to have a good track record. I always say people do things for a reason, but there's never a good reason to cheat 4 times. Best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour, though I feel this should not be believed blindly 'cos people do change... however, looking at your situation, seems like she was not upfront with you about the real reason for wanting the initial break thus leading to the eventual break, which you were unprepared for. She was looking to someone else and was already doing so in her mind at least, before your initial break, thus the ''drifting apart''. Not being upfront is not a good idea and will lead to bigger problems and a bigger headache when there's more at stake. Amaranth

cursor mistake, not sure how to delete. my post is below.