Waiting and Wondering

Dave...you hit the nail on the head. That's exactly how I feel. I am glad there are people here who understand how I am feeling...most other people don't understand why I can't just move on.

Hi Empathy, Unfortunately, I do not have words of wisdom for you, but I do want you to know that you are definitely not alone - I am in the same position as you. It's been about 8 months since my break up and I continue to experience the same feelings that you describe, including the whole lightening bolt phenomenon. I know how terrible it is. Just when you finally manage to forget about things and have fun, a vivid memory suddenly strikes you and it STINGS. I am also experiencing the same problems with meeting other people. I was dating this new guy for awhile but 75% of the time I just kept comparing him to what I had with my ex boyfriend and it started to drive me nuts. Everytime I meet someone, all I keep thinking is "it's not the same." I've actually lost interest in meeting anyone and feel like I'll always be alone. While I do know that of course it can't ever be the same with someone new, I just can't stop comparing everyone else to my ex, so I know what you mean about the high standards. When things were good with us they were so good, and that connection we had is what I want, and is what I can't seem to let go of. We fought a lot, but it was always over really stupid, immature things in retrospect. Ugh., I hope that it does get better for you and I...I just keep telling myself to give it more time. Hang in there.

I would say that it mostly does just come naturally. So try not to think about or analyze things too much. I had a boyfriend when I was 15 and I was just soooo nervous about kissing him. I didn't know how to start, or where to do it, or when or....my worries were endless. We actually never even ended up kissing because I could never relax enough for one minute to just do it. Looking back, I don't think I was very comfortable with this guy and that was a large part of the problem. Soon afterwards I found a new boyfriend who I was totally comfortable around and our first kiss just kinda happened one day at the "right" time. I didn't plan it out or analyze it to death beforehand, it just happened. I would say start out slow though and you'll sort of just learn from there. Don't introduce the tongue right away, but slowly work it in (if you're comfortable!). There isn't a "perfect" kiss and all people have different preferences. By starting out slowly, you'll learn together what you both like and don't like. Good Luck!

Yes, I have to agree with the other replies. Do keep in mind though that even though you fingering her may not have done anything for her in the past, this doesn't automatically mean that it doesn't do anything for her now. Maybe you've improved your "technique" and thus made things more enjoyable for her than in the past. Also, having an orgasm is not just a physical thing; it has a mental component as well. So maybe she has become more comfortable with you now than she was before, or maybe she get's more "into" things than she did in the past, making orgasms easier to achieve.

Just want to say that I know (from personal experience ) that yes, this is in fact possible!

Well I just wanted to thank you all for the very helpful replies! And sorry my post was so long! I guess I know that the break up didn't actually come "out of the blue", especially from his perspective but at the time it seemed so sudden to me. Anyways, I will be sure to update you all soon.

Hey Everyone. Well, I'm new here so first of all I would like to say Hello. My name is Erin and I'm 21 years old. Secondly, like so many of us who have turned to this forum I am currently going through tremendous heart ache. I have read over a lot of the other posts and the advice you all give is just wonderful. Now, I'm hoping you might be able to give me your opinions on my own situation. I am sorry that this is going to be long....hope someone still manages to read it! To make this as brief as possible... My Ex and I had been together for around 2.5 years when he broke up with me at the end of February of this year. We had what I thought was a pretty good relationship. We really cared for each other, had so much fun together, travelled together, had the same dorky sense of humour, people called us inseperable, etc. In the few days leading up to the breakup, we had gotten in some arguments in which he said that he never got to do the things he wanted to do and he started to act a bit distant towards me. On the day he broke up with me he was supposed to come pick me up from school and when i called him I thought he was being "edgy" towards me and I accused him of this, then he uncharacteristically snapped at me and I got frustrated and hung up the phone. Well, when I got home later that day I called him and he completely flipped out at me telling me it was over, that I was ungrateful and selfish. Just like that...it was over. Now, this guy was completely devoted to me up to this point, always telling me he loved me, offering to do things for me etc. I think the problem was that he devoted himself to me so much that he neglected other areas of his life, whereas I had more of a balance between him and other activities and interests. I admit that I could be selfish at times but this was not because I did not care for him. It was more that because I was not used to him having that many outside interests, when he would do something "outside" its almost like I would perceive him as acting less affectionate towards me, and then I would get upset. He in turn would call me selfish....and it was kind of an on going cycle. Let me emphasize that it's not that I didn't want him to do other things...we just got stuck in certain roles. I will admit though that while I did care for him tremendously and did enjoy doing things for him (I would make him cards or get him a flower....when he had his wisdom teeth out I tried to help him forget about the pain by going to his house, playing board games with him, getting him yogurt and apple sauce and stuff to eat etc. One time he had surgery on his collar bone and couldn't move so i went over there and would just sit beside him for hours at a time) he did ultimately go "out of his way" more for me than I did for him. So, I think that when he flipped out at me on the day we broke up all his frustrations all came together and he just snapped. Looking back now, I can see that and can understand the problems that were there. It's just very sad for me to have had things end like that one day after being together so long. Even though we did have the aforementioned problems, we still had so many good times and went through a lot together. In the first few weeks after we broke up I would sometimes run into him at school (this was very tough) and he acted very aloof, telling me stories about how great his life was, how much fun he was having etc. (this devestated me and I was having trouble even getting out of bed in the morning). Shortly afterwards, when we would run into each other, he started telling me how much he missed me and he told me just to wait until this school semester was done and the stress of all his classes was over and we'd get together to talk. This slowly evolved into him pretty much telling me we'd be getting back together once the semester was over, he told me he missed me "more than anything in the world" and that we'd just take things slowly. So, I was very happy because even though it was hard being apart from him, I thought we would be meeting up again once the semester was done and I really looked forward to this. I had done a lot of thinking of ways we could improve things and how I would give him more space etc. We had been so attached at the hip before that I took things for granted and it was hard for me to give him any extra space and so I fought against it. But now, standing on the outside, I could see how unfair I was being and realised that hey, we'd been apart for two months and I wasn't doing THAT terrible, giving him extra space really wouldn't be a big deal after having gone through that. WELL, the semester ended at the end of April and there was no word about us getting together for this talk he had planned. One day I caught him on MSN and asked whatever happened to us getting together like planned..and he just said he didn't think it was a good idea anymore and was quite cold towards me. He later came back and said he was sorry and that he was a jerk, but then said he was going away to visit some friends for a week or so and would message me when he got back. Well, he came back just last week and messaged me again over MSN. He said soemthign like "I know I said we would get together to talk once I was done school but I dont think we should anymore." I asked why not and he said that he didn't know....that he just didn't want to complicate things. I asked him if he missed me and he just said "I guess...i dont know..do you miss me?" and I just said "of course, so frikin much" and he said "what is there to miss?" I was so hurt that he said that after everything we'd been through together over the past couple of years and after he had told me that he missed me SO MUCH just a few weeks before. Then he came back online later, casually told me he was sorry about before and then started chatting with me like nothing had happened. He just started telling me what was new with him etc. Well, I decided that I just couldn't talk to him anymore because it was too heart wrenching for me to have him act so aloof about everything. So I simply told him I didn't think I could talk to him anymore and he said "you don't want to??" and I just said that it would be easier for me to get over everythign and him if we didn't talk anymore. He messaged me back a couple more times saying he was sorry about everything. But we haven't talked since (its been about a week). So I know that was horribly long, but I just wanted to write it all out because I wanted some perspective on the whole thing. I miss him so much, and even though the initial break up happened three months ago, I'm only now having to come to grips with things. I feel like I'm in shock that it could actually be all over because I got absolutely no closure. This guy cared about me so much and then just like that it was over. What do you all think? Even though I know that I should probably just move on I don't want to. I think about him all the time and I don't even know how to start moving beyond him. I mean, I've done tried to keep busy, go out with friends, volunteer, work, but ultimately, nothing helps. Do you guys think that he meant it when he said he didn't know if he missed me? How can you go from completely missing someone to not missing them so quickly?? Do you think there is any chance that we might ever be together again? I know I'm not really asking one specific question here....I guess I just want your general thoughts and opinions on this whole ordeal. Thank you so much.