ocean9

mick, I think that writing is very purgative and can be effectively therapeutic. It can aid the healing process tremendously when used as a tool in that regard. I've written a great deal about what I've been through, and the act of telling the story, making it tangible in a sense, has been helping me to "see" what is happening a little more clearly. It is hard to make excuses for my choices when it is right there in black and white. I can also see my progress, and my patterns. Expressing our emotions is so crucial to healing and moving on. Sometimes I will sit and write what I'm learning and what I've learned from this relationship, and that has been really interesting as well. And of course, sometimes I just write "fu*k, fu*k, fu*k -- a few pages of swears can be helpful too! LOL! It can really release any tension, especially what we cannot respectfully express in the company of others) Have you tried meditation at all? I've been cycling, hiking, and doing a lot of walking. Being out in nature has helped me tremendously (except for when I go to places she and I used to go, ugh -- I don't recommend doing that) Exercising is really important, so I think it is great that you are keeping it up. The endorphins produced are rather effective!

thanks people! It is early evening here, and I still have not returned her call -- I thought about her a lot today though -- I honestly don't want her to feel hurt that I am not calling her back, but I know NC is what is right for me at this time. It feels 'weird' to be putting my needs first for a change. I'm not used to this!

my ex is really attractive too, and the chemisty was always really strong, and hard to resist -- I get what you are saying about having to see them face to face, no fun at all. I honestly think it is immature and insenstive of them to think we want to hear about the new people they are dating -- don't they 'get it', to me it's just plain common sense not to discuss stuff like that with an ex unless lots of time has passed. Clearly you still have feelings for her, so yes, no contact will do wonders for you -- you'll feel better soon, I can practically guarantee it. Seriously, whatever you do, don't make the mistake I made and try to be her friend, I regret that a great deal actually, because now I am having a hell of a time walking away -- it's like the wound is always bleeding. I never gave myself the time I needed to heal. I chose to put her need to have me as a friend above my own need for time and space to heal. Big mistake! Can you get away for the weekend or anything like that? A change of scenery will help for sure. Can you and your friends take a little road trip or something? Have you boxed up all of the things she gave you and packed it away somewhere? (I did that, and it helps a lot! Having stuff stare you in the face is killer)

My ex called and left a message tonight. I'm screening my calls, because I know I am not strong enough at this point to talk to her. I erased her message right away, so that I wouldn't torture myself by listening to it again and again. (I'm sure I'm not the only one who has ever done that) It was really hard not to call her back. I felt guilty, I thought I was being a jerk not to call her back, I paced the floor for awhile for crying out loud! I really need to stay strong. I know that I am vulnerable with her because I still do have feelings for her. She is seeing another man, and she was stringing me along in this bizarre friendship with benefits situation that was hurting me way too much to continue. She also lied to me too many times, and I just don't trust her anymore. She has some issues, and I know that she is not currently capable of the kind of relationship I want at this time in my life. I'm having a really hard time letting her go. (I really do not recommend being 'friends' with an ex if you are still in love with her/him) It is almost like an addiction of sorts for me at times. The impulse to call her back was quite strong. Kudos to me for not caving! It's too late to call back now. I'm going to stay busy tomorrow and stay away from the phone! I'll unplug it and hide the damn thing if I have to! I just needed to talk about this. I know that there are people here who can relate to what I am going through, because they have BTDT, or are currently going through this themselves. The weirdest thing is, in her mind, nothing is wrong -- she seems to think that everything is fine and we're great friends. It baffles me that she doesn't 'get it' that it is not cool to have her cake and eat it too. I don't think she cares about my feelings, or the other guy's feelings either. She seems so selfish. I'm not trying to bad mouth her either, all of this has been so shocking for me. She didn't seem so messed up when we met. I knew she had issues, but her behavior doesn't make any sense -- she is like a female player with a huge ego and low self-esteem, and I just don't get it! How the heck did I ever get into this mess in the first place? I have to stop putting other people's needs ahead of my own. I'm too soft or something! Tomorrow is day 5 of no contact. I'm taking it one day at a time. I really want to heal from this ongoing pain. I want to leave the past in the past, and move forward with my life. I've done no contact with her before, and I always end up back with her. I need to be stronger than that this time, and keep reminding myself that I deserve better and that I must not let this woman use me anymore. I've already given her so much -- if she doesn't want only me now (and not the other guy too), she never will!

no, it's not fair -- life is often not fair, sucks, I know! my ex just called a few minutes ago and left a message, and it is taking every ounce of strength I have not to call her back (I'm screening my calls) -- it is hard work to stop old patterns. I know if I call her, she'll want to get together, and then I'm right back in the no-win situation. She wants the new guy, so she should go and be with him and leave me out of it. I don't want to buy into false hope anymore. She had plenty of time to 'wake up'. My ex came back plenty of times, but she always took off again. For awhile, I didn't even KNOW there was someone else. Anyway... my ex had serious issues too -- I could have written your last post actually -- kind of weird to read someone else's words, and see reflections of my own situation, but at the same time it is very validating, y'know? we have to keep focusing on us, and people who are there for us, and good, healthy activities If you knew it was going to end eventually, for what it is worth, I think you are better off without her. I had that feeling with my ex too, a strong gut feeling that it just wasn't going to last, plus she has too much to work through at this point in her life, we are just not on the same level in so many different ways. Even though it is hard, sometimes NC hurts less than actual contact does.

It takes time to move on, and there's just no escaping that unfortunately. NC is supposed to really help with the healing process, even speed it up a bit. It is like letting a wound heal -- we've got to stop scratching and picking at the scab, and just let it be. The past is the past. I put my ex's feelings ahead of my own too, so I completely understand what you are saying. It is hard to just suddenly stop doing that. I think crossing paths is uncomfortable no matter what, and sometimes the best thing to do is to turn around and walk the other way (if possible without making a big scene) Ya, I'd like to get through a whole day without my ex on my mind too! Man, how long will that take? I can at least go a few hours without thinking of her though, so I'm making some progress.

Wow, really? Maybe as more time passes, you will have more clarity? It takes time to get some emotional distance and a more detached, objective perspective...but then again, some people are excellent chameleons and can fool pretty much anyone. There are always lessons though, and it may be too soon for that sort of introspection just yet. Just keep focusing on you to heal from this hurtfulness. I'm sick and tired of making excuses for others as well. The right one for me won't be someone I have to make excuses for!

settinup, Focus on yourself. Never mind about her. She told you straight out that she won't get back together with you. She told you the truth. Do yourself a favor and listen to her words. She is no longer stringing you along now like she was at first -- and that's good because now YOU can let this hopeless situation go. Going no contact is what you need for YOU right now.

mick, I am going through this right now too. My ex wanted to be 'friends', but I couldn't do it. She is seeing another man, and basically wanted to have her cake and eat it too. That was really messing with my head. I couldn't deal with being strung along, I deserve better. Anyway, I haven't heard from her in a few days, and I haven't contacted her either. The last couple of days, I've been struggling with whether or not to tell her that I am doing NC. So far, I'm simply not initiating contact. I also did not reply to her last email. She is smart enough to 'get it'. I also think that contacting someone to say you're not going to contact them anymore is a mixed message. PLUS what if you can't stick to NC -- then you come off as someone who's word means very little. I don't think it is possible to be "just friends" with someone you want more with. It's damn hard, and if the other person is seeing a new person, it's killer on the self-esteem, and feels like a knift to the heart. It hurts less to do NC then to keep getting hurt again and again by the same situation/person. I think that your ex will be smart enough to realize you need some space. If she is going to make assumptions about how you're feeling, she owns that -- it's out of your hands. You are not responsible for her well-being or for her feelings. What she thinks of you is her business. You are broken up, so it's over. It's the past. NC will help you to heal, and right now, it would be best for you to focus on YOUR thoughts and feelings, not hers. Keep posting. A lot of us are trying damn hard to let go of what just cannot be. It's hard work this NC, but it WILL be worth it!

LOL! I think that we have to determine what works for us, and then not settle for less. People are who they are...and often what we see IS what we get. For me, I tend to pay way too much attention to a person's "potential" rather than deal with what is right in front of my eyes. My ex had a lot of potential, but she chose not to actualize it...do you see what I mean? I think a lot of "nice" people give others way too much credit. We always find reasons for people's behavior, make excuses, and we work so darn hard at relationships to "make" them work. In my last relationship, more often that not, I was doing the largest share of the work...I won't choose to do that again! Ick! I think it is essential that people forming a relationship have a mutual attraction and are pretty much on the same level...intellectually, emotionally, and in terms of maturity...otherwise, how can it work? It may work for awhile, or be fun for a bit, but then someone (or both people) will end up feeling hurt and disappointed. Whatever happened to having standards? Y'know? I think there are some red flags that shouldn't be ignored though...I've learned that the hard way.

I think that some people are more emotionally mature than others...plus, some people are psychologically messed up, and they just don't think of others the same way a more normal person would. There are cold, mean, selfish, users and abusers out there, that's reality unfortunately. I know that I have to pay way more attention to red flags and not date these people in the first place! If you think back, there were probably warning signs about the person who hurt you. I think that when we are attracted to a person, we ignore or make excuses for all kinds of unacceptable behavior...and then it bites us in the butt later!

her actions were not mature...the song was the bait, if you will, and you took it...she was just pissed off that you didn't bite sooner...but that doesn't mean it would have led to anything anyway

Idelion, I think you did the right thing, because now you have the truth. She is not in love with you. Now you can start to really let this go and heal. Why waste time waiting for a woman to feel differently? Either she is into you, or she is not...and at least she came right out and said she is not. She is not stringing you along, she is doing the right thing by clearly letting you know it's over for her. You can respect her for being upfront like that. It's good that you said how you felt, because she has the truth too. You know that you put it out there, and you received her honest response. You don't have to wonder 'what if' now. When you pour your heart out to another person, when you open up and tell the truth, that is real...and it takes self-respect and integrity to not play head games and pretend not to feel such as you do. I know there are people who would disagree, and say to play it cool, keep your distance, don't show your feelings, and all that nonsense, but what kind of man wants to 'trick' a woman into coming back to him...it's deceptive and manipulative to play head games, especially with a woman you love. In my opinion, you took the high road by keeping it real. If your paths do cross again, she WILL remember that you were open with her, and that you didn't lie about how you felt.

It's good to know I'm not the only one who needs more than 24 hours! How are you doing today btw?

DN, That makes sense, and unfortunately, I think you are right. It is all about her, her wants, her needs, her image, etc...and she is rather concerned about how she appears to others, I've heard her go on and on about that one! She does sometimes act as if she has an audience. Bizarre!