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mick8888

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  1. mick8888
    OK, well, here's the deal -- I just got dumped by my girlfriend of six months tonight ...no big dramatic blowout, she just drove over here, we were supposed to go out to dinner, I got in the car and she said "We need to talk...." so of course you know what's coming next. She said, "I'm not happy, I don't like the way this relationship is going, and I think we need to break up." I sat there for a minute, didn't argue, didn't cry, didn't go nuts, just was sorta like, "So, how long have you been feeling like this?" and she said "It's been brewing for a little while now..." And so I was like, alright then, she said, "I'm sorry," and I was like, "OK, see ya" and got out of the car and she drove off ... whole thing happened in maybe 3-4 minutes. Was kind of surprising because she didn't ever let on that she was feeling this way. We NEVER fought the whole six months we went out, got along great, had fun, no drama, we were very close ... everything seemed normal, the past couple days we talked on the phone she said "I love you" as usual, didn't hint that there were any problems. Now this. Basically I have no real idea why it happened, maybe she met someone else, I dunno. But I'm not gonna sit here and speculate. I'm upset, but not devastated. I loved her and cared about her, but I'm not aboutto jump off a bridge over this. However, after going through a really painful breakup of a 3-year relationship prior to going out with this girl, I could use a "refresher course" from you guys and gals on how you're supposed to handle a breakup. I should just not ever contact her again, right? Not dwell on it, just move on to the next thing? Or should I press her for a reason and/or see if maybe this is just a phase? She seemed pretty certain about wanting to break up, and I have to say that after that I'm not sure I would ever want her back, but at the same time, like I said before, we had a good relationship and I am very attracted to her and do want to be with her. Any thoughts? Cheers! Mick
  2. mick8888
    well, i just talked to my ex gf tonight for the first time in ages -- really awful extenuating circumstances (see my last post) ... anyway, i can definitely relate to the idea of not being able to shake the girl -- we broke up around the same time (fall 2003) then went through a year of infrequent hookups until she met some new guy. talking to her just now, it's clear she's very much in love with her new boyfriend, and has closed the book on anything we ever had together ... i would be entirely shocked if ever in the future she contacted me with the same kind of story that your ex contacted you with, and wanted to get back together or whatever. but my only real advice, and i wouldn't call it advice but more commentary, is this: once the spark goes out from one party or the other in the relationship, and once there's been a split and someone has gotten involved with someone else, the chances of things working out a second time around are slim to none. there's just an imbalance of love, trust, respect, etc .... there'll always be some sort of underlying resentment on the part of the person who got hurt the most, and it just doesnt seem like relationships can weather that sorta thing. it's completely mental, i know, but part of me REALLY wants my ex to call me and say that she made a mistake and that she misses me, just so i can somewhat get the power back and be the one to make the decision not to be with her. you know what i mean? i dont want to be in a relationship with her anymore after the way she hurt me, but i do want her to want me ... maybe that's evil, maybe that's ego, maybe that's the fact that i've been lonely for the past 2 years and damn near obsessing over her and not meeting anyone new, while she's found a new love. but i'm just being honest, and i think it's part of human nature. I have felt helpless and out of control because i didnt decide to end the relationship, she did -- maybe you're in the same boat. i guess you just have to be totally honest with yourself and decide if you REALLY want to be back in a relationship with her or not, and if you do, if it's out of true love and not just a sense of longing for something that was good once in the past, or something comfortable. i find myself wishing that things could be like they were 3 years ago when my ex and i were together and in love and had a strong bond, but those days are over and pining for that is just immature and completely unrealistic. it's really sad, and it depresses me every day, but what can i do?
  3. mick8888
    Thanks, it does help a bit ... I guess it's just my "default" to want to be there for her ... it's weird, even if she were to call me one day and say she wanted to get back together with me I *really* don't think I would -- I've learned a lot of lessons and realized that our relationship was extremely intense but very unhealthy -- but at the same time I still feel like I want to be there for her when she's hurting. It's a really strange position to be in, and pulls me in different emotional directions. It would be so much easier to just forget about her, and even though I've had no contact with her for almost 6 months before the events of the past few days, I think about her every single day and I'm still hurting over the breakup. So yeah, I guess I just have to protect myself at all costs, because what is there to be gained otherwise? I wish I could be at the point where i am completely over her and could just be her friend without any of those residual emotions, and thereforeeee be able to be there for her as a friend, but I just can't do it now. A big part of the problem for her, I think, is that she really doesn't have a lot of friends -- she's distanced herself from a lot of people, and now that she lives in L.A. I seriously doubt she's developed any good friendships down there or kept in touch with people from here, so I think she sees me as really her only "close friend," someone who knows her extraordinarily well, in this city (or maybe anywhere). But I don't think she understands how bad she hurt me and how hard it is to be her "close friend" -- right now it's damn near impossible, and I don't know if it will ever be possible (maybe *years* from now...)
  4. mick8888
    Yeah, I feel really bad and really guilty, though, like that this is life and death and my feelings are petty compared to that. I dunno ... trying to stay strong about it, it's hard.
  5. mick8888
    This is almost the exact same thing two of my female friends told me yesterday -- that her mom shouldn't have dumped this whole thing on me and put me in an awkward situation. My ex even acknowledged that yesterday in her reply to my short condolensces email thanking me for it -- she said it must have been weird for her mom to call me, and that her mom did it without her knowledge. I guess that's my thing -- so many times I've put her feelings ahead of mine. I do that in general, and when I try to look out for myself I feel guilty or selfish ...
  6. mick8888
    I know, that's kind of what I was thinking, and when I found out about all of this yesterday I called my mom and told her, and that was her reaction -- "Why isn't she with her boyfriend right now??" I can only speculate, but i wonder if either she wanted him to have some space; that what happened made her think about her own family and she wanted to see her mom since she hadn't in six months; or, because she's got some mental issues (depression, etc.) she's really bad at dealing with this kinda stuff and felt the need to get out of an overwhelmingly tragic situation for a day or two. I'm not trying to make excuses for her, necessarily, but I don't know the whole situation (or even the nature of her relationship with her boyfriend; I have no idea if they are madly in love or on the rocks or what). But that's a big part of my negative feelings toward her -- I've always thought she was a very selfish person. But in cases of life and death like this I'm usually willing to give people the benefit of the doubt. I mean, she's not a HORRIBLE person. I just dunno ....
  7. mick8888
    Here's the situation: I dated this girl for 3 years (lived together for 2 of those years) and it was a very intense relationship. She broke up with me 2 years ago, but for a year afterwards we occasionally hooked up. Then, about a year ago she met another guy who lived in a different city, and six months ago she moved to that city to live with him. The breakup has been really hard on me so I've tried to have no contact with her. The last time I saw her in person was in April, right before she moved, and it was really hard on me and set me back emotionally, as I thought I was doing well in terms of getting over her. So I hadn't had any contact with her whatsoever since then. Here's where it gets tricky. In a seriously unfortunate series of events, her new boyfriend's mother was murdered last weekend. My ex's mom called me and left a message telling me what had happened and that my ex was really having a hard time and maybe I could send my ex an e-mail "because [my ex's mom] knows i still care about her and she could use the support..." It was awkward to say the least, because even though I don't wanna come off as cold and uncaring, I kinda feel like it's not my responsibility to comfort my ex when it's her boyfriend's mom, someone I don't know and stuff, who was murdered. Anyway, I sent a short e-mail offering my condolensces. This was yesterday. Now today, I find out that my ex is back here in town for 2 days to see her mom, and my ex called me a couple hours ago wanting to see me because she's feeling horrible and since "she still considers me a close friend," that it would help her a lot to come over and see me for a little while. Thing is, in my own continuing emotional state over the breakup of our relationship (I know it's been a while since we split, but I'm still having a hard time dealing with it), I simply CAN'T see her, it would just hurt me too much. It hurts me to know that she's upset about what's happened to her boyfriend's mom, and I don't wish any pain on her or him or any of that, but I feel like I need to protect my own feelings, too. I kind of feel guilty about it, like I'm being selfish, and I'm just not sure what to do. I sent her an email a couple hours ago telling her I can't see her but if she wants to call again I would talk to her on the phone for a little while (which is still tough for me). Am I doing the right thing? Should what's happened to her, and her feelings, supercede my feelings about our relationship? I just don't know what the right and best thing to do is...
  8. mick8888
    Alright, you can't be helped until you start helping yourself. Everyone here has been trying to advise you not to talk to this girl in order to avoid exactly these kinds of situations and frustrations, but you choose not to listen. So maybe you deserve to be miserable until you wise up. No offense, but come on!
  9. mick8888
    again, you need to get a serious grip because you are in SERIOUS denial. you need to drop this mindset of "being sure she's in love with you" and being afraid of pushing her away and accept/adopt the mindset that it is OVER. O-V-E-R. right now she doesn't want to be with you, and she's treating you like crap, and you're sitting around worrying about what SHE'S doing and focusing all your energies on HER instead of WORRYING ABOUT YOURSELF AND MAKING YOUR LIFE BETTER. No wonder you feel like crap right now? Look, you NEED to start the no contact thing, and start it immediately. It will do one of two things -- it will give her time to miss you and think about things and figure out if she wants to be with you (which is something you CANNOT FORCE), or it will help you get over things and move on if it's not meant to be and she's history. I am fully cognizant of the fact that you don't want to accept the fact that she might be gone for good, but I'm afraid you're gonna have to, or you're gonna keep being hurt and you're never gonna feel better. And to be honest, you know what? Even if she DOES call you and come back right now and tell you how much she loves you and you feel on top of the world, guess what? She's gonna burn you again, and it's gonna hurt even MORE. So do yourself a favor and step back from the whole thing and worry about yourself and what YOU want, stop feeling sorry for yourself or being a sobby baby or stressing about the past and focus on today and tomorrow for YOURSELF. It's your life, not hers, so deal with things for YOURSELF and things will work out the way they're supposed to -- either with her or eventually with someone else. But seriously, GET A GRIP! I don't mean that in a mean way, but you gotta start standing up and getting real about this situation.
  10. mick8888
    then i guess you just have to move on and eventually find someone else to be with, and get to a place where you can be friends with your ex so that you can still be around them and get to enjoy the person they are and not feel like you want to be in a relationship with them anymore (of course, that takes time).
  11. mick8888
    well to be honest, it wasn't so much an "arm candy" showing off thing ... it was more about just personally feeling good that a very pretty girl wanted to be with me, it made me feel good about myself just being with her, not what other people thought. and also, i mean, i'm not quite that shallow in the sense that there are things about her i liked beyond the physical, but in being totally honest with myself i think the physical stuff was the overriding factor in why i stayed with her, and why it hurt so bad when she dumped me.
  12. mick8888
    i don't think you can have a real gf/bf romantic relationship unless you are in physical contact with one another (i don't mean sex, just meeting, sharing the same space, etc.). sure, you can have some sort of relationship, perhaps a crush or something "more than friends," but until you actually meet face to face (which is exceptionally important, chemistry and all of that) i don't think you can be in a genuine romantic relationship. just my opinion.
  13. mick8888
    I am sorta in the middle of this EXACT SITUATION too, although I have come to realize some things (see my post of a few minutes ago) and also thinking more about those "red flags" in our relationship, just like you mentioned. Like me, it might be your self-esteem that's hurting more than missing her as a person. In other words, you just want SOMEONE who will give you those good feelings you get when you're into someone who really likes you back, rather than missing her specifically. Because your rational mind knows that there were problems with her, but your heart won't let you remember the bad stuff. For a while I wasn't eating well and was sleeping awful (didn't drown my sorrows in alcohol or heroin or anything, thank god), but then I realized that I am more important than her, and my life is the one thing I have got, the one thing that I control (as William Henley put it, "I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul') and I wasn't going to let ANYONE take hold of MY life and ruin it. I am more important than that. So I started forcing myself to hang out with friends, started going to the gym EVERY DAY (which helps with sleep in addition to fitness), started eating really well, and just started living in the moment as much as possible, and not getting hung up on the past, just forcing that stuff out of my head and if it got really bad, just to distract myself with a book or a movie or TV, just ANYTHING until it passed. And that stuff has definitely helped. I usually HATE cliches and that whole "pep talk" stuff, I generally think it's corny, but I have to admit that one commonly heard phrase is super useful: "This is the first day of the rest of your life." I look at every day as a new opportunity instead of dwelling on past things I can't change. I mean sure, wouldn't it be great to go back in time and kill Hitler before he started the Holocaust? Sure, but you can't. And in the same way, you can't go back in time when you were happy with your then-girlfriend, it's just not doable. So why stress it? The past is the past, it's over, and all we have is the present and the future, so why not make the best of it? The greatest news of all? It DOES get better. The future you will be much happier than the present you, I can guarantee you that. So just work toward that little by little, day by day, with a positive attitude, and you'll get there faster than you think.
  14. mick8888
    The more days go by, the more I am realizing something very simple: I was with my girlfriend mostly because she was extremely physically attractive (definitely the best-looking girl I have ever dated, and I am average-looking and a bit overweight). We were together for a few years (lived together for about 2.5 of those), and even though she wasn't the smartest, most independent or ambitious, or even the sweetest person (all qualities I usually look for), I stayed with her mostly because of the way she made me feel -- in other words, my ego was boosted massively because here was this gorgeous girl who was with me. Then she dumped me, and of course my self-esteem took a huge hit, and all I wanted was her back with me. But now that I've had some time to reflect, I see very clearly that I do not want a relationship with her anymore, but my lingering pain comes more from the validation she gave me, that I was okay. And without her I thought I was fat, ugly, and would never meet another girl as lovely who would want anything to do with me. But I am doing something about my fitness level -- going to the gym every day, and I'm realizing that I'm not ugly or she wouldn't have wanted to be with me in the first place, and I know that I have a ton of other great qualities. So, when I realized why I wanted her back, and that it had more to do with my own lack of internal happiness than the person she is, I realized that the only thing I can do is work on improving myself and becoming happier with myself. No other person can do that for you. And I think that once I am happier with myself I will be able to find someone else, someone just as good or better than my ex. At least I hope so! Anyone here gone through a similar situation and thought process? Am I just fooling myself?
  15. mick8888
    Dude, at the risk of sounding harsh -- get a grip!! You are completely deluding yourself that she's some great girl, and it mostly comes from the fact that you are lonely and jealous of her other guy, and you simply want the comfort of the past. News flash: it's OVER. You can't live in the past -- those days are done. If you want to keep torturing yourself and wallowing in this, that's your business, but it's only going to prolong the pain. I know it's hard, and I'm struggling with a similar situation right now, sort of, and I simply made the decision to try my best to move past it. I have my good days and bad days, and so will you, but it will only get better if you make a conscious effort to put this whole thing in perspective, see the girl for what she is (neither totally great nor totally bad) and for what her actions are. STOP putting her on a pedestal, and stop blaming yourself for everything, it serves no constructive purpose and all you're doing is continually picking at the scab instead of letting it heal. Starting today, do something positive for yourself and start moving forward with your life, even if you don't feel like it, DO IT. Go to the gym or get some other form of exercise, hang out with a friend, plan a strategy for getting ahead at work or looking for a new job, do some volunteer work, ANYTHING to give your life meaning and purpose beyond pining for some girl who is with someone else and not coming back. The sooner you accept that and begin to reconstruct your life, the sooner you will feel better. If not, then you will just suffer endlessly, and that's ultimately your choice.
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