needhelp112692

UPDATE!!!!!!!!!!! After not speaking to her for a day I definatley thought she wasn't into me. But then she called me lastnight and asked I wanted to hang out and rent a movie or something. I said yes..so she came over and we watched a movie. Halfway through the movie she grabbed my hand and wrapped my arm around her. I was so happy......we finally kissed.....alot.....and have plans for dinner this weekend. All and all I guess she is just shy and needed sometime.....so I'm gonna go nice and slow with this one and see where it takes us. Thanks for everyones advice and time all you guys spend reading it and giving me help.

thx guys for all the input.......I guess there is nothing I can do but see if the 2nd date will actually happen........if it does I won't push for the kiss I will just let it happen........................should I reconfirm bout the 2nd date next time we speak..or is that being too pushy......or should I wait and see if she brings it up?.................thanks again guys

Hey all, Thanks in advance for all those who are going to read this and give advise. OK well I started conversations with this girl about a week ago.We met on Match. We have been talking on the phone every night and we really get along well. She is a very "good" girl. Meaning she is very responsable, never has done a drug or even smoked a ciggarette, never been drunk and is one of those people who wake up early in the AM. She is 24 and I am 31. I know there is a bit of an age gap there but it is no biggie. Anyways...we finally meet lastnight for the date.We went to one of these places where you can shoot pool,play video games,skeetball.....stuff like that.So we were having a good time playin pool..little flirtting back and forth.....so we basically stayed there for 2 hours or so. She suggested we go someplace else..just to chill and talk....being that it was late already and she wasn't going to be drinking I didn't suggest a bar or anything....she already ate so getting food was out......I then said "Well we could go back to my place if you are comfortable with..I mean I understand if you aren't cause it is the first time we are meeting and all". She says " Yeah that's fine as long as you don't try to seduce me or anything"......I said (playfully).."define seduce"..........she said " you really need a definition for that".......I said " Well I mean if I tried to kiss you is that no good ?". .......at this point I was basically trying to see where I stood with her.....so at the end of the night I would know wether or not to go in for the "goodnight kiss". She then says " well I don't kiss guys on the first date".....I said (shocked) " really?"......She says " yeah why..you seem shocked by that....you never met girls that don't"............I said "well no actually...usually on a date and things are going well...it usually just happens". She says "well I don't...does that mean you don't want me to come over?"....................I said " NO!!...of course I want you to come over". So basically we went back to my place hung out for a couple of hours and watched some comedians on TV. I then walked her out to her car...I said.."well don't worry I won't go in for the kiss"....we gave eachother a nice hug..thenaked one another for coming out.........I told her to call me when she got in ..so I knew that she got in ok........she did.......I asked her on the phone if she wanted to get together again sometime next week.....she said " yeah..gimme a call when you get back from Atlantic City and we'll pick a date"..........................I woke up the next morning and saw a text message from her on my computer...it just said...."hey". Here are my questions/problems with lastnight............... It was very hard for me to tell if she was really into me Do you think she was telling the truth bout kissing on the first date or just flat out didn't wanna kiss me. She seamed "slightly" apprehensive when I asked her bout the second date....now I don't know if that was me just reading to deep into thing or if she really was. How sould I proceed in this situation here...........let's say we do go on a 2nd date.....should I move in for the kiss at the end of the night...not sure what to do................would a girl really go on a 2nd date with a guy if she wasn't interested? Any help you guys can give me here would be a help....thx for reading....Chris

i totally agree......just weird though...how she says sooo many things bout liking me and we are great together and then bamb..all this.....but still wants to hang out this weekend..........problem is...i like her alot and could fall for her...if it was another girl..like girls i have just "dated" in the past i would care if we slept together on the weekends and she slept with the knicks bb team during the week........with her it is dif cause i can tell i could fall for her and get hurt...not sure what is the best course of action here.......cutt it off and have ZERO chance with her or just hang out with her and see what happens

ok...hey all here is my story and i'll try to keep it brief.... I met this girl on match...went on a date and hit it off perfectly had a great passionate kiss goodnight....went out a week later once again had a greatnight..slept together which i wasnt expecting but she made the move......anyways I was in a long term past relationship where i was hurt bad and she knows this.....that being said we are at her place one night...candles are lite..drinking wine and music is on..all is perfect....i turn to her and say " isnt this freaking you out at all...how we get along so well soo fast...this doesnt scare you?"....she turns to me and says " i've been waiting for you".........pretty powefull statement i'd say..and I was happy to hear it.........here is the problem.........we only hang out on the wekends cause she lives and works in manhattan and i live on long island.....we have been hanging out ever weekend since we met...but during the week she barely calls and is kinda stand offish. She called me 2 weeks ago and said "listen i just want you to know I am sorry for not being attentive to your needs lately..its just that i have alot going on with work and i understand if you wanna go see other people cause im not being fun lately".....i said listen i understand you have stress right now and thats fine......but if you dont wanna hang out with me anymore just say so........she says " no its not that..i really like you alot and im afraid of losing you"....once again all sounds fine.........we hang out have another great weekend. We were on the phone one night and i asked her where we stand...meaning are we exclusive/ boyfriend girlfriend or what.....i just wanted to know what thr rules where....at first she says " there are no rules".....then the convo contunes to where we both said we didnt wanna hang out with other people and we wouldnt sleep with or hook up with other people..although i did sense some apprehension in her....i happened to go on match to see her profile..i wanted to see her pic cause i was thinking of her...i saw she had added new pics and her account was active in 2 days when it hasnt been in weeks......i sent her a text nice new pic on match btw.......she calls the next day and said her girlfriend set up the account for her and must have went on there and put it up....BS is what i think and anyone who i ask... anyways.......fafstforward to tuesday night............she calls me at 630pm.... i own a store that closes at 7 and couldnt get the call.....i figured id call her back on the way home.......but instead i got a call from a friend crying and couldnt call her back........so the next day she sends me a text...and here is the convo....... Her…I called you last night? Me….yeah I know I was gonna call you back on the way to cards but my friend carissa called me cryin bout some guy she is with. By the time I got outta cards it was too late. Me..how is your day going Me…what do you wanna do this weekend Her…huh Me…..huh what Her…..didnt you read my text b4? Me..the only text I got from you was that you called lastnight Her….no..carissa cries..you cant pick up the phone?..not like u…ur pulling shady bs. Not interested Me….you called me at 630..my store was packed. I got in lastnight at 1130 didn't wanna wake you. So you are saying you don't wanna hang out with me anymore?. Her…im not saying that. Im saying don't ask me " where do we stand" then u pull * * * * like this. Im fine with things the way they are now. Me…u have me really confused right now..all this cause I didn't call you lastnight..i have been nothing but truethfull with you from day 1. I really don't see where all this is coming from. Me…and once again..ill make it easy for you and give you the out. Do you wanna stop hanging out with me? Not what I want but if you do its cool..no hard feelings/ Her….seams like you want the out. Go cry on carissas shoulder 2nite. Her..i have a career 2 work on now…sorry im 2 old 4 games. Me..not playing games YOU are. I would respect it more if you were honest nad just said you didn't like me.instead of bsing me. A phone call would be better than text. I think I deserve that much. Her….im busy right now. Her….im not mad at you. I just don't want you askin me to be exclusive. I don't mind if you hang out with girls, but don't freak when I hang out with guys. Me…well why didn't you just say that the other night on the phone then. Her…ok well I don't think we are ready yet. Im sorry my bad. But I still want to see you this weekend. Me ..listen just call me when you are free. she calls me later and says..she still wants to hang out with me...and also mentions that there are some things bout me she doesnt like.....like i am self centered and i play games...both of which arent true................she then rushes off mid convo and says " ill call ya right back"......that was at 7pm........i heard nothing till the next day..when she texted me this moring with this..... hey you sorry i dint get back to you lastnight, but my friend came over and didnt leave until late and i didnt wanna wake you up......im not in the office today call me when you are free. i write back.....listen im gonna just lay all my cards on the table right now...i still like you alot, im not looking to dateor sleep with others, i wanted to try to build something with me and u.i was under the impression you fealt the same. if not than i guess it sux for me. she calls me bout an hour after that text.......shes like "hey!!"..im like "hey"......she goes..im not mad at you you know?....i said i never said you were.....she then goes on to say " so do you wanna go to PF changs on sat for dinner?.....bascially ignored..what i texted her.......................................................................here is my dilema.....we are hanging out again this weekend.....she was on match tonight.....and told me to call her i did and she didnt answer............whats the deal with her................................why are we perfect on the weekends and she says how much she " likes me alot"..and then all this crap..........................please please please someone help me out here.....................................thanks for reading

Hey, I have posted here in the past...here is a brief summary on myself and my ex. I am 30 (male), she is turning 27. We were together for 11 years, engaged and living together. She left me 2 years ago this December, saying she never got to live her life and fell outta love. I had a tight grip on her didn't let her out with her friends and go to clubs and drink or whatever. I have since been in counseling and know why I did it and no I won't again. When she left I was devestated. It really nearly killed me. Lost 40lbs, didn't eat, couldn't move, fealt like a zombie for many months. After we broke up she was dating in less than 3 weks. She also strung me along for 2 months after the break-up cause she wasn't sure and was confused. Turns out the guy she started dating is a guy who worked for her, a guy I knew. Ultimately she wound up moving him into our place. I recently heard from her father who hates the guy, that we was in jail for beating his ex, does drugs and owes my ex a ton of money. My ex used to own a business with her dad, since she started dating this guy she left the business, has been going out partying and this guy is sucking her for money. She called me up about a month ago saying, she "knows she will never marry this guy" and they never "had what we had". I know they didn't 11 years is hard to replace.....she also started saying she misses me and loves me and has been thinking of me alot lately. She knows how bad she hurt me and says she is sorry. I made an offer to her for us to get counseling together which I would pay for and we can start dating and take things nice and slow, and try to repair what we had. She said she would love to "if this guy wasn't living here". She said she can't just throw him out on the street. "it isn't right"....I basically told her she has a choice to make and not to speak to me again until she has a definate yes or no. It isn't fair to me.......2 weeks goes by I hear nothing......my sister inlaw calls me up and said she went out to lunch and saw my ex waitressing in the place....she said she told my ex " listen if you are'nt sure you have to leave him alone...it isn't fair and everytime you come and go like this it F$#Ks him up".......3 days later..... It is 3am my cell is going nuts with texts messages from my ex....." I need to see you"...."can I come see you..now".........I called her back and asked if everything was ok, she said "yes I just miss you Chris and I need to see you".......ends up...she got in a fight with this guy and went out by herself drinking. When she was leaving her house she went to get clothes, he told her "no you want clothes go to target and by some or stay you @ss at home". (she owns the house btw). When she got in the car I was very much like a rock, because all the times in the past I was the one to give and always got hurt. I told her " i'm not even gonna say anything right now, you can speak".......she starts with the " I'm done with him...I want him out". " I miss you and love you and I f^%ked up"......I basically let her know I will be there for her a million% to get her some help and we can work on us...but this guy has to go period.......she says it is weird that she saw my sister in law because she was thinking bout her that day and it was her day off and my sister actually never goes there....she also said that day her mom was telling her that day bout a card I wrote her after we split up. Fast forward to friday night 11/11. I get a text on my cell at 1am. " you wanna get a drink?". I told her if she wants to come by we can talk, but I def think this is something that needs to be done sober. She comes by I brought her in my house. Turns out they had another fight, he threw her accross the room and he told her " do what you wanna do...go see whoever you want...I don't care".......once again she tells me she is done with him and wants us. I told her if she wants me she has to make a move like soon...within the next couple of days...she needs to tell him to get out.....I told her she needs to "show" me something...all she is doing is "talking" a good game I need to "see" something..........she starts with.....that is unrealistic in 2 days.....it's not like I hate him and can just say get out.......she did say she would talk to him within the next couple of days.....we ended up hanging out in my room and talking and before you know it we kissed and all catiuon was thrown to the wind and we ended up having sex.( i know it was dumb)......I have been in contact with her all this week and she said she sat with him the other day to break the ice and talk bout thier relationship and how it isn't working out.......see she isn't one for confrontation and doesn't want it to get ugly between the 2 of them...............I pretty much told her yesterday she needs to move on this ASAP...." I'm not waiting around forever"........she says all her friends tell her the same thing....she needs to move on this because she is going to loose me................She told me yesterday she needs to check her work schedule and see when she is gonna be off and she keeps saying " I'm gonna sit and talk to him".......I told her lastnight " I don't wanna hear from you again, until he is out"....I also let her know" I have a date in mind on when I feel he should be out.....if you call me after then....I'm sorry I can't do this"..........she said "ok I'm gonna call you back with something concrete". I know alot of people say RUN.... she is gonna hurt you again....it can never work...after how she left you and what she did......but the fact remains.....I have loved this girl since we were kids....we shared a huge bond for 11 years and were inseperable. What is going on in her head? Can this work? Do you think she will get him out? Is she just using me because she is going through a tough time (which she denies) need some help bad.............I can't just tell her to take a hike at this point.....I will ALWAYS wonder what could have been.......she has been on my brain for 13 years now NONSTOP.........another strange note......her and I always used to make a wish when the clock hit 11:11...that night before she came by and this is true........I saw a shooting star and a friend said make a wish....well I made my usual wish bout me and her.....the date that night was 11-11.....and she came by that night....weird huh................PLEASE HELP IF ANYONE CAN???????????????

bump

I really appreciate all the advise you guys have given...I think I am starting to realize no matter what I do or say I can't help her even though she is going down the wrong road.....I also think due to her messed up childhood she is and always was incapable of loving me the way I loved her......She had it tough...was made to grow up very fast...running a businesss at age 23...putting all her dads assets in her name ..where now he is trying to ruin her financialy.....he possible sexually abused her....her brother tried having sex with her when she was 16.....so I know she has a ton of issues that go way beyond me.......once again my pain is I know there is a good girl in there and the way she is, is due to the way she was raised and wronged..and I would just wish there was something I could say to her to make her realize and get her into counselling.....bt I think for myself I have to ultimately come to grips with the fact that no matter what I do the writing is on the wall for her and her problems can't be mine....I have alot on my own to deal with........just hurts to see a person you love more than anything crumble and be surrounded by people who really don't care for her best interests as I do........................if nothing else I can say time does heal wounds or atleast makes them not sting as bad....I'm sure I'll feel better in a year from today than I do now and the same goes for the years following that........................thanks guys I appreciate the help......................any more info would be appreciated.....Chris

Hey all, It has been some time since I posted here but here is a brief history. My name is Chris I am 30 years old. My ex Chrsitina is 26. We were together for 11 years, engaged, owned a business together, living together and were best friends. She ultimatley left me about 2 years ago because she didnt get to "live her life" and "fell outta love with me". The relationship had alot of ups and downs I was very insecure and controlling. I have since been in counselling to overcome my issues. Christina is a very pretty girl and always got the attention from others(men) and I guess that scared me and I held on very tight. She ended up leaving me 2 weeks before Christmas in 2003 for a guy who was employed by her company. He is much older than me and has kids of his own. She ended up moving him into the place we lived in. I had to deal with many things since the break up. The thought of her kissing another man used to drive me nuts because I was the only one she was ever with at all. Needless to say know she is now living with him has been difficult. She contacted me recently telling me things like she misses me, and still loves me..and knows "she meesed up" by leaving. She is going through alot in her life right now..she left the business she owned with her father who is very controlling and is actually crazy(possibly sexually abused her). So she isn't working, left her dad, and opening admitts to me that she can never picture herslef marrying this guy...says she knows she will never find what we had with him or another. Against the advice from friends and family I pretty much told her if she is willing to make it work I will pay for us to go to counseling and take things very slow and be there for her every step of the way. She said "if he wasn't living here I would want to"....I said "tell him to leave then"....she says " I can't just put him on the street, he has nowhere to go and owes me money".....said if she were living on her own right now she definitely would. I pretty much told her it is an excuse and if she wanted us bad enough she would do what she has to do.......it is very weird in one breathe she will literally be crying saying she misses me and knows it isn't right to keep me hanging like this but on the other hand makes excuses. To sum this up......her and I spent 11 years together since we were 14 & 17 we were together ALL the time..bestfriends.... and when I see where she is right now and the choices she is making it hurts and I want to help her snap out of it........I KNOW it isnt my responsibility and I can't MAKE her do anything...but I see where she is headed and by her own admishion it isn't good.......I ultimately wound up telling her she needs to come back to me with a solid YES or NO with no attatchments and until she does I can't talk to her.....that was yesterday and I haven't heard from her since............questions are. If she has no true intentions of coming back why drag me into this again, when she know how hard it was on me and it nearly was the death of me? If she KNOWS she will never marry this guy why stay with him? Why can't I seem to shake this girl..she is in my EVERY thought for 2 years now(well 13 since I met her)? Is it possible for this relationship to EVER work after all that has gone on? Any advice would be greatly appreciated and sorry for the lenght of the post......PS I am currently dating a girl for a year now but it is more friends with beniffits type thing..due to both of us being outta long relationships.............thanks all.....Chris

mick8888 I complete understand what you are going through. I am in simulare situation myself with my ex. Here is a brief summary. We were together for 11 years since we were in high school, engaged and living together. She left me for a guy who worked for her business. He ultimatley moved in with her and is sleeping on my bed. Fast forward 2 years to this day, she calls me up crying saying she isnt happy with him and misses me and is in a bad spot in her life(not working, lost her business, he owes her money, regrets leaving me). When she left me I was mentally and physically devasted ( to say the least) my whole world crumbled, she was my "best friend". Point is where was she when I was truley dying, not eating, lost 40lbs,crying ,not being able to move(literally)....she was f*&king some other guy, not caring about me. I know it is hard but you have to protect YOU at any and ALL costs. I know you want to be there for her and help her cause you care and love her, but at what cost??? It CAN NOT be at the expense of your heart.....I am going through it now as I have said and all the people around me who care about ME say what I am gonna say to you.....you can't help or be there for her..you have to worry about YOU..no matter who hard it is...you have to worry bout you. Once again I know it is hard but ultimately we all need to do what we have to , to protect our hearts..thats just a sad fact about life...I hope this helps alittle.....Chris

k guys i wont you are right.....it's just that it is hard for me in the waiting phase..and wondering what her intensions are..ya know..pluss hard to advance in my new relationship(sorta) not knowing wht the deal is ..ya know

OK****** Here is what I think I'm gonna do.....................I think I am going to write her a letter something to the effect......"listen I really need to know what your intensions are here......I mean if you are thinking of possibly getting back together...then I will talk with you about that..........but....if your intensions are to just be friends or anything other than getting back together I really dont think it is a good idea to speak again............(she also knows i am seeing another girl so i want to add)....I really need to know which direction I should be going ...because if you and I are going to talk about getting back together than that is fine....but...if not .....I need to know because I am with this girl who i do care about and am close to starting a more seriuos relationship with.....................what do you guys think?..................thanks again

UPDATE**** After about a week of not hearing from her...she called and left a message crying because she was getting pulled over and needed someone to talk to....I didnt take the call but sent her an email saying " you should really be calling your boyfriend if you are upset and not me"...that was tuesday...got no responce from the email Today I decided to text message her " i love you" ( probably a bad idea)...she texts me back..."was that meant for me?"............I write back " yes and it always has been"...............she writes..." wow it is really ironic you sent that to me, im flabergasted is all i can say"....................I asked " whats ironic"..............she said " i'll tell oyu later"........ So she calls me around 6 pm on her way home from work and i aske what was ironic.......she said " well today my horoscope said a old love will contact you to try to reunite"...........she then says " I just broke up with that guy yesterday"................. I had these cd's for her and asked if she wanted to get them....cd's I made for her of song that remind me of us.............she said ok...............she met me at the school by my house..... and it was def weird seeing her again after 8 months..............we had a big strong hug and she started to cry.....she said she is all emotional because her period is coming next week................anyways we had some small talk....and i was holding her in my arms for a few mins and asked if i could giver her a hello "peck"...so i gave her a peck on the lips and went in for the kill(tongue)..........she pulled back and said " this is weird i cant kiss you like that i havent seen you in so long"............so we talked for another 10 mins or so and she got in her car and before she left i leaned in the car to give her a peck goodbye....well i pecked her ...she pecked back....then it turned into a full blown romantic passionate make out, like a movie kiss......i said " ok i'll talk to you soon" and she said " ok I'll call you".....................................................she also said when we were hugging that she is confused...i said about what .....she said "well about you ...this other guy...."......i didnt even touch that comment.................well I havent heard from her yet...................................................what do you guys think.....................................could this mean she wants to get back together............i mean she did agree to meet me to get cd's i made for her and def kissed me a great kiss goodbye and say how much she misses me.....or could this be her, just seeing if i still care.................i mean she knows i am currently hanging out with this other girl ( not exclusive though)..........any input would def help guys.............thanks

shocked&dismayed... WOW thanks alot...you have given alot of insight and i think you are probably correct...just sad though that people need to play these games........i mean after all the wrong she did to me in the end of the relationship.....i would still be willing to work things out..but I think you guys may be right..which really saddens me and makes me wish she didn't even call..........i'll keep you guys posted on what is going on thanks for all the help I really appreciate it..........Chris