wanderingalonenow

Yeah, I suppose I should just speak up and let her know that I don't particularly want to hear about everything with the new guy. I just didn't really think she'd be naive enough to believe that I'm completely healed, and ready to be a person she can talk to about her relationship... the relationship she ended ours to create. I'm not absolutely positive that I want to try things in the future. I made my share of mistakes, and I did my best to atone for them, but she handled things very very poorly. The whole situation highlighted how immature she is, and that's not so much something I want to go back to. I really appreciate the response, Caveat. I'm definitely not being all that accessible. I've actually been quite busy with a new position I have on campus. I think she's enjoying her new life. Having said that, I'm not sure what the purpose of maintaining occasional contact with me is... but at this point I don't think it's because she even looks at me as even a potential partner anymore. I'm doing well... and we'll just have to see what the future holds. Thanks again.

My ex broke up with me last April. That was undeniably the most painful experience of my life, but I think I learned a lot from it and grew up a lot because of it. I spent the summer piecing myself together, and feel good for the most part nowadays. I stopped initiating contact with her, and for the majority of the summer, she'd IM me or e-mail me about once a week. I was always friendly and light, and tried to do my best to end our conversations a little earlier than I wanted to. Then it just kinda stopped for about a month. I'm even to the point where I don't feel guilty looking at another girl, which is a good sign. With school starting up again, she's moved back to campus. Low and behold, I get a message from her the day after she moves back to campus. Once again, she got the most upbeat and happy version of me I could muster. And I'll admit it was good to hear from her. But what I don't understand is... a good chunk of the conversation she spent telling me about her plans with her new boyfriend (who she left me for) over the next few months... they're going camping, going to a concert, going on a road trip. I mean, I just don't understand what possessed her to tell me about all of that. I have been friendly and I really do want her to be happy... but come on. I just don't understand, I'm not over things to the point where I want to hear about those things. I reacted very well, and told her how happy I was for her that it seemed like she was going to be enjoying herself this fall, which is true. But I just don't understand what her motives were for telling me all of that... and it bothers me. Because that just seems like a spiteful thing to do. But maybe that's just because I'm looking at it too negatively. I kinda feel like she was fishing for a reaction (that I didn't give her). And I don't understand what I did to deserve something like that. Idk, does anyone else have any potential insight? I appreciate it.

Lady00, I find myself wondering that these days. My gf of a year and a half left me for someone else back in April. And for awhile, I was convinced that she was it for me and that I had ruined something that could've been truly great. I still love her very much... and hope to one day get a chance to be with her again... but I guess the fact that that day isn't today, nor is it going to be tomorrow is finally starting to settle in. And I'm finding peace with it. Because, I'm 20. What the hell can I even be sure of? I'm still trying to figure out who I am, just as she is. Right now I'm split. One half is totally, utterly, lovesick... that half is the half I blame for thinking and dreaming of her so often. The other half is looking at how things ended as a positive step in my growth. As my chance to really get out there and have some experiences. Maybe I'll find out that she really isn't as great as I thought... maybe I'll get out there and see that I really did "hit the jackpot" with my current ex. There really isn't much I can be sure of. All I know is that I'm trying to take it one day, one step, one breath, one heartbeat at a time.

Hopefully some of the more experienced members will post responses also, but here're my thoughts on it. Personally, I do think there has to be some way to interact with the ex in a "non-pressure" manner. A lot of the times, this manner of interaction takes on the form of a friendship. And with fun, light, positive time spent together, who knows, maybe his feelings for you will be rekindled. But at the same time, you run the risk of being trapped being "just friends." And it sounds like you don't want to just be friends. I'm kinda in a similar situation myself. Except my ex is seeing someone else... the guy she left me for. I'm unsure of what to do. I mean, she was my best friend in the world. She is the most beautiful person I've ever met... her zest for life really just made me feel alive. And while I miss the friendship, I would be lying if I said that being her friend is everything I'll ever want. For now at least, I still love her very much, and being friends isn't enough. But is it right to be her friend with the hopes of getting her back? I don't know, I just have this feeling that what I'm trying to do is be her friends under false pretenses. I have this feeling that she's totally ignoring that I still have feelings for her. We talk about once a week, and our conversations are always light. Borderline flirty on occasion. But I think I've been relegated to that friend role and she isn't putting any thought at all to me being a potential future mate. I don't know that I should expect any different. And as much as I'd like to remind her of my feelings... I know that's probably not the right thing to do. So it's a tought spot. Okay, I went off on a bit of a tangent there, sorry. Didn't mean to take away from your thread. But hopefully in all of my rambling, you'll at least see that being friends can be really, really complicated. Bottom line, I guess... is to listen to your gut... and follow your heart. Best of luck to you.

I don't really have much in the way of advice. But I just wanted to say that I think people jumped to a bit of a conclusion. When I read kantore's post, I kinda read into it that he's definitely interested in striking things up with the ex again, but is unsure about whether or not he should wait to tell her about his feelings towards her. Just afraid of pushing too hard, but I thought he wanted to reconcile with her. Maybe he can clarify about his feelings himself. But I just didn't like that people made such a negative assumption before he he had a chance to reply to j sorel's post. I mean you could be completely right, my interpretation of his post could be wrong, if he is considering dating other people then I agree with you guys, that isn't right. But we're here to support each other. And I just think we should ask for clarification before we make our responses. Just this lonely guy's opinion on the matter. And Kantore, I'm gonna assume you meant that you want to date her. If I were you, I'd continue to play it cool. What do you stand to gain by telling her you want to date when all of the distance is still there? Maybe a little, but probably not much. But you probably stand to lose something if she feels pressure. So just play it cool, make sure that you enjoy your encounters with her, and maybe once you're actually together again, you'll be back together.

Hi everyone - I'm not sure that this is the correct forum to be posting on, but here I am. I'm not even sure why I'm posting or what I expect anyone to say, but I just kinda feel like I need to get some stuff off of my chest, so here goes. Thanks if you manage to read it all... The abridged version of my story is the my ex left me at the beginning of April for someone else. I did a whole lot of begging and pleading (I look back and I'm ashamed... especially after everything I've learned from reading these boards...) that didn't get me anywhere. I was having to see her everyday (same collegel... same major) and it was really tearing me up. Once school ended, I started making a turn for the better. Could actually talk to the ex and have it not hurt too too bad. We were playing the friends game. More reading here helped me see that even though I could stand to talk to her, I still had a long ways to go as far as self-betterment and healing. Bottom line was that I don't just want to be her friend. And I think that she was taking my being able to talk to her as a sign that I was over her and didn't love her anymore (neither of which were true). So I stopped contacting her. I'd buckle pretty often, and just get set back. Always made sure to keep the conversations light and funny and showed that I still cared. But NC was just so hard. Recently, it had finally started to get easier. And I was starting to feel better than I had felt in a really long time. About myself, life, happiness... whole 9 yards. I really was starting to feel alive... found myself smiling a lot more, talking to a lot more people... I mean, something as simple as the thoughts that would go through my head as I walk to work in the morning... those, more often than not, were about better things, not always her. Don't get me wrong... I still found myself thinking about her, I still love her very much. But the situation wasn't eating me alive anymore. She was still IMing me as a "friend" but I was starting to get the feeling that she was either: 1) keeping in contact out of guilt/obligation or 2) I was just available, and a "fan" of hers (things with her friends, who're my friends also, got rough for awhile because of what she did). When I thought about the reasons she was still keeping in contact (highly unlikely due to her having second thoughts... as much as I wish that were the case) it made me kinda mad. I finally took her off my buddy list. Didn't decide to block her, but even removing from my buddy list was a good sign for me. I didn't find myself checking her profile, or always looking to see if she was on... and I could stop myself from adding her back to check up on her. I went for about a week and a half without so much as getting close to doing anything (I thought about it... and often had to try very hard not to) and was starting to think that maybe I was going to be okay. Then, a couple nights ago, she IMs me out of the blue. I answered, and by all accounts, it was a nice, pleasant, platonic conversation. She noted that she had been reading my profile and online journal and had noticed how much fun I'd been having. I enjoyed talking to her, I always have. I just wish I could figure out for sure what's going through her head. I don't want to be "friends" with her... back when I thought that was what I wanted, it started to seem like it was all so phony. Now, I'm just left thinking that maybe I shouldn't have answered. Maybe I should've ended the conversation a lot sooner than I did. I do love her... and eventually, I would like to try things with her again (she has some growing to do as well). But I don't necessarily want her to think that I don't love her anymore, which is the vibe I'm starting to get. Should I even be concerned with that? I'm just so confused. I am young. But I really feel like I love her with the type of love that families and happy marriages are built on. Having said that, I'm not stopping my life because I'm not with her. Like I said, I think I've grown a lot because of it all, and I'm really looking forward to branching out in the fall and taking the "new me" for a test run. I think if I met someone interesting, I could date casually even (hasn't happened yet, but who knows...). But I still love her. I'm looking forward to doing some things that I couldn't do with her, as a couple... enjoying being single... but I still love her. I know I don't need her to be happy (I thought I did... and I made the mistake of telling her that). But I want to be happy with her. I just don't want my being happy and growing and changing without her to be mistakenly interpreted as my love for her being dead. Because like I said... I still love her. Is that something I can really afford to concern myself with? Probably not. It's like... after talking to her, I find myself wondering about all of these things that I wasn't thinking about before. I find myself checking to see if she's online so I can read her profile, which I'd been doing a good job of not doing before. Ugh... I just feel so turned around. I'm still doing well. My outlook is still pretty positive. But I have been thinking about her a lot more since we talked last. My love for her never died, even when we weren't talking... but now I find myself worrying about all of these things that're out of my hands. What to do, what to do...

I'm sorry I can't offer any true advice. I'm still very much a mess myself and am trying to deal and cope with my loss. But what I can offer is support. This is the place to vent, post your thoughts, express your feelings, etc... for now. You can use this board to gather yourself and learn some things so that when she does come back, you know what you need to tell her because you've analyzed it and received feedback from the great people on this board. We're all here for you. Good luck. Be strong. On a side note, I just wanted to say that I genuinely enjoyed reading romantic sweetheart's reply. I don't know what it was about it, but it really touched me. Don't get me wrong, there's a plethora of posts that are informative and supportive... but yeah. Even though this wasn't my thread, thank you romantic sweetheart

Hey, I'm dysthymic as well. I'm glad to hear things have improved so much since your diagnosis. I don't think you're foolish for maybe wanting to try things again... but I don't necessarily blame your ex for being unsure. My advice (take it for what it is... I'm definitely not an authority on anything) is just try to start out building the friendship up. You need to give the ex a chance to see how much you've grown. Who knows, maybe they'll change their mind. Maybe not. I'm one to think that when you're starting back out, you need to kind of re-establish the trust that you once had before anything else. And if it takes being friends to do that... then yeah. I'd just take things slowly. Be a friend, put the person you've become on display. And just take things from there. There's no guarantee your ex will want to be more than friends... but the fact that they're coming back at all might be a good sign. Who knows... Be sure that you really want them back and that you're willing to put in the work that is going to be necessary. Trust is going to be a big issue since he/she left you for someone else. Right now, my ex and I are doing the "friends" thing. Just like in your situation, she left me for someone else. And even though we were only together for a year and a half compared to your 5, I still felt really betrayed. Because she hid how unhappy she was until she found someone else, then left me. Even after it all, I still love her more than anything. But I've come to accept that she's gone and respect her enough to not meddle(sp?) in her relationship. I'm hopeful that in the future, we'll get another shot. But I know that if that time comes, we're both going to have to commit to working on things... because the trust that was once there was shattered. And the "friendship" we have now, is just a shell of what once was. But, I do look at it as the chance to show her the man I've grown to be. And maybe she'll see me and start to wonder why she left... maybe not... maybe she will and I won't even be interested... oh, the possibilities are endless. But in your case, it sounds like you might be in a good position. Just proceed slowly, don't push too hard. Maybe ask her out on a casual date, nothing too serious. Just take it easy and let things unfold. Good luck!

I don't think it's weird that you grew to love him. From what I understand, more than a few relationships evolve that way. That's how my ex and I got started... we grew really close as friends, and I think it got to the point where we knew eachother better than anyone else. Next thing you know... we're together, not too far from falling in love. I wish I could explain why he withdrew all of a sudden. It sounds pretty strange to me, but I don't know him and I don't know what he was thinking. Heh, maybe he wasn't. I don't think my ex was thinking all that much when she jumped for her current bf. It was all about 'ease'. Our relationship wasn't easy anymore, the honeymoon was over, and we were facing some work. I don't think she really wanted that, so vroom, she was outta there. It's really ironic though... she was always harping on me about not being "committed" long-term. She worried that she was wasting her time with me if we were just going to split up when we graduate in a couple of years, and that my not wanting to say "I want to be with you forever" meant that I didn't love her enough. But never once... not when we were arguing, not when I was depressed, never did I stray from her in mind or in body. I never so much as looked at another girl. Turns out that it's her who's running from committment. Turns out it's her who wasn't really in love. But I guess that's life... I'm not so sure she even knows what love is. She just labels what she feels as love... but it isn't love, IMO. Good luck with your ex. Just stay strong. Don't stress too much over the lack of contact. I know you miss him... I know how it feels all too well. But just try to stay busy. It will pass in time. I'm still working through mine and it sounds like our relationships ended right around the same time... but I'm doing better. Just keep at it, post whenever you need to, and we'll all be here

I don't know that what I would do is even all that special... I would just want to hug her... hold her until she told me to stop... just spend every moment memorizing her touch, her smell, her smile... I guess I'd just want to sit down and really soak up all of the things that I dream about now that she's gone.. all of the things I miss the most.

Azure - I don't know how much good advice I can give you, but I can sympathize. I'm still working through a mess very similar to yours. My girlfriend broke up with me at the end of March/beginning of April... a lot of the I love you but I'm not in love with you, there's someone else who I'm starting to have feelings for stuff. I'll admit things weren't going well, but I honestly thought it was just a rough patch. We'd been together for awhile and been through a lot... and never for a second did I see us not being together in the future. Then, WHAM! Afterwards, she said she still cared for me as a dear friend, wanted me to be well, and really would like it if we could stay in touch. But I really didn't want that, at least not for awhile. It hurt too much. She was my best friend in the whole world, and it hurt to be around her, it hurt to talk to her... that really messed me up. I mean, there was this person who meant more than the world to me, but I couldn't associate with her anymore. Talk about confusing. But I knew it was best if I just tried to distance myself from her for awhile. And now, we're actually on decent terms. I still care for her a great deal and would love a chance to be with her in the future... but that time isn't now, and I've accepted that. My acceptance, I think, was by and large a result of getting that distance and being able to regain my composure and strength. So maybe in your situation... while it seems like he's being distant and it comes off as rude... maybe it's a good thing for you right now. I know exactly what it's like to feel like you not only lost your love, but you lost your best friend. But in reality, you can't go back to being best friends right afterwards, I don't think. Both parties (the dumper and dumpee) need some time apart. Use it wisely. Read all the posts here about taking this time to better yourself, for you. I know it hurts... I still hurt sometimes. I still get afraid, because part of me wants to be with her and I don't know if her relationship with the new guy is going to pan out or not. But I'm doing okay. My advice in a nutshell would be: don't force it. I know how he's cut himself off might feel rude and hurtful to you, but maybe it's a for the best. The good thing about friendships (true ones, at least) is that they don't just die (I suppose the same could be said for love... but I'm kinda cynical about love right now). So the time apart won't make a huge difference in the bigger scheme, as far as a friendship goes. And even in the case that you really would prefer to get back together with him above all else... he's making NC pretty easy for you, at least, right? My ex and I had to see eachother every weekday for two months after she broke up with me... and gosh... I really wouldn't wish that on anyone, I died all over again everyday. So use this time that he isn't in contact to your advantage. Read all the posts about people using this time for themselves. I've been working out like a maniac since it happened (although I did lose quite a bit of weight, so I really needed to put some meat back on my bones ), I'm rediscovering my passion for the piano, and I've also discovered that I'm a pretty good writer (started writing poetry). All great things. And to top it off... I came out of the semester with stellar grades, even with all of the grief. I am a much stronger, confident, and self-aware person that I ever was before. I actually think I'd be quite a catch for some girl out there someday... maybe it'll be her, maybe she'll see the new me in the fall and start to doubt her decision (I still would like to be with her)... but I have to at least face that maybe it won't be. And I can face that now. Allllllllll of this good stuff... probably due, at least in part, to being able to get some distance. So while I know it might hurt... take some good away from it. And when you start to get bummed out and need some encouragement, log on here. We're all here for you! Good luck.

Great thoughts. I'd really never looked at things quite that way.

But in letting go you have the best chance of becoming whole as an individual again. I am so sorry. I know how much it hurts. But letting go is the best thing to do. It'll give you time to heal. And who knows what the future holds... but you need to be healthy in an emotional and physical sense in order to get the most out of it.

Hey Jerseygirl - It may or may not be a sign. It all kind of depends on the type of guy he is. I mean, some people just don't like the idea of their friends dating their ex-es. I can remember that coming up in a conversation I had with some of my friends last year... and some of them (female as well as male) admitted they'd have a problem with one of their friends dating an ex of theirs. No one could really say why... it was "just because." If I ventured a guess, it'd be because that'd mean the ex would be a part of their lives (since he/she is dating one of their best friends), which might not be something they want. Then again, that might just be bs. It might just be territorial type stuff. Like even though you aren't with him anymore, he doesn't want to see you with anyone else, let alone his best friend. There're a bunch of ways you could look at it... you could analyze all day, but the only person who really knows is your ex. But I would give the two of them time to work it out on their own. You might go in trying to talk to him looking for something positive as far as him coming back, but it might not be there... and that'd hurt. Or it'd hurt me at least. It might be a good sign for you... but it might not be. So be guarded and try not to get your hopes up too much.

I can understand how you feel... but you have to accept, in my opinion, that she's going to learn it eventually. As much as it sucks because of how you still feel indebted to her, she has to make the decision to learn and grow on her own. You can put it out there... maybe she'll be open to hear what you're saying, maybe not. But you can't get stuck on the when's, how's, and why's of her personal development. It'd be nice if it only took someone talking to us for us to learn all we need to... but often, that isn't the case. Something at some point in her life is going to show her. Maybe the time is now and you're it. But maybe not. She very well may be confused... but you can't force her to think straight. Sometimes it just takes time to regain your composure. Thing is... you can sit and wonder about whether or not partying is really going to make her happy, about whether or not she knows what love is... but the only thing you can do is be supportive. And it sounds like you have too much angst built up to really come off in a way that most people would be responsive to. So if you do decide to try to talk to her... make sure you're in a state where you are in total control of your emotions so that you'll be in a good position to help her as you want to (if she's open to that).