wanderingalonenow

Yeah, I suppose I should just speak up and let her know that I don't particularly want to hear about everything with the new guy. I just didn't really think she'd be naive enough to believe that I'm completely healed, and ready to be a person she can talk to about her relationship... the relationship she ended ours to create. I'm not absolutely positive that I want to try things in the future. I made my share of mistakes, and I did my best to atone for them, but she handled things very very poorly. The whole situation highlighted how immature she is, and that's not so much something I want to go back to. I really appreciate the response, Caveat. I'm definitely not being all that accessible. I've actually been quite busy with a new position I have on campus. I think she's enjoying her new life. Having said that, I'm not sure what the purpose of maintaining occasional contact with me is... but at this point I don't think it's because she even looks at me as even a potential partner anymore. I'm doing well... and we'll just have to see what the future holds. Thanks again.

My ex broke up with me last April. That was undeniably the most painful experience of my life, but I think I learned a lot from it and grew up a lot because of it. I spent the summer piecing myself together, and feel good for the most part nowadays. I stopped initiating contact with her, and for the majority of the summer, she'd IM me or e-mail me about once a week. I was always friendly and light, and tried to do my best to end our conversations a little earlier than I wanted to. Then it just kinda stopped for about a month. I'm even to the point where I don't feel guilty looking at another girl, which is a good sign. With school starting up again, she's moved back to campus. Low and behold, I get a message from her the day after she moves back to campus. Once again, she got the most upbeat and happy version of me I could muster. And I'll admit it was good to hear from her. But what I don't understand is... a good chunk of the conversation she spent telling me about her plans with her new boyfriend (who she left me for) over the next few months... they're going camping, going to a concert, going on a road trip. I mean, I just don't understand what possessed her to tell me about all of that. I have been friendly and I really do want her to be happy... but come on. I just don't understand, I'm not over things to the point where I want to hear about those things. I reacted very well, and told her how happy I was for her that it seemed like she was going to be enjoying herself this fall, which is true. But I just don't understand what her motives were for telling me all of that... and it bothers me. Because that just seems like a spiteful thing to do. But maybe that's just because I'm looking at it too negatively. I kinda feel like she was fishing for a reaction (that I didn't give her). And I don't understand what I did to deserve something like that. Idk, does anyone else have any potential insight? I appreciate it.

Lady00, I find myself wondering that these days. My gf of a year and a half left me for someone else back in April. And for awhile, I was convinced that she was it for me and that I had ruined something that could've been truly great. I still love her very much... and hope to one day get a chance to be with her again... but I guess the fact that that day isn't today, nor is it going to be tomorrow is finally starting to settle in. And I'm finding peace with it. Because, I'm 20. What the hell can I even be sure of? I'm still trying to figure out who I am, just as she is. Right now I'm split. One half is totally, utterly, lovesick... that half is the half I blame for thinking and dreaming of her so often. The other half is looking at how things ended as a positive step in my growth. As my chance to really get out there and have some experiences. Maybe I'll find out that she really isn't as great as I thought... maybe I'll get out there and see that I really did "hit the jackpot" with my current ex. There really isn't much I can be sure of. All I know is that I'm trying to take it one day, one step, one breath, one heartbeat at a time.

Hopefully some of the more experienced members will post responses also, but here're my thoughts on it. Personally, I do think there has to be some way to interact with the ex in a "non-pressure" manner. A lot of the times, this manner of interaction takes on the form of a friendship. And with fun, light, positive time spent together, who knows, maybe his feelings for you will be rekindled. But at the same time, you run the risk of being trapped being "just friends." And it sounds like you don't want to just be friends. I'm kinda in a similar situation myself. Except my ex is seeing someone else... the guy she left me for. I'm unsure of what to do. I mean, she was my best friend in the world. She is the most beautiful person I've ever met... her zest for life really just made me feel alive. And while I miss the friendship, I would be lying if I said that being her friend is everything I'll ever want. For now at least, I still love her very much, and being friends isn't enough. But is it right to be her friend with the hopes of getting her back? I don't know, I just have this feeling that what I'm trying to do is be her friends under false pretenses. I have this feeling that she's totally ignoring that I still have feelings for her. We talk about once a week, and our conversations are always light. Borderline flirty on occasion. But I think I've been relegated to that friend role and she isn't putting any thought at all to me being a potential future mate. I don't know that I should expect any different. And as much as I'd like to remind her of my feelings... I know that's probably not the right thing to do. So it's a tought spot. Okay, I went off on a bit of a tangent there, sorry. Didn't mean to take away from your thread. But hopefully in all of my rambling, you'll at least see that being friends can be really, really complicated. Bottom line, I guess... is to listen to your gut... and follow your heart. Best of luck to you.

I don't really have much in the way of advice. But I just wanted to say that I think people jumped to a bit of a conclusion. When I read kantore's post, I kinda read into it that he's definitely interested in striking things up with the ex again, but is unsure about whether or not he should wait to tell her about his feelings towards her. Just afraid of pushing too hard, but I thought he wanted to reconcile with her. Maybe he can clarify about his feelings himself. But I just didn't like that people made such a negative assumption before he he had a chance to reply to j sorel's post. I mean you could be completely right, my interpretation of his post could be wrong, if he is considering dating other people then I agree with you guys, that isn't right. But we're here to support each other. And I just think we should ask for clarification before we make our responses. Just this lonely guy's opinion on the matter. And Kantore, I'm gonna assume you meant that you want to date her. If I were you, I'd continue to play it cool. What do you stand to gain by telling her you want to date when all of the distance is still there? Maybe a little, but probably not much. But you probably stand to lose something if she feels pressure. So just play it cool, make sure that you enjoy your encounters with her, and maybe once you're actually together again, you'll be back together.

Hi everyone - I'm not sure that this is the correct forum to be posting on, but here I am. I'm not even sure why I'm posting or what I expect anyone to say, but I just kinda feel like I need to get some stuff off of my chest, so here goes. Thanks if you manage to read it all... The abridged version of my story is the my ex left me at the beginning of April for someone else. I did a whole lot of begging and pleading (I look back and I'm ashamed... especially after everything I've learned from reading these boards...) that didn't get me anywhere. I was having to see her everyday (same collegel... same major) and it was really tearing me up. Once school ended, I started making a turn for the better. Could actually talk to the ex and have it not hurt too too bad. We were playing the friends game. More reading here helped me see that even though I could stand to talk to her, I still had a long ways to go as far as self-betterment and healing. Bottom line was that I don't just want to be her friend. And I think that she was taking my being able to talk to her as a sign that I was over her and didn't love her anymore (neither of which were true). So I stopped contacting her. I'd buckle pretty often, and just get set back. Always made sure to keep the conversations light and funny and showed that I still cared. But NC was just so hard. Recently, it had finally started to get easier. And I was starting to feel better than I had felt in a really long time. About myself, life, happiness... whole 9 yards. I really was starting to feel alive... found myself smiling a lot more, talking to a lot more people... I mean, something as simple as the thoughts that would go through my head as I walk to work in the morning... those, more often than not, were about better things, not always her. Don't get me wrong... I still found myself thinking about her, I still love her very much. But the situation wasn't eating me alive anymore. She was still IMing me as a "friend" but I was starting to get the feeling that she was either: 1) keeping in contact out of guilt/obligation or 2) I was just available, and a "fan" of hers (things with her friends, who're my friends also, got rough for awhile because of what she did). When I thought about the reasons she was still keeping in contact (highly unlikely due to her having second thoughts... as much as I wish that were the case) it made me kinda mad. I finally took her off my buddy list. Didn't decide to block her, but even removing from my buddy list was a good sign for me. I didn't find myself checking her profile, or always looking to see if she was on... and I could stop myself from adding her back to check up on her. I went for about a week and a half without so much as getting close to doing anything (I thought about it... and often had to try very hard not to) and was starting to think that maybe I was going to be okay. Then, a couple nights ago, she IMs me out of the blue. I answered, and by all accounts, it was a nice, pleasant, platonic conversation. She noted that she had been reading my profile and online journal and had noticed how much fun I'd been having. I enjoyed talking to her, I always have. I just wish I could figure out for sure what's going through her head. I don't want to be "friends" with her... back when I thought that was what I wanted, it started to seem like it was all so phony. Now, I'm just left thinking that maybe I shouldn't have answered. Maybe I should've ended the conversation a lot sooner than I did. I do love her... and eventually, I would like to try things with her again (she has some growing to do as well). But I don't necessarily want her to think that I don't love her anymore, which is the vibe I'm starting to get. Should I even be concerned with that? I'm just so confused. I am young. But I really feel like I love her with the type of love that families and happy marriages are built on. Having said that, I'm not stopping my life because I'm not with her. Like I said, I think I've grown a lot because of it all, and I'm really looking forward to branching out in the fall and taking the "new me" for a test run. I think if I met someone interesting, I could date casually even (hasn't happened yet, but who knows...). But I still love her. I'm looking forward to doing some things that I couldn't do with her, as a couple... enjoying being single... but I still love her. I know I don't need her to be happy (I thought I did... and I made the mistake of telling her that). But I want to be happy with her. I just don't want my being happy and growing and changing without her to be mistakenly interpreted as my love for her being dead. Because like I said... I still love her. Is that something I can really afford to concern myself with? Probably not. It's like... after talking to her, I find myself wondering about all of these things that I wasn't thinking about before. I find myself checking to see if she's online so I can read her profile, which I'd been doing a good job of not doing before. Ugh... I just feel so turned around. I'm still doing well. My outlook is still pretty positive. But I have been thinking about her a lot more since we talked last. My love for her never died, even when we weren't talking... but now I find myself worrying about all of these things that're out of my hands. What to do, what to do...

I'm sorry I can't offer any true advice. I'm still very much a mess myself and am trying to deal and cope with my loss. But what I can offer is support. This is the place to vent, post your thoughts, express your feelings, etc... for now. You can use this board to gather yourself and learn some things so that when she does come back, you know what you need to tell her because you've analyzed it and received feedback from the great people on this board. We're all here for you. Good luck. Be strong. On a side note, I just wanted to say that I genuinely enjoyed reading romantic sweetheart's reply. I don't know what it was about it, but it really touched me. Don't get me wrong, there's a plethora of posts that are informative and supportive... but yeah. Even though this wasn't my thread, thank you romantic sweetheart

Hey, I'm dysthymic as well. I'm glad to hear things have improved so much since your diagnosis. I don't think you're foolish for maybe wanting to try things again... but I don't necessarily blame your ex for being unsure. My advice (take it for what it is... I'm definitely not an authority on anything) is just try to start out building the friendship up. You need to give the ex a chance to see how much you've grown. Who knows, maybe they'll change their mind. Maybe not. I'm one to think that when you're starting back out, you need to kind of re-establish the trust that you once had before anything else. And if it takes being friends to do that... then yeah. I'd just take things slowly. Be a friend, put the person you've become on display. And just take things from there. There's no guarantee your ex will want to be more than friends... but the fact that they're coming back at all might be a good sign. Who knows... Be sure that you really want them back and that you're willing to put in the work that is going to be necessary. Trust is going to be a big issue since he/she left you for someone else. Right now, my ex and I are doing the "friends" thing. Just like in your situation, she left me for someone else. And even though we were only together for a year and a half compared to your 5, I still felt really betrayed. Because she hid how unhappy she was until she found someone else, then left me. Even after it all, I still love her more than anything. But I've come to accept that she's gone and respect her enough to not meddle(sp?) in her relationship. I'm hopeful that in the future, we'll get another shot. But I know that if that time comes, we're both going to have to commit to working on things... because the trust that was once there was shattered. And the "friendship" we have now, is just a shell of what once was. But, I do look at it as the chance to show her the man I've grown to be. And maybe she'll see me and start to wonder why she left... maybe not... maybe she will and I won't even be interested... oh, the possibilities are endless. But in your case, it sounds like you might be in a good position. Just proceed slowly, don't push too hard. Maybe ask her out on a casual date, nothing too serious. Just take it easy and let things unfold. Good luck!

I don't think it's weird that you grew to love him. From what I understand, more than a few relationships evolve that way. That's how my ex and I got started... we grew really close as friends, and I think it got to the point where we knew eachother better than anyone else. Next thing you know... we're together, not too far from falling in love. I wish I could explain why he withdrew all of a sudden. It sounds pretty strange to me, but I don't know him and I don't know what he was thinking. Heh, maybe he wasn't. I don't think my ex was thinking all that much when she jumped for her current bf. It was all about 'ease'. Our relationship wasn't easy anymore, the honeymoon was over, and we were facing some work. I don't think she really wanted that, so vroom, she was outta there. It's really ironic though... she was always harping on me about not being "committed" long-term. She worried that she was wasting her time with me if we were just going to split up when we graduate in a couple of years, and that my not wanting to say "I want to be with you forever" meant that I didn't love her enough. But never once... not when we were arguing, not when I was depressed, never did I stray from her in mind or in body. I never so much as looked at another girl. Turns out that it's her who's running from committment. Turns out it's her who wasn't really in love. But I guess that's life... I'm not so sure she even knows what love is. She just labels what she feels as love... but it isn't love, IMO. Good luck with your ex. Just stay strong. Don't stress too much over the lack of contact. I know you miss him... I know how it feels all too well. But just try to stay busy. It will pass in time. I'm still working through mine and it sounds like our relationships ended right around the same time... but I'm doing better. Just keep at it, post whenever you need to, and we'll all be here

I don't know that what I would do is even all that special... I would just want to hug her... hold her until she told me to stop... just spend every moment memorizing her touch, her smell, her smile... I guess I'd just want to sit down and really soak up all of the things that I dream about now that she's gone.. all of the things I miss the most.

Azure - I don't know how much good advice I can give you, but I can sympathize. I'm still working through a mess very similar to yours. My girlfriend broke up with me at the end of March/beginning of April... a lot of the I love you but I'm not in love with you, there's someone else who I'm starting to have feelings for stuff. I'll admit things weren't going well, but I honestly thought it was just a rough patch. We'd been together for awhile and been through a lot... and never for a second did I see us not being together in the future. Then, WHAM! Afterwards, she said she still cared for me as a dear friend, wanted me to be well, and really would like it if we could stay in touch. But I really didn't want that, at least not for awhile. It hurt too much. She was my best friend in the whole world, and it hurt to be around her, it hurt to talk to her... that really messed me up. I mean, there was this person who meant more than the world to me, but I couldn't associate with her anymore. Talk about confusing. But I knew it was best if I just tried to distance myself from her for awhile. And now, we're actually on decent terms. I still care for her a great deal and would love a chance to be with her in the future... but that time isn't now, and I've accepted that. My acceptance, I think, was by and large a result of getting that distance and being able to regain my composure and strength. So maybe in your situation... while it seems like he's being distant and it comes off as rude... maybe it's a good thing for you right now. I know exactly what it's like to feel like you not only lost your love, but you lost your best friend. But in reality, you can't go back to being best friends right afterwards, I don't think. Both parties (the dumper and dumpee) need some time apart. Use it wisely. Read all the posts here about taking this time to better yourself, for you. I know it hurts... I still hurt sometimes. I still get afraid, because part of me wants to be with her and I don't know if her relationship with the new guy is going to pan out or not. But I'm doing okay. My advice in a nutshell would be: don't force it. I know how he's cut himself off might feel rude and hurtful to you, but maybe it's a for the best. The good thing about friendships (true ones, at least) is that they don't just die (I suppose the same could be said for love... but I'm kinda cynical about love right now). So the time apart won't make a huge difference in the bigger scheme, as far as a friendship goes. And even in the case that you really would prefer to get back together with him above all else... he's making NC pretty easy for you, at least, right? My ex and I had to see eachother every weekday for two months after she broke up with me... and gosh... I really wouldn't wish that on anyone, I died all over again everyday. So use this time that he isn't in contact to your advantage. Read all the posts about people using this time for themselves. I've been working out like a maniac since it happened (although I did lose quite a bit of weight, so I really needed to put some meat back on my bones ), I'm rediscovering my passion for the piano, and I've also discovered that I'm a pretty good writer (started writing poetry). All great things. And to top it off... I came out of the semester with stellar grades, even with all of the grief. I am a much stronger, confident, and self-aware person that I ever was before. I actually think I'd be quite a catch for some girl out there someday... maybe it'll be her, maybe she'll see the new me in the fall and start to doubt her decision (I still would like to be with her)... but I have to at least face that maybe it won't be. And I can face that now. Allllllllll of this good stuff... probably due, at least in part, to being able to get some distance. So while I know it might hurt... take some good away from it. And when you start to get bummed out and need some encouragement, log on here. We're all here for you! Good luck.

Great thoughts. I'd really never looked at things quite that way.

But in letting go you have the best chance of becoming whole as an individual again. I am so sorry. I know how much it hurts. But letting go is the best thing to do. It'll give you time to heal. And who knows what the future holds... but you need to be healthy in an emotional and physical sense in order to get the most out of it.

Hey Jerseygirl - It may or may not be a sign. It all kind of depends on the type of guy he is. I mean, some people just don't like the idea of their friends dating their ex-es. I can remember that coming up in a conversation I had with some of my friends last year... and some of them (female as well as male) admitted they'd have a problem with one of their friends dating an ex of theirs. No one could really say why... it was "just because." If I ventured a guess, it'd be because that'd mean the ex would be a part of their lives (since he/she is dating one of their best friends), which might not be something they want. Then again, that might just be bs. It might just be territorial type stuff. Like even though you aren't with him anymore, he doesn't want to see you with anyone else, let alone his best friend. There're a bunch of ways you could look at it... you could analyze all day, but the only person who really knows is your ex. But I would give the two of them time to work it out on their own. You might go in trying to talk to him looking for something positive as far as him coming back, but it might not be there... and that'd hurt. Or it'd hurt me at least. It might be a good sign for you... but it might not be. So be guarded and try not to get your hopes up too much.

I can understand how you feel... but you have to accept, in my opinion, that she's going to learn it eventually. As much as it sucks because of how you still feel indebted to her, she has to make the decision to learn and grow on her own. You can put it out there... maybe she'll be open to hear what you're saying, maybe not. But you can't get stuck on the when's, how's, and why's of her personal development. It'd be nice if it only took someone talking to us for us to learn all we need to... but often, that isn't the case. Something at some point in her life is going to show her. Maybe the time is now and you're it. But maybe not. She very well may be confused... but you can't force her to think straight. Sometimes it just takes time to regain your composure. Thing is... you can sit and wonder about whether or not partying is really going to make her happy, about whether or not she knows what love is... but the only thing you can do is be supportive. And it sounds like you have too much angst built up to really come off in a way that most people would be responsive to. So if you do decide to try to talk to her... make sure you're in a state where you are in total control of your emotions so that you'll be in a good position to help her as you want to (if she's open to that).

I think I understand where you're coming from a little more. My ex and I... she knows that I understand her like no one else. And recently, she was going through a rough time because it's a time of year that she normally celebrated a lot of things with her grandmother who passed last fall as well as going through some minor surgery. I don't know if it damaged my chances of getting her back... but I couldn't not be there for her. I really let her lean on me during that week as a friend, and we talked a lot about how she was feeling. I don't know if she was talking to the new guy about things... and frankly it didn't matter. I just felt like after all we'd been through, it'd be kinda selfish of me to not support her if I could. But I had to do it from a platonic standpoint. I couldn't tell her how much I loved her... how much I wanted to be there and hold her and dry her tears... how willing I would be to suffer the post-surgery pain for her... all that and not expect anything back from her. I did it for her... and it was hard. But I learned a little about how strong I am, too. Because not too many people would have done what I did. I know what you mean about wanting to help her along. I still feel like my ex has a really shallow, superficial idea of what love is. Sometimes I just... I want to be able to show her my love... so that she knows what true love is. So that she really understands what it is to care for someone. She, I think, only looks at guys she's with in relation to how they make her feel. They don't get to be separate entities with their own set of quirks and flaws. This is something she needs to work on... or learn somehow... if she's ever going to have a happy long-term relationship. But I'm not in a position to help her learn it anymore. Part of me hopes that in being around me, and seeing how much I care for here even after all she did, she'll start to understand what it is to truly love and be in love with someone. To date, I'm not sure she has. In my opinion (and it's just my opinion), I don't think she's ever truly been in love. Even though she's been in a lot more relationships than I have, I think I have a better understanding than she does right now. I know I love her. But I've accepted what's out of my hands. You really have to come to grips with what you can and cannot do. If she can't accept you... if she can't open herself to at least hear what you're saying... there isn't much you can do. And it doesn't sound like she's going to earnestly listen to anything you tell her. I know how much you want to help... I know how it feels to feel like you owe her... like you're obligated to help her... but maybe right now is not the time to do it. Maybe you aren't that person. But maybe you are, you might just have to wait for the appropriate time and place. It just doesn't seem to me (from what I've read) that that time is now. Best of luck to you.

You sound a lot like I did after it first happened... alone... confused... conflicted... angry... hurt... lost... and still very much in love. It's a really rough place to be in. I wish none of us ever had to feel this way. Some days I didn't (and even today sometimes) know which was was up or down, what was right or wrong, whether or not what I saw was reality. And it's so hard... I've been right there, and in some ways I'm still there. But... I took a turn for the better a few weeks ago. There's hope mix... as much as you might be afraid sometimes... as much as it might hurt... don't let her win. Take it as a challenge. Yes, you might've made some mistakes. I sure as hell know I did. But the biggest mistake you're ever going to make is not taking away the important lessons to be learned from the mistakes you make. A mistake doesn't destroy you... it builds you up if you let it. I tried to stop dwelling on the loss and tried to focus on what I had gained. Because the fact of the matter is that since it's happened, I've grown up a lot. I'm a changed man... and oddly enough, I'm thankful for it. Now if you asked me "If you could go back and still have her in your life without having to change, would you do it?" I'd probably have to think. Because I love her more than anything else. But it wouldn't be a dead giveaway... I'm a much better person that the one she was in a relationship. A person I know things could work out with if we do get back together... I'm not so sure she could've lived her life with the person I was... but I know she could stay with me. I'm trying to appeal to the part of you that is still very much in love there. Because sometimes when people give you advice that doesn't address what you want (HER) you don't want to hear it. At the same time, I guess it's important to realize that you might not get back together with her. I very much feel like my ex and I could be happier together than either of us could with anyone else. I still feel that way. But I try not to be discouraged that we're not together right now. After all, it was losing her that catalyzed my growth. Something that... maybe was necessary, idk. And maybe we're apart now because she still has some growing up to do herself (which I think she does). But not being together now does not necessarily mean you weren't meant to be. Maybe it just means you weren't meant to be together for now. Maybe this was just a step in your personal growth. It sucks that it takes such pain sometimes... but it does take just that for some people. I think I was one of those people. My heart tells me that I'm better for her long-term, that I love her like no one else ever will. But if my heart had it's way, I wouldn't be the person I am today. So maybe it's time to start thinking a little more with my head that my heart. Once I got to that point, things got better. I really feel like I got introduced to myself because of everything that happened. Find something positive... something optimistic... and hold on to that with everything you have. Take this time to focus on you and on you alone. The new awareness you get from introspection like that may be the thing that brings her back. Or it might be the thing that brings a new woman into your life. Either way, it's important. Not only for your future relationships (which may or may not be with her), but for yourself.

Hey, I've been trying to improve myself much like you guys. I think the two biggest things that I've focused on is being more affectionate and more open about how I feel. It's kinda hard to do outside the context of a relationship, but so far I really do feel like I've made progress in both aspects with relationships that I have with friends. I mean, just my whole outlook on things is a lot brighter now. I smile a lot more And I feel good. I also had my own fair share of psychological fears (commitment) that I didn't want to face in the relationship. It scared me that we're so young, yet I foung myself wanting to marry her. I was afraid that I'd lose her and look what happened. Some might say that I created my own reality. But I've since faced that. And I've since admitted to myself (too little too late) that I really would like to see her and I spend our lives together. That one's tough, because there's nothing I can do about it. But I have faced it and accepted it. Just in general... you could say that I've done a lot of introspection. I've grown a lot... and as weird as this might sound, I've learned a lot about who I really am. I think that's the most important thing. Is to be self-aware... know your strengths as well as your flaws. Breakups are sometimes what it takes to make you sit down in front of that mirror and really ask "Who am I?"

Yep. It sucks. And as angry as it makes me sometimes, the fact of the matter is that she was unhappy. She was misinterpreting how things were (the reasons we weren't spending as much time together), but she was unhappy and I feel like I should've known that sometimes. And yeah, when it first went down, she tried to do it such that I wouldn't be able to come meet her in person b/c she was afraid she'd start to change her mind. But in that... I don't know, if she feels like that's what she wants, then I love her enough to respect her decision. It's just... at the time, I don't think she really knew what she wanted. There was me on one hand... a guy she'd been with for a year and a half and a relationship that would require some work... on the other hand, she has this new guy who is more similar to her, and a relationship that would be "easy." I think she just went for ease, to be honest. But if this is something she needs to do, then so be it. I just hope one day I get to tell her how I feel and have it mean something to her. Seems like our situations are somewhat similar. I understand what you meant about doing a mix of the "friend" vs. "more than that" in my response. Thanks for the reply.

Hi all. I won't go through all of the details of my situation, but my ex and I are on friendly terms right now (she considers me to be a great "friend"... and I think I'm strong enough to be okay with that for now even though I want more). She's also happily with someone else. From time to time, we end up talking about our relationship and where things went wrong (usually by her initiation). When that happens, I usually just try to focus on what I know I did wrong and address areas that I've grown in since we were together. As a big "what if," let's say she asks me one day about how I feel about her right now (not that I really expect her to ask that, but I don't want it to catch me off guard if she ever does)? Do I tell her how much I love her or do I just continue to play it cool and tell her that I'm okay with just being friends? I did more than my share of chasing right after she left me and just ended up pushing her into his arms, and I just don't want to blow that again. But I'm not trying to lie or play games either. And in the friend role, I don't exactly want to meddle in her relationship. I think I'm better than that... better than the guy she's with now, because that's what he did. I don't think she regrets ending up with him (they have so much in common, they're so alike, she has so much fun with him, bla, bla). But she does know that if she had talked to me out in the open about things before she left, she would've never broken up with me (admitted that to me one day, but I'm guarded in taking it at face value). Lack of openness was a problem on both our parts, but I really feel like if she's going to decide to leave, she has an even bigger responsibility to be honest with me about how she feels. So that she makes her decision based on reality, not just her perception of things. (this is not to say I absolve myself of any fault... I take the responsibility for the way things were myself, I just think she should've told me how unhappy she was... she just pretended everything was fine until she found the new guy)

Thanks I think I've made a lot of progress. It isn't that I don't love her... I still love her more than life itself. But I know that dwelling on it isn't going to bring her back... and it's just going to make me waste away (I've done enough of that already). And even if I'm going to be completely unrealistic about things, she won't want to come back if I'm not healthy. So I've gotta take care of me and do whatever it takes to... get in touch with myself, so to speak... idk if that makes sense to you guys. Really examine myself and ask "What makes you happy?" (other than her) Then go about getting/doing those things. I still get scared... but I'm to a point where I can slow down and tell myself to be patient. To let it pass. I'm just going to be me... and let life unfold.

I appreciate all of the replies. And I understand what you mean about changing for me. I have... the growing up I've done, I mean, I like me now (not that I hated myself before). So whether some of it was motivated by things she talked to me about or not... I don't think it's all that relevant if I enjoy where I'm at right now. I also definitely hear what you guys are saying about possibly holding on too much and about not pining for her. I don't plan to. I'm going to be open to whatever life brings my way. I plan to maybe even go out on some dates this summer... kinda see if I'm ready and move from there. But right now, I still carry her in my heart... she still runs through my head... and long-term (the feeling I have right now) I think we'd make each other really happy. I'll never be perfect... neither will she... but I think we complement each other really well. And I think we're headed more or less in the same direction. So if it works out, it works out. And if it doesn't, I will be able to look back and know that I learned to love... and that I became a man and learned a lot about the ways of the world because of it. I'm not really certain of anything. There are frequent moments when I start to think about the here and now... she's gone, she's with him... what if she never comes back... what if she realizes it but it's so late that we've gone our separate ways... things of that nature. I plain get scared sometimes... like my body physically reacts to the thought of not being with her. But I find that if I slow down and try to be optimistic... or at least try to force myself to think positively, then it passes. Always comes back, but it passes. So while I understand your concern... I face the possibility that she'll never come back and that we may never be together. I face it often.

My girlfriend of a year and a half broke up with me for someone else back in April. I did go through a very bad phase where I wasn't eating or sleeping or going to class, but I think I'm in a better place than that now. And as much as I hate to admit it, I'm a better person because of everything that happened. I have grown up, so to speak. Here's my question... after reading how I feel about the situation now (below), do you think I'm at least moving towards being healthy? Or is how I'm looking at things hurting me? I'm not sure that this is going to make much sense, but here goes... I still love her more than I'll ever be able to express here. Some nights, I still wake up crying just wanting to hold her in my arms. But... I'm angstfully thankful for everything that's happened. I know I'm a better man for it, and should I ever get the chance to be with her in the future, I know I'll be able to love her as she deserves to be loved. Sometimes I sit and think about what we could have... and it's just so beautiful. A lot of the reasons she broke up with me weren't based in reality, just misperceptions which we've since talked about and cleared up. And those things that were faults of mine, I've worked on and really have changed. We're on friendly terms now. Occasionally we end up talking about why things ended between us (I never initiate this), but I know she's happy with the guy she's with now. I know that her decision was a short-term, here and now decision. She knows the same too, but I think she just believes that since she made the decision she did, she needs to see it through to see if something comes of the relationship with him. Kind of a "take the best as it comes along" mentality. He was something good that came along at the right time (bad point in our relationship) so she's taking it and hoping for the best. She admitted to me one day that if we had had an open honest heart to heart talk like we have since we broke up, we'd still be together. She says that... but I'm guarded... because she didn't necessarily say she regrets ending up with someone else. I'm confident that I'm better for her long term... I had begun to see myself asking her to marry me not too far down the line. The problems were there are easily solvable, esp now that I've gone through my "evolution." So now I'm at a point where I really do see myself being a better mate for her. I think we'd be great together, and I'd like to believe that great things will be given a chance to be actualized, that maybe if we are meant to be then eventually she'll open her eyes. And I find that to be somewhat comforting... confidence-building almost. I'm just going to be me... the new me... and let whatever happens after that happen. I don't see the new guy as much of a threat anymore... I do my best not to think about him and her being together. We're "friends" now, and I would never do anything to meddle in her current relationship, but I do want to be a part of her life in some capacity. She was my best friend in the world... and I miss that as much as I miss the love. While I still love her, I'm not going to dwell on the fact that I'm not with her. Maybe the reason we aren't together right now is because she has a little growing up to do as well (personally, I think how she views relationships and love even is pretty superficial and shallow...). Long term, I still want to be with her... but for now, I just want to enjoy myself and take whatever opportunities life sends my way. Who knows... maybe I'll change my mind... maybe I'll meet someone who I see as even better for me. Maybe not. But at least I'll be in good position to either happily be with her again or start something new with someone else.

Yeah, that's something I've learned. Thing was, I knew how I felt... but she didn't. And I guess in knowing how I felt, I just assumed she'd be able to see it in my actions. I wish so much I could go back and tell her everything... but I can't. But that's definitely something I've learned. Although... I have to admit, I don't think I was totally aware of how deeply I loved her until she was gone. Not to say I didn't love her before... I did. But I guess you could say my definition of love has changed. What I call love now and what I thought love was before are totally different. Idle wishing... but I wish I could go back in time now and teach the me back then what I know and feel now.

I'm in the same boat as you are, so unfortunately I can't give you my personal story to inspire hope. But... I can tell you a story a lady I know told me. Take from it what you will. Waaaay back when, she and her current husband were in school together, and had been dating for awhile. At some point, they broke up. She was devastated, but eventually healed enough to start dating again. She really enjoyed spending time with the new guy, and they stayed together for about 6 months. That relationship ended. But a few months later, she reunited with her "hubby" and the rest is history. They were apart for 9 months, dated other people, and eventually found their way back to each other. So yeah, it does happen. You know the saying "when one door of opportunity closes, another opens elsewhere"... she stressed to me the importance of "closing that old door" so that you're in a position for something good to happen and not miss it. You really have to let go to move on... but who knows... maybe (as it was in her case) the one you're broken-hearted over now will be behind one of those future doors of opportunity. Hearing her story really made me look at things a little differently. I didn't walk away thinking "oh great, she'll be back, she'll be with him for awhile then we'll get back together." But I did come away with a decreased feeling of dread and immediacy. Like that "now or never" feeling I was having. Right now, I'm hopeful that things will work out between us in the future. But I don't feel the pressure that I felt before. I can even say that maybe there's been a reason for what's happened... that maybe it's for the better (b/c I have grown a lot). Like I said, I still love and miss and think about her. But I have a better outlook on things. Hope this helped at least a little, and good luck. My two cents (for what they're worth... because I'm struggling with things myself): If anything, I've learned that it really isn't the situation that dictates things. You do... you control your thoughts (although for awhile, it didn't feel like I could control mine). But you do control them. And it really doesn't hurt to pretend to be optimistic, even when you aren't. Because sometimes, you find yourself feeling better because of it.