EmptySoul

I really like the 4th stanza, and in the last stanza, the lines: -E.

I really like this poem. It flows well and is a great piece of writing. -E.

I usually don't like rhyming poetry, but I like this poem. -E.

The rain's freezing I'm empty and the day is Grey I see you for the first time In a while Your eyes on me And everything's rushing back I'm staring at my scarred up legs While your voice eats at me Your eyes more than anything Telling me I haven't come so far No, not at all I can't even find my anger I guess it's been misplaced And suddenly you're gone Leaving me even emptier than before Staring at my scarred wrists Wondering why I didn't try a little harder. -E.

A lot of people don't agree with it, but as I wrote in one of my other posts, me and a couple of friends take xanax to get high. The other day my friend was really high, he'd taken 5 xanax. We hug normally and I've held his hand before to keep him from falling over when he was high. But that day it kept seeming like he was trying to hold my hand, and he put his arm around my shoulders. He kept hugging me way more than usual and then when school was over, his hug seemed a bit too long and when he let go he kind of rubbed my hip. Then he told me he loved me. (I didn't say it back, of course, I just said bye and left.) I just assumed it all was because he was high. The next day I just asked him if he remembered the day before at all and he said no. But, completely sober, he still seemed more touchy-feely than normal, and he put his arm around my shoulders again. These guys kept saying that me and him have sex, and it just made everything worse. I was telling them no, our friendship isn't like that, and I couldn't read his face, I really couldn't tell what he was thinking...He hasn't actually said anything, his actions are just... We've been friends for a few years, just finally getting closer this school year. He's never hit on me and now...I don't know if that fact that he's starting doing drugs is bringing everything out. I'm upset about all of this, I'll have to end this friendship if things don't go back to normal...Normally this is how friendships go, and I end it immediately, but I really get along well with this guy and want to try to save this if I can. If I just ignore the things he's doing, will it go away? I feel like if I straight out tell him, "I don't like you in a romantic or sexual way." it will ruin everything, because I will either embarrass him, or, if I'm wrong about this, myself. Help. -E.

My favorite lines: Good job. -E.

This needs to be in journals because I'm not asking for advice. But I already put it in this section so... I'm just writing. My stupidity and addiction to self-destruction will probably just make you angry... Monday me and a friend took 3 xanax. We hadn't used it very much before, so neither of us can really remember much. We had to ask everyone else what happened. I passed out on the bus ride to my afternoon classes, had to be practically carried to the vo-tec school because I couldn't walk. I tripped over a table and when I bent down to pick up the papers I dropped, I fell over. I fell down more than once in the hallway. I passed out in class. When the substitute finally told me she was going to walk me to the counselor, I had to hold on to the wall. When I got back to my school I had to go to the principal's because the vo-tec school had already called him. They looked in my shoes, my pockets, my purse, everything in my purse. I said I was just really tired, and when they called my parents, I told my mom the same thing. The rest of the night was pretty much the same, slurring words and tripping over everything. All I remember of the entire day is taking the pills, tripping over a table, a white blur that was the substitute, the principal making me take off my shoes, my grandpa, and passing out again at 9pm. My friend who took the pills...he had pretty much the same results at school, except he didn't get sent to the counselors' or anything. But I guess when he saw me going off to the principal's when school was about over, he flipped out. He woke up the next day with cuts on his arm he didn't remember doing, he'd wrecked his moms' new jeep, driving through a ditch and hitting a tree. And then he tried to hang himself, because he felt responsible for whatever trouble I was in. Luckily the rope broke. He said it seemed like a reasonable thing to do at the time. Then we come back to school, and pick a day to medicate ourselves again. We kill ourselves for just a little bit of happiness, or I guess, just oblivion. -E.

I think you probably need to confront him, at least to get closure. Otherwise you'll always be thinking about what you wanted to say to him. -E.

*laughs* Magical penis's. Makes me think of like glitter and fairy dust...weird... -E.

luvursmile, I think if a person has a specific problem they want help on, then yes, counseling is probably a good idea. But they have to have the will to change, or there's no point. -E.

I guess it's just our society, it makes no sense at all. Alcohol, cigarettes, even drugs usually, are more acceptable than cutting, when really, it all is harming our body, so it's all self injury. Just like the fact that we have assemblies telling us to love ourselves and not develop eating disorders, when all we see in the media is eating disorders. Our society is so hypocritical, and so are most people. They're worrying about eating disorders and cutting so much, but they're not even paying attention to where it's all coming from. People are cruel, ignorant, and close minded. If it's not the way they do something, then it's weird and wrong or unhealthy. Until the rest of society advances, we have to deal with their stupid ****. (Sorry, I hadn't planned on ranting.) -E.

xprincessbugx, It's very rude, not to mention immature, to assume things like that when you have no idea what you're talking about. luvursmile and need2bme were at least respectful in the way that they replied, unlike you. luvursmile and need2bme, self-injury is usually a stress thing, like smoking or hitting something or doing drugs. (I'm speaking in general terms, not everyone does these things because of stress.) It can also have to do with self-worth, if a person doesn't like themselves or they feel that they deserve to be hurt, then self-injury feels right. Some people just like the way it looks and feels. There are a lot of reasons and they vary from person to person. I always compare self-injury to smoking when I'm trying to explain it, though there are a lot of people who smoke and don't agree with me. Smokers, when they light a cigarette they feel calmer and less stressed. It makes them feel better. Despite the fact that it gives us lung cancer, enphyzema, etc. Just like people cutting, which makes us feel calmer and less stressed, despite the fact that we're injuring our bodies... -E.

I agree with you, it's just not the same on other areas. It's very frustrating having to cut on other areas to avoid trouble. but it's a choice you have to make, whether or not it's worth it to cut where you want. Oh, just something you might try...if you really miss cutting on your arms but don't want to get in trouble, the inside of your bottom lip bleeds a lot, as does the shoulder. And thigh cuts look very very pretty...almost comparable to wrist and arm cuts. -E.

On the edge falling toward suicide in self destruction that night, every time you bled me dry with my own emotion and the stupid games you play the words on your lips are only words- they're as worthless as your affection everything you asked for i surrendered until i'd given all of me and you were still lying through your teeth blank eyes and your hand in mine telling me we're in this together. -E.

I understand your problem...trust is a big issue. Because most people lie and backstab. And yeah, if you throw yourself out there completely you could get hurt again. But if you close yourself off, you will lose people, and you'll regret it later. You have to find a spot somewhere in the middle, trusting, but not naive. Don't compare people you date now to that first girl, that's not fair- everyone is different. Don't focus on the past, work on now, talk to who you're with about how you want things to be, but don't nitpick and start arguments... -E.

Make sure that you don't exercise anytime closer than a few hours before you go to bed, exercising gives you energy and it will make it that much harder for you to get to sleep. Try to cut out caffeine, if you're drinking a lot of soda of coffee or anything like that. And you said sleep aids aren't working, but maying you should try to get prescribed sleeping pills, which are usually stronger than over the counter sleep aids. Hope you get some sleep and things work out... -E.

lifeless on the floor headphones blaring with screaming or sad accoustics depending on the day hands are shaking despite the numbness and i just can't bear the weight of my reflection pinching fat between my fingers scrutinizing every inch i used to think these scars were beauty now the appeal is gone oh, not quite oh no, never i just get the way they see it now it makes no sense why aren't we happy in this pointlessness? they all are... -Empty.

The same old fear consumes me after so long an absense it's shattering where will i be if this falls apart what will i be left with the room tilts and i'm shaking nothing to look forward to today but a crowded hallway filled with empty eyes so i'm in a bathroom stall suffocating fist against the wall over and over and over i'm nothing more than a million aching addictions i'm wandering with a fragile smile clinging to his words whispering them to block out the screaming in my head ignore the urge to simply self-destruct it's easier they say to just fall apart than to put your hopes in someone else's hands. -Empty.

My friend says that her boyfriend is "infatuated" with me. They've been together about a year and I know she really loves him. A while back he tried talking her into having a threesome with me. Recently he made a joke, saying if I spent that night with her and him at his house, that I could sleep in bed with him and she could sleep on the couch. And I guess he says things to her about my chest. I think it's just a fantasy thing with him, he doesn't even know me, I've only met him twice and haven't really talked to him. My friend and I have only known each other a couple years and haven't hung out that much, but she's great and I don't want him to make her feel insecure about their relationship, or make her not want to be around me anymore because of what he says. Do you think she'll be strong enough to laugh it off, or will this ruin everything? -Empty.

Sad music on the radio instant reaction i've dropped my book fallen out of bed frantic searching through every box and drawer and purse where are they? did someone take them? pour the makeup bag out on the floor a metallic clink my razors, my scalpal blade metal in my fingers, face my reflection i'm breathing hard lift up my shirt pull off my pants my hand moves of its' own will to find a spot i see scars from hips to knees wrist to elbow my stomach, my chest empty eyes sigh replace the blade no blood today i think maybe this is over. -Empty.

(I wrote this earlier this week, but I'm just now getting around to posting it.) Razor tucked away somewhere calculated numbness gone tears coming on at the slightest hint of something too much to bear rapid blinking fierce concentration required to keep from making this all public chest tight oxygen too thick hands shaking (i'm so f___ing weak) -so this is addiction. -Empty

fragile as anything under the weight of everything gasping sobs and bloodstained hands i can't deny this anymore the ceiling's falling in an i'm lost in it all incoherent and desperate for something you aching monotonous pain scars and blood for nothing even on a high i'm falling into the mirror eyes unfocused in the in between dreams fall between suicide and immortality i want forever we can't have it they don't understand this insanity the strength it takes to make it through the day make it end take me over the rainbow anywhere with you death i don't care just keep me (your girl). -Empty.

Great job. I really like it. -E.

I'm considering living with a friend for a while. If I decide to, it'll be no earlier than November. I'm just wanting some opinions on the situation. Here's the pros and cons. Pros: -I could wear my makeup however I like. -I could dye my hair the color I want it. -I could get some of the piercings I want. -No angry, bipolar, depressed jerk of a father around. -No immature and rude sister around. -Pretty much no rules. -My parents would have more money without me to pay for/take care of. Cons: -I will have no money unless I get a job soon. -I have to move out of the friends' house by March, says her mom. -My parents might not let me come back home. -I will most likely have to leave my dog at home. -My mom's not that bad and it'd prolly upset her if I left anytime soon. (I know to most people the freedom to dye your hair a certain color, or dress a certain way, etc. seems stupid. But when you look in the mirror one day, and you're like, "This is finally me. I'm happy." and then your parents and everyone else judge you and tell you it's all wrong and it's bad and ugly, then it feels like they're saying you're wrong, bad and ugly. If you're familiar with my posts, then you know that problems I deal with. Sometimes I feel like I could be a lot closer to happy if I wasn't around my father and sister. They both make me feel guilty for being me, for breathing, for taking up space. I know almost every teenager feels the need to get out, get away. But sometimes I feel like my life depends on it.) State your opinion, kindly please. -E.

I'm taking a nursing class at school, and if I finish it, pass the state test, etc. then I will be a CNA. (certified nurse's aid) I'm trying to decide if I'll be able to handle it or not. Right now the class is only bookwork but later in the year things will change. Is there anyone with anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, claustrophobia, a fear of getting old, etc. that works in the health field? Or just anyone that works despite these or similar problems? I'm trying to decide if I need to push myself more to try to do things, or if I need to realize my limits and not do things I won't be able to handle. Any advice from anyone with similar problems or experiences will be helpful. In case you don't know, as a cna I will have to give showers, change adult diapers, etc. (Oh, and medication isn't an option for me, I've been down that road....many times....and it's not something I find that I like.) Thanks, -E.