Cherokeelion

I wish I knew how to help. I get calls from my ex now where she will ask a few questions, get her answers, leave me flustered and hang up. It takes every bit of willpower I have not to call back and say" what gives?? ". It's a feeling I know well Danny, that of just trying not to be lonely and working on the issues you now see. You're... not alone on that one. I'm guessing you, like myself, don't have a clue how things will turn out. Give her the space she needs... no matter how hard it is and it IS hard. Be realisitic in that it may not work out as you want, no matter what you do. The best thing to do I'm discovering now is... to fix what you can fix, yourself. Fix your life, be proactive instead of reactive and putting out fires after they get too big. Try to regain control of your own life, that is half the battle. My ex is like a lot of women, she likes security and she also likes to know shes cared for. That is different than being cared for. All you can do now is be receptive to her... don't push or invade her space, that will set things back farther than any progress you might have made. I wish you luck... put the kids first, your ex might or might not be back but they will always be your kids. By the way, I have discovered that the internet can be a nuclear bomb in a fragile situation such as the one you are in. Use it wisely my friend... that is one thing you can control. Put it this way... I've been there. What is the reputation for chat rooms? All I've ever heard is that they are pick up places and sources of potential trouble... I'm guessing your ex didn't like seeing you there partially for those reasons, especially if she feels insecure about how much you truly do care about her. I blundered down that path too and got clobbered accross the forehead with a verbal two by four by my ex... in retrospect I saw what she meant. You may love her to pieces Danny, and it's really hard being apart. Accept the fact that you may have messed up... you're human. It's what you do now that counts, keep trying. If you make another mistake, learn from it and keep going. Remember, getting yourself square is the best thing you can do... for yourself and definitely for your ex if she decides its worth it to try again.

Hey.... ouch, my friend. Yikes and wow, yes I think anyone would feel the rug yanked out from beneath them in those circumstances. It's normal to feel the hurt... the trick is to not let it distract you from the blessings you currently have in life. Grieve.... stomp, be mad and let it out. Then go get some ice cream with your guy and stay busy making your new life better.

By the way... I see you're only 20. Trust me, there are good men out there. I am a man lucky enough to count a few as friends and even more as family. My Grandparents have been married for 72 years, yes... 72 and I can still see the respect and love my Gramps has for his wife. It's really uplifting and cool to see.

I have also seen that a large number of cheaters, not all, have not been exposed to good morals while growing up. This isn't an excuse, but I feel from myself and others I know that seeing strong relationships and having good teachers as we grew up goes a long way towards cheating never being something acted on. Most cheaters also think of themselves first... the moral key that says don't do this is not strong enough to stop them.

Yes, stress can mess with period timing. To be safe and eliminate the wonder, get a test and go from there. Dry sex can lead to pregnancy... rare, but it can happen. All you need is a little bit of pre- ejeculation to come into contact with her... again, not a high chance but it has happened. In any case, it's better and less stressful to "know"... since you can then figure out what to do from then on.

Its really simple... if she doesn't want to be there, is the door locked? She's not prisoner and it's rude of people to say that and not act. I'd tell her, "See the door? Why aren't you using it then? Talk to me when you close that door for good." If she doesn't then you know shes pulling you around as a security net. Don't push her though... that never works and is bound to cause a person to feel pressured.

Give yourself time... to heal. It happens. Breathe and look around, step outside... stay busy. Don't focus on jumping into something new until you can look at that person for who they are. If a reconciliation with your ex is not possible, don't stop and wallow in the pain. It's a very large world... Carpe Diem, live your life... love will find a way back, it's human nature.

Ah pilot... it happens, it's good to get the feelings out.... even if drunk. I don't think theres a soul here who would hold that against you.

The only thing I see missing is the motivation to seek out what you want. It's simple, just get out of the house... try, try again. I am no prize in the education, wealth or looks department... my life has been rich in love and pain both because I never stopped and isolated myself from the world. The online world is a good thing if kept in perspective to your real life... just keep getting out, initiate a conversation. You will strike out a large part of the time, but what about the time you don't? You won't get the chance to connect if you don't keep trying. It works... I'm 35 years old and I know this by now.

Hey Hot Soup, Chin up my friend... it seems theres a reason for everything in life. Pick something, it doesn't have to be big and just do it. The worst thing a person can do is give up the desire for a better life. Trust me on this... I've been so low i never thought I'd see daylight again, I'm currently fighting another life disaster but I will never, ever give up. You know why? Because I have found out through experience that life eventually rewards your struggles. It may not be in ways you expect... but keep trying to improve yourself and a door will open somewhere. Yes, it happens... don't dispair.

I am doing no contact because she asked me not to call where she is... apparently the new guy gets seriously pissed at the mention of me since he knows how close we once were. I know she respects the fact I don't break her wishes. I have also learned from experience that she is most approchable when she's had time to think about whatever's been or being said. When she has the time to organise her feelings then she calls me... I have always been able to think and feel fast, she hasn't so that works out best. I'm getting out of the house to try and clear my mind a bit.... to breathe and think.

I am sad today... my ex called me crying last night saying that she's pregnant. Her last period ended Dec 14th... we had sex the 15th, then she left. I know she ovulated approximately Christmas Day and yes, the hormones can show up by yesterday. I am just sick about this... she didnt want this now and I certainly am upset about the other man here. This is a soap opera nightmare. She knows it's more than likely his and is spending time figuring out what to do. I've already told her that I love her and will support her, that things will be ok no matter what. I didn't sleep at all last night over this. There are moments where I just want to wash my hands of the whole mess... and then I see how open emotionally my ex is. She's an open book who has had a rough life. I can't get past the fact that I love her still... she was online getting a plane ticket home yesterday morning... had been feeling sick for a couple of days, got a positive test, called me crying and I haven't heard from her since yesterday. My brain is having a hard time getting around all of this. I told her it would be neat for our little girl to have a brother or sister, trying to cheer her up. It is so hard to help someone hurting over the phone when you just want to scoop them up, hold them and say its ok... this is not a bad thing. I am her ex.... why did she call me immediately? Was she reaching out? I did the best I could on the phone... I want to fly out to her but I know that would backfire. How do you do no contact and not go nuts like this?

I've re-read my previous posts and I want to make it clear that my ex had no real part in creating this mess.... she was completely there for me, with everything she had. She gave me more than I have ever seen anyone give a person and I didn't see it until too late. I often wonder how a person becomes so blind to the love being given by someone right by their side. I would hate to think my blindness is a common thing.

Man... I'm either reading things wrong or I'm reading a bunch of stuff that is all over the place. When my ex stops to think about how I treated her in the past, she gets very upset... theres nothing I can say on the phone. While talking about flights home today she point blank told me she doesn't believe a thing I say... that the reason she's there "fcking" this other guy is because she doesnt think I've changed and nor will I. Other times she misses me and tells me she loves me even though I was an azz. I've tried to explain that sometimes people need a strong jolt just to see what problems are there. When shes like that theres no talking to her... and I end up feeling like I've been stuffed right back in the garbage bag. Granted, I was an azz...yes. This is why I don't know whats going on. Theres nothing I can do except continue to acknowledge where I went wrong and keep trying to fix what problems I know I have. The stuff I hear from my ex is cutting and hurtful when she looks back, it's a helpless feeling knowing she's judging the future based on the past. I know in most cases thats probably a good thing... but what about the few where someone really does see what they've done wrong? I hate the mess I created here... she's more than likely coming home still angry with me and not interested in working on anything. There are days I have hope based on how we talked, and then there are days like today that leave me wanting to scream in frustration. I know I love this woman tremendously, I think anyone else I'd see the wreckage of my actions and give up. Thing is... she's worth it. I see where I went wrong, and all I can do is stay on the right path from here on out. She gets angry seeing what I do now, not only because she thinks I'm being fake, but also "Why, didn't I do these things when we were together?" I am battling my own history with my ex... I like the steps I've taken and the direction I'm going in. I wish profoundly my ex someday can try... I know she still loves me, she has said so herself. She's convinced I'm doing this because someone else got her.... I've said it wouldn't matter if she joined a convent, got engaged, or joined the Vienna Choir... it was the fact that she left that made me see what was important.

My parents divorced when I was 9. Things do get better once the sense of unreality and bizarreness fades, and you accept the fact that they just may be better apart. It takes a bit of time to adjust but you will eventually... many of us have been there. Whats funny is that my folks are actually better friends now 20 plus years later than they were together. And yes... it's weird seeing them laughing at a private joke as friends but hey... it works.

Happy New Year Folks... I just got a call from my ex. She says she misses her life here, that she's coming home. She also says that even though she loves and misses me, not to think of myself being the reason shes doing so... but the combination of everything. Not exactly a ringing endorsement but I have always liked her bluntness. She is leaving the door open for healing... so I can be glad for that. Who knows... maybe now we can work together in finding what we once loved about eachother. So... yes, it's possible to re-unite but for myself its by the slimmest of threads. I'm not complaining, it's infinitely better than a broken family to me. 2006 is going to be a year of learning for me... and a year of building the foundation of family that crumbled under circumstances so easily prevented. That is the good that I think comes of this... I, for one am very, very aware of just how much she and our daughter are a part of my being. To everyone else... I wish you good blessings for this new year, live life for life is MEANT to be lived. Enjoy those around you, meet someone new, buy a good book, go to the opera... buy a parakeet- life is good.

Hmm.... just saw the quote from the Breakfast Club. A 17 year old who quotes an 80s classic gets automatic props from me. As far as the relationship goes, you're very young yet and haven't really had the time to figure out what works for you. I guess I'm saying, unless you feel his " challenge " is good for you, then you might be better served by moving on. It's mostly listening to your own intuition that will help... the advice here is just that, helpful advice.

Hmm.... Three calls on Christmas Day, Two on Christmas Eve Day, on days she misses me, but today none. Hmm... I cannot figure this woman out. Whats funny is that is sadly some of what the attraction is, the mystery and unpredictabilty. I sometimes wonder if I'm setting myself up to be burned by the nearest blowtorch in the name of love...

Dako dude... what the??? lol. Ok there's my laugh for the day....

Mono takes a long time to recover from... especially if you push yourself while it's active in you. I did, and ended up bombing my second semester of college too tired to do anything. Get tested and rest if positive... no contact either, it's not called the kissing disease for nothing. I got mine after sharing an ice cream spoon with my girlfriends college room mate one night...lol. Try explaining " Mono " to someone who thinks its the kissing disease...LITERALLY.

Three calls on Christmas Day.... the last one a message to me after I went to bed, " Ho Ho Ho Glad Christmas is over, hope you're ok... I love you, Goodnight". This is after she said she misses me earlier in the day... I know shes going to call tonight too, frustrating to say the least. I mean, come home if you miss me... the calls are torture. This is our house and home, our daughters too... I've been through a divorce before and I think that was easier because there was no uncertanity. I almost feel paralized as to living life because we did everything together... I'm burying myself in work as a distraction, which only works until I hear my quasi- ex on the message machine. I don't recomend this for anyone else because it's the toughest thing I've ever tried to do. I'm not giving up on my family just yet... The emotions vary from sorrow, anger ( wanting to kick the other mans disrespectful * * * ), hope, puzzlement, joy at hearing my daughter, loneliness at seeing the other half of the bed empty, numbness and determination. My extended family thinks I'm nuts for waiting... this makes me angry for the lack of support, it also undermines my focus and only adds more stress. I have been out on the town socializing but it's like my family is right next to my heart... a heavy, heavy all consuming presense I'm both glad to feel, and sad to feel in this situation. Giving my ex the time to figure things out is easy to do in the sense that I love her without condition, and I do believe family is worth trying for. I believe that if we do make it through this... with counseling and better expression of love, we will be stronger. It takes two... theres one here.

I have been there...and at the time I thought I was done living life at age 32. Divorce is a rotten thing in many ways, I was raised to never think of divorce as an option. But I have to say, you will get through it. I did it... you can too. The main thing I need to say is, if you have children make them your priorities. They are the innocents in a relationship split. Also, stay away from getting into a new relationship too fast, the chance of bringing baggage from the past into something new is too great. In my case, I sat down and sorted out what I was doing and how I could move on... it was easier said than done. Trust me though, once you start to move and heal the easier it gets. Take care of yourself, either to reconcile or to move on. You would be surprised how good it feels to accomplish something independently that makes you feel good. Most of all, don't despair. Life is full of amazing twists and turns, some when you least expect them.

Thanks Wild Child... I have told her such, and did today too when she called twice. I told her that I wanted to learn "with" her and not "from" her... that she is the woman of my heart and that I wanted her home. She knows, and still calls. She told me tonight that she was glad Christmas was over, that it was hard being away from everything she knows. I kept thinking well come home then... I also know that when I'm direct, she pushes that away... so I have to be careful.

I am also sore about link removed... guess what, thats where my ex met the man she's with now. I no longer visit myspace or have " chat" programming around... it ticks me off to see people leave for that grass that may or may not be greener and not really try to fix their home lives.

Danny... yes, she went back and forth twice before. We both know that there won't be another time, if she comes home to this house it's because she is committed to trying here. She knows I don't want another go around and neither does she... too emotionally and financially hurtful. This is probably why she is still there... to really make sure one way or the other, not a spur of the moment thing. To be honest, I can't fault her for that because that is the only way she can come home without wondering..." What If? ". That would hinder any real reconcilliation. I also do not like being a long distance daddy and hearing of my daughters reaction to her gifts over the phone... theres something just not right about that.