Rivpt

thanks for the reply...i appreciate it. for most of your post i felt like i was reading a flashback of my own story. like you, my ex was my first love...and i really thought we'd end up together. we dated for about two years (mostly long distance as i graduated college and she was still there for a year)...then we broke up. no real reason other than i think the distance took it's toll and feelings were lost. it was nothing that anybody specifically did, no cheating, etc. she moved on a lot faster than me, and now i am starting to catch up. and it just so happens that right at the same time i'm really making strides to move on...she is trying to get back in my life...but not romantically, or at least she won't talk about it. i can't really give an ultimatum to her...cause she probably is just feeling me out to see if i'd be up for starting over...we've been broken up for over a year and a half and have both grown in our separate lives. i do think, however, that if what we had wasn't real then we wouldn't be in this pricarious position right now. she has one more semester of grad school left in another city...i don't even know if i'd take her back if she asked me tomorrow...but i want to find out if i still love her the way i used to, or at least could. i get the feeling that my life is going to be ridiculously complicated for the next 5 months or so...and i already find myself slipping into old habits with her.

straightj06, tell me a little bit more about your situation...if you don't mind. it seems like we have gone through similar frustrations with ex's. also, feel free to do a quick search for some of my older posts, in case you want the history of my ex.

syrix...me making a remark like this was 100% not the reason we broke up in the first place. like i said, i've only said something rude to her like 3 times since i've known her. this is not something that i do often...if ever.

thanks to both of you for the advice. i told you i get a little high strung when it comes to this girl. she brings out the whole variety of emotions for me...good and bad. honestly, i've known her for almost 4 years...and i've only said or done something to really make her mad at me about 3 times that i can think of. she knows i don't normally say things that hurt her feelings. i planned on just not doing anything today in terms of this unless she contacts me. i left her a voicemail this morning (that i knew she wouldn't get b/c she keeps her phone on silent and was sleeping) just re-stating the fact that i was sorry and wanted her to hear me say i was sorry instead of me saying it over a text message. we'll see what happens. i just feel crappy b/c sometimes i get so frustrated with the past and the present and where i stand with her that i reach my boiling point (which is hard to reach, i admit) and end up saying something i really don't mean.

ok, long story short...my ex and i have been hanging out the past few weeks and things have been good. no pressure, no awkwardness, no deep conversations or blurted out "i love you still's", etc. i, however, made the mistake of taking some frustration out on her through a rude and unnecessary text message. it didn't seem THAT horrible when i sent it, but after her reaction i kinda realized it crossed the line a bit. i apologized over the phone and stuff, but i feel like my idiotic remark has totally cancelled out the great two weeks we've just had. anyone have any thoughts on the best way to make someone know you are truly sorry and that sometimes people say things "in the moment" that they don't really mean? i could be totally over-reacting as well. this just happened last night and i'm just worrying my off that she's not gonna want to deal with me anymore during her xmas break (another two weeks) from grad school. for all i know she could get up today and not be pissed off anymore, but i have no idea.

i am in the same boat with you guys, it's been about a year and a half for me...and i still think about my ex everyday. i have dated others, nothing serious though. i think the thing that has stopped me from really moving on is that she always seems to contact me and manipulate me into getting newfound false hope every month or two. whether she does it on purpose or not, i don't know...i would hope that isn't the case. but i do know if she left me alone that i wouldn't have such mixed emotions when it comes to her. i have tried NC but just can't get myself to stick to it. kind of digging my own grave so to speak. i brought all of this on myself, and at least i realize it even if i can't change it. by giving her the attention she desires when she does contact me, i am making life very easy and guilt free for her. i too agree that once i meet someone that i really like, my thoughts will move from my ex to the new person...i'm just waiting for that to happen, and have been waiting for a long time.

I am three years older than her. we started dating my senior year of college (her sophmore year), then i graduated and we stayed together all through her junior year (with me visiting every other weekend, almost 4 hours away)...we were still together all through the summer before her senior year and the start of her senior year, then things got sour around thanksgiving of her senior year. overall we were together for about 2.5 years, then had a limbo and on/off period for about another 8 months. we have been "nothing" for probably about a year and a half, and during that whole time she went to grad school (2 hours away) and has one more semester to go. we've basically been separated the whole time she's been at grad school, although we've gone out and talked and kissed and stuff...she has never invited me to visit her there and she dated a guy for a few months this time last year at her grad school.

i know what you're both saying, and i think i know that is what i have to do...so that there is no more "mixed signals" thrown out there. the problems are: 1. i have given hints that i still think about things and possibly would be willing to try again if she were...without saying it straight up...and i don't exactly get great responses all of the time, just sometimes. 2. the pride factor. i mean, she was the one who ended things...and she was the first one out of the two of us to start seeing other people. why am i wasting my time and energy putting in the effort to get back together when she has had almost two years to want it herself? if she hasn't come to me after this long saying what i always hoped she'd say (i.e. i miss you, i want to try again, etc), then deep down i know the answer if i come straight out with my feelings. if she had second thoughts about "us" at any point in the past two years she would have said something right? so why put myself out there and let her break my heart for like the 5th time in my life? i am kinda like you lizzie, whereas she says she just wants to be friends...but when she calls me she talks in the same tone and has the same mannerisms that she did when we were together. it really throws me off b/c i know for a fact she doesn't talk to anyone else that way. we were so close, and were such a major part of each others lives for so long...that i realize it is a comfort thing, but at the same time i really think it means we work great together and i just wish she would be the one to realize it without me trying to "trick her" into falling for me again. i really feel like if we were to ever get back together, it would have to be her pursueing me instead of the other way around. i have always been the one putting out the effort during our on/off times, she's never had to do it. sometimes i think she might be too stubborn to say anything even if she did have feelings for me. the reason i think i know the answer if i come clean, is that when i told her that i didn't want her to call me anymore b/c i didnt want to be her friend...i just about said "i want to be with you, and you only want to be friends...so that means we can't do this anymore". and the only response i got was "if that is what you need then i guess i won't call you anymore". i think that is my answer right there. if there was ever a time for her to say something, that was it...i opened the door and she closed it. she still sends me texts and stuff, saying things like: "i'm doing the best i can to respect your wishes, but it's hard for me not to talk to you" "i'm watching this show, etc, and so and so reminds me of what you would do" things like that. she's playing with my mind whether she knows it or not. honestly, i think i just need to meet ONE PERSON that i can get some feelings for and date, and i will be perfectly fine. but until i do that, ,my mind and heart are really stuck on her and it's killed me year after year after year. i try to pretend i'm past it, but there is no hiding from my own thoughts each and every night when i go to sleep.

hello all, i have posted here a few times before, but not as consistently as i should have...if you need to research my story feel free to search old threads, but my story is no different than anyone else's on this board. here is my question: at what point do you have to start admitting to yourself that you will never ever get over someone? personally, there is absolutely no reason for me to feel the way i do, but i still think about my ex every single day. sometimes it's b/c she still contacts me (a whole other story altogether, as i have told her several times not to) and other times it's just b/c i think about her before i go to bed and when i wake up in the morning b/c i miss having her in my life. it has been a LONG time since the two of us were actually together, yet i still feel the way i do. i have had other girls want to be in relationships with me, but haven't been able to get any real feelings for any of them. i feel as though i am at a crossroads. i either have to 1. maybe suck up my pride, stop playing games, and come clean about my feelings with her at some point in the near future...and just put it out there for better or worse or 2. keep doing the best i can to not contact her, and possibly talk to a professional about techniques to get over someone and move on with a healthy mentality in life. does anyone either have a similar experience or have some thoughts on this? anything would be greatly appreciated. i know deep down the reasons for all of this, it's because she was my first love and my longest relationship, and there wasn't a cut and dry "reason" why we broke up, we just grew apart during a LDR...but i'm 26 years old and just want to get back on track in my romantic life.

just my two cents, but it doesn't seem like anyone else brought this up... you got her this amazingly thoughtful gift, which obviously took a lot of time and effort by you. my reaction to this situation is that she didn't even take the time to call you to say thanks? you'd think that with that gift, she would at the very least give you a call, and not just write an email saying "thanks, hope you had a good summer". maybe i'm taking this the wrong way, but if this were me i'd be pretty pissed that my great thoughtful present didn't get half of the response that it warranted.

i think that is a really good suggestion...cause honestly, i don't think this is the right time to do anything drastic. the right time will be down the road when she graduates grad school and possibly comes back where i live to work b/c that is where her family is. then i might do something more. nothing can really happen right now no matter what i do i think, until she is done school. but giving a subtle hint seems like the way to go. thanks for the advice jsmith

i don't think i'd consider us friends...not sure if she would or not. i mean we don't talk very often and hang out even less frequently. we're not even really very up to date in each others lives. i don't even know her friends at grad school and have never even been to the campus b/c she hasn't invited me...and partially b/c she was dating someone there for a few months last year. it's a weird feeling, it's just hard to not go all out for someone's bday when that is all you're used to and you have tons of great ideas of things to do...yet you have to hold yourself back.

honestly, i think it's a little bit of both. we didn't break up b/c someone cheated or anything like that...we just grew apart b/c it was long distance for a few years. we have both lived our lives separately for the most part, and don't talk about getting back together ever. i just still think about her every single day. she's the first thing i think of when i wake up most days and the last thing i think of before i fall asleep. it's really frustrating b/c i have tried to move on and have opened myself up to other people. i have accepted the fact that we're not together and there has to be a reason for that, but at the same time i have always had the idea that at some point in the future i wanted to kind of lay it on the line one last time...and see what happened. i'm not sure if that is what has been holding me back from moving on, or the fact that this is the first person that i have ever loved and i haven't stopped thinking about her this whole time. i never connected with someone better, and although she broke my heart...i don't have any hard feelings. i just think that i can make her happy, and i know that she made me very happy when we were together.

i'm sure this topic came up a bunch of times, but i just wanted to get some people's take on it. i'm not going to get into my story, all you have to know is that i have limited contact with my ex (we don't live in the same state, she is in grad school and i work full time in another city/state)...and that we haven't "dated" in well over a year. our contact consists of emailing every once in awhile, texting sometimes, and hanging out every once in awhile when she is in town. we have both dated other people, her more seriously than me though. for some reason i said i didnt want to be her friend yet that didn't stick with her...so now i just casually respond when she texts me or anything. the point is, i haven't found anybody i care about during this whole time...and i still miss her and the times we had even though it's been so long. every once in awhile i get the feeling she might feel the same way, but is too stubborn to act on it. she slips into her old ways sometimes (in terms of the way she talks, jokes around, flirts) when we have contact. anyways, her bday is next week. last year she came home and i got her a nice present and we went out to dinner. this year i wasn't planning on doing anything except sending a card. should i even do that? i also considered this as a chance to maybe put myself on the line in terms of my feelings, and use her bday to do that. not saying going all out, etc., but maybe write something in the card and see what her reaction is. the one thing i'd like to note, is that on my bday in august...she was the only person that called me at 12 midnight on the dot...and she was accross the country visiting one of her friends and still remembered. not one other person called me on my bday other than her...it was a pleasant surprise. anyone have any thoughts or similar experiences? i'll take anything at this point.

i'd just like to thank all you guys again for very thoughtful advice, and for comparing stories to my own situation. i know it'll get better, and i know that every person takes different lengths of time. all i need to do is: 1. accept the fact that it has been and always will be over with this girl, no matter what my insides think deep down 2. separate myself from her completely, which is something i haven't been able to do in 2 years...regardless of how much i got hurt over that time.