Danny H

Just thought I would add an update ( just back from 14 months away in Asia. For all of you just arriving at this site, with broken hearts, I know how you feel, I was there as this post probably demonstrates. Now 2 years on I have fallen in love with a beautiful lady, who proved her worth to me when I was badly injured in Cambodia ( 8 months on still recovering). We have had a baby girl in May and although I am now back in the UK arguing with ex wife about the kids, the house, the debts, divorce you name it. My anger has gone and my love is now strong for someone new. Best to you all, and may you find peace.

Hi, I thought I would give an update to my situation, in case anybody new stumbles on this site and wants an insight into how things can go. My first thread was this: . I will add that when I am back in this country I have to stay here as we cannot afford another house as well, Plus I have been away so much I haven't organised anything. Here I am 8 months down the line and YES the Pain is less, but let me explain what these 8 months have been like. I spent a great deal of this time travelling abroad in 6 week intervals, it would always be the same I would leave on good terms but while away I would start getting abusive texts ( normally saying I hadn't contacted the kids enough). Anyway in March she went away for four weeks and when she got back I discovered that she had been sleeping with guys for most of this time. I got angry stating after nearly 18 years together it takes only 4 months since our split for you to find new partners. She said " we are separated" I guess we both had our points. Anyway in april just before I was due to take up a 7 week job in Thailand we found ourselves having a real heart to heart where we both declared we still loved eachother some how for the 3 days before I left we ended up in bed. I left on good terms, while away She discovered guys in our village and started sleeping with them. Now I am back from a 2 week trip to Texas I discover she has slept with 4 guys in our small village,including a married friend who's wife she knows!!. The pain hurts less and less, but this last week has really taken the cake. She has spent most of last week staying at a local guys house, including the day it dawned on me when we were round there in a group ( he was my friend) and we all got up to leave and she said " I'm staying the night" I felt like crying inside but I held my head and left to look after our kids. She stayed there friday night and texted me to say she was going to stay at a guys house in her home town ( 100 miles away) saturday night and just wanted to come home to change first. I kept my head ( what else to do?) anyway sunday morning comes and she texts me from the train, while on the way back here, saying " Dan I feel really weird in my head please tell me I am going to be O.K ?), these texts went on all the trip home while I ( fool who still loves her!!) talked her into a good frame of mind. She gets back all cocky and says " listen you were the only one I felt could help me, don't think it means any thing and sorry I bothered you". That night she stayed home. Tonight came the real blow. we spend an ok day together while I get our youngest a new piece of equipment for his disability, then we have to do a family shop. we do dinner, then she says she has to go out with the girls, at 10.50 pm she gets me to pick her up ( it's raining) at Midnight My ex friend rings her and before I know what is happening she is saying at 1 am she is going to walk down and meet him, stay the night and be back in time for the school run, and she says sorry, but " we are only friends and D##';# knows I would be up that is why he rang. As I see her leave to meet him, my heart breaks but I try not to show it, The PAIN gets less, and if I can take this without exploding you will get though it, whatever it is. I still love my wife but, I am slowly letting go, a few months ago I was close to suicide. I now realise that the way my wife is acting is not though malice, she is trying to cope in her own way. We will never be together again ( I for one couldn't face walking this village with all the smirks). I am applying for a job in another country. best Dan

Thanks dako, funny thing is, she arrived at 6.45 this morning ( she phoned when 10 minutes away- I had agreed to get cash out for the taxi) anyway when she pulled up, I went out paid the taxi said hi and went back to bed ( still 45 minutes till I needed to get the kids up for school), and she storms into the house comes to the bedroom and has a go at me for not giving her a decent welcome-----jesus is she so blind to the pain I am in? do we just play happy families before I get kicked out to live in my cubby hole???,

anti, thanks for your words, i agree. I do feel that the pain the kids would feel over me going would actually be more powerful than the pain I feel now, and I guess that is what might keep me here. Wife is due back in 2 hours, and I feel so low, but I'll keep smiling for the kids dan

thanks guys, It just feels like everything I built my beliefs on was false, It just seems Like I have deluded myself, I really believed we were meant for eachother for ever. Obviously in her mind that was not true, I asked her when she set off to Thailand tó think carefully on whether she wanted to try and repair us, I guess like a fool I thought she would, instead she has just given herself to strangers, I just can't get my head around it. I am numb How have I got to a place where I am so out of touch with reality, I can't cope with this feeling of being so unimportant. I am yesterdays hero, and I feel like my time is done dan

I know, the kids are the reason I haven't done it tonight. My oldest daughter ( almost 14) keeps asking me what is up, I won't tell them but I hope one day when they are older they find out. The pain is so much to bare, it isn't something you can discuss with your locals down the pub, you just look like a foolish cuckhold. Maybe when we get a divorce and are not legally bound, and she doesn't carry my name it will feel different. I spent 6 weeks in india and It didn't cross my mind to sleep with anyone, I just can't understand how in just 3 weeks away she has dived in, how can somebody profess to love you, and within months you don't matter, I just feel like my life is a pointless chirade. I gave up friends and family for my wife, she was everything, we thought we'd be together for ever, I feel like the last 17.5 years were just pointless. I hate what i have become, I hate feeling so needy, in the beginning she did all the chasing, where is my pride, where is my gumption, where have I gone? What is the point of trying to start again at 43, from scratch, I have no money, we are in the worst debt we have ever been in, the last few years have been a fight to keep our heads above water. But that didn't matter because we had us, the family, now we are nothing but another broken home. I could understand seperating and maybe meeting people down the line, but sex with a few people, in such a short time, did I really mean so little? I cannot get to grips with this pain, It must be easy in the states where you have guns. dan

Here is my thread: , since then in the last couple of days I have discovered that my wife has been having casual sex with a few people. while on holiday ( paid for by us both) in Thailand. she emailed me to say she was ill and wanted to stay a week more, I agreed, now I know why. I just can't get my head around the fact that the women I loved for all these years who I have four kids with, can just have casual sex ( at least if she liked them it would seem better). I am so low, it just seems like when she gets back ( to look after the kids) It would be so easy to drive somewhere nice, drink a little and tape the exhaust into the car. I feel so low, there seems no point in carrying on with this nightmare, I feel like everything I believed in is wrong, I don't see any point in pulling myself up, I felt I had love for life, a family and everything. I know time might heal, but we have all been down before, what is the point of pulling up, if the next down is worse . What is the point if you give all to a person, and it isn't worth anything. I just want out of this. dan

yes the pain is very real, I understand what you are saying, I like you hope that time will heal, I'm 4 months down the line, the pain is the same, or rather it started to ease but then I discovered she has been sleeping with a few people for quick fun. that is what you have to prepare for if news filters back to you. First the breakup pain, then the pain of discovering they are coping well and having fun. To much thinking I'm afraid is the enemy here, what is needed is more " Doing" i.e doing things that benefit you. Eating well, sleeping well, gym. I went on that regime for a month or two and felt great, like a fool I have fallen back into drinking not eating and pondering, and believe me, It don't work, because wherever you run, your memories come to. Best face the pain, but don't spend hours thinking " what ifs". If they enter your head fine, but now and then give yourself a break. The negative thoughts can become kind of addictive, and they cycle to feed themselves. Good luck, at least on here you are with people who know exactly how you feel Dan

D, I hope your night out was fun best Dan

Mags, I have four kids, ( 2 boys , 2 girls) and the one thing I have always been accused of is being a great dad, so I guess I'm ok there. I stopped working abroad to be with my kids when the first was born ( nearly 14 years). I have just received an email from my wife that I have to babysit this house for another week as she has extended her trip. I understand why she would but can't help but feel she has met someone out there. anyway it is weird because I look forward to her coming home, but am aware that when she does I move to crappy accommodation-lol Funny how she wants the change, but I seem to be the one doing all the changing. anyway I have taken some work abroad, so I am going to try and kick start my life dan

It has been four months and if truth be told the pain is the same. Tears spill from me until I'm sure I should dehyrate-lol My oldest son ( 7) Asked me if his brother(5) will walk one day and not be disabled ( he has cp), I had to walk out the room, normally I'd ride that one out, now tears just fall. I thought we had a family, I just feel hollow. I feel cheated, I feel angry still. If it wasn't for the kids, I can see how some people walk off buildings. I know it will get better ( we have all had our hearts broken before), but When???? Dan

Friends, there reaches a time ( when that is, is individual) when you have to dump Hope. Hope can be our enemy, that is the hope that the person who no longer wants us, is suddenly going to see the light and come flooding back. Hope can keep us from moving on Hope can keep us static, while Our lives pass us by. Hope can blind us to the reality that we are yesterdays hero. I hate hope, but yet, we keep hoping Lord have mercy on our blind souls Love to you all Dan

dareqveda, my friend we are in similar places ( very similar). I have 4 kids with my wife we had been together 17.5 years, and in her memories of these years, history seems to have been re-written so that I have comitted a list of crimes against us ( that I wasn't even aware of) Right now she is in Thailand on Holiday while I watch our kids, when she is back I have to move out. I only mention this because to show how warped the thinking goes, she won't even concede that I as the traveller, had introduced her to Thailand- in the rewritten history it was all her idea. But any bad thing in the past is 100% attributed to me. All I can say is that we have to walk away, and although we might never fix it, know that one day when the brains have cleared a little more, that both US and THEM will have a better perspective on your time together. At the moment the dumper has had to spend time building up to the break. They have had internal conversations about the pros and cons for some time, ( even chats with friends etc), they have reached a place where what they are thinking is THE FACTS and whatever we say will not crack that truth. If you do improve beyond belief, more than likely they will think " see you could have done that for me". Study my friend, look after your kids, and believe that you are worthy. Like you my lady had kids with me, so no matter what they say, things must have been alright once. Best Dan

Blimey one week, you are lucky, It has now been nearly four months and I still feel dreadful. Dan

Good luck Ecoastgirl, whatever that person did, you still have a very nice way of writing out how you feel, in such a way as I can understand exactly what you are saying, that in itself is a skill Be strong dan