Ecoastgirl

Thank you all for the responses. Laughing Sam, I don't think I am brave at all. I would say that i am pretty damn scared, but each day is a new day and it (hopefully) can only get better.

yes, I suppose I should clarify this. I was in the middle of a nasty divorce which left me feeling lonely and pretty down. The lowest I HAD ever felt at the time. I knew though that with time I would be ok and could move on. Thank you all for the replies. This was something that was very hard to write but needed to be done.

There is a reason you are alone. There is a reason you haven't had anyone in your life for any length of time and I know that your ok with that. I see fleeting moments of the wonderful person I would like you to be. I think about a magical 6 months where I was the best thing in your life and you proved it to me daily. You found me at my lowest and most insecure. You showered me with attention and put me on a pedestal. You made me feel like I was important and beautiful and interesting. You were in constant contact day and night. I let my guard down with you and you dug your way into my soul. Then the manipulation started but by then I was hooked. I didn't even realize that it was happening until it was too late, until my whole being was changed. You became a drug, complete with the highs and lows. You knew what you were doing, you knew what you had in front of you and you took advantage. I am shell of what I once was. I am no longer the confident, pretty, head strong person I used to be. I am now a person afraid to say what I think, afraid to do anything wrong. You have before you a person who would have done anything for you, a person who thought more of you then herself. A person that was the perfect target for the narcissist you turned out to be. I no longer dream, I no longer look around me and see beauty. I no longer enjoy the things I used to, as there is no flavor in life. I feel betrayed and used. I look back and see how things progressed in the last year and a half and each time I try to break free you pull me back in. You pour on the charm and make me realize why I loved you in the first place. You give me hope that it is all ok again. You still say that I am beautiful and that I mean a lot to you but then you slap me down again, once I am drawn back in. It all crashes back in because all you are is cruel and hurtful, impatient and demanding. I want to become the person I used to be. I want to have no fear in life. I want to go for a drive and enjoy the scenery or a song on the radio. I want to pick up my brushes again and paint. I know that there is a part of me that you killed that I can never get back. I know that I will never be the trusting person I was before. I know that with the next person (if I have the strength to put myself out there again) I will be afraid to talk about anything that bothers me. I will cringe and shrink back at any outburst, however innocent. I will fear that someone else will have found me and will use me in the way you did. The only way I can start to heal is to pull myself away completely. I just hope that I can find the strength to do that.

Well, I went a few days, waiting to see what would happen. I gave him an out if he wanted and just gave him space. It was a hard couple of days, not knowing if things were over or not. He waited 2 days to call, and we had a nice relaxing conversation. We chatted a bit about what happened and he told me his views on it. He felt that it must have been pretty bad for me to bring it up. I explained to him that I bring things up BEFORE they become a problem. Nip it in the bud, so to speak. It took him awhile to believe me and I am wondering now if this is how he handles things. Perhaps he lets issues slide until they become epic and then brings them up. Perhaps he figured that I was doing the same? he has been pretty humble during our talks. he finally told me yesterday that he knew he was being abusive to me. I told him not to be so hard on himself, that it wasnt that bad. He said he wasnt being hard on himself, he was being honest. he sounded so defeated when he said this. This was a shock to me, hearing this. this man hardly ever admits when hes wrong. This is as close to a "sorry" as I will get, but I suppose it is better then nothing. It has been very gentle with him since that day. He has called me more the last few days then he has in the last month. He even woke me up this morning with a call just to say "hi" I still wonder about the next time. It will be interesting to see if I hesitate to bring up an issue or not.

Oddly enough, I just said all those things to him this morning.. and, in almost the exact way you stated it above. All he kept saying was that he didnt want to hurt me, and if his actions hurt me then he will not subject me to it. That i deserve better.. blah blah blah. So I asked him, well, is this over then? and he didnt reply to that.. I gave him an out.. gave him the opportunity to set this free.

I should say.. he STILL buys me things and showers attention. These things have not stopped, but it goes through waves of highs and lows. Sorry, needed to clarify that

thank you for your replies. I know that I am in a losing situation, but when someone has their claws into you, its damn hard to back away. I used to be such a strong willed, easy going person and I find myself doubting so much now. I am not sure if that is because of my recent divorce or the situation I am in now. He found me at my lowest and poured on the charm. My gut tells me that he could be a manipulator but my heart tells me hes a scared little boy that protects himself by putting up a wall. I have read a lot of forums about manipulation and have been digging around trying to figure out this personality type. I have never dealt with someone like this before. The fact that I am even looking for answers should scream to me RUN.. RUN AWAY!!! But it is in my nature to fix things. He was so charming and loving at first. Showered me with attention when I was at my lowest. I got used to his calls day and night, his attention he showered on me. I started to carry my cell phone around just so I wouldnt miss a call. He would buy me things, but never tell me how he truly felt (I have other posts regarding this). I have read a lot about narcisists and borderline personality traits and i believe he somewhat falls into these catagories.. probably more borderline then anything. It's amazing to me really.. 2 years ago I would have said that if someone treated me this way, they would be out the door. I find myself dancing around in circles wanting something to work that is doomed. Evertime I pull back the charm comes on and, like a drug, I go back and want more. The emotional highs and lows, wading through the lows, wanting the highs to come back.

I am not sure what to do, or how to react to this situation. Here is what happened. There is a certain sport we share together, and while he plays this sport, he is very intense and emotional. He tends to yell at me a lot. I usually let it slide because I know it is just how he is, but 2 days ago I decided to say something about it. I asked this: "why do you yell at me so much?" I asked this over the phone, and he said it wont happen again and hung up. He wouldnt take my calls back but got on ICQ and I asked him why he wouldnt talk to me. He basically told me that its easier this way. That this way he couldnt hurt me anymore. I told him that it hurt me more by pulling away. He said that he is doing this for me, that if his way of playing hurts me then it wont happen again. I talked to him about other options.. I told him that all i wanted from him was to say "i will work on it" or "this is how I play, its not you" something.. anything.. not the drastic "well, if I hurt you then I wont contact you anymore". It seems so childish and extreme. After much talk I finally got the nerve to ask if he was giving up on us playing the sport together, or giving up on us? he said he didn't know yet, but he said i deserved better. This is all so confusing to me.. All I did was asked why he yelled so much. Would a guy be this hurt by that? would he retreat into a shell and give up a year long relationship becuase of one question? I know some of you will say that this is his way of breaking off a relationship becuase he doesnt want to be in it. I really don't believe this is the case. I say this because this same thing happened about 5 months ago. I told him he hurt me. I don't even remember what the circumstance was, but at that time he pulled away yet again. Didnt talk to me, didn't call, said it was better this way. he didn't want to hurt me. After a couple of days he called back for some stupid reason and we worked it out. There has now been only 2 times I have told him that something he does bothers me, and both times he has pulled away and not talked to me. It is almost as if I am being punished for bringing something negative up. Im not sure what to do at this point.

The ache in my gut is mainly when there is conflict. If I knew where I stood with him then I wouldnt maybe worry so much? If I knew that YES, we have a working relationship then maybe the little things wouldnt bother me so much. I guess where my problem stems is here: I have a real fear of being used, so is he closed off because of some past hurtfull experience or is it because this is some fling and really doesnt want me to know the truth? I know noone will be able to answer this, but I am just wondering if someone else has dealt with someone like this and maybe was able to find some things out. Or IS like this and can shed some light.

I am having a hard time with my relationship. I dont understand some things about my guy friend that perhaps someone can help me with. There are several things that bother me with this relationship (if i can even call it that since i am unclear), yet I really want to make it work. For one, he does not ever tell me how he feels. His actions say that I mean a lot to him, but he never tells me. When I ask where our relationship is going, or what he sees with us he responds "i dont know" or "we will see". When i express concern over lack of answers he laughs and says "Do i ever give a straight answer?" and then "dont worry about it". However, he keep in constant contact and acts as if he cares for me a lot. Calls me night and day and gives gifts.. talks about "we" and "us" etc etc. He is very closed off in another way. IF he is angry about something, his usual response is to go angry and silent. I never know if he is angry with me, or someone else. I of course think the worse, but he tells me that "nothing is wrong" there is no communication on his part. I also had something happen last week that bothered me a lot. I was hurt by something he said to me. I will admit that I over-reacted, and it really wasnt that bad, but when I told him that he hurt me, his way of fixing the problem was to cut off all contact. I asked him if that was what he wanted? to break off all contact?, he said "no, but if he is the cause of my pain then that is the easiest way of fixing it" I am not sure what to do.. this man does mean a lot to me, but I dont know how to work through this. Communication is key and it seems as if he keeps a distance perhaps to protect himself? Whenever there is any conflict, however small his usual response is "whatever" or "i dont give a crap" If anyone has dealt with someone like this or knows of how I can handle this type of person please let me know. I am tired of the ache in my gut and the "not knowing".

ty Kellbell... I will try, but damn it is going to be hard. He has a way of punishing me when I do something out of the Normal. Case in point. I was unable to take calls for a 24 hour period, and during this time He called about 6 times and left 3 text messages. By the time I was able to return the call he ignored me completely and would not talk to me for 3 days! After explaining why I was unable to take calls he was fine and totally charming. But I ended up feeling like it was all my fault and it was not. I am unsure if this is fear on his part that he does this, or just childishness.

I apologize shorty if im jumping in your thread and asking questions. feel free to slap me Kellbell.. may i ask you something? I notice in your post that I have done exactly that. Catered to this man, and have always been available to him. He however has left me hanging on many occasions. We have known each other for about 10 months, and this is the norm. I realize that I have handled this relationship all wrong out of fear of losing him. I lost myself into this and need to change that. It HAS cuased heartache mainly becuase he has never TOLD me how he feels. My question to you is, how can I change now? how do I find the strenght, and how do I go about it? carefully? slowly? I dont want to just do a complete 180.

WOW! I lurk here a lot reading posts. but this post hit me because I am having the same exact issue. The problem with my issue, however is it is an LDR. So that makes it that much tougher. My guy does the same thing to me, and has even used that phrase "oh yeah, just leave me hanging". It is as if I am the only one that is supposed to follow rules. The problem also is that he never ever EVER tells me how he feels. Just tells me not to worry about it. This is not an answer! He gives every indication that he is totally and completely into me, by actions. Sends me gifts, talks about "we" when buying things. "should WE buy this, should WE do that". The words, however are not there. I ask him what it is we have going on and he will say "I dont know" or "we will see".. UGGGGG. He will never give a straight answer and even jokes that I will never get a straight answer from him. This has been going on for several months now. I would just like to know.. from his mouth, what I am, or mean to him and he just wont give me that.