The_Doc
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i had a g/f who once missed three periods in a row and the doc put it down to stress caused by work and family related crises.... get it double checked to ease your mind but I'm sure you will be ok
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how can you tell if u have hit the g-spot and the resulting orgasm is a g-spot orgasm and not a clit orgasm (for example when you are stimulating the clit with one hand and the inside with the fingers of the other hand). Often convinced I have found it and the resulting orgasm appears to be well approved of (if you know what I mean) but is there anyway of knowing?
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well I had a first post break up date Saturday. we just went for a bite to eat in a cheap, cheerful pizzeria in a really nice location, sat outside and chatted. Afterwards we just went to a couple of bars, sat outside had drinks and talked. We talked so much we lost travk of time and before we knew it it was 2 am! Just go with the flow.. and have fun
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Heh all Well first post on this board. Ok so for those of you not familiar with my threads quick overview. In a relationship for 4 and 1/2 years, ex broke it off telling me she was no longer 'in love' with me but still loved me on April 10th. Still not 'over' her completley and still would love her to change her mind. However taking the advice of friends and board members I went on a date last Saturday and it made me feel great, changed my mental state overnight and gave me a lot of self confidence. Anyway since then I have seen the newbie twice -- both sort of impromptu affairs. Last night we met for a drink and I was supposed to be going onto a friends for dinner. Instead of enjoying the hour and half and leaving it at that, when it ended I invited her to come along for the food. So 3 dates in 4 days!! I am VERY conscious of rebounding from the last relationship and know she has also only recently broken up with an ex as well. We get on very well although she is VERY VERY quiet which is a complete contrast to my ex. She is also very different physically from the ex and unfortunately I have made comprisons in my head (not during dates but post dates). In terms of slowing things down -- the trouble is we both live in a foreign city that is very small and the english speaking community smaller still. So its difficult to avoid each other anyway. Also she is relatively new to town and doesn't know a lot of people. Compounding all this my ex will be in town next week for a wedding that I am also going to, and after 10 days NC she broke this today. The ex and I have a lot of mutual friends here and so I am very conscious that she will find out through the grapevine that I am seeing her. Equally I am doing everything I can to avoid talking about my ex with the newbie but also worry that she will hear that my ex is in town via the same circles. At times like this a life in a monastery seems very appealing. Advice all... on the above ramble, but in particular about how to keep something fairly casual instead of letting things naturally develop and getting caught in a rebound? Also juggling exes and newbies especially when you still have a lot of feelings for the ex.
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So she called or so she says
The_Doc replied to simon_uk's topic in Healing After Break Up or Divorce
Simon Don't build your hopes up on the basis of this call. I think you handled it well, aloof, indifferent, small talk -- only way to be. You know chatting with girl friends of mine it has become clear that the dumper (especially when it is a woman and when it is not a nasty break up) does miss the ex from time to time, thinks about them etc etc. BUT that it doesn't necessarily mean anything -- kind of like the way you miss a relative that has passed away or something!! So chances are something triggered her memories of you, she felt a little lonely and called. If she wants more she can reach you.. carry on doing as well as you have. My ex broke NC today. 9 days of nothing (ok not long but the longest for us) and then I get one litte instant message saying 'Hi how r u?' I wasn't at my desk so I replied about 30 minutes later. Simply said: 'Good, and u. Not heard from you in a while, everything ok?' Did she reply? Of course not.. utterly bizarre. Anyway the dating with the newbie is going ok although having never had a casual relationship I am so worried about rebounding! One dilemma passes another emerges! Life eh? Doing well my friend, proud of you. -
men are visual... ambience is an addition that can enhance the mood but its really all about what a woman wears, how she wears it, how she removes it etc.. personally a racy basque, stockings, skimpy g-string high heels would do it for me every time a friend of mine came home one night to find his g/f had bought something called a 'kitty pole' -- basically an expandle pole that you can put up in your own house, bedroom temporarily allowing the kind of 'pole dancing' that you get in strip clubs. his g/f proceeded to give him his own private dance and show and it blew his mind (so to speak). Anyway just my humble opinion
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For those of you following my threads you will know I had my first post ex date on Saturday. Well going on the date did me the world of good, boosted my confidence no end, bit of an ego lift and took my mind off the break-up almost completely over the weekend. I am also beginning to feel different about the whole break-up... although not quite sure in what way?? Anyway I haven't had ANY contact with the ex for just over a week and we haven't spoken at any length now for getting on for two. Ok a week is nothing I guess but it is the longest period of no contact since all this transpired 10 weeks ago: no instant messages, no texts, no emails. (Remembering that she was initiating a lot of the contact we had previously). I'm not heartbroken by this change in her attitude, nor in a fit of depression -- I guess I'm feeling something more like 'what have I done to upset her/warrant this etc etc'? However I know now we are no longer a couple there is no reason why we should be in contact all the time and that I have probably done nothing to warrant it at all. Maybe she needs the time or maybe more to the point she thinks 'I' need the time? Just annoying??? she made this big spiel about remaining close friends and how she thought NC would undermine this (about 5 weeks ago) and now NADA. It saddens me that she isn't 'curious', or even being particularly friendly at the moment... obviously doesn't miss me at all... Anyway what do you advise all -- just hang tough and wait until she contacts me? After all what reason do I have to contact her except to tell her what she already knows.. that I still miss her and would like to reconcile. I think the difference in me now is that it isn't hurting like it was, the wound isn't 'raw', so to speak and I know while I still would like to reconcile that life does go on, that I can be happy without her (the date made me realsie that) and that at some point my feelings will change and if she does want to 'come back' there will come a point when it will be too late and I will have moved on and let go?? P.S. I will be going on a second date -- my date has just gone through a break up herself and won't be in the city I am living in for that long so the situation is kind of set up nicely for us just to enjoy each other company occasionally.
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Should I call him or wait until he calls me?
The_Doc replied to misslonelyheart's topic in Getting Back Together
don't call... he aksed for your number and you gave it to him. He now has it and can contact you if he wants. You can't seem too needy and desperate here. Leave the ball in his court for a while and see if anthing develops. Don't push or get your hopes up... expect nothing that way you can only be surprised if something good does happen. In the meantime concentrate on looking after yourself and finding your spirit again. take care -
Update! This is the End! Dropped off her stuff!
The_Doc replied to simon_uk's topic in Healing After Break Up or Divorce
I know you may be feeling bad but the fact you brought yourself to do it shows that you are adjusting emotionally even if it hurts still like mad. Well I can live without some of the stuff but my entire CD collection (200+ CDs), DVD collection, 100s of books, skis, tools etc?? Getting tired of listening to the same 10 CDs over and over LOL I think the thing I've learnt over the last 2 weeks and dating helped me realise this is that we think too much about what 'they' are thinking when in all honesty we can never know and they probably aren't thinking about all of these things anywhere as deeply as we are. take care -
Update! This is the End! Dropped off her stuff!
The_Doc replied to simon_uk's topic in Healing After Break Up or Divorce
Well done Simon What you did tooks guts and determination and you probably surprised the leife out of her by doing this. I have to wrestle with this dilemma as well except in my case my ex has all my stuff and its a 250+ mile journey to go back to the old home. She wants to control when I do this and under what circumstances and I have always relented to her desire to wait to do this in the hope that she would decide for a reconciliation. Now I feel this is and was always unrealistic I'm beginning to think I should just go and do it, after all my name is on the rental contract and I have keys. The ex is often away at weekends with work anyway so i can always tell her Im going up when I know she won't be there. I don't really understand why she wants to delay this -- its been 10 weeks and she seems in no hurry for me to move all my stuff out, wants to do this together but only when she is ready to do it!! I gave up thinking this was because she was still harbouring uncertainty now I just think its a sign of someone not really coming to terms with the consequences of their decisions. Anyhoo well done! Glad to hear your feeling better -
Heh All Well had my first post-breakup date Saturday and it was a great success. Hit it off with this new girl although she is very different from my ex. She is VERY quiet and 'shy' but we chatted into the early hours of the morning and hooked up again for a bite to eat last night. It really did my self-confidence a lot of good and it was the first weekend in 10 that I didn't obsess about the ex... also the first time that my ex and I have have gone a full week with complete NC. Up until a couple of weeks again this 'radio silence' (so to speak) would have driven me insane and made me feel really depressed but now... well it isn't bothering me except in the sense that I wonder what she is doing, thinking etc etc. Not sure how things will develop (if at all) with the new gal, never really been in this situation before -- dumped from a long term (live in) relationship and thrust back on the singles market. Also haven't dated in the conventional sense for over 12 years so no idea how to 'date' -- always rebounded from one relationship to the next'. But as so many advise getting 'back in the saddle' again really is the best way of recovering. Right now i would still love a reonciliation with my ex, but for the first time I am beginning to conceive of life without her and also beginning to think that if she does choose to come back her time frame is limited before I 'move on'. As for the new Gal wanted to ask people if it was normal in these kinds of situation to 'make comparions'. Don't get me wrong these weren't thoughts during the dates but 'post-date'. Comparing the way she looked, her figure, her personality, her hair etc etc. My ex was something of a stunner as well as being very ambitious, intelligent and successful (plus add stubborn and selfish). The new girl is attractive but just so 'different' in every way -- are my thought processes here 'normal'?? As always comments and advice from the group are welcome
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What you choose to do with your bodies is your business not mine. However check out the heartbreak of people in some of these forums... You say you will wait until you find the right guy -- well so many of us thought we found the right person, the 'one', our 'soul mate' only for them to decide that they no longer wanted us. All I'm saying is don't assume that there is only 'one' person you can find happiness with...
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Piece of advice... wonderful as it feels to talk for hours.. don't!! sounds like odd advice? If you like this girl and you want to keep seeing her don't deal all your cards at once... Let her get to you know slowly, let her be curious about you, want to know more... you have plenty of time to get to know each other so enjoy it.... good luck!
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Just thought I'd let all those who were following my situation know that I have a date tomorrow evening. I met the girl in question for the second time last night (after she had called me to set the date!!) over drinks with friends and we chatted for a couple of hours and got along really well. Yes it is an ego boost and it took my mind off my ex for the first time in a long time which was a welcome relief. I still have some reservations about the timing of this date -- its only been 10 weeks since my ex broke our relationship off after 4 and 1/2 years and I would genuinely still like a reconciliation. However as a friend of mine commented this morning I need to get some persepctive: She 'dumped me'!!! She hurt me!! and she has done nothing to reach out or suggest that she is having any second thoughts/doubts. I know I have to beware the danger of the 'rebound' so any advice/comments on this would be welcome. Thanks all
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Help!! I'm close to breaking NC? DO I or DONT I?
The_Doc replied to urbangentleman's topic in Getting Back Together
Urb Well u know what I think already. The whole NC thing is about healing and some people hold strong opinions on this forum that NC should be NC until they contact you and if they dont then good ridance. Lot of people reckon that it takes about half the time you were with someone to get over them, although I think this varies enormously from person to person and depending on the circumstances of the break-up. In your case if you were together 4 months then you have practically reached that half way point. If you feel emotionally strong enough and it won't set you back to square one I don't see this as a problem especially if as you say you are willing to accept that all you may get from this is friendship... Remember if u do, expect nothing, keep talk as small talk and keep it brief... Good luck PM me if you want to continue this.... -
total nonesense that husbands don't buy flowers. When I was married I used to buy my wife flowers and I have bought flowers for all my long term relationships and rarely on special days when it is supposed to be the done thing... but on ordianry days to make the girl in my life feel special... everything from single roses to huge bouquets. ditto with lingerie, CDs, cuddly toys etc you buy gifts because you want to as an expression of love, simple as that
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Thanks Wimpy and everyone else Its been hard to go NC for all the reasons everyone else finds it tough. What has made it almost impossible is that at least until 2 weeks ago (week 7) and this week (week 9) she initiated probably 85% of the contact. Week 8 and this week she went (has gone) very, very quiet. Added to this is the fact that she didn't betray me, cheat on me, leave me for someone else etc etc its hard to be angry for long, just a really strong feeling of sadness and disappointment at the fact that people will dispose of things so easily today. Does anyone try anymore to fix things? Or is relationship counselling just passe? Like I said despite the downer I am proud that I didn't fire off an 'I miss you' SMS last night when I was at my lowest but resisted the urge to contact her.
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Don't chase... if she wants you back she will make it clear and should do if she ended the relationship... playing games, flirting etc etc will not do. She has to reach out. As for her letter?? Well try a declaration of love 10 hours before she tells you that she is not 'in' love with you anymore. Try a sensual kiss in the rain from her 12 hours before and wedding dress window shopping 2 weeks before that! There is no logic to it and you will only go mad trying to find one. I spent the last 9 weeks over analysing every word, the tone of her voice, the things she said and more often 'didn't say' looking for a glimmer of hope. It was never there -- I realise that now, I was seeing what I wanted to see because I couldn't accept what she had done. The point is maybe we may never know the real reasons why, or why they did what they did, when they did. All you can do is focus on looking after yourself, believing in yourself and trying however hard it is to put one foot in front of the other, every morning, every day and every night.
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Relapse Help!! I thought I was doing so well, really felt like I had entered a new phase of the 'grieving/healing' process over the psat 4-5 days and then WHAM the pain, anger, depression and sorrow hit me like a wave again last night. For those of you who have been following my threads you will know that I haven't had a prolonged period of NC with my ex. Far from it. Up until this week she initiated quite a bit of contact, there used to be weekly phone calls of around 20-30 minutes, the occasional 'brief' call to me at work, instant message exchanges and as recently as last Saturday a fairly long and drawn out exchange of text messages. There have always been periods where she dropped off the proverbial 'radar' but something has changed. We haven't spoken at length for almost two weeks now and the short call I received last Friday was only because she 'wanted my help' with something – and she wasn't warm and affectionate like she used to be. I miss the calls… I miss the contact. I did for once resist sending her an SMS last night when I was in a particularly low and vulnerable moment, even though if I had asked her to call me she probably would have. She has maintained from the beginning of the break-up that she wanted to remain close, even 'special' friends but I always expected that this would not happen and that I would eventually become no more than just another of her friends in this city. She is not even being particularly friendly at the moment. I mean I have been there for her but she is never there for me. One thing that kept swirling around my mind this morning was the night after the break-up. I had gone back to our home for the weekend and that is when she did it. However I didn't simply 'pack-up' and go straight away. Anyway that night we slept together (we didn't have sex) in each others arms. When I got upset she pulled me close, held me, comforted me, kissed me. I kept telling her that I didn't want the night to end because it would be the last time we had this intimacy. But what really made me angry this morning was 'how could she do that'. How could she displax such warmth, such affection, be so intimate towards me 'after' she had told me that we were 'over' – then it felt like tenderness now it feels cruel and malicious. And then there is the fact that less than 12 hours before she told me it was over and that she wasn't 'in love' with me anymore, she was telling me that she really loved me!!! The peace of mind I have had the last few days has been a welcome relief. Not to have been 'obsessing' about her 24/7 not waking up thinking of her, not dreaming of her. But it came back… I'm just so emotionally tired and drained by all this… as its only been 9 ½ weeks I know that there is probably a lot more of this to come. Desperate for some words of encouragement and kindness all….
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Thanks HB As for a week in bed!! Well... hmmmm beware the dreaded rebound. Thats exactly what i have done in the past -- bounced from one relationship to the next and confused lust and that initial high of dating someone else with 'love' and then ended up in long term relationships. No this next gal (whoever it may be) will be kept at arms length until I feel emotionally ready for anything else. If she is not happy with that then thats up to her. Anyway as I said the number don't work so there is no date!!
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If this guy is playing games -- forget him Look you just got out of a relationship (like me) and the best thing to do in these kind of situations is enjoy your single status. So date someone else -- you haven't slept together and neither of you are 'in love' so just let him contact you and in the meantime if he doesnt get out there, meet other people, maybe someone who isnt 50 minutes away! Look after yourself and have fun
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What about the elusive G spot? Only once did my ex ever 'squirt' and I (we) never managed to achieve this again despite extensive stimulation of the 'g spot area' manually and with toys. Other peoples experiences???
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Creating the spark - NC when living together
The_Doc replied to SMR's topic in Getting Back Together
This advice sounds very counter-intuitive but it comes from a US marriage guidance counsellor with over 30 years experience. a) agree with her -- marriage is not working, you are right, we need to separate etc -- agreeing stops the conflict she expects from you b) stop applying any pressure c) make her think you are happy with the status quo d) no pleading, no begging e) give her space and time f) do not call her -- but respond to her calls g) don't mention the subject of the relationship/separation/divorce h) look after yourself and so on. The advice sounds upside down i have to admit but its all about making her realise what she is losing by turning her strengths into her weaknesses -
I think people can change BUT They can and will only change if THEY want to... AND There is nothing you can do to change someone... In fact pressurising someone to change only creates conflicts and makes them defensive, I have realised that this is one of the main reasons for the break-up of my relationship with my ex. I pressurised her and pushed her to make major changes in her life for us and she didn't. The ironic thing now is that she now finally appears to be realising that she needs to get the work-life balance right and is doing something about it -- precisely what I pressurised her to do for 9 months. A sober lesson to learn
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over Please read my latest post on my post 'Giving up?? Dating again??' Don't confuse warmth with a desire to try again. Is she wants you back she has to actually tell you that -- no hints, or flirting or pleasantries will do. She broke your heart -- so she should be the one to reach out. Want to know the truth? Of course she still has feelings -- you were together over 4 years and she will be having to cope with those feelings but you cannot make her change her mind, only she can do that. As for worrying about whether you will want her back if she comes back to you months from now. You can't worry about this. I used to think this too. Short answer is -- you cannot know how you will feel IF it happens. Just like you cannot know how you would feel if you won the lottery, lost your job, have a child etc. You cannot hold off living life just because of hopes and fears. IF she comes back months from now you will deal with it then. Maybe it will be to late maybe it won't -- but as a friend of mine said last night -- you just don't know whether the next girl for you is going to get off at the next bus stop. Things usually have a habit of happening when you least expect them so just try to live your life.