The_Doc

Well yesterday had an epiphany but today the rollercoaster has gone into another steep drop! Feel terrible again… going to be a long day! Felt like pulling a sickie so I could sit in the pub and drink! You know, I know my ex is lonely, she has told me, mutual friends have told me. Madness.. she is there feeling lonely and I am here feeling lonely!! She told me last time I saw her (4 weeks ago) that she hates the city where she is living). Not the city itself but her life there… I know her social circle there is very limited (she travels a lot) and I know she misses the life we had (and I have) here in my town. Those of you following this know that she breaks NC and has thrown me a few curveballs with late night SMS messages and calls. I guess her 'need' to contact me when she does (whatever the excuse – How to work stuff, curiosity about what I'm doing etc) is more an expression of this loneliness than any expression of a desire to try again?. As I said before sometimes I think she is scared of trying again for fear of things not changing and of us getting into the downward spiral that our relationship had run into again. Sometimes I think she is scared of trying again because she doesn't want to hurt me anymore and sometimes I wonder if she is scared of telling me that she wants to give 'us' another go because she doesn't want to appear weak and 'needy'. Sometimes I think she is just being bloody stubborn about all this! Sometimes I even delude myself into thinking that she is even waiting for me to suggest we try again. I know I shouldn't but it is hard not to contemplate 'what ifs' and 'what might bes' when you still love someone very much. I know with hindsight that when I asked her to reconsider I did it far too soon. It was only 3 weeks after the break-up and the wounds were still to raw. I did it from a position of weakness and desperation and she hadn't had the time to 'miss me', miss 'us' or realise the consequences of her decision. I played my proverbial 'last card' too soon. Sometimes I really feel like driving up there and whisking her away somewhere… but I haven't. I know you all probably think I'm crazy to carry a torch for her still and that I should be relishing the prospect of seeing other women etc etc. I do feel better than I have done for a long time and I know that I don't NEED her -- I need food, shelter, water, etc but it doesn't stop me WANTING her, desiring her, preferring a life with her to a life without. I know that making her think I am happy with the status quo is the best thing I can do. That declarations of love etc are only going to 'push' her away more, make her shut that door firmly. But it feels so powerless knowing that I can't do anything to affect her decision that ultimately she is the only one who can change her mind, if she ever does! (And I do grow increasingly pessimistic). And patience was never a virtue of mine anyway. Also accepting that she might never do this, or might do this a long, long time from now when I have moved on and no longer desire her is a tough one to accept. Crazy I'm in my early 30s but all of this makes me feel like a 14 year old again. I guess thats because our emotional needs are child-like rather than rational and mature. Comments, words of encouragement etc much, much appreciated, especially today

She broke the relationship off almost two months ago. We did not have a period of NC that lasted more than 4 days.. we both broke NC. Since Saturday she has been the one initiating contact, calling me, sending SMS messages. As I have said before she seems to reach out only to withdraw for periods... The Doc Could I PM you to give you a fuller picture??

OK ex has just sent me Instant Message: 'Good morning, how are you' For ONCE and this is a real FIRST for me I said that I was in the middle of something and couldn't talk -- chat later ok? Proud of myself for achieving thsi first. BUT what next -- ignore her all day, IM her later -- couple of hours, before I finish work? Thoughts??? the Doc

Thanks for the advice all... Would appreciate tips on how to focus on ME and stop obsessing about her. Finally beginning to realise that if there is ever to be a reconciliation it will only come if she wants me again and that this is never going to happen so long as I am a shadow of my former self. She is never going to have a change of heart if because she feels sorry for me or guilty about me being heartbroken. Any change of heart will only come if she once again sees the guy she fell in love with. If I am happy, carefree, fun loving and seemingly over or unaffected by the break up. Realising this is one thing however, achieving it is another. Advice???

Lost Whats done is done and cannot be undone. Dont beat yourself up about it. We have all been there... I sent an SMS last night I wish I hadnt. Please dont dwell on his words or yours. I do this far too often, and it only drives you crazy. Remember actions count not words. Look after yourself.. we all need to concentrate on healing

Heh All Well after a week where there was very little contact, this weekend things swung the other way!!! Although the ex contacted me over seemingly trivial matters (phone numbers, how to work stuff etc) it was hard to get her off the phone as she just wanted to keep talking. She also sent me a string of SMS messages asking what I was up to, doing etc etc. Also what to make of a little jealousy from her (a communication mix-up that made her think I was seeing someone else)?? Some words of encouragement to please, having a really low day AGAIN

Lost Don't chastise yourself about talking for longer than you think was 'healthy'. You both chatted as long as you did because, well you wanted to -- either consciously or subconsciously. Just remember to keep looking after yourself, don't dwell on the call too much, and don't over-analyse what was said, wasn't said, the tone etc etc. My ex regularly calls me (which I'm not sure is healthy) and I have agonised endlessly over the things she has said, the way she has said them etc etc. At the end of the day its actions rather than words that count. Keep smiling and remember whatever you think you are a beautiful person!

Well I'm useless at maintaining NC. In your case she asked for the time so I think you should respect that and concentrate on yourself, concentrate on being the guy she fell in love with. Focus on all your good points, all the things that made her love you. When the time she asked you to give her expires you may need to change track. I personally believe total NC is really only about healing rather than 'winning someone back', its to help you recover. I know that its the 'not knowing' what she is thinking thing that is the one of the hardest things to live with. 'Is she missing you' etc etc. If what you had was special then she will be. You cannot erase someone in a few days or weeks. The longer you guys were together the longer it will take both of you to 'move on'. For now channel your energies into something else. I find writing down all my thoughts in a journal helps. One final thing is whether there is anyone you know who sees her talks to her etc who is your friend as well as hers. Is there someone you can ask about her? Someone you can trust?? Hang in there! Its hard, the hardest thing I have ever had to do. The Doc

What do you want from NC? Do you want to heal/get over the pain? Do you want her back? Do you want to be friends? Don't be hard on yourself, you are not stupid.

Don't know how long you guys were together nor how long she said she needed. Did you agree on NC? If you decided to do it did you tell her or just do it? One friend of mine suggested a time frame to give myself. To fix a date in my mind when I would give up and lay her ghost to rest. You might find this helps -- I don't know. If it eats you alive and you can't wait any longer think about sending a non-emotionally threatening text or e-mail and see how she responds. Now some will say No No No! But the key is what works for you! If the other person has dumped you for someone else, been abusive either pre or post break-up, or the break-up itself was nasty it seems to me that complete NC whatsoever is the solution. If not then it is not always the best solution all the time. What works for you man... we are always here for you The Doc

Urban Struggling as much as you man. In answer to your question ---- NO don't ask her. If you do that now you are forcing the issue and when pushed she will say 'No'. I did this, I asked her to reconsider, she gave it a week and said... 'No'. Since then we have maintained intermitent contact (as much from her as me) and kept it light. Some of this has been 'businesslike' but at times there has been genuine warmth and affection. My advice is give her that time and in the meantime enjoy your life the best you can... even if you are not TRY! Some people will disagree but there seems to be a consensus that they expect you to mourn, grieve and chase. If you don't it confuses the hell out of them. When relationships break down its usually been on a downward spiral for a while. The dumper forgets what they saw in you. If they see the 'old you' again then they just might think twice, realise that they do still care and come back. There is no guarantee of this but the process of trying this can only heal you as well. I'm not saying its easy and every day is still a huge uphill struggle for me but imagine you in their shoes. Would you really be attracted to someone who was begging, pleading, crying, telling you they couldn't live without you?? Mate its hard... but socialising will help and talking in these forums to. As for contact more generally. Let her contact you... if she wants to she will. Hope this helps

Qing Wise words but this begs the following question: Use NC for good... it helps you heal and it can make them miss you and reassess the situation. OK lets suppose it does both. Lets suppose your ex does wake up one day and thinks 'OMG this person was the one, and I still lvoe them, want them etc'. So they inititae contact.. perhaps at first tentatively rather than with a big emotional grand gesture. How do you know if you maintain NC? This seems to me to be the $64,000 question. They come crawling back, you have healed but still love them -- what in this case is the 'next phase' This is the question few people seem to have an aswer for??

Thanks Simon Support is what I need. Sunday, Monday, wednesday last week she initiated all contact and there was a lot of warmth. Last 7 days almost nothing! I know NC heals but I do want her back -- its the powerlessness of not being able to do anything to affect this that I find frustrating. Aggghhhh

God this could me my story too!! In my case it was 4 and 1/2 years not 6! Wanna be my rehab buddy! LOL She dumped me because of a declining relationship, she wanted to concentrate on her career etc etc. She flips from initiating contact to periods of silence and NC. She says she won't tell me how she feels because she wants to protect me. Then she shows warmth and affection when the guard drops -- occasional sweet SMS messages or flirty instant message exchanges. Then more radio silence. A friend met her and said she was asking about me and when I said I was sad there was no good news he said -- can't say more cos she spoke in confidence but just keep doing what you are doing (i.e. get on with your life). Why? Wouldn't say. All I can say is that after that time she will miss you, will think of you and will even think about the future. Don't plead, don't beg. She will be curious about you. My advice is look after yourself, however tough go out, try to have fun, work out at the gym, find yourself, go back to the fun loving guy she first met. If you feel you need NC then just do it, don't tell her. But equally if she reaches out and you want to reply or talk then do so. Not immediately every time, be nice, be fun and don't mention the relationship unless she does. You can show affection and warmth without telling her you love her or miss her. (Although I have done the latter several times -- probably stupidly). At the end of the day if she wants you back she will come back. Depending on you and how long this takes you may or not want her back. If she doesn't come back then sadly it was not meant to be. Hope this helps... Lots of advice from people here helps me but I still obsess and I am still struggling with this daily. The Doc

Theres no real answer to this. So many of us, myself included, cannot conceive of a life without our ex in it. Like the mythical search for the Holy Grail we so want there to be a way of getting them back. Be this a guide book, a rule book, a strategy. Clearly for some people NC has brought them back together. Whether these couples would have got back together again anyway is the hard question to answer. Many on these forums think that doing anything to 'win them back' is manipulative and that we can do nothing but let them come back to us if they want and if they don't we move on. No it simply expresses the desire of the heartbroken.... All we can do is be ourselves and do what we think is right and what we want... Every break up is different but there are some common themes and general advice which can help. If we choose to take it, how to act upon it and how to follow it up is our decision. Anyone know any love potions

Sorry it didn't work out Hope something comes your way soon All I want to do is start dating my ex again

I can't even think about dating anyone else at the moment... My heart is just aching so much

Struggling with no contact want to pick up that phone and call desperately I keep trying to repeat this mantra: If she wants you back she will come back of her own accord She knows where you are She knows how to contact you Stop chasing her and she will have to stop running If its meant to be it will, if its not then life will move on Time heals even the deepest wounds NC allows you to heal She can't 'miss you' if you are always chasing her and always there --------------------- BUT Still doesn't stop me obsessing 24/7 Still doesn't stop me missing her Still doesn't stop me dreaming of her Help everyone... I love her so much and miss her more than I ever thought was possible Funny its been 7 weeks and this is the hardest week in a long, long time I broke down in tears last night when I was at my friends it hurts and I want to stop hurting

Lost I can't begin to know how bad you are feeling, except that I suppose for many of us struggling to come to terms with why the person we love decided to break our hearts many of us fear and suspect that the real reason is because there is someone else and that they are trying to 'protect us' from more pain. Sending you a big hug as I am sure many others are. Don't break NC. You know that begging and pleading will not bring him back. I am terrible at maintaining NC because all I want is to hear her voice, read an SMS from her etc etc. But ultimately it proves never to quite be what I want and I feel sad and disappointed further. Nothing but time will make you feel better. He won't come back if you chase him. Once you stop he has no reason to run anymore. Let him live his life and make his mistakes. After 7 years he cannot erase you from his life, he will think of you and he will make comparisons between this girl and you. You need to heal yourself. If he wants to come back he knows where you are. If he wants to talk to you, he knows how to. Don't be his insurance policy if this goes wrong. Look after yourself. it will hurt, I am hurting every single day. But hang in there. One day you may find that you don't want him to come back even if he did.

Well its one week since we last spoke -- the longest period with no verbal communication since the break up 7 weeks ago. Jeez it feels like 1 year! I'm really struggling. Beginning of last week she inititated a lot of contact, to which I replied, and since last Wednesday has initiated nothing. Last week she was warm and affectionate -- engaged in some playful, wistful flirting on instant messaging and then sent me a sweet SMS. Then she went away for 5 days and NADA. Zip!! I know NC is supposed to help me heal but I just can't understand why she was so different last week to this week. Times like this I wish i knew what was going through her mind -- why the change?? I'm sure you will all advise simply maintaining the NC and letting her contact me again if she wants to -- she knows where I am, how to contact me etc etc Still its hard... this morning was the hardest day of all to drag myself out of bed and into the office. I almost took the whole day off sick I felt so blue I just wanted to stay in bed and wallow. I still find myself succombing to tears and there isn't an hour of everyday that I don't think of her, miss her and want her back. Unrequited love eh! The Doc

Going through all the same emotions. How can they stop loving you so suddenly... do they miss you, do they still think of you etc, why won't they contact you... All of this is normal. I'm 7 weeks in and I still count the days and struggle to get out of bed each morning and just carry on. My ex occasionally breaks NC and calls or IMs or less occasionally sends an SMS. Its no easier when they do contact you... that only leads to disappointment, false hope and sadness too. Just hang in there, look after yourself and keep yourself busy You are not alone

Dear HB Thanks... slipping away is precisely what I both fear and expect, and maybe its what I already see happening this week. We still have a lot of unresolved issues not least of which is removing all of my stuff from our former 'mutual' home and a wedding we will both be attending in about a month's time. This girl was in my life the first time 10 years ago. Disappeared off the radar (we didn't actually date the first time) for 5 years and then came back on the scene. Within 3 months we started seeing each other via a LDR and then within 18 months were living together for 3 years. I gave everything up for her then and moved to the city she was living in. A year ago when her job took her to a new city I followed again, leaving everything behind, before 7 weeks ago she cuts me off. Deep down I always feared I would lose her once more and that when I did it would be a slow death. The sad, sad thing is that we were so right for each other -- eveyone thought so, her family, mine, her friends, mine etc etc. Everyone was stunned and shocked when she made her decision and living with this, or at least trying to is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. Everyones kind words are a lot of help and encouragement -- thanks. Still heartbroken and still breaking down from time to time The Doc

Heh All Well I broke NC after 3 days with nothing more than a sad 'smiley'. She replied a few hours later asking me ho I was and how my trip to see my friend this weekend was going. My mate and I didn't get back til late so i replied late telling her that I had had a great time but that she was missed. I got the read reciept but nothing in return. We haven't spoken for a week and ok 3 days is not a long time but it is the longest unbroken NC we have had in the last 7 weeks. Nothing seems to make me feel better. NC kills me.. the last time she broke NC. When i hear from her there is a temporary lift but ultimately disappointment and sadness. When NC happens I feel so much depression and despair. I know one text message is nothing but the SMS in the early hours of Thursday morning still goes round and round my head 'I wish I had been there' followed by a sweet little pet name she has for me. Since then nothing until her reply yesterday morning which was 'businesslike' to say the least. I'm just confused, exhausted and unable to manage either LC or NC equally. All I know is that I still love her as much as I did, miss her more than I thought I could ever miss another human being, and long for the reconciliation that would bring the life back to me. The Doc

Thanks Hb No he is a best buddy but he feels torn because he is alos good friends with her. When we were a couple WE did a hell of a lot for him when he went through a bad time. I will see him next week and maybe quiz some more. Why wouldn't he tell me its over?? I don't know. When I said "I was hoping for better news" he said --- "I can't really say much as I said" Maybe she is having her own doubts but doesn't want to give me false hope and doesn't want to see me sitting around waiting for her in case she doesn't change her mind.. I don't know, how can you know. I really, really want this one back Hb but I just feel so powerless, I have had several (live together) long term relationships before and this was the best ever. Everyone who knew us thought we were so good together. Trouble is I don't want to push her away now but I am struggling with the daily grind of heartbreak and insecurity. It has I suppose only been 7 weeks which from other threads on this forum is not a long time really. especially when others say that it takes the dumper 3-6 months to realise what they have done. A big thank you to all who have been helping me so far... your words have been a great comfort.

After the sweet and unexpected text message Wednesday the ex had dropped off the radar again. My best buddy met her for dinner last night (he had a business trip to the city she works in when she is not in our old home). Anyway he said he couldn't 'reveal' too much because she had spoken to him in confidence (they have been friends for 3 years). But what he did say broke my heart again. (And no I don't think there is anything between them -- they live in different cities and he is madly in love with a girl here who he lives with). Anyway basically she said she is 'happy with her work' and that she is 'making changes' with regard to her life and thinks I should get on with mine. He reassured me that there is/was no-one else. So what was she playing at when she sent me that sweet text message? and why does she think she can call to chat for 30-40 minutes when it suits her and then disappear when it suits her too. I want to let go but I just can't... it kills me because I love this woman more than anyone will ever know or understand. I feel like I'm being asked to cut off one of my own limbs!! Help everyone