The_Doc

Well with my current g/f it was her smile that first attracted me to her, and her eyes. Once we started dating it was her intelligence that turned me on and then well lets say there were sparks in the bedroom too...

Well we had a 'talk'. I didn't bring up the subject of living together but had made it clear before that I really like her being 'around'. Anyway in the talk I basically told her that I had changed my mind since we last had a talk a few weeks ago. Then I had said that I wanted a casual relationship where we enjoyed each others company but nothing serious. She agreed at the time. So last night i told her I had changed my mind and she asked me to elaborate. So I said that I didn't want to 'restrict' what might happen, that I had a lot of fun, enjoyed her company, felt things were developing and was now happy to see where things went, happy to get involved. I was very relieved when she told me that this was also how she had been thinking and that it appears we are 'singing from the same song sheet'. Anyway I still don't want her to move out and I think she knows. But I feel I have said enough now and don't want to push things too far. I figured I wouldn't comment/mention her appartment hunting and just see how actively she pursues it. Advice/comments

Thanks Ray I think you are probably right -- the thing is when we had 'the talk' casual and uncomplicated was what I wanted. But the last two weekends where we have effectively lived together has changed my view of what I want from the relationship. The trouble is while she seems to be warming to me affectionally I just do not know if she feels differently as well, or whether no commitment (bar exclusivity) is what she still wants. I guess the only way to find out is to talk to her and ask her??

Wow didn't think I would be posting in here after my recent break up (is 3 months + that recent?) Ok heres my dilemma... I get on really well with the new girl and things have moved pretty fast.. she lost her appartment just before she had to go away to do some work so I said she could stay with me until she got bakc and found somewhere new. So anyway she is back and she is currently 'living' with me. The thing is at first it was merely meant as a kind gesture. But now well I think my feelings are developing for her. Trouble is I am terrified of moving too fast and scaring her off by asking her to stay. Although we've only been dating for a month we've seen a LOT of each other and both talked about this. She has said that she thought things were moving too fast at first but really liked spending time with me so has just gone with the flow. However I also am plagued by doubts that she isn't as 'in to me' as I am into her. I think this is probably just me being paranoid after being hurt so badly by the break-up with my ex... and she has visibly 'warmed' towards me over the weekend affection-wise. Anyway now the weekend is over, she has begun the appartment search and I am back at work. Although we both initially said that we wanted something 'casual and uncomplicated' my feelings on this are changing but I don't know if hers are and I don't want to wreck the fun and great times we are having by being perceived as 'needy' and desperate'. I really like this girl and want to move things forward. I know most of you will advise patience... Comments please?? The Doc

well i got a 2nd SMS 2 hours later asking me how I was -- ha Doh! How does she think. Then coincidence or not her best friend calls me about 20 minutes to see how I was! I decided to send a reply about 3 hours after the second message asking her why she was so concerned about me. She said it was because I looked terrible when she saw me last and it hurts her to see me hurting. Find it all baffling -- it was her who made the point on Sunday in 'the talk part two' that we should not contact each other much for a few weeks or months and we should use IM or email as other forms were too personal. Of course Im hurt what does she expect. I suppose all Im getting from her is her guilty conscience.

Long story but her contacting me this week was after we saw each other at a wedding at the weekend (see my posts on the forum).

From my experience with my ex I will say this... She will miss you but not in the way you miss her.. you missing her is a 'yearning' you want her, feel you need her. As the dumper she will probably occasionally think about something you did together, maybe it will be a song she hears, a place she goes or whatever. But it won't be a yearning. Try not to think about what she is thinking because a) you can never know and b) it will not be what you are thinking. Maybe she is stubborn but her lack of contact is much more likely to be a sign that she wants to move on. Hard as this sounds... I like this fact no more than you or anyone else.

PS she dumped you so why should she come back on your terms? I don't mean to be harsh but if she wants to come back she would be and should be reaching out to you not the other way around. If she dumped you and you start asking her to come back you look desperate and needy and while there is always a slim chance that she might come back to you if she feels sorry for you and guilty about thwta she has done it is very unlikely. Just look at all the posts on the forum. How many people report positive stories? I want my ex to come back more than anything but in short there is very little you can do if she doesn't want to come back. You have to let them go... old adage, overused on this site but true neonetheless. If you love someone let them go. If they return to you, it was meant to be. If they don't, their love was never yours to begin with.

What I can tell you is that she won't have forgotten about you -- not if you were together for two years... HOWEVER her silence shows you that she doesn't want to contact you at the moment. You want to contact her because you obviously think it might make her reply. While it might... it is probably more likely she won't, and then you will feel added misery that she has ignored a direct message from you. I agree with Urb that in the end you should do what you want to do but be prepared for more hurt rather than less, especially if you EXPECT something back. My ex contacted me 3 times on Sunday and twice yesterday (she was worried about me -- probably guilt). When I replied to her this morning did I get a response -- NO of course I didn't. How did that make me feel --terrible!

The new girl and I had a chat about stuff last week -- she has just come out of a 4 year relationship a few months ago too... although she ended it. We both agreed that we didn't want anything serious.. she asked me how I felt about my ex and I told her I still had feelings for her... She said she was glad we cleared the air.. She will be leaving town in a few months permanently as well Shes not really a 'rebound' as I don't have any feelings for her although I like her company and I am desperate to avoid a rebound anyway... She is also away all this week and next with the exception of Saturday when we will hook up. My ex isn't going to change her mind and get back with me... I know that now. Of course I don't want to hurt the new girl -- that is why I have been straight and honest with her about my feelings and what I want. Besides we have only been dating for a little over 2 weeks

More baffled daily... Just got an SMS from her (she insisted on NC on Sunday) telling me that her 'other' mobile phone is now active again so I can contact her on that! She even ended the message with a X --- something she hasn't done in weeks and weeks! I have absolutley no idea what to make of any of this! Help!

Don't blame yourself... these things take two people. Look he knows how you feel ynd you do not have to remind him constantly. The best thing for you to do now is not to contact him at all for a while. He needed his time -- now you need yours. You have to focus on yourself and try not to be his insurance policy. You deserve someone who wants you as you are not someone who is not sure about you. You need to heal... and to do that you need sometime alone. Im not saying you should never contact him again but you HAVE TO stop chasing him. And I'm not talking about days here but weeks or even months. Now that probably sounds horrible but you CANNOT make someone love you. Telling him all the time will only make him see you as someone to feel sorry for, someone needy. If he chooses to come back to you he will -- but don't expect it. Look after yourself, keep yourself busy, work hard, keep fit, read, go out with friends. Put yourself first... and if you ever feel like sending him an IM, or an SMS or calling -- STOP and IM, SMS or call a friend for support instead. Time to heal....

No it doesn't mean he is over you. I have recently started seeing a new girl after my ex broke up with me 3 months ago -- we were together 4 and 1/2 years. I am still as much in love with my ex g/f as I ever was but she has made it clear that there is no chance for a reconciliation. I am seeing someone new to help heal, to recover self-esteem, to boost my ego and for the company of another human being. If my ex said tomorrow that she had made a mistake and wanted to try again I would embrace that chance. But she isn't going to and I have decided that I cannot live my life expecting her to change her mind. For my emotional and mental health I have to stop being an insurance policy and try to move on... hope this helps

Heh can I get some female perspectives on this please? This has been freaking me out all night.... why continue to lie after I had told her I was seeing someone.... my other fear is that the new guy might not be so 'new' and that she may have been in the early stages of something when she broke the relationship off in April. Although my 'source' cannot confirm this and there is little evidence of this... Also on the 'I want to be special friends thing' -- do women really mean this or do they do this simply to salvage a safety net in the unlikely event she thinks in the future that she has messed up? I haven't been this low in weeks

But she didn't ask me... Before she came back last Wednesday I called her on the Tuesday to ask her if she still felt the same way about everything. She said yes.. so I told her about the newbie. Then when she got here and we met for coffee she asked loads of questions about this girl. When I asked her if she was seeing anyone she told me 'No, only relationship I have is with my laptop'. I just don't understand the need to hide this anymore. She says she wants me to move on and feels after my display of emotions at the wedding that I am not but then keeps this from me!! Why?

Ok totally confused need help My ex came back for this wedding we were both invited to (she was bridesmaid). We met for coffee on Wednesday where she asked me a lot of questions about the newbie I had started dating. At the time I asked her is he was seeing anyone and she said 'no'. I also learnt from a mutual friend that she was a bit shocked by the fact I was dating again even though she put on a brave face for me. Now post wedding (sat) i drove her to the airport -- we had a 2nd break-up talk, lots of emotion and tears and she said we both needed to NC for a while but that she wanted to remain great friends. She then breaks this immediately texting me last night saying how it hurt her to see me hurting and that she wanted to know I was ok etc. I then found out today (not from her) that she is dating some guy and I am totally confused!!!! Why lie to me? She wants me to move on and stop loving her, she wants us to keep a friendship -- so why hide this info from me?? Knowing she is dating some guy adds even more finality and closure to the current relationship between us which is what she wants. Surely i gave her an easy opening to tell her?? Please let me have your thoughts on this as I am utterly confused by her responses and reactions.

Heh Why are you so mad about this? There seems no need to be? Look you obviously meant much more to him than you realised -- especially if this guy hasn't much experience of dating.. he obviously took the break up quite badly and has fond and idealised memories about it. I think your message is crystal clear and most guys would accept this as a final answer -- so no need to kick the guy unnecessarily. Come on he is hardly stalking you, you have heard nothing from him for 7 months... its summer, you met in summer, he is feeling lonely. If he replies or tries to contact you again just ignore him, keep him blocked etc and he WILL get the message. Don't be cruel unless he starts doing crazy things....

thanks all I told the newbie about the ex. We had a heart to heart on Tuesday evening. I figured that she deserved to know that the ex was going to be at the wedding. I got the conversation on to the topic by asking the newbie about her break-up with her boyfriend knowing that once she had told me all about it she would ask me about my situation. She asked me how I felt about the ex and I told her that I still had feelings for her but that the ex had made it clear the relationship was over and that I was trying to move on and get on with my life. The newbie thanked me for my honesty... She also said that she wanted something casual and fairly relaxed because it was still quite soon after her break up to get deeply involved and because she will be leaving the country towards the end of the year to do vountary work overseas. As for the ex... I find it so frustrating because its so obvious that we still have a spark, still have chemistry and still enjoy each others company. But she remains adamant that the relationship part is over. She has shown no sign of waivering or reaching out. I'm not sure any quiet talk will make any difference... I think that if there is ever any change of heart from her it will be something that will take place post wedding and probably a long, long time from now... and I am not prepared to put my life on hold in the hope of something that may never happen. I have just been surprised by how my feelings for her have not changed in the slightest -- will they ever? I mean can you meet your soulmate only for the two of you never to be destined to be together. I know I can love again, I have loved before. But I just don't know if I can ever love someone as wholly or completely as I love the ex....

just to clarify the ex is not seeing anyone... i've started dating (almost 2 weeks) but she is just not the ex! As for the wedding -- I want to go because I care very much about the two friends who are getting married -- any advice on how to handle the ex on the day? (She is bridesmaid)

Well I met my ex for drinks/coffee yesterday -- it was wonderful and a nightmare at the same time!! I was shocked and surprised that my feelings for her hadn't changed one little bit... despite the fact I have started dating someone else just over a week ago. Seeing her just made me melt inside, she is everything I remember -- attractive, funny, intelligent.... During the meeting I was laid back, I made her laugh, kept things on small talk. I decided to tell her before she arrived that I had started dating someone -- I didn't want her to find out via the grapevine, and when she broke up with me we did promise each other that we would tell each other when we started dating again. I also hoped it might 'rattle her cage' a bit, stir things up, which it didn't seem to do at all. Anyway she brought up the new date -- I didn't divulge much, told her she was 8 years younger than me, thin etc etc. Turns out she had been asking friends all about her, so there is an obvious curiosity factor. SHE hugged me when I arrived, and again when I dropped her off at the friend's she was satying at last night -- she asked me if I would dance with her at the wedding on Saturday and was generally warm and friendly. However bitter experience suggests that I can't read ANYTHING into the way she was, there was so little given out, or said of any significance about 'us' -- I didn't raise the issue of 'us', nor did she. I did send her a text the night before asking her if she felt the same about everything and she said she did (she had broken NC to arrange the meeting yesterday). The trouble is.. much as I wish I wasn't, I am still totally and utterly in love with her. After I dropped her off I have to admit I cried buckets, all i wanted to do was hug her, hold her hand, kiss her. Fate is cruel... and now I have the wedding to look forward to.... I am supposed to be meeting the newbie tonight to go for a run -- she is a very nice girl but right now I don't want to be with her I want to be with my ex, and I can't. Help please.....

ask her out on a date if she says no, then stop texting/calling and move on....

When a cell is off it still records calls -- some older models don't -- but most do (e.g. Nokia). So he probably does know.. I found this out when I called my ex one night got her voicemail but left no message. next day she sent me an SMS saying 'you tried calling me twice last night, is everything ok?'

Well I told both of them!!! With regards the newbie she said she really appreciated the honesty -- especially about the fact that my ex will be at the wedding I am going to on Saturday. She told me about her break-up and in sharing it brought us a little closer together -- the kiss afterwards was more emotionally laden than those before. As for the ex well she reacted too well to the news I was dating someone. She was laughing and joking about the age difference and said she was happy for me. I was expecting her to be upset, angry?? at least a little jealous but nothing of the sort. It was a real curveball!! Anyway the ex is now back in town and we are meeting for a coffee in a few hours... she knows I still love her but her reaction to the above news seemed to suggest to me that she has moved on so much further than I have... makes me feel that she never valued me as much as I valued her. Anyhow despite everything I have some trepidation about the meeting although practically no expectations... except that there will probably be a swirl of emotions when i see her. I know some of you would advise me not to meet her but we have always wanted to remain friends -- however tough that might be and this will be the first 'direct' contact for almost 8 weeks... How should I act? Advice from similar situations people have found themselves in is desperately needed!!!

Well the ex is back in town tomorrow and staying at my best friends!!! (He is away but she is staying with his g/f). So she called after 3 weeks telephone silence -- friendly.. mostly small talk. Wants to meet for a coffee. She heads off to the village on Thursday where our mutual friends are getting married in on Saturday (she is bridesmaid). All of this has stirred up all of my emotions for her and I realise that I am still madly in love with her -- and this is before I have seen her. I kept the call short and said that I expected her to be too busy to hook up but she said she would have the time after work tomorrow. She also asked me if my offer to drive her back to the airport on Sunday was still open -- I said it was (I know I should have said no... but maybe her friends will persuade her that its not a good idea and save me from this). She doesn't know I have started dating and I am in a dilemma whether to tell her or to tell the newbie. As I have said before this place is small and our friends are mostly mutual so unless everyone is very discrete there is a high probability that she will find out... how this will affect her I have absolutely no idea. I also don't want to hurt/upset the newbie and I am parnoid about either the newbie running into us or the ex running into the newbie and me!! Part of me feels like boarding the first plane to North Korea and hiding out there until the wedding is over and she has left. As for the wedding itself!! OMG seeing her looking a million bucks in her birdesmaid outfit will be tough as will the fact that eveyone at the wedding would have been the people we would have invited to our wedding!!! (Including the bride who would have been our bridesmaid). Cruel twist of fate heh -- to give you a glimpse of 'what could have been'. Do people think any of this will be going through her head -- even though she was the dumper?? Really need some advice and words of comfort... I was coping really well until last night now I just don't know what to do with myself... 1. What will happen with the ex if anything 2. How I feel about the newbie 3. Who to tell what if anything Life just gets messier and messier

OK all dilemma time… Ever since the ex broke up with me after 4 and ½ years 11 weeks ago I have dreaded this week arriving. Why? Because on Saturday we will both be attending a wedding of a good friend. The ex will be bridesmaid and although we never got engaged or set a date we often talked about it and planned for 'our' big day. Of course had this happened the bride on Saturday would have been her bridesmaid and most of the guests on Saturday would have been the guests at our wedding. Ok some people strongly suggested that this was a wedding I should have declined to attend but I want to be their to share the joy of my friends however painful it might be. Of course the ex will be arriving in town tomorrow or Wednesday in preparation for Saturday. We haven't spoken for over 3 weeks and with the exception of one brief instant message from the ex last week we have had over 2 weeks of NC. Last time we spoke at any length the ex had said she wanted to meet for dinner before the wedding… but since the NC nothing more has been said about this. I suspect that dinner will not happen and that I won't see her before Saturday when she will be all dressed up and looking a million bucks. I know that it will be tough to see her 'at the front' and that a millon 'what ifs' will be going through my head on the day and all this week. Of course the ex has not 'reached out' and the NC is a sign from her that she is moving on. For those of you following my posts you will also know that I began dating a newbie last weekend and yesterday I spent a lovely day with her… we have a lot of fun together and she is a great girl. However the ex has remained firnly off the agenda of discussion and I have probably been 'holding back' because somewhere deep down I still feel that the wedding might lead to a change of heart by the ex…. I know that she cannot attend the wedding and not think about the things that I will be thinking, and that there will also be regret and 'what ifs' going through her mind. Of course the fact that I am dating now has meant that the NC has not affected me like previous periods of NC and that I have begun letting go and moving on to. So whats the issue? Well do I tell the newbie about any of this? Do I tell her that the wedding she knows I am going to is going to have the ex in attendance? Do I tell her about any of my feelings? So far the ex has firmly remained a closed subject… something only hinted to at best… I have consciously made an effore to talk about 'me' and 'I' when discussinf things I did in the past that involved the ex and I. As I have said before I do make comparisons in my mind between the two of them. Also while I don't feel despair or depression anymore I do feel a lot of sadness, sadness that those 4 and ½ years meant so little to the ex, and that they are bing consigned to the 'dumpster of history'. There remains the unresolved issue of all my stuff which remains at what used to be our mutual home, the 'unspoken' issue remaining between us. Why the ex is holding on to all this stuff and is not keen to have me clear the home of all my things baffles me no end. As I said there has been no 'reaching out' and in fact if anything the 'distance' has grown in the last three weeks… All I know is that this week is going to be an emotional rollercoaster…. What do you think/advise everyone? One final question --- should I tell the ex that I am dating… or is it none of her business….