The_Doc

Heh All Big one: how men and women communicate Well had the first argument of sorts with the new g/f over the issue of money -- surprise, surprise. well I say argument but there was no fighting, yelling, etc etc but she seemed affected by it. My current g/f doesn't have a lot of work at the moment and its affecting her self-esteem and confidence as well as leaving her worried about money. I tried the usual guy approach -- Mr. Fix It. There is a problem, find a solution. I tried to reassure her that it was temporary, things would improve and that she didn't need to worry because I thought about my money as our money -- pooling resources etc. She got quite stressed by the idea of 'pooling' resources rather than contributing 'equally' and dividing things up... funny I was a little offended by this for some reason and so we ended up going round and round with it. OK I guess from her point of view its important for her self-esteem that she is financially independent but that this is not a reflection on her emotions/feelings or the relationship but about her self-worth. Anyway I wanted to canvas other opinions on a) money issues and how to face them b) whether the whole Mr. Fix-It attitude is not what women want. Men hear all the time about the need to be good listeners but its also in our nature to try to find solutions. I guess I'm asking whether its better to just be an ear to listen, to be sympathetic but not to 'intervene' (so to speak). Thoughts? The Doc

P.S. 27 hours to wait for results and nervous as hell

What about 'other' complications?? E.g. Yeast infections, urinary tract infection, general irritation? I assume these things can be transmitted via sex? I also heard that antibiotics can trigger yeast infections? Had to take strong dose of antibiotics 2 weeks ago and had minor irritation and soreness since then. Any advice (feel free to send me personal message) gratefully received. I'm living abroad and while most of the doctor's speak english they are not fluent enough to always communicate everything I want to, to them.

Well of course re: symptoms you worry don't you? Apparetly you get flu-like symptoms 3-4 weeks after, but then return to normal health.. but then how would you know it wasn't just flu or a bad cold? Well I have another 48 hours to wait and I am getting more nervous and paranoid. The only thing I have to worry about is whether my ex cheated on me or not and if she did whether she was stupid enough to have unprotected sex. That is the only way I could have contracted HIV... otherwise I am in the clear. God makes me wish I had given my usual Christmas blood last year now. Someone said it takes 6 months to show in the blood but the Doc I saw yesterday said 6 weeks? Any thoughts/comments etc

Just got back from first ever HIV test. My new g/f asked me to take the test since she would like to go on the Pill. Anyway while I can vouch for my own behaviour in the past this hasn't stopped me getting totally paranoid about the test results. I mean I was until April I was in a long term relationship for 4 years and had frequent unprotected sex with my partner. When she broke the relationship off she insisted that there was no-one else involved but how can you be sure about the other person??? I have long suspected that she may have been unfaithful and she had plenty of time and opportunities to be. I know that prior to that relationship I was 100% clean as I was a frequent blood donor and blood i screened for HIV. So the next few days will be tense for me. Of course equally I dont want to panic or freak my current g/f with my fears and anxieties. So thoughts/advice and warm words much needed The Doc

Thanks all I guess I just have to learn to accept her the way she is. I acted like a prize jerk last night because she wasn't reciprocating the way I wanted and I upset her in the process. Later on we talked about it and she said that I shouldn't be uncertain about how she feels about me She also was very surprised and appreciative when I apologised to her for being a jerk. If I am honest with myself I don't have to have the 'gestures', if I look closely its there... in the way her eyes sparkle when she looks at me, in the was she smiles at me, laughs at my jokes, holds me etc. Hollywood has a lot to answer for LOL

My ex broke our 4 year relationship off at very beginning of April and it hurt like hell. However when I least expected it I met a wonderful girl at a party and fell hopelessly in love. Persevere -- as a friend of mine said in May, 'You never know who will get off the next bus'.

Thanks HK I do try to bring it up jokingly as a tease, but I don't want to overdo it as I don't want it too appear that I am 'complaining', 'whining', 'needy' etc etc. Its tough job playing the Alpha male when you are a sensitive soul LOL

Question for everyone? In your relationships do you both make gestures and declarations of your feelings for each other? I ask because one of the problems I usually have in relationships is a feeling that my love is never reciprocated in the way I would like. I know my current G/f loves me and was so 'over-the-moon' when she told me, but she rarely makes any 'sweet' declarations, and so far has never really 'shown' her feelings in either little or dramatic gestures. No little notes, gifts, surprises etc. I also feel that this is not something that 'guys' can really bring up as to do so conveys the impression we are needy and complaining. But do other guys feel like it is one-way traffice sometimes? Do other guys feel the 'need' for reciprocal gestures? Maybe I expect too much... none of my exs were particurlarly thoughful either. I do all of the above but it would be so nice and mean so much if I got something back, however small.

Don't blame men. I don't think 'men' are driving women to have their labia altered but the media including the porn industry. Personally i have no pref but if pressed would say I prefer ones that aren't tucked away as they give you something to suck on and lick!!! LOL I can also honestly say that I have NEVER had a conversation with any of my guy friends ever about this kind of preference. Maybe I'm weird??? Usually when guys compare gals its looks, breasts, asses and personalities (believe it or not)

Heh All Just wondered how people cope with the 'will it happen again syndrome'. I have been in a new relationship for over 3 months now and it is going from strength to strength. Trouble is I have been badly hurt and 'burnt' on three previous occasions over the years in long term relationships. The last time hurt the most as I had put so much energy and commitment into it, given up a career for it and physically moved countries on two separate occasions. Anyway the past has come back to haunt me recetly with some sour and hurtful communication from my ex and it has left me feeling very insecure about the current relationship. I don't feel I can express this fully with the new girlfriend as she has this picture of me as a confident and smart guy and I don't want her to see a needy, insecure guy. However I worry about her commitment and about making the commitment and effort all over again only to find it let down again in the future. I feel so exhausted by this kind of stuff. All I want is to find happiness with someone who won't let me down, who will restore my trust in humanity and in 'mongamy'. I ultimately just want to settle down, have a family and grow old in the company of a person who will be my lover, confidant, best friend and if there is sucha thing, my soul mate. What I worry is that my insecurities will erode the foundations of the latest relationship and ultimately the whole thing will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Am I alone in feeling like this? Do people have advice or warm words to help The Doc

Sugar Mouse Well I recently told my girlfriend that I love her and she didn't tell me back either. The point is we don't say those magical three words because we expect to hear them back. Of course there is nothing that I would love to hear more than for her to tell me that she loves me. But I want her to say it to me when she is ready not because she feels pressurised to do. If you love him and want to tell him it doesn't matter where or when as long as its from the heart. Equally if he loves you he shoud understand that you might need more time. To summarise... tell him when it feels right Good luck

Thanks Fallen Well I think you hit the nail on the head. Of course you don't say 'I love You' because you expect to hear it.. but equally you do get a little paranoid when you are the one putting your heart on your sleeve.... In your case how long was it after you had told her you loved her that she reciprocated?

Thanks for all the positive comments I still feel a little 'vulnerable' that I have said it and its 'out there' while she hasn't. We had another great weekend together and she continues to smile radiantly at me all the time, be very warm and affectionate and has a look in her eyes that suspiciously looks like 'love' but maybe thats just wishful thinking on my part. Question... once said how often/infrequent should future utterances be?? I mean if I say it too much I look needy and wet? Plus I assume the more I say it the more it pressurises her?? So less is more here? Thoughts

Well I was going to wait until we went away on a trip next week and choose a suitably romantic location... I have however been wanting to tell her that I love her for days now after deciding that it was love I was feeling... Anyway she was sick last night, looking all vulnerable and cute and well it came out... Trouble is she didn't reciprocate, although I know you shouldn't say it simply because u want or expect the other person too. Anyway it was still a disappointment She did look like the cat that had got the cream and later hugged me really tightly and told me that I had made her very happy. Still now its out there I suddenly feel vulnerable... and still wondering whether it would have been more impactful if had waited and chosen the romantic place. Thoughts???

Thanks for your comments... Well maybe we did move in together too soon but its very difficult to go back now so I would appreciate as much helpful advice on making it work for us I guess its still possible to have quote, unquote 'dates' when you are living with someone and to keep the thrill and excitement going... of course equally the nitty gritty of lviing with someone can dampen the 'magic' of all that, especially finances.... I am in love with this girl (though I haven't told her yet), and we do 'click' in so may ways... She is a very quiet soul, very content in her own little world... of course I have always been used to extroverted, efferverscent, centre of attention types and so have always previously interpreted 'silence' with trouble. Patience I suppose... be me, don't expect too much nor demand it...

Glorie Well we were both victims of circumstance to be honest. My g/f had to leave her old appartment because of a nightmare landlord at very short notice right before she was due to spend several weeks (not weekends) working at a young persons camp. I initially offered a 'refuge' (so to speak) so she had somewhere to stay in the interim and allow her to find somewhere. Anyway we both really enjoyed the time together so I asked her to stay once her work was over but to feel under no pressure to either accept or give me a decision until it had all finished. In between we went on holiday together and both of us felt the holiday went far better than we expected, there was a lot of romance and wonderful experiences. Once that was behind us she said that she had thought the decision through and wanted to stay. Anyway I do feel like I want to tell her that I love her but she says very littel about how she feels and I have to interpret from her actions, the look in her eyes etc. She has warmed affectionally considerably over the past 2-3 weeks but it does feel like its a case of 2 steps forward and 1 back. I guess I should just back off a little, let her do her own thing and get used to the new situation rather than make any declarations about how I feel. It has all been a whirlwind romance which I am not sure can be stopped or artifically reversed without having a negative impact. I guess I feel I need some emotional reassurance from her before I make the big 3 word step... but equally feel making such a step might push things a little too far in a relationship that has proceeded at a break neck speed anyway. Thoughts/comments welcome

Ok some of you have followed my saga for the last ten weeks or more. So my new g/f agreed to move in and live with me despite it all being a little sudden. Anyway for a while I have had all sorts fo feelings floating around towards her and I am both a) old enough and b) have had enough experience to know that this 'whirl' of emotions is all part of the hormonal rush associated with new relationships where two people have both an obvious mental and physical attraction and compatability. Anyway about 10 days ago I decided to tell her that I was 'falling in love with her' (I put it like that). Her reply was that it would have been a shock if she wasn't moving in the same dirrection as well. Since then she was away for a week and returned all happy and smiley but seemingly no less cautious and cagey as before Last night she said that it still didn't feel like my place was her home yet and that she was still adjusting to living with me. (Not exactly the greatest compliment). I know my biggest problem is impatience. On the one hand I want to tell her I love her but think its too soon. On the other I don't want to say it because I'm not 100% certain or confident about her feelings towards me. I also want her to be less cagey about her emotions and more demonstrative. I 'hate' playing games but several guys I know suggest that I back off a little -- in the sense of being less open about how I feel towards her. Opnions please? Don't get me wrong -- this thing is going very well its just I'm used to women who are more open and touchy-feely. Advice please....

Thanks for the comments so far. I know its probably stupid to fall for someone who in all probablity is going to leave to do voluntary work in another country at some point in the next 6-12 months. Still you can't help feelings and I've decided I'd rather enjoy what might happen and the experiences we will share. In the meantime perhoas she will decide she doesn't want to go but I know that ultimately that is her decision and I cannot and should not try to force that issue, especially so early into the relationship. A related question is how much chasing should a guy do at the beginning? She did send me a really sweet SMS yesterday morning and evening, but again all communication yesterday (3 texts) was in response to messages from me rather than anything she initiated. I really want to call her and talk but a little part of me keeps saying 'Why the hell should I be the one who always calls etc etc' and I know that a lot of guys advise backing off -- let her miss you etc etc Still I hate playing stupid games like this The Doc

My thoughts on why she is cagey 1. She got out of a long term relationship in March and was not looking for another 'serious' one and then I came along and BOOM 2. She knows that I also came out of a long term relationship in April and have unresolved issues (belngings mostly) with my ex 3. Her past relationship prevented her from doing voluntary service overseas and she has her heart set on this and a relationship now threatens to complicate this again (she plans to go in 6 months to a year) 4. The whirlwind nature of this is freaking her out a bit 5. She is younger than me (8 years) and has less experience of love and long term relationships (she has only had one previous LTR) More thoughts?'

OK some thoughts/advice. Well my whirlwind new romance continues apace. Just over a week ago the new g/f told me that she had decided that she did want to move in with me on a permanent basis (she has been living with me for a few weeks as a stop-gap until she found a new apaprtment). This was a few weeks after I had initially asked her to consider it, during which I had left the issue alone and not subjected her to any pressure. Anyway we continue to have a whale of a time and she has warmed affectionally more and more. The way she looks at me, and smiles at me makes me certain that she is being cagey about her emotions.. but I however am falling in love. So whats the problem?? Well she is such a closed book. Whenever she is away she almost never initates any contact – calls, messages etc. She always replies if I send her a message and if I call she always tells me how pleased she is to hear from me. I'm very conscious of being perceived as 'needy', 'clingy', 'desperate' etc and deliberately avoid bombarding her with messages or calling her frequently. When I do contact her I try to always keep it light and funny, upbeat etc. But should I always be the one chasing? I'm fighting my natural instinct to be overly romantic but everything has happened in a blur. I know one of my weakest points is impatience… So what do people think – replies from the girls in particular.. thanks

question... How soon is 'too soon'... or are we wrong to put any kind of time frames on this kind of thing??

thanks Shy I know that I'm in the 'infatuation' stage of this relationship and that this is a response to all of the hormones and chemicals that mutual attraction floods the body with. I've also had plenty of long-term loving relationships before to know that there are lots of different types of love. I guess I'm frightened of being completley honest about my feelings - explicitly because her cautious 'warming' makes me a little concerned that these feelings will not be reciprocated. I know that she is worried I still harbour feelings for my ex, and that she is cautious as well because she will probably be leaving in 6-12 months time to take a 2 year work posting overseas. Of course it would have made sense not to fall for someone who will ultimately be leaving. Indeed it was never my intention to do this but as we know fate, love, whatever has a mind of its own.

Ok I met this girl just under two months ago and we started dating, although from the start the dating rule book went straight out the window. We both ahd recently come out of long-term relationships and so were both apprehensive about anything serious and agreed to keep it casual. Well then fate conspired against us and we began spending an incredible ammount of time together, This culminated in her having to move out of her appartment and me offering a temporary refuge in my place while she left town to do some work. By now the chemistry was beginning to sizzle and we both agreed that we would take the 'restraints' off and just let things happen, wherever that might lead us. I then (stupidly??) told her that I'd like her to move in with me but that she didn't have to make her mind up immediately. While thinking she would run for the proverbial hills, she didn't and a week or so later we went on holiday together for 10 days. It was wonderful we got on so well, in every way and suddenly I began to feel 'feelings' developing. OK I'm no stranger to all this and I know that the whirl of emotions in the initial stages of a relationship is more about infatuation, lust and mutual attraction rather than love but those feelings are incredibly powerful. The thing is the new g/f is very cagey with her feelings, and not too forward in coming forward witht hem. Whenever we have talked she has said she feels the same way about things and all the 'signs' suggest she is warming affectionally as well (especially on the holiday). The thing is I want her to fall head over heels and throw off any emotional inhibitions she may have (seems to have??). So basically I'm after advice. Im worried if I 'say' anything she will freak out, after all its all been something of a whirlwind so far. All the 'men's advice' forums seem to suggest actually backing off and being 'less available', however g/fs tell me that in these stages the guy should do the chasing and 'wooing' rather than start appearing manipulative and 'game playing'. She is away this week after we spent 3 weeks in almost exclusive company together. So a secondary question is how much contact should I be making be phone/text message. Torn between standing back and seeing what she says/does and contacting her when I want and coming over to desperate and needy. Advice from both the men and especially the women please?

intersting that the overwhelming number of posts on this subject have been from guys. Makes you wonder if the Gals are being quiet on purpose! LOL Come on Gals be honest -- nice guys or bad boys?