Firstly, I have been reading this forum for a few weeks now, and have found the information invaluable, my thanks to all.
Brief History
Married for 23 years, known each other 28 years.
Family moved abroad for extra challenge and new life.
Children (15 & 13) growing more independent.
Wife now finding herself (new job, new friends, new life).
She had developed and changed and I had not changed with her.
Feb 2004
Wife emotionally moved away. I was warned that she needed space and freedom to express herself. That's when the vicious downward spiral started. I became clingy, needy, insecure and controlling. I thought I could talk some "sense" into her, plead with her etc etc..
June 2004
First Bomb Shell – I was told she felt numb with regards her feeling towards me. She loved me but was not "in love" with me. Our relationship, in my eyes had got better throughout July and August. Wife confirmed things were back to normal. My insecurity required constant reassurances, and downward spiral started again.
August 2004 to April 2005
It has been a constant downward spiral, of wife moving emotionally away, my insecurity requiring confirmation of our love and relationship etc etc
April 2005
Second Bombshell, Wife wants to separate, inform the children and our friends. I obviously had at this stage no choice but to accept the situation. Financially this was just not viable and we agreed that I would prepare the attic room to move into. That same evening, Wife did not want me to move into the attic room, or tell the children, or inform our friends. Things were to remain as normal as possible.
What was going on? Was this a hormonal thing? How can she throw 23 years of marriage away? Why would she not consider counselling? What was this "I love you but am not in love with you" crap?
From my readings from this forum. I now understand that I have pushed and pushed my wife into a corner, so much so her emotions towards me have shut down, and the only way out was to drop the bombshell of a separation.
I realise now, that I am totally responsible for the situation I find myself in. If only I hadn't been so needy, controlling, manipulative, insecure.. etc. the drowning man syndrome.
So, I have detached, shrugging off her criticisms, started to "get a life", giving her space to breathe.
I have seen some very positive signs, she is defending me more, rather than criticising. Life is far more harmonious. She talks of future plans and holidays, all of which includes me.
So what is my problem? I feel that we are just living together as friends. How do I create the spark to ignite the passion? I cannot apply NC if we live together as friends. How can she realise what she will miss, if she has all the benefits and security of a marriage without giving the full commitment? I am so wound up, analysing everything she says and does. One morning I will get a "good morning dear" the next I get an "all right" as if I am a mate on a building site.
I am by nature very impatient. I realise that this mess has probably taken years to get to this point, but I want to turn this around as quickly as possible. Any tips and tricks would obviously be very much appreciated.