simulacra

Going as a date would mean you go together, pick her up, arrive together, spend time together, leave together. Going as friends would mean going together (maybe meeting up) and spending time with each other a little but spending more time with everyone there and maybe leaving together. But if you won't have many friends going, the friends thing might not be a good idea since you'll be left alone most likely. I think you should just ask that female friend to go and hang out with your ex and her friends too as a group thing. (I still dont' feel you should be giving your ex the ticket for free.)

It sounds like during the time that you perceived her to be getting closer to you, she was simultaneously testing the waters with that other guy. I wouldn't consider it two-timing, as she didn't commit anything to either of you at the time. It happens -- sometimes you're just faced with situations where there appears to be a number of potentials and you feel you like them equally or some aspects of each person -- until one day you just realize that you like one of them more. I think that's why she acted distant. It's her way of signalling to you that she's not interested anymore and kind of her way of trying not to hurt you by outright rejecting you. So now you know -- by way of her actions -- that she has chosen the other person for whatever reason that probably is unrelated to you (ie. nothing that you did or didn't do). Sometimes life sucks like that, sorry man.

Do you really want to go to the prom regardless? Is the prom something that you would want to experience regardless of who you go with? If so, and if you think the two of you can be mature about it the entire evening (no jealousy issues) then ask her to go as a date (not boyfriend-girlfriend, but just a date). If she doesn't want to do that then you could either ask that female friend to go as friends or sell the ticket to your ex and go solo. Or, if the prom is not that big of a deal for you, just ask your ex if she wants to buy both tickets off you. But definitely if she is treating you like crap you shouldn't pay for her ticket.

There doesn't seem to be too much communication in terms of her telling you what she is reacting to. She doesn't love you anymore, she says, but why? I think there is more to her explanation than just the fact that feelings have changed. You need to get her to open up to you and to openly discuss with her the problems in your relationship. You are senstive to some experiences (ie. your past, her past, the miscarriages) that might be affecting her right now but you are still unsure, and there may be other things involved that you are not picking up. Let her know that you want to work this out with her since you are her husband and married her wanting to spend a lifetime with her. That sort of commitment must not be taken lightly. You obviously love her and are sensitive to her needs so you need to reaffirm that to her. Maybe a mediator/counsellor might be needed in order for you to sort this out and to make her open up again but that would be the first step towards saving this marriage. I hope you can work things out with her.

You did a very selfless thing. Many people can feel like it is the noble thing to do, but not many will actually go through with it. I hope you let her know the reasons for backing down though so that there are no misunderstandings. And as you said, if she is happy with the other guy, then it will be a sign to you that they belong together. And if she comes back to you then you know the two of you were meant to be. I'm not sure what advice to give you for feeling better during this time, but I hope you stay true to your word -- there is nothing worse to lower her opinion of you during this time than for you to just be feeling lonely and going for rebound relationships and whatnot. This is not a light statement to make, so if you're true to your word, your actions should refelct that aslo.

Is this a guy-guy friendship, or a guy-girl friendship? Either way, if you're best friends, you should just be straight with him (no pun intended). If you're a guy, just tell him you're not interested in him, that you are well aware that he is straight and value your friendship as it is and wouldn't want to make him feel uncomfortable or jeopardize the friendship in any way. If you're a girl, just let him know that you're gay (if he doesn't already know that). Let him know you have no intentions of molesting him and fancy girls, not guys. It's that simple. I think gay friendships (between gay people or between a gay and a straight person) are great. My best friend is gay (I'm female, he's male). The key to making the friendship work is to have all those misconceptions/misunderstandings cleared out so that you guys can just be natural around each other so that you can share a lot more personal thoughts without feeling weird around the other person (ie. perceiving or having any sexual tension in the friendship),

I don't know why being humorous or "funny" is such a catch phrase these days. I personally don't believe that one should try to be funny just so they can be more comfortable in social situations or so that people will like them. Some are naturally witty and funny and some are not but I think that if you are around the right group of people, then you will have laughter and funny moments regardless of whether or not any of you are "funny." Just be yourself and just find people that you can be natural around. Everything else, you'll realize sooner or later, shouldn't be forced.

As long as you are being honest when you are talking to this guy online, you shouldn't worry too much about him thinking less of you or wanting to look elsewhere. Depending on your age, it may or may not be feasible or a good idea for the two of you to meet in real life. I do agree that it is different online than it is in person. Things could easily sway either way -- you may find you have like each other more or you may discover that you are not that compatible in person. If there are good reasons why the two of you are good in each other's life, I think you will find a way to make it work (with a little patience). Someone you can get along with who shares similar goals and cares deeply about you is hard to come by. I don't think you should give it up just like that because you feel that you want something physical (ie. someone physical to hold). The best thing to do is to bring this issue up with him and see what he thinks and then from his feelings, you should decide together what the best way of making this whole distance thing better for both of you.

You sound like a very level-headed person, understanding, patient person. Everything about your post exudes those qualities about you and how you are in your marriage and in your life. As I could not gleam too much about your husband's attitudes and personality from the things you've said, I can only comment based the way you are portraying the marriage. So this might be a bit skewed, I don't know. From the way you described it, I get the impression that your marriage is good -- generally. You two seem to have a good foundation and have been (up till now) willing to be understanding of each other's shortcomings and willing to work out any problems and misunderstandings in the relationship. Relationships require constant effort and mutual sharing. You seem to be putting in your fair share of effort into making things better. The thing that I see being problematic is his inablity to express his anger constructively. You say that you don't have explicit verbal arguments but that he gets mad at himself and just has mean comments sometimes. Sometimes those pent up feelings are worse than having open discussions/arguments. Because you don't really know what he's angry at, things never really get resolved but keep resurfacing and snowballing with other issues even. As I said, I think the two of you have a good foundation and four years of marriage is an accomplishment these days. You say you are a writer, so I'm sure you are able to pick up nuances in your husband's behaviour and probably have some sort of insight into his inner emotions and psychology. I think you should try to encourage him to be more expressive of himself (ie. be as bluntly as he can) even if it involves saying how he hates how you did something or something negative about your relatinship because it just seems like now you don't really know exactly what is bothering him at times. If he can tell you concretely what the problem is, you can begin to work through them at least. Let him know that it's not a big deal if he gets angry, but it is a big deal that he's not communicating to you what he's upset about. Who knows, most of the time it might not even be about/because of you (and that's why he doesn't think he needs to tell you exactly what he's mad at) but then it ends up affecting you anyway. So just try to let him know that it hurts you to see that he can't express things to you when he's upset and that you perceive that as him being uncaring toward you. Maybe if he realizes how much and why his anger management is affecting you, he'll realize his neglect and shortcoming.

Maybe your boyfriend is afraid of ending up in a relationship like what his parents have. It's not so much the fear of commitment as the fear that you will be unhappy some point down the line. Maybe boredom is a better word for it. I think in his own way, he doesn't want to tie you down. Maybe a guy's position on this matter is a bit different. He'd rather be happy with you than create a false status for the world (ie. to be a married couple and have relationship issues). And maybe he is the traditional type to want to stick to his word (ie. stay true to his marriage commitment despite marital problems) and is afraid that both of you will be unhappy somehow and not be able to get out of the situation.

If you really like this girl (like feeling like you would do almost anything for her), then you should let her set the pace of things. Let her know that you are open to anything and that she is special to you and that you understand her fear. Let her know that you would like to commit yourself to her in an exclusive relationship (I'm assuming that's what you want) and that you will let her decide how serious she wants to go and to go slowly. It may just be hanging out as friends or in the company of others at the beginning. Then when she's ready, let her tell you when she's comfortable with going out on dates with you, as a couple but not commited boyfriend-girlfriend yet. And when she's comfortable with that, then she can tell you when she wants it to be a real relationship. At the same time however, if you make it clear to her that you are commited to her, then you should honour your word -- that is, not see other girls even though the two of you are not exclusive yet. I think that will show a lot to her about your seriousness in wanting to pursue something with her. Also make sure you communicate to her your feelings as you get to know her and tell her to be honest with you about her feelings as time passes and just take things gradually. Good luck

Have you met the girl that you are talking to online? If she is in your area, why don't you suggest meeting her in person? The internet is an easy way to meet new people, but there are limits to what can be shared between two people online. The communication and human interaction is incomplete. Things can be very different when you are with someone in person. Sometimes net relationships don't work out when the people finally meet in person. Sometimes the relationship is taken to another level in person. It's not just the physical I'm talking about. There is so much that can be conveyed in person (through gestures, facial expressions, body language, etc) that can't be expressed through text messaging. You may find out that you two have a lot more in common in person and that you will have lots more to talk about and do together. As for meeting Chinese girls, it depends on where you live. If you live in a city where there aren't that many Taiwanese/Mandarin girls it might be hard for you to meet someone. If you can read/write Chinese, you can use Chinese on Icq and maybe meet some people there. I also heard about this Taiwanese online simulation game (I don't know what it is called) but it's basically a reality-based game where you meet people and have relationships online and stuff. Maybe you've heard of it. But what you might also want to do is to make some close friends from school. Firstly, that will make you feel not so lonely. You can go out with them on the weekends (play sports, go to the mall, eat, whatever). Also, they might introduce you to some of their friends so you have more chances of meeting girls that way. As a teenager, you are already feeling lost but you have to adjust to being in a new environment too. I think you are still adjusting to a new life in a new culture and maybe you just need to feel like you belong somehow. Try to see if there are cultural centres or community centres in your area or maybe you have an special interest that you can get involved in... just so you can be around more people and doing things that you enjoy. I hope you stop feeling so sad and helpless.

You sound like a very level-headed guy and I think your actions are very appropriate (not overreacting). You know that she is not someone you can respect or value as you once did and you're just making that clear to her in a mature manner. I don't see any coldness or inconsideration on your part. She hurt you and it is only natural that you protect yourself and put your energies to other things and other people in your life that are worth your time.

That was very well put.

I can't relate to you on the part about needing to get high to have fun or to be relaxed around people, but I can definitely relate to you on the level of not wanting to socialize that much with people that I am not totally comfortable with. Right now the only person I feel a strong gravitation toward is my boyfriend. He is the only one I want to be with any time and all the time. I've also reached a certain comfort level with the people in my class (we're in the same program and see each other every day) and occasional group outings (school related or not) are okay. But as for wanting to hang out with them like how I used to hang out with my elementary and high school friends, there is no compulsion to do so. And I don't feel guilty about it at all. (I guess the difference between you and I is that I was never much into crowds, always kept to a close few.) I just realize that the only one I want to give my time to these days is my schoolwork and my boyfriend. I can still remain on good terms with people but it has a lot to do with the sense of obligation. A couple years back, I went though a sort of realization and maybe it's what you're going through now. I just felt this immense pressure and obligation to get together with my high school friends every once in a while because they would always like to get together at Christmas or for someone's birthday. Mind you, these only took place maybe less than five times a year, but still, I felt this strange obligation to go even though I wasn't feeling so myself anymore when I was hanging out with them. Eventually what happened was I just told them that I just didn't feel like I belonged in the group anymore and was just honest with them. That act in itself lifted all the pressure that had been built up within myself. As a result, the people that I have chosen to befriend and to hang out with I feel no obligation toward. I spend time with them because I want to, not because I feel obligated. Now I feel no obligation to these new people (in my class). But that doesn't mean I don't treat them with respect and sincerely. I do consider them as my friends and I would hang out with them once in a while, if the venue is right. I just won't feel obligated to spend time with them if I don't feel like doing what they're doing or if I'm just not up for it for whatever reason. Hope this gave you some insight into your own situation.

Sounds like a case of incompatibility. When couples break up for apparently no reason and the love is still there, it is usually because something is not working in the relationship otherwise why would either of you want to go your separate ways? You can realize that you love (or maybe even be in love with) a person and still be realistic enough to know that you guys aren't meant to be because of compatibility issues or because of circumstances (ie. mistakes, choices). The only way to feel okay with it is by reassuring yourself that you will find someone again who you do really get along with and love wholeheartedly. There is no use staying in a relationship that you know is going to end up going nowhere because the two of you just don't suit one another for whatever reason. If there are no hostilities between the two of you this may be an opportunity to see that she can be a really close companion, someone who can be your friend through all the good things and bad, but not someone who you can share your intimate moments with. Just my thoughts.

When you say "benefit type thing," do you mean like a sexual thing? From not knowing the circumstances of your situation, my instinct is that this is not something that sounds very healthy for you. The reason being, you sound like you really like this person a lot. He means more to you than just a friend, and by that token, he certainly means more to you than someone you just sleep around with. I have nothing against a purely sexual arrangement between two people as long as they both understand the parameters, and in your case you would be consenting, but you don't really sound like you are sure about this. It sounds to me like you just really like this guy and would do almost anything to be wtih him. You sound like you like him enough to want an intimate relationship with him, but I don't think you are really aware of the emotional implications of going for such an arrangement with this guy. I guess an easy way to answer this question for yourself is to ask yourself if you can have a sexual relationship with this guy and not be emotionally vulnerable (ie. not get yourself hurt). If you feel like you can do this with this guy without any emotional attachment, then my reaction would be for you to question whether or not you really have true feelings for this guy as you say you have. Personally, if I really like someone and they offered me only something physical, I would almost take offence to that and know that this is not someone I can truly love. If your meaning of "benefit type thing" is not related to sex but something closer to a best friend situation, then you would need to ask yourself if you can handle that (ie. if you can handle being very close to him but not be able to be intimate with him). A lot of people can't deal with that and it would be best to just not be around the person at all. But for me personally, I always take the view that a person that I take an interest in, regardless of how far they want to take the friendship/relationship, is the same person. If I like someone for their kindness, their personality, etc. etc. then I would want to know them and have them in my life to whatever degree they feel most comfortable. Hope my input has helped you a bit.

I think if you are nervous about it, you should just start by a simple kiss on the cheek or on the lips (no tongue). That way, both of you will be able to get a feel of how it is to kiss each other before you move on to any tongue action. Take it easy

Maybe if you're in that promiscuous mindframe, you don't really want to be in a monogamous relationship. I suppose it is not that big a deal (you don't have to be monogamous) but if you know that is the case, you should make that apparent to your partner. Open relationships are possible and do exist, but they have to be agreed upon by everyone involved. If your partner expects that the relationship be an exclusive one, then they deserve at least that much. I personally believe that cheating is an act of betrayal and cannot be mended. However, if your partner has forgiven you in the past, then hopefully there really is something substantial in your relationship that is worthy of his patience. I think you should only try to mend things again and ask for his forgiveness this time around if you can honestly and confidently promise him and yourself that you will remain faithful to him in the future. If you know somehow that will always have that streak in you to stray, I hope you can be considerate of him (someone you love) enough to not put him through that pain and betrayal again.

Maybe it would lessen your pressure (to just obtain a girlfriend) if you approach your situation from the perspective of wanting to get to know people better in general. Try to get out more, get involved in community events, perhaps becoming closer friends with co-workers. Online forums such as this one are also another good way to get to know people better. Begin by getting to know people on a one-to-one level. That will allow you to decide which people you are attracted to (ie. qualities, personalities, etc). Don't approach the situation in desperation but with the point of view that you have a lot to offer and are open to sharing yourself with another (first on a friendly level, then maybe on a romantic level later). If you are approaching the situation like you "need" someone in your life or that there might be something wrong with you because you're alone, you won't be in the right frame of mind to be entering a relationship. So try to be optimistic and open-minded about not being in a relationship right now. It makes a world of difference to be confident about yourself and your current status which are evident to those around you.

Being fifteen and feeling alone and like you'll never be loved is pretty common, I think. That period was a difficult transition for me too. You're just beginning to realize who you are yourself, don't expect it to be an easy process for others to see you for who you really are as well. Not having a girlfriend at this point in your life may seem like a dire situation for you right now, but it is not very likely that people find the love of their lives at such an age anyway. Yes, you may have a special companion with whom you can share yourself with (feelings, thoughts, activities, etc) but you can do that with a close friend as well (non-intimate relationship). Oftentimes the things that elude us seem so much greater than what they really are. We often desire what we do not have. But you should realize that it may be in your best interest to wait for things to happen naturally -- that is, when you are meant to experience them -- because relationships, although great learning experiences, can be very trying as well. And maybe you don't need that right now. Why get yourself in situations where you could get hurt? It is bound to happen if you start relationships for the wrong reasons (ie. out of loneliness and whatnot). I think you shouldn't worry about people not noticing you and feeling lonely. When the right time comes, there will be people who can appreciate you and that will be the right time to think about wanting to share yourself with that person.

I'm sure you realize that you should concentrate on the present and future in your relationship, but it sounds to me like you need to reveal everything to your boyfriend before you can do that. Being able to reveal your whole past and have him accept it completely is a step towards establishing something deeper in your relationship. This is an issue that is important to you and is consequently why you want your boyfriend to know everything. His reluctance to allow you to open up to him makes you feel like he is somehow downplaying an integral aspect of who you are. I sympathize with your situation. On one hand, you are somewhat hurting because you feel like your relationship/connection is incomplete because he doesn't know you completely. On the other hand, you realize that you will be putting him in pain if you press this issue further. If there is one consolation I can offer you is that I see you placing great value on your relationship and you care the future the two of you have immensely. He is someone you can be yourself around, someone you are unafraid to be fully vulnerable to, someone whom you want to be able to accept you completely regardless of what may have happened in your past. In wanting him to know your past (to share your pain with him), you are in effect giving him a very unique place in your life... a place that no other has had up to this point... and his discomfort with wanting you to reveal your past fully is scary because it feels a little like rejection. It feels as if he can only accept you up to a certain point when you just really want him to accept you completely... the good, bad, and ugly. You aslo see aspects of your relationship (ie. mutual understanding, communication, etc) that may be negatively affected because of how much he knows about your past now. As you said, if he were to know everything he would understand some of your actions better. That is an aspect that you need to consider on your own. Perhaps there are other ways you can foster better understanding between the two of you without putting him in pain as well. (I'm sorry my postings rarely offer any real advice. I just rather offer my understanding on the matter in hopes of giving you a clearer/alternate perspective of the things you may or may not already realize.)

I also think that the first question you need to ask yourself is if you really like this guy. Basically you are deciding between your friend or the guy. If you value the guy more then yeah, go for it. But if you value your friendship more, then back off and not feel a grudge toward your girlfriend if she still wants to go for him.

I think if you are still having thoughts of dying, you are probably still depressed. Although your life may seem better than it was two years ago, there may still be some serious issues which you are not fully comfortable with in your life. Medication is one way of treating depression, but are you continually seeking counselling? I think for a person who's been depressed for so long, it takes a long time to regain true confidence and self-esteem. Even if your life seems to be going well, seeing a psychologist from time to time (or on some regular basis) is still helpful even if it is to affirm that things are going the way you want in your life.

I have a very skewedl stance on the subject of taking time off from a relationship (whether you are in a long distance relationship or not), so you may not agree with what I have to say. Let me just say here that I am in a long distance relationship myself, so I have an idea of some of the feelings you are experiencing. Taking time off in a relationship, to me, is not ideal. I'm sure you've heard stories of how people breaking up and getting back together, sometimes even spending years apart and realizing that they truly love one another in the end... and live happily ever after. That's fine. Whatever works for you is good. I am not going to stand in anyone's way when it comes to being with the person they love. My own personal feeling on the matter, however, is that once a couple has decided explicitly to split (for whatever reason), they've decided that the present situation is too much for them to handle together as a couple. They have chosen to forego the relationship at that point. Even though you and your girlfriend may decide that you won't see anyone in the meantime and that you'll wait for each other until a specified time when you can be in the same city to continue your relationship, the time that you will spend apart (ie. not contact or just being "friends") will change the dynamic in the relationship. It is as if you're saying the long distance relationship is too much for both of you to handle together, that your love is not strong enough to pull you through this difficult stretch. There is one thing I would like you to ponder. In foregoing your relationship until you can be together in a normal relationship situation, both of you are making the other person secondary (as opposed to primary if you remained together). That simple decision in itself, to me, reduces what you value in the relationship and in the other person. I think instead of trying to lessen your burdens and feelings of loneliness by making the situation simple (ie. breaking up for now), you should look within your relationship to find strength. That should be the real tester of your love.