simulacra

With great things come great risks. I think it is inevitable that you learn from your past experiences in love as in all other areas of life. You learn to see yourself as a person in relation to others around you. You learn about the strengths, shortcomings, foolishness, and beauty in the way humanity works. Sometimes it feels like loving someone makes you weak and vulnerable (ie. the possiblity of dependancy or getting hurt) but if the love is true, it is actually something that strenghens the both of you. To be able to feel free to be yourself -- good, bad, and ugly -- with another is one of the greatest things to come out of a relationship with someone you love. It not only strengthens your bond, it strenghens both of you as individuals. The feeling of wanting to rely on that one person for everything in your life is not a weakening dependancy but a declaration of choice -- that he/she is the one you want to be part of your life in an exclusive way. If you don't allow yourself to take that leap of faith with someone and give them your whole heart, you will never know what true love can be like. And coincidentally, if you feel that someone is not worth your 100%, then you know he/she is not the one.

I don't think I am in the position to give you any marriage/relationship advice, but there is one thing that is on my mind. Put your children 's well-being and happiness before your own. Perhaps this is what your husband is doing despite his changed feelings. As you said, he is a good father, so he must have some sound sense of family at least. Ask yourself if raising your children together with this man is the best environment for your children. Do you and your husband have loud, drawnout arguments or are the disputes passive ones? Speaking from personal experience, children can sense the tension between the parents too regardless of whether or not there are explicit arguments. If the family unit is not functioning properly (ie. to foster the happiness of the children) then the children will be affected. It is not necessarily better or worse for children to be raised in single-parent families, but if they can sense something lacking in the home (ie. hositities, infidelity, lack of love, etc), then they will be bearing an unnecessary burden. You need to assess this carefully, and perhaps with your husband, to decide what is best for your children. Sometimes couples think that they will stay married for the sake of the children, but what they don't realize is that they are causing more stress by being in a dead marriage.

It's all speculation at this point since she's not telling you concrete reasons for her decision. The "girl" reasons could be a lot of things. Maybe her girlfriends don't like you or don't think you're good enough for her and that's having an impact on how she sees your relationship. Maybe she's developed feelings for someone else and doesn't want to hurt you by cheating or doesn't know how to tell you the truth. Maybe she has some personal problems, health issues, family problems, that she feels she can't discuss with you. Maybe she's just having a really hard time personally (ie. depressed or stressed out) and needs to be alone for a while. It could be anything. If you want to know for sure, you need to just ask her and hope she respects you enough to tell you the truth at least.

I agree with newborn. If you love her in that way, you will realize one day out of the blue that she is beautiful on the outside as well as on the inside. That should be the point when you can approach her to take the friendship further. I personally believe in mere exposure effect. Someone that I find to be okay or not so good looking at first can grow into someone whom I find the most exquisite beauty in through time. That happens through fostering the other aspects of a relationship. And that's what you are doing right now, so if it is right, the feelings will come naturally to you. You will love her completely. If there is any doubt or question in your mind (ie. if something is incomplete in the way that you want to love someone), then you should just be honest to yourself and to her that she doesn't fulfill all your requirements for a romantic relationship.

Maybe it's something to do with your personality or they way you portray yourself? Some people who act like they are bigshots don't realize it... especially at 14. Or maybe you have a geeky image? At your age, anything deviating from the norm can be disasterous. Maybe you're just too different from the mainstream? That's not to say, however, that you should change yourself to fit into the crowd. Just assess who you are and who you really want to be. Maybe you do see necessary changes. Maybe not. Bottom line, just be the best of who you can be and things will come to you in time. What can you really do (responsibly) at 14 anyway?

I think I understand where you're coming from. It's really hard, when you're a shy person, to tell someone you like her. The letter/note giving approach is a small step forward. It is the best you can do at this point. So you should take things slowly and grow at your own pace. I used to be like you somewhat. It's (relatively) easier to give her a letter than to ask her straight out in person. You can anticipate the rejection, but you won't face it in front of her (or other people). It's a good start. I hope you use this opportunity to learn something about how people interact and how relationships are between two people. Learn about how you act in these sorts of situations and how she reacts. Don't take anything at face value. As nerve-racking as it is to reveal your feelings to someone (and possibly be rejected), it can be quite difficult and uncomfortable to have to reject and let someone down too. Sometimes in these situations, there is no clearcut goodguy-badguy even though it may be easier on you to label the other as the dishonourable one. Just learn from whatever happens. I guarantee you if your line of communication with this girl opens as a result of you telling her how you feel (in letter or in person, regardless of if she returns your feelings or not), then the next time it comes for you to approach another girl, it will be a little easier. It keeps getting easier the more you realize that being rejected is not the end of the world. Sometimes the other person just doesn't see anything in you, and that's fine. It doesn't reduce who you are to be rejected. It just means there's someone else out there who's more compatible with you. (Really, if this girl is not the one, there is someone out there for you.) You just need to have confidence in yourself. You have a lot of good qualities, and one day there will be someone who will be able to appreciate you as much as you can appreciate her. All the best to you.

The only way to get over the guilt is to know that she has forgiven (regardless of if she knows what you've done or not). So you have to talk to her. You have to be the one to come clean to her and ask for her forgiveness. If you leave things as they are now (without putting everything out in the open) you'll only end up feeling worse. You'll probably even start feeling guilty for the fact that she doesn't know how you've done her wrong. Just my opinion.

This is just an obvious question, but she does know who you are, right? You did make it clear to her over the phone (descriptions, whatnot) who you are, yes? Something you can try is to ask her over the phone, in a jokingly manner, is whether or not she sees you at school. It'll be an indirect way of confronting her with the fact that she doesn't seem to want to talk to you when she's around other people. Or you can just ask her to have lunch with you one day. It's not really a date, but just a time when you can hang out with her.

Maybe she has a boyfriend or has some other reason (other than not digging you) for not being able to hang out with you. If it is the first case, then she's just trying to be nice to you. She doesn't want to come right out and reject you because she doesn't want to hurt you. If it is the second case, then you should get to know her better and find out more about her before you try to develop anything romantic with her. If you do this, she will see you as a really caring and sensitive guy and will notice you in ways that she might not have before.

Here are some of my suggestions: -Try to take note of the things you argue about, or the style of your arguments. Sometimes the root of disagreements may lie in the issues, but may also be in the difference in communication styles and the fact that nothing is getting resolved or shared when you communicate. -Try taking a vacation away from one another for a week or two (without any communication). Maybe both of you can keep a journal if you want so the other can read about your week apart later. This time apart may be very telling. Make sure you discuss your feelings afterwards (ie. how you felt when you were apart). It may tell you a lot about your relationship and the direction that it may be headed. -Maybe you can take a vacation away together. It may be that both of you are just overly stressed and going through the motions of the everyday mundane is taking its toll. Going on a getaway will relieve some of that built up tension and maybe your communication will open up too. -If a vacation is not viable (for whatever reasons) make sure you set aside one or two days/evenings a week where the two of you can just be romantic and go on a "date." Again, it's just a breather from the mundane and everyday stresses. The reasoning behind this suggestion is not so you can forget about your problems but that the two of you can have a night out on the town and enjoy one another so that when it comes time to talk about real issues, you are on good terms and will be more understanding of the other's perspective rather than being defensive that the other may not understand your difficulties/stresses. That's all for now.

She's just been broken up. I think she knows that it is a vulnerable time for her. She doens't want to make you the rebound guy because she knows how often that can happen. The other thing is that she may not really know herself if she likes you yet. It may be too early. She still has feelings left over from the last relationship and probably does feel like she needs or wants someone around, but doesn't want to get into a serious relationship so soon yet (because of the potenial hurt). When she says that you may not like her more when you get to know her for real, she is probably making a generalization that she seems to see happen to her. She's afraid of not being loved completely and thus will be apprehensive to share everything that she is (faults and everything) with you. Just take it slowly with her for now. Remember she is still healing, but you can be there as a good friend for now and let her tell you when she is ready to see you as more than that.

I hope your reasoniings are right. And I hope that when you ask her to marry you, she will. The two of you seem to have gone through a lot, both on your own and with each other. But the reply that she had for you have nothing to forgive you for nor your forgiveness do i deserve, dont torment yourself, I have been disgracefull" is a bit irksome. It almsot sounds like she did something (to you) that was dishonourable. WHile you were away pehaps? That's just the instinct I got when I read that.

I think nicknames should come naturally. They usually come about when you've shared a moment with your partner (usually humorous) and you use the nickname to remind you of that moment or inside joke throughout the relationship. They can also be weird/odd sounds or misprounciations of words that the two of you like or joke around with. Just allow it to take shape, don't force it.

It's a personal matter for me. I only go for guys who are taller (even if it's by one inch) because it's just instinctively right. There is the element of security that I want to be able to feel when I'm with my guy. I need lots of hugs and smothering so someone who is bigger than I am is most ideal for that feeling of intimacy. But that's just me.

I think a person can change in such a short time. It is not a defence mechanism, it is an intelligent woman learning from her past experience and being strong. You filed for divorce one month into your marriage. That in itself (without knowing anything about your relationship) makes me question whether or not you have a sound idea of what a marriage means. I think her lack of trust for you stems not only from the fear of you walking out on her again, but that she sees you differently now because of what you've done. To her, you are a changed person (or perhaps she's realizing that she never really understood you in the first place). It is difficult to reassure her at this point about anything. Everything is up to her now. The change of mind, if it happens, will not be because of any gestures that you do to atone for your regret, but will come about as a result of her resolving the issue within her mind and taking a leap of faith to give you another chance. It is quite possible the new guy may not just be a rebound. As I said above, she has probably learned a lot from what you did to her. As a result the way she sees people (ie. men) and relationships is significantly changed. She will make it a point to never be hurt like that again. It is a growing process and she will become a better person because of it.

Just ask him to study together (if you guys have a class together). That way you can ask for his number/email so you can organize a study time etc.

Hmmm... in that case, I would want to see him again, but not as if nothing happened. I would want to talk to him and ask him what happened and hear his explanation. He can't just treat you like that and make it seem like nothing happened to warrant the change/abandonment. Before things can be back the way they were you need to know what the issues were.

Am I misunderstanding something? Why would you want to go out with someone who just called you a dork? Doesn't that kind of treatment already tell you something about him?? I understand your hurt, but he's just messing with you and my objective opinion is to dump him before you get played again.

Hmm... I can kind of relate to you on feeling that things are over when they are not officially over yet. It's like you just need her to tell you in person that things won't work out but you feel a little dead inside already. I had that feeling for a month before I got real confirmation. I wanted to stay optimistic but I was reading all the signs of his decision long before he made them official. It's a wise decision to keep the other aspects of your own life in perspective. Moping is an instinctual reaciton, but when you begin to react by keeping busy, you are in a sense reiterating to yourself that you are a competent person without her -- not that you would prefer to be without her, but that you can still be a complete person and not a wreck without her. That part is very important to your own self-esteem.

I don't know if I will contribute anything here that you are not already aware of, but I will relate to you a bit of my experience anyway. The end of my relationship with my ex was triggered by a death. Although I didn't have a direct connection with the death, it was what triggered a period of serious introspection (about his own life which I was only one part of) and ultimately led to him realizing that he wanted to be alone. I should probably insert here that he had always had bouts of wanting to be alone even before he met me and that this traumatic event made him put everything in perspective again. (I don't know if your girlfriend is that loner type or not.) Back to what I was saying -- a death that has a profound impact on a person will inevitably cause them to think about their life and ask a lot of unpleasant questions. It can be a wakeup call sometimes. It's a point in time that is irreversable and the people left to grieve are always left wishing they had somehow been able to affect the outcome had things been a little different. (That is where the guilt comes in.) But even without the guilt factor, one is bound to reflect on life choices and the paths that they are leading. It is also a time when people can be extra critical with themselves and other aspects of their lives. There was no real issue in my relationship at the time of the breakup -- it was still in the honeymoon period pretty much. The realizations my ex had were all a result of forecasting into the future, asking himself whether he wants to be with himself or whether he wants to be with someone in the journey of his life. In the end he chose to be alone. As for behavioural changes at the time, he did want to be alone a lot. He needed time alone to reflect on all the memories and to reflect on his whole life. He went back home (out of the country) for a month to mourn. I should also add here that the death exacerbated his loneliness in this world not just by feeling a sense of loss but because no one really understood their relationship and the death hit him the hardest. It's been about two years now since the death and he's still alone. He tells me that he is slowly accepting it better but that it will never be something that he is comfortable with. If your girlfriend chooses to end the relationship with you at this point, it will be a very thought out decision. If you are affirming to her that you are here for her and that you will always be here for her, and she still comes out with that decision to be without you, then you know it was a very difficult decision for her but that she had sound reasons behind it. I don't know enough about your relationship or your girlfriend to comment on what kind of things she will be thinking of exactly, but I don't think people just break down at a time of death for no reason. There are a lot of factors and circumstances that affect one another. The best you can do now is to comfort her as best you can and support her healing process and give her lots of time. I hope she sees that you want to be there for good and that you are one of the only people who can help her through something like this.

I would keep quiet. This is your ex and your friend's ex now. If they've decided to form a relationship then that is their business and however they choose to be in that relationship with one another is also their business. If they end up being happy together then good for them. And if they end up being unhappy together, then that is their doing as well. That's how it should be.

Very sexy suggestions, Petite Love. Here's my $0.02: Surprise iand sponteneity are always good. If you're ever really turned on for whatever reason and he doesn't expect it, just jump him and take control. Instigate sex, and maybe even be rough about it (if you think your guy won't have a problem with feeling less manly because of your aggression). Some guys really like it when their woman takes control in bed. This also goes along with talking dirty too. It's really arousing for a guy to know that a girl really really wants him (and wants him right then and there). It's like the reversal of roles, which can play on other sexual fantasies he might have. Also, you don't always have to show him sexy stuff to get him interested. I find that subtlety and hidden sexiness can be quite powerful too. For example, you can be looking totally normal (jeans, sweater, whatever) and just in a public place... but whisper to him that you're not wearing underwear or that you've shaved especially for him... and that if he's a good boy, you'll let him have a peek later. Peeking someone's sexual interest is all about the inuendos and anticipation. The more visuals that are built up, the more his desire for you will be. So work slowly. Start with sublte verbal suggestions and slowly work your way up to visual suggestions. And if you want to entice him physically to get him interested, just try little kisses but using your tongue -- like on his cheeks or his fingers or his ears.

Your story is very touching. I can't imagine the magnitude of your pain -- I've never been with anyone that long. But any breakup where you love the person and perceive no problems in the relationship must be devastating to have to accept. That situation I've been through. You should try to talk to her if you can. Having no concrete reason usually means there are real reasons, pretty serious ones, as a matter of fact. Even if it is her realizing that she is bored with you after all this time, that is a serious issue in the relationship. Try to see if it is just a misunderstanding or misperception on her part. Maybe she overheard something about you or found out or realized something while you were apart that made her reevaluate your whole relationship. Accepting the breakup is already a difficult thing to do. You should at least be given a real reason.

The past is in the past. You need to be able to accept that if you want your relationship to work out. The issue about her lying to you and pretty much cheating on you when you first started going out would be a bigger issue for me personally. That decision on her part says that she doesn't respect you enough to be true to you. I hope you get that part of your relationship resolved before you decide to move further with her.

I don't think there's a real right or wrong expectation in a relationship. It's whatever you feel you want from your partner. Some people need and want more from the other person. If your boyfriend doesn't seem to be meeting your needs and expectations, then you should be considering the role this person has in your life. If you see your boyfriend as someone you would like to spend the rest of your life with, then these things you are pointing out are important issues. If you see relationships as just something that will last for a little while and you'll eventually want to move on, then these might be reasons for you to be moving on. The things that you described about your boyfriend seem a bit inconsistent. His planning things and not including you seems a bit distant of him when viewed in contrast to his Valentine's Day affair. Personally, I think the Vday thing would have been fine for me. Maybe it wasn't so much what he did or didn't do (or what he does or doesn't do in particular occasions) but what you feel as a result. Maybe you don't really feel that connected to him overall? Maybe you perceive things differently than what his actions are trying to say to you. The only way you can find out for real is to ask him directly. It might turn out that the two of you are progressing at different paces in the relationship. Six months may be enough to warrant a key to your appartment, but maybe he has personal reservations or issues with that. If in doubt, just ask.