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simulacra

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  1. simulacra
    Care to share your breakup stories, suggestions, and opinions, good or bad? As with many other things in life, there are good and bad ways of handling situations. This applies to whether you are the person doing the breaking up , the one on the receiving end, or even in a mutual decision. I just wanted to hear what people had to say on this topic... as experiences are always good to learn from....
  2. simulacra
    Comment noted about her loving those guys too. (I didn't catch that when I read it) I still think that people's criteria for love are not the same. When you love someone (in a marriage or otherwise) it doesn't always necessarily mean you love them over your own needs or your own self. IF that were the case, we would all be telling battered spouses to stay in abusive relationships, wouldn't we? Anyhow, when you love someone, you also must think for yourself. And in this case, she is probably only thinking for her own self good. So while she may be cheating and treating her husband with disrespect in doing so, she can still feel that she loves him and is attached/attracted to him emotionally. If you are saying she doesn't really love her husband (because she's cheating on him, or treating him badly) then by that same argument, she also doens't love those two guys because she's disrespecting them too. It's kind of a circular argument, really.
  3. simulacra
    I agree there is probably some sense of dependency/security there, and probably a lot of other things in the relationship besides love that is keeping her. Those elements of their relationship may also contribute to her feelings of love. So that's why I say you can't really judge how or why somoene feels love. I don't think she says she loves those other guys (they love her, they claim).
  4. simulacra
    Firstly, I think it is possible for you to feel that you love your husband. Who is to judge, really, on what love means to a person. We all love someone in our own ways and by our own standards. I think everyone is reacting strongly to your post because you are married, and marriage, for the most part, is a chosen committment. It is not as if you were forced into it (ie. arranged marriage), so it was a choice on your part. And because it was your choice (and his) you should see that you have made a committment of monogamy to him and uphold that committment. That being said, if you weren't married and sleeping around, I think the opinions of people regarding your situation may be a bit more forgiving. My view?: regardless of how much you love your husband and how much he means to you, you are not ready to be his wife. You are not ready to be in a committed relationship such as that of a marriage. It's not only because you are too young to be married (which you may or may not be the case; that is yet another opinion), but your whole outlook and sense of responsibilty. You are still in the mindframe of taking care of your own needs first and foremost. That is the mindframe of a person who is single and wants to experience all they can in life. That mindframe is fine - just not when you are in a marriage. You should strongly consider being honest to your husband about everything: your actions, your feelings, your needs. You should get counselling if you want to change for the better or make a real adult decision to let him go because you cannot be what he should have of you in this marriage.
  5. simulacra
    First off, I think it's really great that you can have that comfort level in your current relationship to be open with each other about those sorts of things. Your boyfriend sounds very understanding, mature, and confident of his love for you and of himself. I think he does understand your feelings of curiosity and that's why he says it''s okay. It's human nature to be interested in lots of different things (and people, for that matter). The dilemma, however, still remains. You love your boyfriend and you want to spend your life with him, but at the back of your mind, what if this new guy is great and you are meant to spend your life with him instead? The feeling of possible regret is that if you don't pursue something, you will never know. My view on this situation is to look from within your current relationship. Are there existing problems that are serious enough to warrant a breakup or do you forsee possible issues in your future together? Are there any doubts you have about the relationship working out? If you do have doubts , then that's an indication that there is something within this relationship that needs to be worked on or sorted out. It could also be an indication that the new attraction is/isn't worth pursuing. If you find that you are completely happy about your current relationship and the prospects of it continuing into the future, then you should somehow find a way of forgetting the new guy. I personally don't believe in relationship breaks and open relationships. I think if you're in a situation where you want to experiement, you should just be mature enough to let the other person go (if not for yourself, then definitely for the other person's sake). And whether or not the experiements turn out or not, you should just move on. You made the decision to move on, so you should let them move on too. One other thing you might want to do for deciding how to move forward is this: is there a possiblity of becoming friends with the new guy? Maybe involve other friends or even your boyfriend (if you can all agree to it). Sometimes when we don't know someone that well, we tend to fill in the gaps (good or bad). In this case, you may be filling those unknowns with a lot of positive fantasies and thereforeeee making him more attractive in your eyes. When you get to know him better as a friend, you may find that he is not all that you imagined him to be...
  6. simulacra
    I think when there are things that you can't accept about your partner (ie. his/her choice of friends, or some bad habits, etc), and you want them to change for the better (in your opinion), it is not necessarily because you want to be controlling or change them into the mold that you think is "perfect." What happens in a longterm relationship with someone that you do love and respect and care about is that you grow with them and you do want them to be the best they can. This is almost a bit like parents who are protective or strict on their kids. You have opinions and voice them because you see certain behaviours as having negative impacts on their lives. This difference of opinion (ie. you not liking his friends, him wanting to hang out with them) in your situation probably reflects your care for him. You think he's wasting his time with these "loud girls" and maybe other aspects of your relationship or his life are suffering because of it. If he chooses to leave you because of these friends, then I think there's not much you can do about it. It's not like you're giiving him an ultimatum; he's the one escalating it to that level. So iif he chooses them over you, it probably is for the best because as you have said so yourself, this issue is a big strain on your relationship already. I don't really see how it can be resolved through compromise because it involves your respective feelings towards those girls... and those are hard to change.
  7. simulacra
    Your mother's email/letter sounds very sincere and very typical of what parents' perspectives might be. They are your guardians, and they will see things from a certain protective bias. Something to try: If your parents and your family have seen these "things" or instances of Justin dragging you down or mistreating you, ask them to tell you what they are >specifically Try clarifying those instances up for them, or cite instances where he has made positive differences in your life.
  8. simulacra
    I agree that going in the direction of marriage when you both acknowledge the said problem may become problematic later on. This "domesticated" love is symptomatic of a longterm relationship. The care is there. The intimacy is there. The everyday compatibilty is there. But sometimes the euphoric, uplifting emotions are clouded by everyday burdens. There should, however, still be moments when you just long for him/her, or think to yourself, "I really really love him/her and I love what we have." Those are the moments when you realize that you are in love with the right person. Ask your girlfriend if she has those intense moments, or is it all just very blase almost? What about when you are intimate? I would find it very hard to be kissing someone and be feeling nothing. One suggestion I do have is to take a trip together. Plan something nice. It can just be a weekend trip, but one where you are free of stresses and away from everyone else. I find that is always a good way to rekindle romance in a relationship.
  9. simulacra
    You know best what you need in order to heal. If you feel that you will get over him better by not having contact, then that's what you should do. Some people really just need the distance apart to allow them to get their lives back and to refocus on themselves. If you have decided to move on, cutting off contact for a while may be a good thing, especially if you've already explained things to him calmly and he has some sense of closure at this point. It is very painful and takes some getting used to at the beginning, but a year or two from now, you'll be okay with everything. And depending on how good your friendship is/was, you may even be able to stay friends after all the wounds have healed.
  10. simulacra
    I would be extremely cautious, as losing a lot of blood can be a dangerous thing. If you are also feeling woosy and the bleeding continues for a long time, I would go back to your doctor and get checked out. They usually tell you that it takes a few months to get regular etc, but sometimes it is just a matter of you reacting badly to that particular brand of pill. The doctor can easily switch you to a different brand. A similar situation happened to me and I ended up passing out a few times because I lost so much blood.
  11. simulacra
    Is there a possibility that he might be having some health issues that he is embarrassed to bring up with you?
  12. simulacra
    I would give it some more time. You may think you so much about this person in this short time, but if you really felt secure with the idea of meeting him (as a potential date or just as a friend) then you wouldn't have any doubts or fears as you do now. I say talk to him some more online. Maybe in a month or so you will be more comfortable with meeting him alone in person. Also since you are still pretty young, I would suggest you meet him somewhere with a lot of people like a local restaurant (since you two live so close). I think when you are completely comfortable with meeting up with someone that you've been talking to online, you won't feel the same doubts or concerns you feel now. So just take it slow.
  13. simulacra
    virtue?
  14. simulacra
    Timing is definitely an important part of love and relationships. Along with learning about yourself and the other person, making decisions and having things feel "right" is all tied to timing. I think this kind of stuff happens all the time. The key making a relationship work is to be able to work with the other person and compromise so that things do feel right and the timing/balance of feelings, predicaments, issues etc that are involved in the relationship can all go together. Not all relationships can work out (sadly not even the ones where you feel so much love). But hopefully the important thing you can always take away with every experience is that you are learning something and you can grow because of and with the person you love in whatever timeframe you have with him/her.
  15. simulacra
    Going by the rhythm method, you probably aren't pregnant. The lateness could be due to stress or it could be psychosomatic. Try not to have unprotected sex as you will only increase your chances of getting pregnant and when you do so repeatedly, it will be hard to judge when you might or might not be pregnant even if you get your period. If your period still hasn't come, you should defintely get it checked out and probably also as your doctor about contraceptive methods if you are going to have sex with your boyfriend from now on. Good luck.
  16. simulacra
    Ignore her. Move on. Maybe next time she calls, you do the talking. Let her know that it has been really hard for you during this whole time. Tell her she needs to be fair to you and to leave you alone now. It will be better for the both of you in the long run. If she hasn't learned her lesson by now, you will not be the one who will show her the meaning of commitment and honesty in a relationship. As hard as that is to accept at this point, you will feel abundantly better later on... and when you do find yourself in your next committed relationship, you'll be twice as happy.
  17. simulacra
    When dealing with relationships and matters of the heart, it is feelings that affect things. The real question should be "do you feel cheated?" If you run through the history between the two of you and can feel totally okay with the fact that this guy slept with other women while professing that he loved you and missed you, then you have your answer, A person that you could consider marrying and spending the rest of your life with should not be comparable to just any other person out there (that can fill a void, whether physical or otherwise). He was weak during your phase of wanting to go at your own pace, that much I can deduce from what you've stated. Whether you view that weakness as something minor or paramount is a matter of personal values/morals. Since I have a very particular view on infedelity and change of feelings in a relationship, I personally feel that it doesn't matter if the two of you were "technically" together or not when he decided to sleep with these other women. Even if we were officially "over" and he slept with someone else, I would not have the same faith in the relationship as I did the first time around. But that is just me.
  18. simulacra
    It is possible to still be getting your period when you are pregnant. I read somewhere that some women get their periods throughout their pregnancies too. You should go check it out at soon as possible so you can make the best informed decision. Anything after the first trimaster will be more difficult to deal with in terms of abortion options and emotionally as well. Home pregnancy tests are as accurate as those taken professionally. It's just that sometimes the test will come out negative because you're taking it too early or if you have miscarried. But if you want to be totally sure, you should go get a test with your doctor or at a local health clinic (privacy reasons). They usually have some counselling too so they can understand your situation a little better and to allow you to ask any questions. Don't just ignore this. You need to find out whether or not you're pregnant so make the best decisions for yourself and the baby. Good luck.
  19. simulacra
    Here's a message for all you single girls out there... "Girls are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. The boys don't want to reach for the good ones because they're afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead they just get the rotten apples that are on the ground, that aren't as good, but easy. So the apples at the top think that there is something wrong with them, when in reality, they are amazing. That is why we just have to be a little patient and the right boy, the one who takes a chance to find the good, right apple, will come someday... "
  20. simulacra
    I agree with you, weng, that one needs to move on from a situation and one does become tougher after certain trying times. But I still stick by my opinion that mind games are not the way to go -- well, at least for me. You need to prove to yourself that you can move on -yes. But do you need to flaunt this in front of her -no. You know you will move on regardless -- whether you move on by pursuing new relationships or through self-improvement or whatever else, it doesn't matter. The bottom line is that you know that you can survive without her and by moving on you confirm to yourself that you have a strength within. I don't see a need to show anyone that strength. If they are deserving of you (ie. to see your strength and these good qualities you possess), they will realize this without your pointing it out. She has chosen to move on. That in itself is a choice to forego her priviledge of knowing you (good, bad, and ugly). If anything, knowing that you can survive without her and making a point of improving your life in her absense should be empowering enough for you. Sometimes when people need to make things obvious (ie. flaunting), it is only an exercise of self-convincing as if to convince yourself that you have moved on, but in reality, you have not. But when you know from within that you are okay with the situation and with yourself, you will be satisified with just doing what you do without showing it off.
  21. simulacra
    I think you should go with your instincts. I agree with the male posters that most guys like that kind of stuff, but why does he need to hide it from you? He's an adult. These are just pictures. It's not as if he's a pervert or rapest or something. They're just pictures. Why can't he be open to you about this? I think you are right about the communication problem in your relationship, but it may not be soley his fault. You need to bring this issue up with him, but not in an accusing way. You need to approach this from an inquisitive and supportive stance so that he will open up to you. Maybe the guys are right in saying that he's hiding this from you because he thinks you have a problem with it. But there is also a great chance that he is hiding this from you as part of a bigger problem/deception. In either case, you can't let this go because it will resurface if you don't resolve it with him openly.
  22. simulacra
    What's with the mind games? If you really care (or cared) for someone I don't really understand the motivation for "getting them back" with mind games. If they've acted dishonourably or petty, then make a mental note that they are not worth your while and move on. To submit to the mind games yourself is to stoop to their level. Like you said, weng, you felt guitly playing her game when you saw her at the bar. That didn't feel too good, did it? It made you feel low, which is what she became after she left you. Doing things to move on is great, but there is no need to flaunt anything. Also, girls hurt just as much in a breakup. It all depends on the person and the situation and the people involved. Sometimes guys are jerks too.
  23. simulacra
    Long distance relationships are harder to gauge in terms of intimacy/closeness than normal relationships. The reason being, you are constantly fluctuating between feeling secure and distant in the relationship. The thing about long distance relationships is that you can never really be sure which factors are affecting the fluctuations (ie. is it the stresses and limitations of the distance, or is it the way the two of you actually relate and communicate). I think in some ways, that's what you're trying to figure out now -- the reasons why you love him -- do you just care about him deeply or are you in love with him? Some questions you might want to ask yourself are: -Why are you with him? -How are you compatible/good for each other? -How would things be different this wasn't a long distance thing and there were less fluctuations? Would you gravitate closer to him or feel you don't really need him? -What do you see in your future, eventually?
  24. simulacra
    I personally would not go back under any circumstances. I don't think I could love the person in the same matter after something like that.
  25. simulacra
    I think both of you have your own dreams (hobby + house) for your future and both also want each other to be in it. That doesn't seem to be such a daunting task to coordinate. Just be open with him about what you see. Let him know that you understand his dreams and hobbies and also let him know that you have your dreams for a happy ending for the two of you too. You need to sit down and prioritize all the things that the two of you want in your lives in the future. Another thing that might be in the back of his mind as a male is that he's afraid that he won't be able to provide for you in the longterm (financially). He might be afraid that he can't finance his hobbies as well as giving you everything that you dream of. But definitely assure him that regardless, you will want to work things out with him and that you'll be there through thick and thin.
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