simulacra

Just be honest with her. You started this whole thing off by being honest, why change it now? She deserves to know you as who you really are. Talk to her the most immediate way you can -- that means on the phone rather than online, and in person rather than on the phone, if you can. Just tell her how you feel about her and that you want to spend time with her. What's the point of playing hard to get and all those other stupid games?

I can't agree more. Everyone has their own conception of what makes for good communication. The point lies in which aspects you feel the connection is adaquate. Obviously after four years if you didn't realize that there was a communication problem in your relationship, the way you and your boyfriend is good enough for you. It may be that what you need in a conversation is different than what your boyfriend needs. It may also be a matter of perception and interpretation. I find that I am pretty much happy with any sort of talking from my boyfriend. It doesn't have to be deep, it doesn't have to be any one thing. Whatever and however he chooses to tell me or discuss something with me, I am okay with. The reason being is that I am always gleaming other things from his words. Even over the phone or text (ie. IM) I pick up subtle signs about his mood, tone, feelings, etc. They may or may not be totally accurate from how he is truly feeling, but I percieve those subtleties nevertheless. He, on the other hand, has a real problem with those types of commuincations and feels something is lacking if the commuincation is not in person (ie. face to face). It seems ironic, though, that in order to work through this problem, you need to communicate with him. Do ask him what he perceives his style of communication to be and what he perceives yours to be. Then tell him how you see those. Then discuss how you can both work together to make it better overall. After four years, you should be open enough with him to work through a little communication problem. I think a little misunderstanding in that department that could lead to other problems in the relationship would be unfortunate after this long. It can be resolved if you are willing to face it.

She may just not like kids in general, and you can't fault her for feeling that way. We all have our preferences, likes, and dislikes. Do you have any ideas where she stands on this? Have you guys talked about having kids in the future? She's young, so she may not even be thinking about kids right now. Maybe the whole idea of being responsible for another person scares her too. It may also be an issue of ages. Maybe she would be more compatable if your daughter is a teen. The realization that your girlfriend may not want kids or may not want to raise kids that are not her own may be a devastating one for you. If that point ever becomes clear to you, you will be forced to evaluate a lot of things in your life. I think she knows, on some level, that your daughter is very important to you. Her apprehensions and unease may be a result of her doubts about ever being able to be a "family" with you and your daughter. She may not see herself as being the type to just settle down and do all those traditional things, at which case, you have another issue to think about -- that is whether or not she is the woman you see yourself spending forever with. In any case, if you want her to be an integral part of your life, it would be a good idea to get her acquainted with your daughter, as it may be harder when your daughter grows up for them to be able to forge anything meaningful.

I think her discomfort of you having a child from a previous relationship stems from the fact that she is not part of that past. It is always hard to deal with your partner's past (that you were not a part of). Having a child that is a product and a reminder of that past can be very difficult for someone at her age. She's been with you three years, perhaps she's thought of having children with you sometime down the road as well. The fact that this child is not hers (and obviously that you have some responsibity in help raise your daughter) may make her feel that she is not the centre of your world. It's not a jealous sentiment but a feeling of insecurity almost, that she is not everything that is in your present, that there is another person who is really important to you. I know it is a difficult position to be in. You love your girlfriend, and you love your daughter. The difference is that your daughter is the one who needs you and will be needing you for a long time. Your daughter is your responsibility, your girlfriend isn't. The only thing I can think of that would ease her mind on this matter is if you spend time with her and your daughter together. Let her in on the relationship you and your daughter have. Let her know you want her to take part in raising your daughter -- maybe not exactly the full responsibility as your or the child's mother have, but let her know you want to include her in that area of your life. You can have your daughter stay over for the weekend (if you don't already do that) or go on trips together etc.

How old are you? Could it be that you're just going through an awkward stage? What friendships and relationships consist of in high school versus college/university are silightly different. I was never noticed in high school by the guys. There could be a number of reasons why people don't talk to you or approach you. It's partly to do with the social environment. In high school if you're not in the cliques, it will be pretty unlikely that a girl that you have an eye on (probably one of the more popular ones) will come up to you and want to be your friend. That's just the shallowness of high school social life. Once I was in a different environment (ie. uni/college) where there are a lot more diverse people and the social settings are different (not so much based on reputation and cliques), I started interacting with a lot more people and everything just came naturally. Guys will go up to girls and girls will go up to guys if they're interested (not necessarily even in a romantic context). The other thing has to do with the people you are approaching. Why not notice that quiet girl sitting in the corner of the class? She will probably be more interesting than anyone who is well known by everyone. And she will probably have lots of unique interests just as you do. It's kind of ironic sometimes... that quiet girl you overlook may be so much like you... and maybe to her you are the one she is admiring from afar... In the meantime, why don't you try socializing more with female cousins and the like? Do you have any that are around your age? If it is (female) companionship you want, they need not be romantic. Sometimes the things you want most (ie. to have female friends, to be with a girl) come to you when you least expect them to and when you are confident with yourself all around.

I guess I'm weird but I tend to like being friends with guys who have girlfriends already, whether I was single or taken. It's just natural for me to not fall for someone who is already in a relationship. If anything, it's just easier (less facades) to be friends with someone who is already involved with someone else. I know they are in a relationship for a reason, and I always give them the benefit of the doubt that they have no desire to stray. In response to your situation, I think you should try to get over her and remain friends with her, just for the simple fact that she already is involved. If you are just going to admire her from a distance, it will be a very difficult thing to do. And if you are going to be upfront about it, you need to be ready for disappointment. Even if she has some feelings for you, she may still outweigh her relationship over these little newfound feelings she's developed for you. I am sorry if this is not the response you want to hear. The other thing you can do is just wait a bit. Let the friendship develop. Maybe in time she will see some qualities in you that she really likes... enough for boyfriend material. If that realization comes to her and you've been there with her all along (as a good friend), I'm sure she'll find some ways to reveal her feelings. It might even be as suggestive as telling you she thinks of breaking up with her current boyfriend so as to tell you that she's free. Maybe then you can try to ask her out.

I don't really know the context of your situation, but I agree with bleeder. You have your own expections of what you want in a friend and a partner. Why settle for anything less than what you want? By settling you will only end up being unhappy (or not completely happy). The fact that you're asking if you'd be better off alone makes me wonder if you feel insecure with that prospect when in reality, we should be thinking the opposite: we should be thinking that we are complete persons on our own and that when we meet someone and want to share our lives with that person, it is something that enriches both our lives. There should be love, not dependancy in a relationship. There should be mutual enjoyment, not a sense of false security. There should be mutual giving, not expectations of receiving. If you have to be alone because you can't find someone to share completely with, then so be it. If you have to be alone because you can't find someone who can understand you the way you want to be understood, then take it in stride. Being alone should make you stronger. There is no shame in that.

It sounds to me like she does not love you in the same capacity as you love her. This is hard to realize and accept in a relationship for a person in your position. By taking her back all the time (because you feel so strongly towards her) you are giving her the message that she can just step all over you like a doormat. There is also the reputation of gay/lesbian relationships being all about sex and thereforeeeeeee less committed, so maybe your girlfriend has that mentality as well while you are more of the commitment type. Have you tried to meet other people (or just hanging out with friends) whenver she leaves you? I know you say you love her like you've loved no other, but sometimes when we are caught in the middle of something we don't realize that a whole other world exists outside of it. When you love someone with all your heart, it is hard to imagine life without that person. But when the decision is final (ie. a final breakup or death) you will naturally move on to being independent again. It may take a lot of time to get over or be comfortable with the idea of being without that person, but you will learn to take care of yourself again some time. It is inevitable. Maybe what you have to do is to stop being so helpless whenever she is not around. She is still important to you, but if her leave is always causing you to become weak, maybe you need to realize that it is not healthy for you to relying on the relationship to make you whole.

Can I assume that you are meeting girls online as well? If so, those particulars (work, school, social life, your condition) may be one of the first things that get exchanged between you and a potential, but there is just so much more than that in your repretoire. You sound like an intelligent person. You are getting some kind of education. You have opinions on matters. You have a personality that is unique. Every person is more than just a statistical demographic. I believe you should just tell people the truth about your situation because I don't believe that beginning with a lie in any relationship is a good thing. But why does the conversation have to stop there? After all, if it is a real conversation (with someone you want to have a real connection with) those few things that you're insecure about shouldn't hinder your ability to say something interesting or meaningful. Talk about what interests you have, what you do in your spare time, what things excite you. Talk about your political views, your sensitivity towards people, your goals in life. I'm sure you can come up with a lot more conversation topics than what I've just suggested. Don't berate yourself on the areas that you think you are lacking in. I'm sure most sensible girls who can appreciate a good person when they meet one won't even care much about those things that you see as your disadvantages.

I sympathize with your situation, even though I have no direct experience remotely close to yours. But I know that it must be very very difficult to love a person so much only to realize that there is one aspect of the relationship that is not going the way either of you want. The things that I can think of in your situation would be to get her to be intimate with you gradually, in a series of steps. Start off by conversing. Share your feelings on how much you love her and how you want to be intimate with her (ie. holding, cuddling, kissing). By speaking of your desires, you establish a bond/trust with her without being intimidating. It sounds like her past is still affecting her comfort levels with sex today. So go slowly. Show her that she can trust you. Show her that you want to understand her better, that you want to make it possible for the two of you to share intimate moments together. And tell her that it is an important aspect of the relationship for you. The next step might be to show her your care. Show her you are sensitive towards her. She might still not want to be sexual with you quite yet, but I think any woman would want to be held or kissed once in a while, if not all the time. I think your girlfriend needs that sort of closeness from you, especially if she needs reassurance that not all guys are abusive jerks. Again, holding her close for a length of time (ie. just sitting together on a couch and holding her while watching tv or something) will create a trust between you; she knows you will be there to protect her and that you will be a source of comfort and support to her whenever she needs. This step is a primer to being able to be sexual with her, I think. The next stage might be to hold her in bed and perhaps sleeping naked in bed together without initiating anything sexual. She just needs to be able to be comfortable to being close to you without feeling violated or awkward. Hold her close to you, whisper in her ear, tell her how much you love her. Let her know she is the most important person to you. Let her know she means everything to you. You might also want to try masterbating for her or together with her (if she isn't repulsed by the idea, that is). Sometimes trust (for me anyway) is gained when the other person is able to be themselves (no matter how vulnerable or foolish or "real" or whatever) when they are around me. Masterbating in front of someone you love says to me "I want to show you myself in my own element, with no facades, no illusions. This is me." Once a certain trust and comfort level has been established at this stage (ie. you will want to ask her as you're going along how comfortable she feels), you can tell her that you would really like to make love to her and to give her the reins. Let her decide when the right time for the two of you to go further is. Let her know that you will be supportive of her pacing and reluctancies/apprehensions. Let her know that you will guide her all the way. And reasssure her that you love her in every way and that being intimate will make the love that you feel for one another stronger because it is an important part of the relationship. I'm not sure what else I can suggest. I know it requires a lot of patience on your part... and nine years shows a great deal of that. I hope things work out for the two of you, as I know love is such precious thing.

I can only answer your question on a personal level. You can extrapolate any points you find relevant to your situation. For me, I would not choose to be alone if I was in love with someone that I felt was the one. If I was in a serious relationship with someone that I saw myself growing old with, I would only gravitate closer towards that person if problems arose in the relationship or if I encountered personal hardships. If that person is supposed to be my partner, I would want to experience everything with him, whether it's good or bad moments. It's just a natural reaction to being close to someone. (For me anyway.) Don't you have days when everything's gone wrong and the one thing you want to do most is to come home to your partner/lover and just be able to have them hold you? Sometimes it's not even about them being able to do anything better about the actual situation or understanding exactly why your day was so crappy. Sometimes it's just the fact that you want them (and only them) to be there for you. They are the only person you need and want at that moment. They are the only person who can make things better for you when everything else is going wrong. There is no such thing as taking a break away from my partner. If I do get the feeling that I need some time to myself, it is often because I feel that he is not paying enough attention to me anyway and that I could comfort myself just as well as he could comfort me. So maybe you're not giving your partner enough attention and they are sensing some sort of abandonment? Sometimes it's ironic that the person you want to be there for you most has no clue. But for me, as soon as he gives me a call or lets me know that he senses something wrong and wants to be there for me, I gravitate towards him again immediately.

It's a tough call. When you realize you are not in love with someone anymore, the relationship is over. And you have the right to pick up the pieces and move on the best way you know how. As for your wife, perhaps this will be a good thing for her too. She will learn how to be on her own again, totally independent. It is difficult to predict (without knowing her) which way she will go -- if she will be stronger without you or if she will let her alcoholism dull the pain. Either way, you need to get your own life back together. One suggestion I have is that in addition to suggesting counselling to her, you might want to make yourself available to her as a companion even after your split. Perhaps offer to go to counselling sessions with her and remaining friends with her despite your drifting apart. You and her sister are the only ones she seems to be able to trust. Even if you no longer see her as the one to go through life together with, you are still an important figure in her life right now. I know you probably still care for her a lot and would not want to see her self-distruct. So maybe the two of you can try to work together to get both your lives back on track. She may no longer be your soulmate in your eyes, but the two of you can still be a source of mutual support in the other's life. I hope all goes well for you.

Thanks SwingFox. I like making things for people too and that's what I meant by just giving or doing something little as a nice gesture... something that says I've thought about the person. I don't need to be extravagant or anything...

I think you should try not to put too much pressure on yourself. Look at it from the perspective of a little experimentation and a little fun. I think if she knew you had never frenched before, she should have been the one to make the first move and to guide you a bit. Tell her to kiss you the way she wants to be kissed. Once you have someone show you how it's done, it's easy... and you just improvise from there. Each partner is different; chemistry between the couple also affects kissing style. Don't worry, once you get some more practice (without being in pressured situations to perform like a pro) you'll get the hang of it... and who knows, maybe you'll even like it so much that you can't get enough of her! Happy kissing

I feel the same way you do about my boyfriend's past. And the problem is not just because he's had a past but the cicumstances of that past. (ie. when he slept with his ex the day after he was out with you.) That's the thing that you can't totally get over. It does feel like betrayal to some degree, as if you sense him having feelings for you, but then why would he go back to doing something intimate with someone else even if the two of you weren't involved yet. I think for me, the thing that will assure me that he loves me completely now and that he values me over and above anyone else in his past is just asking him about how he feels. I ask him how he feels now (with me) in comparison to how he felt before (with others). And I usually am assured that he loves me more than anyone else he's loved because he tells me it's just not the same when he's with me. He remembers his past, but it is not something that he wishes to be his present. I know it's hard to deal with another person's past, especially since you can't really understand it as they do and will always be paranoid that they loved the other person more or that they had better times with the other person or the other person was sexier or better than you. The only thing you can do is be sure that they love you the way you want to be loved and the relationship is how you want it to be. That's the only way you can judge if your partner is really in love with you and has put the past behind them. And if they have, you should be able to put it behind you too.

How do you guys make valentine's day special when you can't be with your partner? It's not a really big deal in my relationship, but I still like to do something that's thoughtful to bring a smile to my guy (especially since it's around midterms and it'll be a nice surprise for him to get something unexpected). Any suggestions on gift ideas (to be sent in a small package)? Although sending him flowers would be an interesting reversal of roles, I want to send him something that he will be intrigued about (maybe remind him of me in some way) and not just something that he will just put aside afterwards. I was thinking of buying sexy/lacey underwear (siince I don't usually wear those) and sending them to him so that his imagination can run wild.. until we see each other again. What do you guys think?

Why don't you make love to Jane? If you see her as the one (ie. future wife) you would want to give yourself to her in the end anyway, right? The past is the past. When you two make love to each other for the first time, it will be the start of something new. If it is love that you feel for her, then it will feel right whether it's before or after you get married. (And by saying this, I don't mean to disregard your strong values.) Plus, after you've lost your virginity to her, you will be on equal grounds. Good luck.

It's good that you're exploring your own body, even if you don't know what makes you feel good yet. Just be patient and try to be relaxed when you're doing it. Each woman is different so it's hard to say what will and will not work all the time. These are just a couple of suggestions: -Stimulating the clit: I think it has the same kind of muscles that are found on the head of a guy's penis. Experiment with different pressures and speeds. -Watching soft porn (of girls masturbating): even though the actions and expressions are exaggerated, you can at least see visual examples that might help you out or give you ideas to try out. -Fantasizing as you're pleasuring yourself: your psyche greatly affects your physical pleasure. I'm not sure what other suggestion I can offer. Hope the experience gets better with practice.

May I ask if you have at least one close friend with whom you can share these sorts of thoughts and questions? Or maybe just having a close friend to share other thoughts with. Sometimes the self-confidence comes from just feeling close to another person (not necessarily in a romantic context). I never felt attractive all throughout high school and I avoided eye contact like you did. But having a best friend that I related to helped a lot. He was a closet gay so he was never in a relationship either. And even though we didn't directly draw attention to the fact that we weren't in relationships, the friendship itself was something very positive in our lives. As for the self-esteem and outgoingness, I think you just need to change your environment. You mentioned you were in an art program. Do you see the same group of people everyday? If so, it would be a good start to get to know some of those people a little better (male and female) outside of school. They already have something in common with you -- they all have an interest in art. It's a good beginning. Maybe you have some other interests outside of your school agenda. Why don't you try meeting others who enjoy the same activities as you (ie. gyms, community groups, etc)? I think interacting with others on casual social settings will help with socializing with people in general. As for masterbation, there is no reason to stop pleasuring yourself for fear of adversely affecting how you approach girls. It is something you do for yourself, not for the benefit of another. And yes, even though there is a difference between sex and jerking off (ie. the sensations are more intense during sex), it doesn't mean you should deprive yourself. Wanting sexual pleasure is natural, even if it means you have to do it by yourself. Overall, I think you need to be happy with yourself first and foremost. Maybe this doesn't even have to be to the level of being totally confident with yourself because we are always improving upon ourselves, constantly changing for the better. But at least be able to see positive qualities within yourself and know that there are people out there who will appreciate those. Also realize that those people may be few and far between but when you do find them, they will mean so much to you. So relate to people they way you know how and the way that is most comfortable for you, all the while knowing that you have something genuine to offer them. Good luck with everything.