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Derek

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Everything posted by Derek

  1. Derek
    Don't wait for a fantasy man. ========= Let me clarify : Because of the internet/phone nature of the relationship, I wonder if a "fantasy man" was built up in the mind of Jasmine that he could never live up to. If you met this guy physically in real life, I think it would be a different story. It sounded like you both were arguing, perhaps even picking arguments so that real honest confrontation didn't happen. That's a bad pattern of communication for the future anyway. My advice is let it go. It was never real to begin with, even though it felt like it was. =)
  2. Derek
    It doesn't matter why. If she was really into you, then one particular mistake, or one word you said or whatever issue occurred would not have been a deal breaker. She would have confronted you and you two could have worked it out. But the reasons why will likely never be known, and now the "why" reasons could even be invented to attempt to rationalize irrational behaviour (head games) Don't analyze it any more. The best way to recover from a break up AND to get the dumper to possibly come back around is to live your life better than ever. Get out there.
  3. Derek
    How about you come right out and ask your girls that are friends their advice on what to do about your dilemma. This accomplishes two things, it lets them know that you are looking for a girlfriend and you get some advice from some friends. Who knows how those two things might combine. Some possible problems I've seen as a guy in the same boat as you too often: - being too accomodating, adjusting yourself to be compatible with women instead of just being a man, liking man stuff, and not apologizing for it and being happy with yourself as you are. (being confident about yourself) - not declaring your intentions from the start. i.e. being flirty/funny, being witty and playful and. (be honest about what you want) - stop acting like a girlfriend (don't be too empathetic) - stop caring what the girl thinks of you so much, whether she accepts or rejects you is not your problem, it's hers. And your attitude should be that it's her loss if she lets you go. (don't be too sensitive)
  4. Derek
    Did you say your two options were "fast" and "slow" thrusting? What about doing figure 8s with your hips. And forget about "thrusting" once in a while, mix it up. Change positions, move legs. And get her warmed up with oral/hands first long before you even get to worrying about yourself. You know that guys can finish in 3-5 minutes (or less), girls often needs 15 minutes or more. Strangely enough, making love is really about worshiping a woman's body, a man's body is usually a secondary issue. Think of her body's pleasure as the project for both of you. Your new hobby is to know how to pleasure her and the one that knows the most about her body is her. Communicate. Find out what turns her on mentally and physically. About the getting too excited bit? Some people try to get off a few hours before hand, erm, by hand. =) Mentally think of baseball or whatever. Also you could google kegel excercises and tantric techniques. But I think that would just complicate things. good luck
  5. Derek
    Once a break-up happens, you can never go back to being as if it didn't happen, the best that could happen is two people start again with a new set of expectations and new perspective. Perhaps having to rebuild trust after it being broken in the first place. The no-contact (or low-contact) strategy for the person that was dumped is a good approach to show you have self-respect and are moving on with your own life. How a person acts when they get dumped shows alot of character to the other person. No contact means the person dumped is holding their head high, protecting themselves emotionally and letting time heal the wound while gearing up towards the next thing. If the other person comes around later, then the dumpee will be on an even level with them and won't be considered "needy". The relationship will be much healthier the second time around if the relationship control (or power) is more equally divided.
  6. Derek
    I don't want to be too graphic on the forum, so I'll try to be clinical. Knowing what your body feels like to have orgasms is why people always suggest masturbation as a starting point for climax problems. You seem to not like that idea but there are some other options. I have an idea to try, might I suggest you try spraying or running warm water from the shower head (with massager?) over your clitoris while massaging yourself and your body all over. Dream about your guy or dream about something you read that turned you on. Be relaxed, be sure you have no interruptions, light some nice candles. You can feel safe to let go in the bathtub with no mess and total privacy. Guys and girls are not that different physiologically when it comes to climax. The main difference is guys tend to get excited faster and calm down faster after orgasm than girls. Guys are like a dragster, while girls take time to warm up like a regular car but can last much longer than the dragsters. Girls can peak multiple times while guys can generally only climax once, then the guys need 20-30 minutes to even 24 hours to be able to climax again. Girls are usually ready right away. People mentioned vibrators and stuff... From reading between the lines, you seem to know your body, I think it is more about the emotional and mental place you are in right now. I don't think it is a physical thing. If you are under stress, feeling frantic about life, etc. , letting yourself and your body go to another place is going to be much harder perhaps. If you are with a guy and feeling conflicted about making love with him, you aren't gonna be turned on either. I think for women even more than men, sexual excitement is a whole body/mind experience and it is harder to separate the two. Those are the things I'd wonder about.
  7. Derek
    I think there is that quiet confidence that is "cocky" and that funny attitude that always gives a funny answer to questions. Then there is that arrogant "cockiness" that is fake and not backed up with actions. I would think Hasie means the first one. Girls can usually smell the fakes pretty quick. Also the suggestions are directly towards "shy guys" anyway, because the outgoing guys aren't going to be in here reading about how to make conversation since they are already naturals. The "shy guys" need to dig deep and step out and not be afraid to be guys and have guy opinions and guy preferences. Girls notice a guy that is genuine and follows his own direction. They want to be a part of his adventure if he's got an interesting direction going.
  8. Derek
    I think what others are saying is that once you are labeled into the "Friends-only" zone of guy-girl relationship. Converting that to a romantic relationship is very difficult. So you say you can be happy just being friends, well the best bet is to learn from her about what she thinks, and you should get her advice on how to get a girlfriend. Talk to her about what you should do to find your girl. She needs to see you growing in life, getting interests, and she might actually see you growing beyond her. Then she might get interested in you again enough to risk the friendship. Even if she never came around and got married to some other yahoo, at least you learned alot, grew yourself, found some other girls and other interests. Don't stagnate while waiting for her. That would be my strategy.
  9. Derek
    Sweetheart2, Don't be ashamed for feeling that sex without meaning is , well, without meaning. Because it is. I think you have a healthier view about sex than others that have hardened their feelings and probably will have difficulty bonding with anyone. For some people, it is a mere mechanical act. But at least you still are hoping for that spiritual/emotional, magical even, connection. Which I believe can still happen. Don't fall for the easy way out. Go the path less travelled. Stick to your standards and you'll be ready when you are ready. Whether that is marriage or whatever you think is right. Then you can go into the situation with eyes wide open, clear conscience, lights on, without an internal conflict, with no doubts about it and know you are doing right. I have rarely heard of people regretting waiting, but very very often heard of people regretting dropping their standards and giving it away on a whim.
  10. Derek
    I think he would love that you'd done all the preparations and planning just for him. Doesn't matter if it isn't executed perfectly. Don't be too upset if he gets impatient with reaching the end-game, just keep it light-hearted and fun and tell him to control himself or he won't get the big prize at the finish line. He should be able to play along. I think it's a great plan. I'd love it. I know I'd be motivated to reciprocate with some planning and romance for you the next time.
  11. Derek
    So, the things we know for pros/cons are: - we know that the first 1/3 of the vagina has the most nerve endings that matter. - we know that the majority of women have orgasms by clitoral stimulation anyway. - we know that the majority of men are about 6 inches long (between 5 and 7 inches) - we know that girth matters more than length for female sensation. - we know that length helps in accomplishing unusual positions and staying "connected" =) - we know that smaller members are best for easier oral sex. - we know that smaller members are best for easier anal sex. - we know that women have best orgasms when they are mentally and emotionally engaged rather than mere physical techniques. thereforeeee the best sized tool for the most variety and multi-purpose usage is around an average size 5-7 inches with a slightly larger girth which never runs out of steam. But despite knowing all that, none of us can do anything to change our particular dimensions, whether male or female. All we can change is our attitude towards ourselves and each other. Accept yourself and you'll be the better lover in the end because you'll be confident in doing your own specialties. It's the same idea with a little person playing basketball in the NBA. In any case, guys should be using their mouths and hands instead of their manhood to truly satisfy their girl. And perhaps guys should use their ears too, I bet their girl wants him to pay attention to things about himself a lot higher on her priority list than his package...
  12. Derek
    Wow, there are so many things going on in that. Pregnancy and the rollercoaster of pressures and emotions from that, lack of attention from your man. Jealousy of his friends. medical issues stressing you out, working at the same time... You have got to get yourself some girlfriends to vent with =) Do you have a support network of parents or friends or whatever? Perhaps he isn't the right person to be talking to. Sounds like some things he is doing is looming larger in your view than in his and those mis-matched expectations are snowballing into big issues ( Arguments/divorce talk ) when they should be nipped in the bud. You aren't nipping your buds! =) And I don't think divorce is even needed to be talked about, you are going through life (ups and downs) and though it seems insurmountable now, I think you and your marriage are going to make it. For your new family and the baby's sake, you and your spouse could take a little time to talk to a trusted counselor, priest/paster or rabbi, or older couple that have been though the pressure cooker of pregnancy and children.
  13. Derek
    I am curious what other people think. He does want her back, but in this case, he wants to be sure they start on an even playing field right? When does that line occur? Derek
  14. Derek
    Good advice above... About the kissing, spin it in a positive way, say something like " I really like kissing you, can we try kissing slower and for longer this time? I really like what your lips feel like can we kiss with those more for a while? " About the rubbing (petting) stuff, did you know guys also can get the same feeling where they can't take it anymore and they need a break or it feels "raw" ? It's like the nerve endings are too sensitive and it changes into a painful feeling. (Often happens right after an orgasm too) When that happens the "rubbing" just has to change to a different place or a different way, or slow it down alot, or simply take a break and change to kissing or whatever. Now my assumption is that it is this kind of physical feeling you have, there is also psychological barriers that guys and girls can have too. Some people can be so very excited that you might feel you can't contain yourself and feel you have to pull back. It can happen involuntarily, because one have never fully let yourself go there before and it all feels foreign and "wrong" even. That's why people talk about self-pleasuring alone so that you feel completely safe to push it through and let it all go. Those are the two areas to pursue I think.
  15. Derek
    Stay NC for longer, wait for a second letter even... Didn't sound like you wanted to get back together anyway, but if you weaken and send something to her, make it short and with info about how your life is moving now, nothing about the past, don't fall into arguing about old issues, just keep looking forward. Don't open the relationship can of worms until both of you are over the emotions and can speak with perspective and be rational about it.
  16. Derek
    Break up the same way you pull off a band-aid or a pull out a tooth. quickly and directly =) :scatter:
  17. Derek

    HOW....??

    Derek replied to craig78's topic in Dating Advice

    Also, just the act of expressing that to her, shows confidence and may, over time, make her look at you differently. Don't count on that, but it's better than pining away not knowing what she's thinking and then after the opportunity is gone, looking back with regret. you only live once. what's the worst that could happen?
  18. Derek
    So you are 16, got really attached to this one girl just now. Someone you can't have completely. Well, in life, I think one can't really have anyone "completely" anyway. So you might as well start now finding out about who "HoldMeTightly" is and what makes her tic independently from other people. Like your identity doesn't need to involve her does it? Do you *have* to have her to be happy? Would you be happy if she is happy? (and thus she is happy with her boyfriend?) In any relationship, if one person is depending on the other person to fulfill all their needs, to make them happy, to "complete" them instead of "compliment" them, it's going to be an uneven partnership and some people would even say unhealthy. I think you could let her go on her own, let her breathe, let yourself grow in different ways, with new interests, new people, other ways. You might be going to college/univ soon, what's going on with the rest of your life? Worry about that stuff, I think it won't hurt as much as you might think in the long run to just let her go. Find yourself first.
  19. Derek
    So essentially you were saying she wasn't good at hand jobs? How's a girl supposed to know hand techniques when she doesn't have the same equipment that guys are used to using their whole lives. So she didn't know that squeezing isn't as good as friction, big deal. Just have a frank but light hearted conversation about likes and dislikes. I think the solution is about communication as others said. You are a lucky man to have such a great girl in my opinion.
  20. Derek

    what to do

    Derek replied to paitball30's topic in Dating Advice

    Be confident in yourself around her. Make her laugh. Have interesting stuff that you are doing in your life that you can talk about to her. Find interests that are mutual (video games) Do research on the net together to give her some cheats for the games she is into. Or perhaps do that together. Let her know you like her but you are doing your own thing and not gonna wait for her. Since you already asked her out, I guess she knows you like her. Pay attention to the little details she says, try and remember them and bring them up later so she knows you pay attention. (Like what kinda colors, drinks or ice cream flavours she likes) Find ways to talk to her, (walk her to the bus stop or home even if it is out of your way). But your attitude should be that you respect yourself and you are a valuable guy, don't bend over backwards for her. Become friends with her friends. Ask them what she likes even.
  21. Derek
    I wasn't thinking a restaurant, but sometime when comfy at home, over take-out pizza, in comfy clothes or whatever, in light conversation just like talking about laundry. Not when you're in the bedroom or both naked and sweaty, that's not the time to talk about it since both of you and especially him won't be thinking clearly in any way. Perhaps over ice cream after a warm meal at home. Another tip, touch his arm, or curl up with him. He'll pay better attention if you touch him a bit. And TV/computer/newspaper off. No distractions. Put out a scented candle too LOL! He'll be putty in your hands girlfriend. Now if you get him his favorite meal, he might start to get suspicious that something is up though =) You're a woman, be devious, you can do it! He can't resist your charms! =)
  22. Derek

    Didn't call

    Derek replied to shorty20's topic in Dating Advice

    One thing at a time, yo! You've been dating (10 times), one month? And now he's giving you mixed signals? I wouldn't have "the talk" yet unless he brings it up. Give him some breathing time. How about just tell him your side but don't ask anything of him yet. You know, something light like "I am happy with how things are going between us and I'd like to keep on seeing you." Yes, I know you're not completely happy, but you're generally happy right? If after a second month it is the same old crap, then I guess "he's just not that into you" and drop him cold turkey. =)
  23. Derek
    Is being a voyeur so bad? That may be all that's left... I don't hold much hope for the original relationship lasting... Personally, I think if a partner (guy or girl) wants/has intimacy (sexual or otherwise) outside of the relationship (guy or girl) then it's already going down a bad path with an obvious end. Even worse when the expectations of one partner is mismatched and it's not communicated about. (i.e. no ground rules)
  24. Derek
    It's a fine line, to communicate about it without belittling him. Tell him you love making love with him but you'd like to share ideas on making it better. Perhaps bring it up not in bed but at dinner or something. Bring it up lightly. Think of yourself as coaching an athlete to become better, sure they already have talent but now you are refining the skills. =) You are giving him the roadmap to your pleasure and he needs to study it well. He needs to make your body his hobby. Your body's pleasure is your mutual project. He should get to know your body better than his own. (and vice versa) I think the idea of going through a book together is great. Makes it a third person making suggestions not 1st person.
  25. Derek
    Seems to me, what a guy likes is to know he can turn his girl on. He doesn't care how it's done. So just relax, enjoy yourself. Be a little dirty even. Let him take you there. If what works for you was to nibble your ear, he would like to do that too. It's not about the act itself, it's about making you feel pleasure.
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