JazzyGirl

I just must say AMEN to Kevin T. Hurting4Sure - I absolutely do apparently suck at that too. Hence my inability to really do anything correctly. So, yes, thank you for pointing out yet another thing I'm a failure at; however, I've already figured that out. Some people call me lucky - a miracle even... not needing a hospital, just having my body apprently process the toxins somehow... but I see... FAILURE - big bold letters. As for the friends thing, you mention this forum. This is not really a friendship. There's no one on here that I can pick up the phone and call, no one to go out for coffee with, or the movies, or to their house... that's a friend. The person who's there for you and whom you are there for - this is what I have none of so forgive me if I bypass the idea that people on a forum might care about some depressed chick living in, most likely, another state - far, far away. It's merely words on a screen to most people here. That's it. Just black text on a screen that they read and perhaps sympathize with, but really, in their daily lives, is it that significant? I doubt it. I certainly doubt that within 2 or 3 or 10 hours of reading this that anyone will be thinking of this message or me. I hate to sound so cynical or sad or bitter or whatever... I'm having a terrible night on top of the recent times that haven't been too great. perhaps, in a year or two, I'd come back and read this and wonder what I was thinking, but perhaps not. There's no way to know that for sure (aside from the obvious... time), and if I reflect upon my life... I highly doubt that within a year or two that I should feel differently - that is, if the past is any indication, which it usually is. Oh and by the way, there's some confusion in your response. Could be just that I'm a bit muddled tonight because I've been so upset. You stated: " And don't take offense to this, but if you have tried 4 times, then well guess what, you suck at that too! The fact that you tried 4 times and did not do it should be reason enough to realize it's not the answer." I do take some offense to that because it seems to be kind of rude and insensitive. I tried four times and four times... nada. I think it may've been more then four but I'm not totally sure at this point. But anyways, yes, I know, I'm a failure, yada yada yada - nothing I haven't heard plenty of. Ok, so... let's see how... or if... tonight goes. Have a good one.

I somehow feel compelled to reply to this post. I'm not even sure what I'm going to say. I'm just allowing my fingers to do that talking at this moment. Of course, right now, I'm going through a crisis - right now, in the sense of this very minute. Anyways, that's not the point. I am also not attempting to "kill you" for your 2 cents worth as I am often one to place in my two cents where I feel compelled to do so. Anyways, I believe it was said above. Some people have a bad day everyday. Other people - it's not merely a thought of being dumped by someone... and it's not about an idea of how the world would stop without them. Ok, I'm switched to first person - seeing as I have, more the once, qualified as sucidial. For me, and I can only speak for me... it's a hell of a lot more then that. It's almost like a permanent bad day that rewinds and plays over and over again - and yes, it's not the same day, but it's the same damn stuff over and over again. It's the break up and the lies and the pain and the lonliness and the assault and the heartache and the lack of really anything worthwhile around me. The idea that one's own flesh and blood could be completely oblivious and even, if not oblivious, just not give a damn. The idea that if those who are supposed to love you unconditionally, don't, then what's the point? And that lack of unconditional love being only the tip of the iceberg - the very large iceberg. I don't think, for most suicidal people, that it's one instance or one break up or one heartache as it seems like is implied here. If I have it wrong, I apologize and if I am offensive, I also apologize. I have been told that I can be a bit brass... landing me the title of the "B" word more then once, of course. As for the whole attempt thing - you say, "why does hardly anyone ever try twice?" - well, perhaps, those who do not try twice, or more, have succeeded in finding what they needed to find - help or hope or something. Personally, I've tried... I'd say... at least four times - never needing a hospital and never succeeding, of course. You would think that would jolt me into a state of "I'm here for a reason" and in some ways it does, but the pain I've been experiencing lately has been greater then the "I'm here for a reason" thought. The pain that I'm even feeling at this moment is greater then the afore mentioned thought. This is how I landed on this forum tonight. Searching frantically for a way to keep away from teh booze and pills - something that's immensely diffcult at the moment. I search for someone to call - a "Friend" but the sad thing is, in all the phone numbers in my cell phone, there's no one to call - no one that I could depend on or talk to. I find that sad. Anyways, I'm off topic and rambling slightly - I have a tendency to do that. I don't know how well I really stuck to anything at all. I guess i just needed to get some of this out. I suppose I'll search for some sleep and hope that helps keep me from self-harm that I so desire to inflict at this moment... however... deep down... I know that it still won't work this time and I hate the idea of spending 72 hours in a Baker Act. Go figure. It's quite possibly a new low when one realizes that they can't even kill themselves correctly. I hope that I haven't depressed anyone too greatly. Thanks for reading this. I appreciate it.

Update: I didn't remember this... all the alcohol and drugs. I was talking to my friend when all this was happening (he lives in another state)... and I talked to him tonight... but apparently I told him that I threw up. I think that was about an hour and a half after taking the drugs and drinking. So that means I should be fine right? There is no one to foot the bill because my family doesn't know and the friends that know are both many many many miles away. I told my counselors about taking the pills and the drinking... it was a mixture of tylenol and oxycodone (and alcohol). If you guys still think I should go to the doctor maybe I can find something open tomorrow - Saturday - like maybe the health department or a clinic or something. I'm not sure what I'd say though since I don't want them Baker Acting me. I don't know of any teaching hospitals or any free clinic hospitals around me though - maybe I can find a walk-in place.

Just to update you guys. I am alive. I didn't get to come back on the other day for various reasons dealing with my counselor and talking to her and going to this meeting and being tired and not feeling well. I didn't feel well yesterday. Food made me feel more sick. Today seems better though - physically. My chest has been hurting some - I'd say it's a bit tender. I didn't/can't really go to a hospital because I have no health insurance. To top the problem with health insurance... I have no money. I don't really know what I can do at this point. I thought since I was alive and breathing yesterday that I'm fine. I don't know though. I've downed tylenol before... so... I don't know how my liver is at this point. I haven't had a suicide attempt in well over a year before Wednesday night. I don't know if I can totally pinpoint everything going on with me. It's so much... seems like so much at least. I mean... I had a lot of things just fall apart all at once and to make it worse they all kind of came crashing down on the anniversary of the death of a very good friend so it was a lot of pain just pounding on me. And I let it bottle up and build up and build up until Wednesday night I exploded. Yesterday was a good day. I was even "happy"ish - or content perhaps... and felt bad about what I had done. Today... i'm a bit "eh" not that great. I don't know. I'm a bit fuzzy headed - like not able to think that straight but I will keep you guys updated as much as I can. I don't really know what I can do without health insurance or money... sadly that's the way our system works. There's no healthcare coverage for someone like me - I'm too young with too many pre-existings.

Ok so I have been having a rough time of it lately. I had a counselor and he just switched me over to a different counselor that specializes in certain things that I needed. Anyhow, I just started with her - about 3 sessions I think - and I think she's pretty ok. I mean, she does a good job with me. Last night I lost it. I just wanted it to end. I didn't want to hurt anymore or be sad - I just wanted to disappear. My family went out and I stayed home. I pulled out my vodka and was making mixed drinks - vodka & soda - then I added in extra strength tylenol. 500mg per a pill and I took A LOT - at least 20. Then I found oxycodone from a surgery I had awhile back. I don't know how many I took - somewhere between 2-4 (bottle said to discard June 2006) I started feeling sick and kept drifting in and out of it - like I'd pass out for a moment and then wake up. Then later - a few times - as I started feeling sick and hanging in the bathroom - I'd pass out for a minute or two and wake up. Then I passed out for like 5 minutes. I came back to the computer (I'd been talking to a few people online - they knew what I was doing) but the two people were gone. I went to bed for about 45 minutes or an hour and then woke up. I called my former counselor and we talked for a bit. And later today I have to call my current counselor. I know. The question being... how on earth am I alive, conscious, and standing without having any medical treatment at all? I ceased intake of all alcohol and drugs around 8pm and it's now 9:20am so it's been over 12 hours. I still feel a bit funny - like I'm still shake-y, and I just feel off - like not quite myself. Anyhow, I guess I wanted to check and see what you guys thought. I have no health insurance (and no money) so going to a doctor proves difficult. I mean, I'm alive and conscious so I should be fine, correct?

I wish I could understand why I'm so afraid to block his number. All of this has me so bummed out right now. It's like it's all just hitting me so slowly. Really hitting me.... and hard... and I don't know. I just wish I could erase it. Forget it. Something. I don't want to feel like this anymore. It hurts. I'm going to try to block the number... I'm scared to... I don't know why but I am.

Update: The guy text messaged me and it was like this: So I was asleep and he text me at 2:36am with "hey no roomate can u sneak out." but i didn't hear a thing. I was asleep then 20 minutes later he's like "hello" I'm still sleeping and hear nada.. then.. another 20 minutes "seriously please answer" so he calls me and i was confused because I'm half asleep and the phone's ringing and I couldn't figure out why my phone was ringing lol... so I hit mute and didn't answer and then saw his text messages. (and to keep in mind. I wasn't really awake when I responded). So I said "I was asleep... very late... tired" He's like "sorry bummed again please help" I said "u get bummed at 3am when u have no roomie...i'm not a toy 2 be used for sexual gratification" and he said "I'm not looking 4 gratification. I'm looking for u if you help me now i'll be your b/f" So I wrote to him "U know I can't sneak out for one. Right now, I can't do the b/f thing cuz I'm mending a broken heart from this other guy and that will take time for me" (and he knew about this guy) and he's like "but i'm all alone and yet a second time i need help but where are you? I'd die for u. Please help me" I told him "You call me at 3am when there is nothing i can do for u and u know that. I'm a nice, caring, and even sensitive person but you KNOW that at 3am there's nothing i can do for u..." He said "but I save you at this time" and I got livid... starting to wake up a little bit but not totally, and I said back to him... "Damn it for u 2 throw that in my face. I can't leave my house. All r sleeping, mine was at 1am on a weekend when people were awake. I was also totally wasted. if sober. nothing would have happened"He said "I helped u and now twice you diss me? I guess your just a BSer like everyone else" I remember being really pissed off at this point. I said to him "U can think I'm a b**ch or w/e. but this is done. I need to sleep. I haven't slept in weeks." then I text him again saying "B.S. I am not dissing u. YOU KNOW I CAN'T leave. You what, think what u want. I'm in pain and exhausted. Goodnight. Phone on silent since I'm a b**ch" So... I am really hoping he doesn't bother me again. I just didn't know what to do and I don't know. I start to feel guilty when he's like "I'm bummed" but that's just part of my personality - I like always feel guilty about things even if they are not my fault. I want nothing to do with him! He was talking about "helping me" and that was the night that I originally posted about - where he assaulted me... I guess that's what it's called... assault. I still feel confused and scared and nervous and I just don't know what to do. My sister wants me to block his number... but I'm scared to and I don't know why. I don't know what to do. I know I should not answer his calls or text messages. It was like 3am and I was tired and didn't know what I was doing. I like to think I would've ignored him. I hope I would've. He said that boyfriend thing and my stomach turned at the thought. I use to love him... now... I just want nothing to do with him. And that whole "I'd die for you" --- I don't know... that was overboard to me. He was always so good at letting me down. He's never saved me or helped me or really been there for me. I don't know anymore. I am so confused and afraid. I just don't even want to deal with the situation or him or any of it. What should I do? I don't know where else to turn.

Thanks guys! I went to my primary today and am getting tested for some STDs and he is doing a pregnancy test for peace of mind.

Wow.. I... I don't know what to say. I appreciate everyone's advice. I want to stay far away from him. I am fortunate that we have no daily intereactions anymore - we use to go to the same university, but have both graduated. I'm way too afraid to press charges. I don't think I can do that. I don't want ... I don't want to be ridiculed by his lawyers. I don't want them to portray me in that light. I know they'd turn it around on me and make it my fault. Before this happened, I always thought I would know if I was sexually assaulted... and I always thought to myself "God, if that happens to me then I'd nail the bastard to the wall" but... I was wrong. I am terrified about reporting it. I just don't think I'm capable. I don't think it would go anywhere either. I know this guy and how his mind works too. I guarentee that he has no idea he did something wrong. He'd say I was overreacting. I feel a lot better knowing that I have you guys here, and knowing that I'm not crazy. I will stay far away from him. He did contact me the other night (Monday night) and I panicked. I didn't answer his phone call though so he text messaged me. It was like 1:30 in the morning too. I texted him back to say it was late and leave me be. But he actually sat there and texted me back saying that he was depressed and needed a friend and wanted me to go for a drive with him. I said no way. I realize now how dumb it was to text him back. I thought that if I responded then I could tell him to leave me alone and then he would. I thought I could say all the things I wanted to say about how what he did was wrong... and I didn't do that. I'm disappointed in myself. I wish I would've had the courage to say to him that he hurt me and that he did something wrong to me.... My other thought - because I did a little bit of reading on sexual assault... I have not gone to a doctor or anything... do i need to do that? I've never been to a gyno so I'm kind of afraid to go... Also, from what he did, is it possible to get pregnant or get an STD or anything?

Ok. I've posted before about this man. He and I have known each other on and off since about 2002. We use to be best friends but had a falling out. A few months after the falling out we were sort of friends again. Then we lost touch for a bit and started hanging out and talking around November 2005. However, the "hanging out" became sexually immediately. I'm a virgin so it was never sex. It was making out - we'd wear very little clothing - and the furthest it'd gone was him fingering me. However, I realized I didn't want this kind of relationship because it was not a commitment. It was making me feel like a booty call. I told him this and said we could only be friends. He kept pushing it - holding me in his arms, kissing my neck. I'd say stop and he'd stop for a bit but then try things again. I knew this wasn't what I wanted plus I had met a new man. A wonderful man that I was getting to know so I definitely didn't want things to continue with my "friend" especially since my interest was now with someone else. Now, I thought nothing of all of this stuff until.... about two weeks ago. I was very stupid. I still considered this guy, I'll call him Eric, a friend. I don't know why, but I did. He said we were friends and said he cared about me and I believed him. (btw, I'm 25 years old and never had a boyfriend - not sure if that's important). So, about two weeks ago I'd been going through a rough time and I was hanging on by a thread. My best guy friend and I got into a bit of a fight and that broke my tiny thread. I got totally drunk, and ended up text messaging Eric - something I barely remember doing. He responded and called me. I was crying my eyes out and he came and picked me up and brought me back to his apartment. I was pretty drunk I guess. I mean, I kind of remember the car ride there, and I sort of remember that I had a hard time getting out of the car. My head was spinning. He had to help me out of the car and to the apartment. We got inside his apartment... and he made me a drink - vodka and cranberry juice. I drank some of it, I guess mostly cause he handed it to me so I had it in my hands. I was pretty wasted as it was. I, now, somewhat remember being on the sofa in his living room but I don't remember much about it. The next thing I recall is that we're in his bedroom and I'm changing into one of his t-shirts and out of my own clothes... I dont really remember changing... or getting to the bedroom - well I remember an encounter with a wall on the way to his room, but other then that there are some blanks and I remember getting ready to go to bed - which for me meant lay down and sleep... but not for him. I lay on his bed and the next thing I remember is we're making out and he's on top of me. He only had on boxers. I was wearing a t-shirt shirt and undies. I vaguely remember him running his hands over me and fingering me. I don't know if I said no or not to that. What I do remember is that he tried to give me oral sex. I said no but he wouldn't stop. I kept saying no, come on Eric. I can't do this. It took like two or three times of me saying no, I can't do this before he stopped... that and I kept pushing him away. I also remember saying something to him about how I hate being pinned down, and that it freaks me out. But he tried to do it anyways. I don't know how but I broke my hand free from his grip - he's really super strong. I feel like I've got some blanks in there... though I did manage to fill in some blanks now that time has elapsed. I know there were two or three separate times that I said no and he didn't listen so I had to repeat it... once or twice more. I think he tried to have sex with me... I'm not sure though. I know I repeated to him that we could not have sex. I also remember him masturbating in bed next to me. I told him he should go to the bathroom but he said he wanted to do it there. I was so uncomfortable. I tried to ignore it. He knew that type of thing makes me uncomfortable but I guess it didn't matter to him. He just kept telling me I need to relax and go with it. I told all of this to my best guy friend - after we made up - and he said that what Eric did is called sexual assault. I need to know what you all think please! Eric actually tried calling me the other day and it freaked me out. I just need some opinions. I don't know how to deal with this. I don't know if it's sexual assualt or how sexual assualt is defined even. Thank you!!

Thank you! I'm trying my very best. I try to remind him that I'm always here for him. I hope that he does decide to open up and talk to me about it. I appreciate all the advice. You are all so kind and helpful. I am so clueless with this kind of stuff. I've lost loved ones before but never someone that I was in love with so I can't even imagine what he's going through and to top it off that he lost his unborn child - I couldn't begin to understand his pain. Thank you for all the advice. I check back here everyday to read the posts and hear what all of you say. You are wonderful people! I don't know what I'd do without this forum!!

Thank you guys so much! It helps to hear that. I was so confused. I just didn't understand it all. I mean, I did to an extent. But it helps with the way you guys worded it. I'm trying really hard to support him. I just don't think I know what I'm doing when it comes to that. Plus, his health isn't 100% - they found some sort of heart murmur about 2-3 weeks ago and he's been in and out of doc appts for testing and results. He keeps trying to protect me and say it's nothing and he'll be fine. But now, he's going to be in the hospital for 2-3 days and he said that the doctor's are only doing it as a precaution. So, there's that on top of everything else. As for not having contact with each other - actually... I don't think either of us could handle that. He and I are best friends. I mean, we don't get to have the intimate in a traditional way b/c we are in different states so it's like we have that in a different way - does that make sense? I don't know. I tried to go without talking to him today and I couldn't do it. I missed him too much. He's had the same thing happen.

Ok, this is going to be long, but I'll try not to ramble. (I do that sometimes). I met a guy a while back and he is amazing and wonderful and sweet and treats me like a princess. We started out as friends. He had a g/f when we met and I wasn't looking for anything anyways. I just wanted to be friends. So, when we met, his relationship with his g/f was kind of rocky as it was and not too long after we started talking - they broke up. We clicked right away and became very fast friends. We got close kind of quick too. It was like we'd always known each other. We would talk for hours and hours and hours on end everyday. Eventually, we were flirting and it was beginning to grow into more then a friendship. We would flirt and joke and tease each other. It was all going wonderfully. But, not too long ago, his ex was killed in a car crash and he was, of course, devastated. Caring for him like I do, I did my best to be there for him though there wasn't a lot I could do to ease his pain. He soon found out that she had been on her way to his house to inform him that she was pregnant. He was devastated all over again and I can only imagine how hard it all was on him. As time passed, we got closer and closer. We actual were nauseatingly cute however we weren't an offical "couple" because we live in different states. We really liked each other a lot, but the separation kept us from moving forward. About a week ago, he told me he loves me. I was thrilled. I told him I love him too. Everything was going great. We became more nauseatingly cute - sending each other love songs and calling each other by cute pet names, etc... However, he recently dropped a big big bomb on me.... and completely crushed me. He told me that back when we first started talking a lot, and he was still with his g/f that they use to fight about me - about how much he talked to me. This was something I had no idea about (I can be a bit naive when it comes to relationships - I've never had a b/f before). I apologized to him, saying that I feel terrible and had no idea. He told me it wasn't my fault and that it's been hard on him lately - knowing that she didn't like him talking to me so much, yet he did it anyways. He said he felt as though he was disrespecting her memory by falling in love with me. I told him that I'm falling in love with him too. He said to me "No. Please don't" Of course, I was stunned. I don't know how to stop falling in love with him. He told me, and I quote, "I love you. I really do, but I can't love you." He apologized to me, saying he shouldn't have gotten so attached. He told me that there are better guys out there for me. Guys that don't have so much baggage. I hate that he says this because he knows that I've got plenty of baggage myself. Everybody's got baggage, I tell him. He asks me to forget about him. I tell him that I know he doesn't want me to, but that I do love him and care about him. He just says he can't. He says that we can be friends but he can't be in a relationship. He can't love me. I told him that I didn't think he was meant to be alone and that I don't think she'd want him to be alone and that he deserves to be happy. He just tells me that he can't be in love with me anymore and he wants us to be friends. At this point, I can't say anything more to him so we try to have small talk, but it's clear that one of us is going to break soon. He breaks, saying he can't do this and has to go. At this point, I am devastated and heart broken and crying my eyes out. I love him very much and I know he loves me too. He had said that if things had been different (in regards to his ex dying) that he would've made things work. He would've come. So I know he does have feelings and he would've wanted to be with me. Then last night, we are talking and both trying to act like everything's ok and we're just good buddies and nothing more. We start to talk and then we get onto the topic of kids. And here we start talking about how many kids each of us wants. And finding out that we are similar in how many kids we want. Stuff I'm not sure if it means anything or not. Then, out of the blue, as things are going really well. He asks me if I can play hookey from work on Tuesday. He's going to be home all day and wants to "hang out" with me all day. Eventually, he asks me the question that I should've seen coming - what are our boundaries. What's ok for us to say and not say? I tell him I don't know. I mean, we use to say anything and everything to each other - sexual to silly and everything in between. I wasn't sure how to answer him or how we are supposed to go from being in love to being just friends again. So he says to me, something like - with everything that's happened and knowing now that what it was that we wanted to be, can't be - could I go back to how it was before (as in before he ended things)? So he basically is asking me if we can still talk and act the way we did before he ended things and that confuses me. Before he ended things - there were no limits to what we discussed - nothing was "inappropriate" (of course I mean within reason). Before he ended things we had cute pet names and we exchanged love songs... how are we supposed to act and talk the same if things are over?? He says that he doesn't want things to be weird, but he still stays with the same position he had on Saturday night. So we both end up saying we don't want it to be weird. We both want things to be ok. We both don't want to be able to say anything to each other like before. So, I guess that's where we stand. I guess the thing is that I really love him. I'm broken hearted - to the point where my chest actually hurts and there are big knots in my stomach. I just don't know what to do. How do you go from being in love to being friend again? Does anyone have any experience with a situation like this? Just any advice at all. This is my first smashed, crushed, and broken into a million pieces heart. Any help is appreciated.

Well just a quick update... the new year's eve thing never worked out because his grandfather died. I haven't heard from him since (he told me about it, I think the 30th)... I tried calling him but got no answer so I'm just leaving the ball in his court. I appreciate ALL the suggestions... there's so much to think about and try!!! I'll be glad when I get that chance Also, thanks for the advice on the possibility to get pregnant just from messing around. I didn't really realize that could happen. I'm wondering if I should get tested and how soon a test can tell you? Anyways, I figure along with that I should get an STD test, right? I figure if there's a possibility of pregnancy then there's a possibility of an STD. He's always told me he's clean, but I suppose it's something I should find out for myself, right? It's been about 13 days since we had our night together - is that enough time to tell both things or is it too soon? You are all the greatest!! Thanks for the help and the support. I wouldn't know what to do without this message board and without all of you... I'd be pretty alone! Thanks for being here!!! ~Jazzy~

I agree that you should accept the compliment as well. I suffered from anorexia, bulmia, and complusive overeating (for at least 13-15 years) so I understand completley about having low self esteem and a poor body image. I finally went into recovery just over a year ago. It's taken me until this point in my life to realize that I'm attractive. I still have my bad days, but overall, I feel like a decently attractive woman. It's truly a nice feeling. If you ever want to talk to anyone feel free to PM me and I'll give you my e-mail address. I'm not a therapist or anything, but I am a good listener I hope that I do hear from you. I know how hard Ana and Mia can be. Let me know and seriously feel free to PM me. I'm here