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Derek

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Everything posted by Derek

  1. Derek
    The issues brought up are outside my current experience, But it seems to me going to get help is a good idea. You aren't alone. Alot of people are on various medications. A century ago, the anti-depressants would be alcohol and smoking weed, now they have new ones that do funkier stuff. So what? Why not go for it. Many people self-medicate with adrenaline junkies or drunken binges or coffee or smokes or weed or whatever. Might as well do it right through the doctor. From what I am reading, you are feeling in an emotional rollercoaster, you want to be someone else, you're unhappy with your current state, you have body-esteem issues and your a teenager. Seems to me a process of elimination would be an intelligent way to go, of course this is easier said than done when in a rollercoaster of emotional highs or lows. Eliminate the physical influences by changing what you can control. - Eating better might keep you more even. - Sleeping better might keep you more even. (sleep apnea?) - Hormones? low dosage birth control pills? - ADHD? Eliminate spiritual influences: - Finding a spiritual center somewhere outside yourself. ( why do you exist and what is your purpose? christianity isn't a bad option to investigate ) Eliminate emotional and mental influences: - dump the boy toys - get rid of unnecessary stresses in you life, streamline, simplify, get into routines you can count on. Don't over reach beyond what you can handle right now. Starting to eliminate some of those possibile influences might help. Don't expect to change everything overnight, it has to be gradual. Try to reach smaller milestones, reachable goals and gradually change your habits and routines a little at a time.
  2. Derek
    So there was another thread that was talking about romance and one person said it was about lingerie and sex toys, others said it was about washing their car, someone else chocolates and candlelight. What do you think? Different woman like different things and it can be a personal thing, but even so, do you have examples that happened to you of what you thought was romantic? Was it romantic because of how it happened? Was it romantic because of who did it? If you were day-dreaming of something romantic to happen to you, what would it be?
  3. Derek
    So many people will be hurt... You are saying you are having an emotional affair (not physical?). You aren't getting your needs met in your marriage, so needs are being met by someone else who was close. What to do? How about just reading the other posts in the forum a few pages back and see how others have dealt and felt about it. Or try another forum like:
  4. Derek
    I am curious, what's the worst that could happen if you said to him in a lighthearted way, "Hi, I am curious how you think this thing we have between us is going to go?" or something like that? Is the truth so bad? Do women use some other method to read his mind?
  5. Derek
    Metro-girl you said: "Men who have a lot of experience and still aren't great lovers in my book, are a little on the selfish side, and no other woman has clued them in that maybe they really aren't that great in bed. They have the "experience" and they know what they want and what makes them feel good, but still not the moves it takes to be a great lover." And that is completely sensible and right to think so! You sound like a very real and practical person and of course those guys' expectations are silly when they don't have the moves themselves. They can't expect to get everything they want without any effort on their part. The answer to your question about whether men prefer aggressive women (sexually or otherwise) is in the question. Do most men "prefer"... well preference is a subjective thing. I think alot of guys are knuckleheads that need to be told directly what is going on. (me included sometimes) If you think that telling your guy what you want, what you like, what you expect is aggressive, then yes I bet most men would be flattered and glad to get over that awkward stage with some assertive directness. But aggressive to the point of clingy and desperate is probably not what most men prefer. Even so, that doesn't mean you should change who you are to accommodate loser guys who can't take the time to grow and explore with you, sexually or otherwise. They weren't worth your time anyway.
  6. Derek
    DN, you're right, and you said it better than I did. I wasn't suggesting an exchange of favors, that's definitely unhealthy. What I was getting at was setting up a situation where she is secure enough with him to actually really love him. To actually want to please him because of who he is and how he treats her and not just always be responding to pestering. So he's saying "I'm ***ing hot... I have a way with words... i.e., I get texts from random chicks I was nailing a year ago... (clearly a mark of true success in life) ... He's looking for a valid reason to dump her? Maybe she's already sensing what he's thinking in the back of his mind... (dumping) So the vicious circle is, she pulls back to not get hurt, he pulls back to prepare for the next step and in an environment like that, why would she want to have sex again?
  7. Derek
    Let me put down what I wrote elsewhere: Porn can be a barrier between the two of them. An area that he is compartmentalizing off from her. Some posters look at it together and talk about it openly. Perhaps that works for their relationship and their sensibilities. Perhaps that doesn't work for you and that is OK. You've got your values, stick to them. Don't tolerate it. Porn is like eating junk food, it's quick and easy to get, takes no effort, it's ready anytime, it's always hot, it never complains, you can always "have it your way", but it's empty and unhealthy and it makes a person lazy for the real thing and gives them unreal expectations. I've seen my share when I was young and curious but to me most of that stuff is boring. It is so easy for a guy to get addicted to it. They can become mindless zombies searching for hours for the next image/video that they fancy. It's a slippery slope into harder core stuff and pretty deviant stuff. If you put junk food into your brain, your brain will suffer for it. Porn is really about selfish pleasure. I think for a guy it has nothing to do with the woman he's with. He could be with a supermodel and superwoman and he still could get addicted to porn. He gets his ego stroked in a fantasy land of willing women that only exist for his pleasure. It's even about power and control too. (I know I'm getting too deep now) It can feed alot of things in a man's psyche. And it's like junk food for his brain and libido. I think viewing porn most often is not about his partner at all. It's usually compartmentalized away in a dark place in himself. Like other's have said though, a little bit isn't that big a concern, (hopefully it's not the tip of the iceburg), I think it becomes a problem when it's hidden, when they become addicted, when they lie about it, when it comes between the relationship, when too much time is devoted to thinking about the next fix. When too much money is spent on it. Just like junk food can. Just like gambling, drugs and even the internet itself.
  8. Derek
    aggressive is different than experienced. It sounds like the other woman was more experienced... I wonder if perhaps the word you are looking for is more passionate? more in touch with her wild side? Perhaps she was very free, she could let herself go more. Makes me think of dancing lessons. Sure having an experienced partner makes it "easier" and perhaps "faster", but if both people are learning the dance together and from each other, there is a close bond there that is different. Sounds like if you met someone who was in the same boat as you, you'd probably both learn the dance together and be the better for it. There isn't much cure for lack of experience other than experience... and perhaps a few books to fill in the knowledge required and get some ideas. =)
  9. Derek
    Good question, where's the line between self-sacrifice for love and slavery... I dunno. =) That's why they call it "Being a fool for love" =) Guy, I'm on your side, you end goal is to have frequent incredible sex right? and yes I was basically saying being a slave to her needs for a month and see what happens. At least dropping the dang topic for a while, ease off on the pressure that she must perform, might get her to wonder what's going on. Make her think you are mysterious again. Every time you bring it up I bet it's like grating chalkboard noises to her and she is turned off even more. You are never going to have great sex if one partner isn't "there" and "present" with you. We can't really change another person, you can only change yourself and give them the opportunity to change and come along side.
  10. Derek
    I'll echo and add to the advice too: Have some self-respect girlfriend... He's not treating his wife and family honourably. If he was a courageous man who followed his convictions and word, he would choose to be faithful to his family or not dilly-dally around and proceed with divorce and thus break up his family and destroy his kids' faith in how the world works. Lying is a cowardly act to avoid the consequences of the truth. Find a real man sister. He's not it. Derek
  11. Derek
    Alot of responses are saying something along the lines of "stop thinking about sex so much" or perhaps "stop being led by your member" =) But to be fair, if this guy is to be committed to this girl and him not cheat on her, she is on the only person on the planet, in the universe even, that can give him the gift of intimacy that he's looking for. If they aren't compatible in their libido levels is that a showstopper? Depends on how important that is for each of them. Others are saying that if he would give her all her needs, then maybe she will reciprocate in kind with his needs. Both parties will likely have to compromise a little. From what I can tell he is being pretty accomodating and communicative about things. Perhaps do a scientific experiment for 1-2 months, stop talking about sex, stop asking for sex, SHE KNOWS what you want buddy. Give her the little things she needs, give her the space and time. You aren't gonna explode. Hopefully she will see that you are different in your actions, not just your words. That you want her for her, not just her body. I bet that once she's secure and convinced about your intentions, she may be more willing to come to your side. If after the experiment, it seems things are still one sided and you are doing all the giving and she is doing all the taking. Take a step back, grab hold of your self-respect and confront her on the imbalance. You remember as a "animal" how you got the girls. Perhaps she needs to be romanced "a little" everyday instead of being a given? Lingerie and sex toys aren't the starting points for romance dude. Cutting the grass, washing her car, making a meal, giving a gift, babysitting her little brother with her, spending time for her to have a "real talk" with you about nothing and everything at once, that's romance.
  12. Derek
    The statistics I've heard is 1% of affairs become "real" relationships. The majority end after 6 months.
  13. Derek
    Well, if she is mentioning it, it already is becoming a problem, a barrier between the two of them. An area that he is compartmentalizing off from her. I agree with other posters that the dating sites are a bigger problem. That kind of action is a short trip to actually straying. About the porn though, don't tolerate it. It's like eating junk food, it's quick and easy to get, takes no effort, it's ready anytime, it's always hot, it never complains, you can always "have it your way", but it's empty and unhealthy and it makes a person lazy for the real thing and gives them unreal expectations. I've seen my share when I was young and curious but to me most of that stuff is boring. It is so easy for a guy to get addicted to it. They can become mindless zombies searching for hours for the next image/video that they fancy. It's a slippery slope into harder core stuff and pretty deviant stuff. If you put junk food into your brain, your brain will suffer for it. If you are totally committed to this guy, then perhaps the two of you can work on changing the habit together. With him leaning on you to help him change and open communication about it. But that is a difficult thing for a man to share. Usually it's a bad thing for a loved one to be the accountability partner. Perhaps a trusted counselor (pastor/priest) would be helpful.
  14. Derek
    If you read this forum for a while, it happens to guys just the same. Usually guys fall harder even. - "Logic tells me to stop, yet I continue" isn't that the human condition? We all do it. You are not alone! =)
  15. Derek
    well said.
  16. Derek
    Kitty4, Have you decided what you want out of relationships with guys? If you want to build something real, don't give up your cookies to him before he's being real with you. If you're not sure what you want, then I guess you'll get what you want.
  17. Derek
    That trend about passive men in today's culture is what I am pointing out. Men can still be sensitive yet strong. I am all for women to be direct and forthright in their approach to guys too, but guys can still be guys can't they?
  18. Derek
    Ok you got the eye lock, but was there a smiling follow up? I remember walking down the street and I locked eyes with a girl for about 3 seconds, then I let a small smile out and then she did and then we both ended up with big grins and she walked by and I never saw her again. (locking eyes for more than 5 seconds may get creepy/scary for girls though, like a stare, and having conversation without relaxing the eye lock to look around is bad form) *shrug* It's about the follow up...
  19. Derek
    ... girls need love too.
  20. Derek
    I'd like to add, someone who is genuine and authentically living life and curious about it, willing to have fun while learning new things.
  21. Derek
    He's not gonna care whether you are perfect, he should just appreciate that you are such a great partner that is willing to do all that just for him. Wear strappy heeled shoes, perhaps even long boots. Be a little aggressive, you might like expressing the vixen in yourself once in a while. He'll like seeing other sides of you. (excuse the pun =). Music, food, atmosphere, make sure ya gots lotsa time, privacy and no interruptions (phones). It's all good, expect that this is about fun and be willing to laugh and the act can get more elaborate later on. He is definitely a lucky guy.
  22. Derek
    Caterina, some guys might express their love through actions, through building things for you (handyman), through doing chores, through giving gifts perhaps. Is that so bad? There are guys that like to talk and have the skills to talk alot. I would agree that generally guys don't see "talk" as an action or as a way to "connect". They see it as a necessary evil to get things done. =) They are thinking about the end goal, about the bottom line, guys are thinking about the solution as soon as you start talking about the problem. It is hard for a guy to realize that "talk" has value in itself, especially for women. (I'm a guy and I know this, but I still don't feel a great need to talk to anyone, but I will if I am prompted and I would try to force myself if the relationship needed it, but at a certain point the effort outweighs the benefits) If verbal communication is a clear need for you, then there is nothing wrong with looking for that ability in a guy. Just remember that a guy can't fulfill all your needs in life, only you can. Don't look to the guy to solve all your problems and make you feel good all the time. Girlfriends are still good to have around.
  23. Derek
    annie said it better than I. And I agree with you Shysoul, it is about being confident in yourself and knowing yourself. I was thinking of how the original poster would relate to other women and the kind of attitude he could adopt to help him over the obstacles. Certainly being the best person you can be, being happy with yourself and life in general is a great way to be attractive. But I am starting to think that for men, there comes a point where we have to initiate, where we have to have the "cajones" to risk ourselves for a women. For "the" woman. For every woman. Because if we don't step up to the plate for ourselves, who is going to? You can hear the clamor of western women everywhere wondering where the real men are? (as the culture emasculates men on almost every side btw) Do it for the good of our future civilization guys! !LOL!
  24. Derek
    Ah you DID meet him in person, well that's a detail you need to include next time =) Sure girls can bring guys out of their shells, but shyness is usually not something you overcome overnight. I think being "shy" is about overcoming fear. Fear of rejection, fear of initiating the wrong way. In some ways it is selfish because a shy person thinks everyone is evaluating them every moment, but in reality not that many people are thinking about them at all. It is all in their own minds, that they aren't gonna be able to say the perfect thing, or be perfect so they are rejecting themselves in their own mind before they even try. If he likes you enough, he should be able to overcome his inihibitions though.
  25. Derek
    To the original poster, you are a med student, a scientist, Then you should know that you don't have to rely on mere genetics to be attractive. There is a science to attraction, there is a method to rapport and relationships and all these things can be skills that are learned. You don't have to give up your hope without a fight. What kind of man are you if you give up just because it is hard? Just because the odds are bad? Why not take a scientific approach to the problem, break it down into subsets and eliminate each factor that is blocking you from reaching your goals. You do that for other problems and other issues. You are learning skills in school to do the same thing. Why not apply it to this problem as well? Have you spent that amount of effort and time? Eliminate the major blockages (like for example, smell good, dress better) Add in positive elements (like new interests, step outside the comfort zone) Add in volume testing (i.e. trial and error of conversation skills on more people, more often = focusing of skills for your purpose) I have heard that guys these days have impossible expectations on the women around them. Yet guys don't apply that same standard to themselves. Why not become the person you want to attract and see how that goes? You want an athletic girl with outdoorsy interests, then how about you get your abs in shape and go to outdoorsy events where you might maximize your probability of finding someone with similar interests. I have heard that guys these days are too passive, they don't initiate because of confusion over feminism and male roles now a days. Forget about what others think. Be confident, be yourself and forget about what women think, just know what you want and go for it, like a "man" would. Pretend to be the ideal of a "man" and eventually you become one for real. What do you have to lose, what do you gain?
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