Derek

You'll save yourself and the girls you would "hit it and quit it" alot of hurt by actually caring about them. Those other guys are thinking about their buddies's opinions, their reputations, their own egos, their own selfish desires. They are weaklings, following the peer pressure and the crowd. They don't have an opinion of their own. Who among them actually cares about the girls they are "hitting"? Is that the sort of man you want to be? And when you look at the sort of girls those guys are able to "get", don't you think you could do better? Perhaps a stronger girl that might have some self-respect would be a better catch than a one night drunken pity sex?

There is the physical feelings part, then there is the other "feelings" ... Here's the physical part: I would think a way of describing the physical sensations of an orgasm might be things like: - you might feel tinglings in your genitals (blood pooling there) - all your senses (nerve endings) very sensitive and "turned on" - heart going faster - you have a feeling of euphoria, even dizziness (blood flowing away from the brain) - you are building up muscle tension - you start to not feel pain (endorphins) - for ladies you would be quite wet/moist downstairs as well, - you might feel like you have to bear down and push some, - your muscles all over your body but especially your genitals would tense a few times (or many times) uncontrollably (this is the orgasm peak part) - you might even hold your breath during that time. (about 10-20 seconds? ) - then you would feel a wave of relaxation all over, release, letting down, perhaps a little dizziness, muscles relax, tiredness, feeling especially close to your partner, feeling the after glow of the connection. Some people even have ringing in their ears (blood running away from your head) Someone correct me if I describe it wrong from your experience.

Honesty. It's quite a test for a relationship. (oddly enough, you'd think honesty was a given) But I think you are worth the investment, don't you? What you are describing is normal. (I believe it was 70% of women don't orgasm with intercourse alone?) Your va-JayJay doesn't have the nerve endings that your c-button on the outside of you does. He's gotta add a few more dance moves to his repertoire. Getting you fired up with some oral and perhaps hand work long before his Johnson touches your JayJay. =) Y'know? P.S. It's all about honest communication. Can your relationship handle it? Wouldn't it be good to know that it can? P.P.S. Maggie is right. Your body's pleasure is a mutual hobby for both of you to work together on. The crash course on your body should be a fun study experience for him.

why have a hamburger when you could wait a bit and have steak? For both men and women, the sex is better, or should I say, the best sex is when both parties are emotionally, spiritually, intellectually, whatever-lly connected. Especially for women, where it often is a complete body/mind/soul experience. If one of those pieces ain't right, then all of it ain't right. Sure, there can be times when just the physical part is nice, but it's not gonna stack up to a mutual meaningful connection in a committed safe relationship. We can do better than the Animal Channel can't we?

Oh my... Listen to Shes2smart, cuz she knows the score.

"faults are beauties in a lovers eye" - Theocritus

I think the original poster (a-luv-supastar) has alot of valid points and it's a sad observation on our culture and society that she feels "dumb and nagging" and not a "liberated woman" when standing up for what she thinks is right. I don't think anyone has cornered the market on what's right or what's best, not even "liberated women" or our movies and culture either. So why can't your beliefs be just as valid or even more so, since you've thought them through and you don't have money or power or subversive cultural changes as an alterior motive either. (like the "liberal" media). =)

Why feel like that? You are human. If you want to have a long term relationship with this guy, it is inevitable that your real side will come out. If he can't deal with the real you, then he wasn't worth it and wasn't the best for you anyway. Shouldn't a loving relationship be a safe haven, not a test all the time? Have some self-respect girlfriend, if you don't respect yourself, other people won't either. You don't need him to validate who you are. Do you?

*grin* Thanks ShySol =) I just don't have enough "game" to find the right girl yet. Being a "player" isn't me. It amazes me that with our "sex-saturated" society (movies/mags/music) that everyone doesn't already know some of these things. Doesn't Cosmo or Glamour have tips in it every week? P.S. Shy, though you are right about what the ladies want I might suggest that you don't always have to placate them. Girls like guys with their own opinion and direction on things too. They don't want a "yes-man".

*giggle* Oh, that that might be said of me someday Back to the topic at hand? Just go with the flow. See what happens after university ends. Things change alot between age 22 and 25.

I was thinking... Sammy's saying to his buddies, yeah we never have sex, its only like 1-3 times a month. She's saying to her friends, yeah he's always demanding sex, we already have it like every week, I dunno what the big deal is! Gosh! And both are right... =) Perception... When he first said that she does all sorts of things for him (gifts of service), maybe she needs that sort of thing back to feel intimate with him. Maybe for him, he doesn't need the "little gifts" but see sex as the way to feel intimate with her. So both people are trying to give the wrong thing to each other and remain frustrated because they are showing love in different languages to each other. What does she get out of this relationship? Does she get the affection she wants/needs? People talk about how typically girls can live without sex but can't live without affection, while guys can life without affection but can't live without sex.

The original post was how to "look sexy" in the bedroom. Perhaps she meant "Act sexier" too but I'll go with the "look sexy" initial assumption. There are many other things like music and lights and food and smells, but lemme stick to the "look sexier" bit. You don't have to wear an entire outfit, it can be even just one thing. But ideas I think of is if you wear a man's (his) dress shirt (white)... and little to nothing else. Wearing a big football/hockey/(insert sport here) jersey and nothing much else. Wearing a raincoat (with a belt) and scarf and boots and nothing much else. Wearing knee boots, wearing strappy shoes, and leaving them on. Body paint. Short shorts/bikini underneath something almost see through. Think of wearing many layers of different textures are slip off easily. What about a wig or hair coloring? What about a mask (Eyes Wide Shut) Belly dancer wear... Police/security uniform, school girl knee socks..., Grubby clothes worn into the shower with him (soaked jeans+t-shirt that sticks.) Daisy dukes shorts... Whatever you think would turn your guys engine on. How about dressing like a business women in a tight power suit, hair in a bun, glasses, notebook, heels. (like a legal secretary) I know that would make me want to unwrap her.

What's the worst that could happen if you said something like this with a little smile and a light take-it-or-leave-it attitude: "Hi GuyWhoIsKindaFlirtingWithMe, you know I am curious, I just may be misreading something, but I am getting the vibe that you might be flirting with me a little. Am I misreading a signal somewhere or what?" Option 1 response: "Really? Well that explains alot, why don't we talk some more sometime" Option 2 response: "No? Ok, it's your loss hon. =)"

You are being a girl and that's ok! So trust was broken with the first break-up and now you've got his nagging "ex" still on the wings making trouble for your relationship. From what you are saying he's told her sternly to leave him alone, sounds like he's got the right attitude. The only thing that is going to lay to rest the problem is time. Trust takes time to build. In the meantime, being the best "you" you can be is a good strategy. Being alive, interesting, participating with him, active with him, engaged in the relationship will be good for you and eye opening for him. You can't make up his mind for him about your relationship, but you can make it easier for him =) If it doesn't work again, then he's just not the right guy for you and it's not your fault, it's his loss.

1. Can fear of commitment scare someone so much that they lose the spark? Yes, but so what, if she is scared of the commitment, then she wasn't for you. The timing was wrong, the people were wrong, who knows. You can't wait for the person to change. If change happens, great, but you can't assume they will, you have to accept they are who they are now and won't change. 2. If she lost the spark, can time away from me re-create it? Yes but unlikely. Don't you deserve someone who is sure about you? Who likes you for you and doesn't have to play games or be unsure? You have to assume she won't and move on. The only real way for two people to re-create a spark later is if they come back together as "changed" or "matured" people. It's almost like two new people (in say a year or two's time) starting new. It's never the same "spark". That original thing is long gone. 3. Should I call her? Some of my friends are saying "No way" She broke up with you, you move on. If its meant to be, she will call back. Listen to your friends. Don't call. Move on with other prospects. If she sees you are growing up, living your life's adventure and she's missing out, then she might be interested, but not from your side. 4. Have anyone had an experience where you dumped someone, maybe because you didn't have a spark, or you lost the spark, only to have it come back when they left? Nope. But there are stories of people that have "let them go" and found they came back on their own or "didn't have their heart in the first place". Either way at least you know the true answer.

If a guy isn't being consistent, he is either playing a game, or he just isn't that into you. Don't you deserve a guy that is attracted to you enough to not play games. Who likes you enough to overcome his fear or shyness and be direct and ask you out etc.? Adults are better at fooling themselves. They have layers of rationalizations they can use to pretend with. Don't trust words. Trust actions.

My first thoughts are: she isn't ready, she doesn't have the maturity to explore the deeper levels with you yet, thus the timing is wrong. Maybe she is the right one for you, but she may not be the right one right now. Maybe she needs time on her own or even with other guys to realize who she is and what she wants. How about you tell her what you feel, but you can tell her the timing seems to be wrong for your relationship, tell her to go and find out what she needs to find out about life and you be sure to say you aren't going to wait... Maybe the realization that you aren't always gonna be "too nice" and you won't "always be available", will even out the relationship instead of it being one-sided.

I don't think men and women can be truly "friends" in the sense of sharing everything, emotionally bonding. Sure you can have guy/girl aquaintainces that you can see a movie, move furniture, go golfing with. But when you start to talk about your disappointments with your boyfriend/girlfriend with your friend and you start to talk about life's goals and really deep things. Emotionally you become attached. You have an "emotional affair" with a member of the opposite sex. And it can be a stepping stone to a physical affair but even the emotional part can be bad. Now your emotional connection needs are being met by someone other than your partner. So less "connection" time is being made with your partner and so you are slowly drifting apart... chipping away at the bonds you've had. Eventually it will completely break down. Interestingly an emotional connection can be more devastating than a physical one, especially for a woman. It's an affair of the heart, not just the body. For men and women? friendships sure but close friends or best of friends is troublesome. Your partner should be your best and closest friend.

Ok, I will go with the assumption that you are starting with an emotionally, physically healthy relationship. (even though many in the thread would dispute that assumption) You specific question was how to brooch the subject. How to talk about it. You said he seems to feel shame sometimes, he seems embarrassed to talk about it. The best time to talk about it is not in the moment it is happening because emotions are high and confrontation will probably be high drama situation. Perhaps after a dinner, everyone is satisfied and happy and calm, curled up cuddling on the couch together, TV off, distractions off. Softly, calmly, maintain eye contact, don't raise the voice... Talk about how his actions make you feel. "I feel"..., give him time to respond, don't place blame, try to stay on an informational level (just the facts) and not emotional, avoid using "always" and "never", try to echo back what they said in your words so they know you really heard them, "so by saying that you mean..." "You know honey, I really feel like second best when you look at those pictures. I feel more distant from you when you close off from me like that. I am worried for you that you are spending so much time on this that the rest of your life is going to suffer. I want you to have the best life and to be happy with yourself and with me. Are you unhappy about something that's making you escape to the porn? Are you scared about something that's making you escape away? I feel rejected and hurt when you do that. " (Freg, I don't know either exactly what to say =) You use your own words and what works with him. Try using a word picture. Tough love sometimes means hurting the one you love by telling them they are wrong in this case. I don't think you can be his therapist though because you are too close. A priest/rabbi might help, a counsellor, a trusted person that could come alongside and lead him to some help. Accountability etc. Let me add, that a healthy guy in a healthy relationship would not want to be hurting his partner continuously over and over. If it was something that physically hurt you every time he did it. Would he still do it? Maybe he'd like to stop, but can't and that's not your problem, it's his. From what I've read, I think you are meeting his sexual needs very well and millions of other men would be grateful being your husband with the physically frequency and flexibility (quickies) you've already describe. Of course there is more to life than just sex, but don't sell yourself short. You have alot to offer people and you are more than just his partner. You are more than just someone he supported through hard times, you had to have strength too. You have an individuality that you should cultivate and not have to suppress because of past guilt or an "entitlement" you are giving him. A man supporting you through a hardship should be the norm, not the exception. Whether he is your lover or not, a human being should help another human being in need. Just because he did, doesn't make him a saint. That should be what everyone does shouldn't it? You are worth it aren't you? (That's the biggest question of all really)

I wrote about this before: ========= Porn is like eating junk food, it's quick and easy to get, takes no effort, it's ready anytime, it's always hot, it never complains, you can always "have it your way", but it's empty and unhealthy and it makes a person lazy for the real thing and gives them unreal expectations. It is so easy for a guy to get addicted to it. They can become mindless zombies searching for hours for the next image/video that they fancy. Porn is progressive and one has to get more and different stuff to keep up the same buzz (like drugs) and it's a slippery slope into harder core stuff and pretty deviant stuff. If you put junk food into your brain, your brain will suffer for it. Porn is really about selfish pleasure. I think for a guy it has nothing to do with the woman he's with. He could be with a supermodel and superwoman and he still could get addicted to porn. He gets his ego stroked in a fantasy land of willing women that only exist for his pleasure. It's even about power and control too. (I know I'm getting too deep now) It can feed alot of things in a man's psyche. And it's like junk food for his brain and libido. Men may not be happy with themselves and porn is a place of solace too, where they feel in control, their personal pleasure palace. I think viewing porn most often is not about his partner at all. It's usually compartmentalized away in a dark place in himself. Like other's have said though, a little bit isn't that big a concern, (hopefully it's not the tip of the iceburg), I think it becomes a problem when it's hidden, when they become addicted, when they lie about it, when it comes between the relationship, when too much time is devoted to thinking about the next fix. When too much money is spent on it. Just like junk food can. Just like gambling, drugs and even the internet itself. ========== In some ways, it is a problem now and you can't sweep it under the rug because it is becoming a barrier between you and him. He's compartmentalizing himself off from you. He's locking the door to you. (And you want to marry this guy?) What else will he compartmentalize? And the pattern you are reinforcing for him is that it's ok for him to do this, you will just "suffer" for him. It's one thing to "suffer" his snoring or other quirks, its another thing to "suffer" a serious addiction. People with addictions lose their jobs, lose their families, lose their whole lives. As a person you love, wouldn't you want the best for him? Certainly you can't solve it for him, but you could help him get help. (counsellor) So he helped you through your problems and now he's got a problem. (6 hours at once, every day, every moment you are away, sounds like he's crossing the line into to an addiction.) In some ways, he needs to let go and lean on you a bit perhaps to get some help. If you both overcome this, you would be a stronger and more honest couple for it. P.S. I find it hard to explain the addiction to a woman, but it could be like being addicted to Romance Novels or being addicted to Chat Rooms, online boards or Role Playing Games on the internet. A woman can get the attention, affection, conversation, romance that they are longing for but on their own terms. They don't have to deal with another real person with needs and expectations and different desires than their own. It's kinda like The Sims. Building a fantasy world to escape to.

Shadows_Light, Thanks for confirming from a female perspective =) I meant exactly that about the "flat" of the finger and about indirect pressure, you said it well. Getting into "techniques" is almost too difficult to do with just words (and too graphic perhaps =), the original poster is a teenager, he's got time to figure stuff out with his girl.

I wonder if you realize that "fingering" isn't always like porn films show. The in-out motion is nice but not all that for a woman. For a woman, working the external is more bang for the buck at first, per se =) Same with oral sex. I am thinking you are using porn films as your education on technique which is bad. Orally do you use your entire tongue over the entire area not just constantly "flic" on her button? Seems like she's getting "sensitive" before she needs to, which sounds like you're spending too much time on one thing. Someone else can give better advice on techniques. There are real educational websites that have good advice.

Dude any time your member wants to take a break, you've got 10 fingers and a mouth, use them. It's all the better for her in that case then. Sex is about more than intercourse alone yo.

How to make it better for her? Depends on her. I'll just supposed that she's somewhat typical. Try to have something that touches every sense she has. Smell/taste/touch/visual/hearing. What kind of atmosphere do you have? Do you have candles/incense for a nice smell, some girls like "leather" smells and musky smells too, adding some fruits/chocolate/syrop/whipped cream for taste? Adding in some fluffy pillows or perhaps leather gloves or feathers or whatever for some touch variations, or a massage/oils/tub before. For visual? what about warm low lighting, black lights, glow in the dark stuff, flowers, petals, stuff to look at. And for hearing, what about music/atmospheric sounds (Ambient, nature, spa sounds) or if she likes jungle,heavy metal, or country have a mix CD on. If she likes it club-loud or soft background, do that. Guys usually are thinking about "techniques" cuz that's how guys think first. "Press red button, then this happens, press blue button, then this happens". But girls can be more complex than that,. On the other hand, once in a while, they'd be happy with you pressing their buttons too. About doggystyle, she doesn't have to stay on all fours, her head can be down on the pillow, her back could be arched. Funny, but when you say she trembles and she has an "itchy" feeling all over, well maybe she already has been climaxing.

Ash's advice was right on. I think finding and working through the uncomfortableness through reassuring words, through actions (towels/tub) could be a fun bonding experience. Tell her that you'd like to make her body's pleasure a hobby for both of you. You need her to guide you a little and you need her to trust you a little to explore the next level together. I think having an initial clitoral orgasm through oral will get her warmed up, then intercourse for yourself (perhaps), then go back to oral with g-spot finger stimulation for the big finish for her might be a good strategy. About the screaming thing, I think people tend to hold their breath to make it last while going over the edge. The screaming thing isn't that indicative. Don't trust the porn films as educational! They tend to be visually/audibly stimulating for guys but the scenarios are not in positions or situations that would work well for a woman in real life.