Derek

I think that's perfect... With a wink and a smile...

hmm, just a friendship, not a relationship? Then be a friend I guess... I dunno, perhaps there are some differences with girls vs boys. Guys would be happy with you just hanging and not talking. Guys would watch movies/sports, playing video games and doing stuff. Girls might need a little more. Perhaps listen sympathetically to their problems. Be there when they need help. (moving?) Be interested in what they are interested in (interior decorating? cooking? karate?) Pay attention to the details (send a birthday card) Be the non-intimidating guy friend that they need to take to weddings once in a while. =) Women like to empathize with each other. They share that they are all feeling the same way together. (which creates very strong bonding and an immediate sensitivity to relationships/trust connections) So when she shares a story, all her female friends get to add on to the end of the story, their story which is similar to hers and shows that she is not alone in her feelings. So you can do the same thing. Hope that helps,

It's not just what you say, but how you say it. Be lighthearted about it. Don't come down all heavy on him like a possessive girlfriend. I think next time you see/talk to him, just call him out in a light-hearted way. Say it with a smile and a chuckle, something funny like: "hey boo, you said you'd call last weeked and you didn't so I thought I'd head out with my other boyfriends on the side since you weren't giving me the attention I deserve yo." *laugh* Perhaps that's too direct for you, then say what you feel comfortable with but I think you can say something but your attitude should be "I respect myself enough to not suffer crap behaviour from you, I am the prize here, it's your loss if you lose me, I've got many more prospects lined up", whether it's true or not. If you value yourself first, then he will value you more. But what do I know, I'm not a girl, I'm no expert on taming and keeping men.

I am curious about the ages involved. But even so, it seems he's faded away from your description. So thereforeeee, even though it felt magical and cinematic, endings aren't always like Hollywood. The only steps forward is to let time take its course. Maybe he will come around, maybe he won't. In either case, the best steps for you is to let him be and build your own life, see new people, have new interests. I am convinced that with some time and the new persons and activities in your life that your feelings will fade just the same. If he comes back later, you are in a more rational place to deal with him directly and honestly without the emotional turmoil because you'll have perspective on it then. I'd suggest to not initiate contact from your end for 6 months even.

Well I am agreeing with Poco and FCtex too, I'm saying she should ask him directly and honestly, and if he doesn't step up like a real man and be honest with her, she should stop dancing the two step with him and move on. =)

because human beings are selfish animals and rarely rise above that... altruism is not the norm, especially when alone. Individualism is king?

In the original example, me- "hey" them- "Hey" me- "how are you doing?" them- "good I guess..." me- "oh well that's good" them: "..." The mistake was the "me" person not following up on the opening "good, I guess" and also giving the useless "how are you doing?" which many people is just a habitual greeting. It's not a real question. If you don't have time to follow up the question then don't ask it at all. You could say "I hope things are good" instead of "how are you doing" It was a meaningless conversation, but "them" could have screwed up "me" by actually answering honestly with "not too good, my dog died" instead of the cop-out. Both people weren't being honest, but sometimes in the interest of time and social norms and "social pulp" people just let the surface crap go by. That's life I guess... Break up the "norms" with humor and honesty. It usually is refreshing because everyone else is probably as bored as you.

Conversation takes two people and it doesn't always work in a prescribed way. Sometimes I've had great talks that go deep and shallow and funny and sad and back again without a hitch. Other people there is some strange hesitation and weird vibe that just doesn't click right. So it's hard to give advice that fits in all situations. But you can start with icebreakers, that lets you flow into other subjects that may be more interesting. People need to warm up the conversation juices at first usually. (That's why people talk about the weather since it is the most common obvious subject that everyone can comment about) I'll give you some practical icebreakers when you have nothing to start with: Play some games like: "what's your favorite..." (ice cream, movie, music, books, actor) "I have never..." (bungee jumped, lied to my best friend, stolen candy, broken a bone) Look up "icebreakers" on google, there are books out with ice breaker questions to make you think. Having a few of those up your sleeve Also if you have an interesting life with stories to tell, you can fill in the spaces with stuff that is going on, but be sure to not dominate the conversation which means asking questions of the other person. Ask follow-up questions. Then like 5 minutes later, ask a follow up question of something they talked about 5 minutes ago (then they know you were paying attention) (i.e. you said a few minutes ago that you broke your arm when you were little, what was that like?) Find common interests and expand on them. Get them to talk about their friends and their immediate concerns, what's on their mind. Give your two cents but not too much at first. Kinda need to feel it out. Since you knew this girl 2 years ago, then you have lotsa stuff to reminisce about and to fill in stories from your side too. Hopefully things would have loosened up into a comfortable exchange rhythm after a bit on the phone. To become good at conversations is really about practice and being a generous listener and paying attention to the details. (Don't be distracted by a T.V.)

Just waxing philosophically about "way to a man's heart is the stomach"... I think the idea that grandma used to use was not just about "cooking" but the general spirit of the idea is to care for her man's needs. There is definitely something to be said for good meals. It's not just the technique or execution of it, I wonder if it is seeing the willingness of his girl to care and create something for him, for only him. It could apply to making love and to how she dresses and such too. A part of all us is still cavemen. P.S. I think getting all motherly on a guy and him accepting that is usually a bad relationship sign. (i.e. mutual dependence)

What's the worst that could happen if you asked him these same questions directly? Don't make it heavy or dramatic, just light-heartedly and with a shrug in the shoulders, perhaps ask something like "Hey, the other day when you _____, I didn't quite get what that meant, I'd like to know what you're thinking..." If you can't communicate honestly now, (and you already had sex after all), maybe that's a bad sign for the future? BTW, most guys are pretty simple creatures with most things and are happy with very few simple things. (food,tv,sex) So I bet it's not as bad as you think.

Hmm, I think good qualities for a girl is being a woman that is confident in herself, knows where she is going in life, doesn't "need" a guy but is willing to have a partner in her life's adventure. She's got common sense about things, she has a sense of humor about things which usually means she's smart and well rounded and well educated in the school of life. (college or not). Perhaps she is close to her family and knows what real love is like and what it's not like. She's got goals and interests and she can communicate passionately about them. She's willing to be adventurous sometimes but not recklessly. She can be honest about what she's thinking and feeling and can call a guy out if he's being dumb without belittling him. Sure, a guy's biology may make him look twice at the "tart"-ed up girls sometimes but usually it is in response to a vague curiosity that passes quickly. A quality guy will take the time to hunt below the mere surface for the better qualities in a woman. Watch for those kinds of guys and make sure they get to see what you are like on the inside by being honest with them when they come to investigate. Often guys grow out of the "looking for a supermodel" beauty myth when they get older too. P.S. I hear "supermodels" tend to be lonely because they get treated as objects and toys first and only rarely find genuine love that goes deeper than that.

Dude, don't put your eggs in one matchmaking site. You get different types of people at different places. Like "link removed" vs "link removed" vs link removed vs link removed etc. All might have different types of people in them. I would sign up for free trials at all those different ones and browse what kind of people are on there before paying any money. Some sites may have no one from your area(city). How about trying speed dating too.

Go with the new guy... Once the old guy has you under his wing again, he'll take you for granted again. You are young, take a risk on the young guy. Think of that song, "when you have the choice to dance or sit out, I hope you dance..." The old guy is the one without options anymore.

Well, she didn't put in much effort... so I guess it wasn't meant to be, but I am trying to keep my thoughts straight so I can get it right the next time. =)

You are sleeping together yet you haven't said "I love you" ? ... Why is physical intimacy so much easier than emotional intimacy...

LOL, probably I shoulda posted in the Break Up section, I guess the Dating section is full of hopefuls =) Perhaps I just was venting a bit... Sure, I would like companionship, I just don't feel I *need* or *crave* a relationship to be complete. I wonder if something is wrong with me. Maybe what I am getting at is I wish I had a woman that would remind me what true love is. Where I can't live without them in my life. Where life is almost physically painful without them. Yet it is true guys shouldn't need a woman to validate their lives. On the other hand, it does a male psyche good to hear encouragement from a good woman. *shrug* maybe I am not articulating what I'm thinking enough. Is love worth the effort?

*brain dump of thoughts follow...* I had a nice summer romance for a few months, then got the "lets just be friends" thing a few weeks ago. I had met the parents and family and it seemed like everything was going well and we were at the point of really investing in knowing each other but I guess some "chemistry" was missing, she didn't explain. You know an unwritten rule in society is that people are supposed to need a partner right? It's not good to be lonely they say right? Even the bible says it's not good for "man" to be alone. But I don't feel particularly lonely, I am close to my family and friends. I shrug my shoulders at this girl and figure it's her loss. I just feel indifferent. Perhaps I am indifferent so that I don't let myself feel hurt. I don't need someone to cook for me or care for me, I don't need a second income to pay for my toys. I have an established career, car, house etc. Of course none of those things keep you warm at night (except maybe the car ... ) I'd be happy with a fun conversation partner that wants to grow and learn together in life. I dunno what expectations people have for relationships these days anymore. But if sex and children were taken out of the equation, I look at the relationships I have had and those around me and I wonder that they are a source of drama and complexity that seems over-rated. So I look at the cost-benefit analysis of most women and I have yet to find a woman that comes out positive for me. Perhaps I have yet to meet "the one" that does come out positive but I seem to be turning cynical. And in my heart I still want the romantic ideal... I'm crazy. Sure I've had female friends that I've had great conversations with and enjoyed the companionship. But I don't need to have a girlfriend or wife to do that either do I? I can have those conversations with guys friends too anyway. Is it supposed to be that I need to commit to a long term relationship so that I reach closer intimacy (emotional/spiritual etc.). Is that the benefit that I am missing so far? Who needs that kinda vulnerability either? What is it good for? Why be vulnerable to each other and then fall apart anyway? Is it really true that it is better to have loved and lost? I've heard people say that humans need a "witness to our lives" or something like that. And people want partners to make families together (more drama?) Why am I supposed to need a woman again? Someone remind me...

seems that part came true, no matter what you chose to do... I would think he can't continue the friendship because it hurts to do so when you are right there in front of him. Perhaps in a few months or a year the feelings would fade a bit and he could handle more contact again then. He was willing to risk it all, you weren't. Sounds like you have lots of friends. Let him find himself and get himself back together for now.

If the dude is so open and honest and such a good communicator, surely he could handle you saying that you think he could kiss better. Make a joke of it a little, Put on a baseball cap and a whistle, and tell the guy you are going to become his make-out Coach. You want to take him to the next level and he needs to practice with you until you are satisfied. =) Why can't you have the courage to be direct about it and let him have a chance to step up to the plate. You are going to throw all the good stuff away just to spare his hurt feelings? I am sure he'd be happy to be a little hurt now to turn around and be much improved in making you happy. I think being direct shows you are confident, respect him and trust him enough to be honest. He'd appreciate that more than platitudes like "you are such a nice guy, let's just be friends, it's not you, it's me..." But if the "kissing" thing is just an excuse for an overall general feeling of not being attracted. Well, chemistry takes two and I guess your side is just not that into him. Best to move on.

Why do men and women have to pretend to not need each other to then finally find each other?

I wonder if some sort of "No Contact" - lite is the way to handle this situation? Like for your own self respect, you gotta take a stand and live your life looking ahead instead of waiting for her. ... instead of waiting ON her... Perhaps just go and be happy doing other things and she'll have to decide if she wants to be part of your life's adventures or not. ... or not? I have been in a similar boat and I don't quite know the answer. Is the answer that "Time will tell?"

Did ya try a shoulder or foot massage? Just listen to her for a bit, don't try to solve her problems. Empathize with her and let all the things of her day wash over you, then see how she feels after that. Guys don't need to be afraid of girls expressing themselves. You've got broad shoulders right? Funny how a woman's emotions are like hot potatoes to guys, they can't deal with them. But really they don't have to.

I bet if you work at a bar, your hours are late. You are probably missing all those guys that are out in the mornings. (you know all 3 or 4 of them? =) I've heard that night owls are often attracted to early birds and vice versa. Maybe find a way to meet the guys that are on a different schedule from you. Perhaps a gym in the morning or noon time? A yoga class? Rollerblading? A biking or hiking or camping social group? co-ed casual Softball? volleyball? Usually those kinda team sports are always looking for girls that show up.

Don't get a guy just to get a guy yo! As a bartender, you should know all about relationship problems. Usually they stem from bad initial assumptions and dishonesty from the start. Going into a relationship with the attitude of "I don't like being single for too long" is kinda a bad start no? I think getting to the outside of your normal circle of friends and aquaintances would be good. (As in talk to the sober friends =) And go to events and stuff that are a little outside the norm. Maybe go to a latin caliente club and learn some dance moves or something. Maybe go to some classes to learn something new and meet people there. Maybe go learn to kayak or some outdoorsy stuff and meet an outdoorsy guy. I think making a life for yourself will make you feel better about yourself and meet a guy on the side at the same time.

Sounds like the girl meant: "he's dependable to lean on in times of crisis" secure, safe, reliable, loyal etc. etc. does what's expected... ... dependable can be interpreted that way.