jenniferlh

I am just asking for trouble in this situstion, but I can't stop dwelling on it. I am dating a wonderful man, but I see we have our differences. There is a new woman in our office and the more I get to know her I realize she is perfect for the man I am dating. This is consuming me. Everytime she laughs, I think "He would be better with her because she is so happy" or when she talks about being competitive in game playing, I thing "He is competitive in games too, they are made for each other."They both like this and they both like that, blah, blah, blah. It's killing that I am not all these wonderful things she is. I started to tell him how much they have in common and even though he says he is not interested in her, I still can't let this go. He dosen't know her as well as I do, so maybe once he does get to know her better, he will realize how great she is and he would be better off with her and that's the end of me. I know I am probably turning him off by doing this and the more I continue to tell him about her, I am just pushing him closer to her. But, I can't stop. How do I stop?

No. I hve not left my current boyfriend for the new one. My boyfriend started coming to my couseling sessions. He has a tendency to minipulate me; charm me; tell me what he thinks I may want to hear. By going to my couseling sessions with me, I figured he would have a less chance of "snowballing" her. I think hearing what I was trying to get accross to him, from another person, gave him further insight. The sessions were not actually couples counseling. If I choose to reconcile with him, we definatly will need to go into a couples situation. Did I respect him? Absolutely. Did I love him? Absolutely. Did I respect myself? No. By leaving after 10 years, he has found that act to be respectable. I spoke to him last evening to clarify the "no respect" issue. He retracted his statement by saying he only meant that he did not respect my opinions and did not treat me in a respectable way. Is there a difference?

In counseling my boyfriend of ten years said that he did not respect me. He feels this is something he can change. After 10 years, can you begin to respect someone?

The new guy is wonderful. He is the most caring, honest, loving and giving person I ever met. Our relationship is not a physical one, though we are intimate. I never felt the love or caring or concern from my boyfriend as I do from this guy. We are good friends too. This is all so new to me, because my relationship with my boyfriend has always been one sided. I just can't believe that my relationship with my boyfriend is coming to an end. It's so hard for me to believe it will be over. After 10 years, it's hard.

This is my 5th post. Anyone who has read my previous messages know that I have split from my boyfriend of 10 years for various reasons. After I left he begged for a second chance. All the reasons are in my previous posts. We decided to go to counseling. In the first session he told the counselor that he did not respect for those 10 years, but feels he can now. Can you know respect someone after all that time? On a scale from 1 to 10 he showed me a 4 for love and attention. Is that all I'm worth? And of course he can show me he loves me now. He knows that our relationship was never an "us" because he never knew what he wanted. Of course now that I am gone, he knows what he wants. In our second session he says that he didn't know how bad I was hurting. Yes I would express my feelings, but than everything would be back to normal. What was I supposed to do, keep fighting everyday?! What saying at every Christmas "Were you disappointed you didn't get a ring?" Oh, no that dosn't hurt. Or, "If you are not happy then just leave". Oh. yeah that dosn't hurt. And my favorite after being together 9 years: "If we havn't been married by now, you should know better." The kicker was when he said "I just never thought you would leave me". That's just some examples. And he didn't know I was hurt, because...? Yeasterday calls to tell me that he misses me and loves me and he knows now that I am the most important thing to him. I asked him why it took him 10 years to realize this. He said he always loved me, but because all of his confusion of what he wanted, he never realized how much he truly loved me. I am just so angry. Mostly because I still love him. How can I still love someone who after 10 years didn't love or respect me. Am I nuts to think about going back?

I know exactly what you are going through. I can only imagine the dorment you are feeling. Though I am not legally married, I have been with my boyfriend for 10 years. I understand where everyone is coming from as far as the counseling goes. But, as we both understand, once your heart is with someone else, all the counseling in the world will not let you release yourself from those feelings. I can understand if you feel selfish, but I don't think you are. If you feel this strongly about this "true love" and stay with your wife, your life will continue on, but are you really living? You can not change your wife, she is who she is. You have to do what's right for you. God gave you one life to live. You may have married your wife, because at the time you thought this is what was right for you. I believe "your love" came back to for a reason. You have been given a second chance to truly be together. Don't let her go.

I can see your point of the grass being greener. I have worked with him for quite sometime on a professional level, so I had a good sense of who he was before we got involved. I have been romantically involved with him for five months. That time has given me a pretty good idea of what kind of man he is. This is not like a sexual relationship. I have been with him variuos situations and I like what I see. It is like day and night between the two guys. I was 22 when I became involved with my boyfriend. I am now 32. It's almost like I grew up with him. Well, sort of. He was 41 when we got together, so technically he was already grown-up. So it's just hard to let go after all that time.

I have been with my boyfriend for 10 years. He was the love of my life. But in time I realized I was not the love of his. There was a lack of love and respect on his part and he made no commitment of marriage towards me. His only concern was about himself, never us. Long story short; I stayed because I felt it was "good enough". Things were not awful, but it certainly was not the relationship I was hoping to have. My fear of being alone and starting a new life kept me there as well. He controlled vertually everything in our life and in time you just come to accept it. In May I met someone at work. He was the most kind, generous, and thoughtful person I hace ever met. He showed me what a real relationship could be like. By June I could no longer stay at home. So I separated from my boyfriend and moved to a new place. True, I only separated from my boyfriend because if the relationship with the new guy did not work out, I could go back home. Once I made the move, my boyfriend begged for a second chance. He told me that he now knows what he wants; he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and he can change and love and respect me the way I deserve to be; he will stop putting himself first and start seeing us as an "us". Now that I had all these feelings towards the new guy, I could not just let him go in the hopes that after 10 years my boyfriend could become what I already found in the new guy. My problem is that I am scared. I feel like I was living on an island for 10 years. It's what I knew, it's where I felt comfortable. But, there were natives on the island. Somedays the natives were quiet and it was okay. Other days the natives were restless and things got bad. Then one day a new island appeared in the ocean. It was a safe, loving and happy island. Only in order to get to the new island, I need leave my comfortable and familiar island, jump into shark infested waters and swim to the new one. That's how I feel. I know how wonderful my life could be with this new guy, but my fear of losing my "safety net" keeps me from moving forward. I don't know what to do.

I loved my boyfriend so much. But there were problems from the very beginning. I always wanted to have a close relationship with him. I was so blinded by my love for him that I accepted that he did not return the love. In fact I accepted alot for the sake of love. It wasn't like his was really bad to me, but it was like I gave him the cake with icing and he gave me the leftover crumbs. He was very selfish and I allowed it. I convinced myself that it was okay that we were not married even though I really wanted to be and he knew this. I could have accepted not having the legal paper, but we didn't even live like married people. It was always mine and his, never ours. I never felt secure in the relationship because I never knew if and when he would leave me. One day he would say "Don't worry we'll get married" and the next day say "You don't want to marry me". He let me know that he was commitment phobic. When I would complain about things, his response was "If you are not happy then just leave". Or if I expressed my feelings about the lack of love, he gave me the excuse that he came from a non-loving family and it was hard for him to express his feelings. He liked living the life of a single person with all the benefits of having a wonderful girlfriend waiting at home for home. Again I allowed it. He would go out drinking and come home drunk or golfing all day long and come home drunk. The past 2 years have been the worst. I was turning 30 and re-evaluating my life and began to become depressed about alot of things; mainly our relationship. He was so unhappy all the time because he was turning 50 and having problems with it; on top of not knowing what to do about our relationship. In November we bought a house together. In my mind I thought we are finally going to become a "we" and "us". I was happy until he told me that this house "will make us or break us". He did it because we needed to "poop or get off the pot". Again I was feeling so unhappy. Then in April I met the new guy and it was like the heavens opened up. He was amazing. Just the way he looked at me was unreal. It was like I was starving for years and he was the food. I fell for him right away. By June I could no longer stay at home. The new guy gave me the encouragement I needed to leave. I only separated from the boyfriend. I did not completely break it off from him. Here is the boyfriends story: When I left. all of the sudden now he wanted to get married and have a family and didn't want to live the "single" life anymore. All of the sudden I was the most important person in the world to him. And begged me to give him another chance. He never dreamed I would ever leave him. Since I've been away he says that he now realizes what he wants and what is important to him. This experience has been a huge eye opener. He says he knows he took my love for granted and that he was selfish. That since he didn't know what he wanted for his life he couldn't fully show me his love. But now that I am what he truly wants, he can show me what I mean to him. He wants me to give him a second chance to show me he has changed. I don't know what to do. Should I give him a second chance and risk losing the person who already is showing me what I want? Or just let go ( which will be hard) and move on with my life. PS: the boyfriend does not know about the new guy. Thank you so much for listening.

After 10 years of giving and giving love to my boyfriend and 10 years of him taking it and not giving it back, I finally left. My life was him. Whatever he wanted to do I did. Whatever he wanted I gave it to him. I did everything to keep him. It was very rarely recipricated. He never wanted to get married because he didn't know what he wanted in his life. He had all these dreams of living the single life and being able to come on go as pleased; golfing and drinking with his buddies. I allowed him to live this life because since I loved him so much, I was willing to accept it. After 10 years of being together I finally left. The minute I said I was leaving he pleaded with me not to leave and give him a second chance. He realizes now that he know longer wants to live the single life, he wants to settle down and have a family too. He said he can show me the love I deserve and we can have the relationship I have always wanted. Not that it is a major issue, but I am 32 and he is 51. My problem is I still love him and it would be easy for me to go back home, but after 10 years can I believe him that things will change. He may do so for a little while and then get back into the comfortableness of the relationship. I am scared that if I go back and in a year or two things will back to the way they were, I amy not be able to leave again. Can people change?

I have been in a relationship with a man for 10 years. I am 32 and he is 51. I' ve loved him more than anything else. I have always put him first. I have always showed him unlimited amount of love and affection. He never knew if he wanted to get married. I've always accepted this because I was in love. It took us 5 years to move into together and finally we bought a house together after 9 years. Not because I didn't want to, but because it was very difficult for him to make a decision about our future together. The age difference may become a factor in the future and we were uncertain about having children. I have been unhappy for sometime now. I just felt that we were not as close as I wanted to be and that love was not given back. Even though we weren't married, we still didn't even live as a married couple. No joint anything. There were many times I thought I should leave but couldn't. Recently I met someone who has shown me what a real loving relationship could be like. My boyfriend are separated, but it is still cheating. Now that I've left my boyfriend says to give him another chance. He knows he was confused about our future but now he knows what he wants and that he can change and be the person I am looking for and that he is ready to get married. Should I leave him for the love I was looking for or give him another chance?