LostInTX

I'm 40 years old and have been married for 14 1/2 years. We have a teenage child. Here's the story, sorry if it's so long. When I was 17 years old, I met a girl who I just fell head over heels in love with. Of course, it was puppy love and we both knew that. It was during a summer camp kind of thing and we both lived in separate states. We kept in contact for a while via letters and phone calls then we lost touch. I always knew she was special and I always held a place in my heart for her. We tried to get together a few times but could never quite pull it off. Either she was seeing someone or I was but both of us knew that we needed to get together, something kept pulling us. Seven years later, we talked. She was married and had a child but she was unhappy and had filed for divorce. Her marriage was not a healthy one to say the least. When we got together, I could look into her eyes and see how much she cared for me. I saw that same look when we were teenagers. It was kind of wild to be honest. Amazing to be able to see the love in her eyes. Our relationship as teenagers was never sexual, we just fell for each other. When we got together, everything felt so right for both of us and we made love. It was the most incredible feeling of true love that I have ever felt. While making love, she came out and told me that she truly loved me. Afterwards, she got scared, didn't want to hurt me, didn't want to bring me into the middle of her troubled marriage. I told her I would wait, but she pushed me away. I was crushed as I knew she was THE one for me. There was no doubt about it, none. We lost touch primarily because I didn't want to complicate her life. I wanted to give her room to get through her divorce and to make sure I wasn't coming into her life at a time where she was confused. She also pulled back a little bit which confused me. I do know that I loved her with my every being. About 6 months later, I met another girl. I was still hurt and confused about the "love of my life". This new girl was completely opposite of my love. We started dating and hit it off pretty well. We moved quickly and a few months later, moved in together. She was a sweet girl, shy and reserved. The love of my life was a lot like me, free spirits enjoying life. I figured the new girl was what was supposed to be, maybe God was sending me a message. So, 15 months after moving into together, 17 months after we met, we married. She immediately became pregnant on our wedding night. Our child was born premature 6 1/2 months later. We settled into married life with our new child. I never forgot about my "true love". I would think about her on occasion and wonder if she was able to reconcile with her husband. But, I was married and had a family so when ever she entered my mind, I tried to forget. About 5 years into our marriage, I was restless and anxious. We both worked a lot and passed each other coming and going. I met a lady that reminded me a lot of my true love and we started an affair. I didn't know why then and I didn't even realize that this ladies spirit reminded me of my real love. My wife found out and we reconciled and I felt horrible for putting her through the whole thing. My wife is a wonderful person honestly. As I said, my wife and I are different people. We do enjoy each others company but there is no passion. She is my friend and we do have a good relationship. However, I have always felt that something was missing. We were different and I felt like I had changed my personality and my spirit to fit hers. I'm not as outgoing as I used to be and it's just like we're too comfortable. Back to my true love. I had tried to find her several times over the years via the internet but no luck. I would think about her often and dream about us being together. The stars just never aligned properly for us. I had a girlfriend...she didn't. She had a husband...I was single. It just went on like this for a long time but both of us always knew deep down that we were meant to be together. A couple of weeks ago, I found her right where I left her. Amazing...all the emotions started to rush to my heart again. So, I emailed her a friendly note just to say hello. Long story short, she never remarried. I moved from where I lived to another state 1000 miles away. I was married with a family. It seems that fate always kept us apart but all of a suddent, fate dealt us a different situation. Turns out, she travels to my town every month and was scheduled to come here in a week. We talked via email and phone quite a bit and decided that we had to see each other again. Both of us agreed that we were meant to be together. She understood that I was married and did not want to do anything to interfere with the marriage. She said she would see me if that is what I really wanted. So, she came to town and we got together. It was great, just like we never were apart. We did kiss and both of us really wanted to make love but we didn't. We just held each other. I looked into her eyes and could see straight through to her heart, I knew she loved me. We talked quite a bit and she explained that she always loved me and never remarried because she never felt the love for anyone like she did for me. She did not in any way attempt to convince me that I should leave my wife/family, she's just not that type of person. We spent as much time together as we could. I had feelings and emotions that I hadn't felt in so very long. I missed her desperately and always have. I've missed so much not being with her and I don't ever want to miss anything again. Now, back to my wife. She's a great girl...very smart. She's quite reserved and doesn't make friends well. We're just totally opposite which I've known for years. She's content with our life, I'm not. I never have been, something has always been missing. Believe it or not, my true love knows me..truly knows me deep inside better than my own wife. It's just wild. I know that I care about my wife but our relationship is more of a friendship anymore. We go months without making love and there is no fire. We've both tried to ignite a fire on occasion but just can't get it off. As I said, she's content, I'm not. I know what I really want and have always wanted. There has never been any doubt that I wanted the love of my life, I always have and always will. Now, to our child. My child is everything to me and is do dependant on us as parents. He feels safe and secure which is great. The bad thing is that his father is in love with someone else. I can't devistate him but I'm not happy. I'm content, but not happy....truly happy. I feel like this may be my last chance to be with the only person that I have truly loved....the one that can truly touch my heart like no other. I can't imagine living the rest of my life with out my true love. My relationship with my wife exists for our child. He will be grown soon and we will have nothing left in common. My heart tells me that I need to be with my true love but my head tells me that I'm being selfish. An post like this can not truly relate my feelings for my true love. The world to me has always revolved around her, she is my reason to be here on this earth. My wife will not talk about our relationship. It's just something that is not discussed, she clams up. There is security here in my home but I continually desire to be with my One True Love. Please help...has anyone else ever gone through anything like this? I'm dying inside every day.