Derek
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Everything posted by Derek
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the fear may be losing him if his friends don't like you... Someone who is as intelligent as you can certainly make people rise to a notch above "small talk". Maybe just have genuine curiosity about people no matter their caste or place in live. Perhaps just meet one or two at a time instead of a whole group at once. Then you both could ease into it and when you meet the big group then you will have some allies to start with. Derek
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Just Friends or Is He Just Nervous to Do Something About It?
Derek replied to MissDashwood's topic in Dating Advice
Let me sum up the matter in my view: MissDashwood, aren't you worth more than wishy-washy love? Give it up with that guy. He's weak. -
Dude, Guys often think in terms of technique, like "position lever here, press button there" and then "such and such" happens. But women are holistic. (look it up) Think in terms of atmosphere, location, music, smells, her entire day, her entire life. How do you make her forget about all the rest that is going on in her multi-tasking brain. Think about using every sense, hearing (music, sensual talk), taste (strawberries, ice cream), touch (clothes, gloves, silk, oil, massage, showers), visual (candles, lights), smell (shower,cologne, candles) Don't need to do all that at once either, mix it up. If you really want a technique or recipe, how about this: instead of pump action, try doing figure eights with your hips like a latin dancer. Try alternating deep vs shallow penetration. Try oral sex until orgasm for her first, then any thing after than is just a bonus for her. Mutually timed orgasm is not the holy grail. Try hot tubs, friction, cyber talk, phone talk, ice cubes, carbonated drinks, syrops, fruits, wax, power tools, tops of washer/dryers, leather boots/gloves.
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Best Friends of 14 years and he has FEELINGS for me...
Derek replied to Adrianne's topic in Friendship and Friends
If you can just let it be and not talk about it, fine, Time will eventually let his feelings fade. But if it does come up, perhaps you can say "Kenny, I don't think we are a romantic match right now, but I want you to know I want you to be happy. I think we should both try and get a boyfriend and girlfriend for each of us and we can gossip about them later on. Whatddya say?" He'll mumble, "but I'll be happy with you..." You'll say, " but it just can't work for me, I'm sorry, let's just enjoy the movie." And he'll sulk... Time will pass... Then he'll get over it when he meets that Grade 12 girl with the flippy blonde hair and her cute apple bottomed jeans. Then he'll really get over it when he's in college and meets 20 of those same kinda girls. Then he'll marry one of those losers. Then you'll be lonely and wonder "what if..." Or not... -
I look at the posts and Rufus makes me laugh. I see a dripping sarcasm, snappy wit that I bet alot of ladies would be entertained by. The thread said something along the lines of instead of trying to make them like you, try to "make them feel good" Can you be flirty and entertaining. Funny. Making fun of them and their "boy toys" and making fun of the absurdities of life. If you can do those things, You could be a contender my boy. They might see that there is more to you than you are letting on. Your mother taught you too well to put women on a pedestal. Women are just as good and bad as guys are. They have their faults and foibles too. Just as guys do. Women are human. Treat them like humans. Derek
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My read is she is in the middle of friendszoning him. He's serious, he's not that flirty, he's always there to "do stuff with". I think he's gotta push the romantic envelop, even one level (hands or a kiss) and see how she reacts. I read the stuff about acne/clothes/demeanor as just rationalizations for a pattern of behaviour. Eventually you have to take it at face value. She may not be that into you. What's the worst that could happen if you lay your cards on the table? Something like: "I like you, you like me, I'd be happy to try "us" out, would you?" Do the players or ladies on enotalone think that's just too direct? Loses the mystery? To me it sounds like they've built enough rapport over the many activities they've done. Why not risk it? Derek
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Well, Doesn't sound like it's balancing out well for you. (you paying for most everything) If you guys have been together for 8 months, might you have enough connection to talk about this honestly together? Like couldn't you gently remind him that he's got to give a little too. If after talking about it (not just hinting but him really understanding), things don't change even a little... Then can you live with what he's giving you? (sounds like you can't) Then perhaps he's not the Long Term guy for you. About what dating IS? well it's supposed to be "get-to-know-ya" time for two people to learn about each other and share experiences together to see if they are compatible for further exclusive commitment (often marriage). In reality it often is both people put their best foot forward and cover up their flaws. So you meet each other's best representative at first. So even when he's supposed to be putting his best foot forward, he's not cutting it? That's a bad sign. Imagine down the road when you are actually taken for granted, what kind of effort he'll put in then. Derek
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Well, the women in this thread may have given me back a little hope in the opposite sex again. I'd rather a relationship be REAL in every way. Even if it doesn't look like a hollywood romance. At least it's real...
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Clever girl... I recently had to give someone the honest truth, i.e. the "let's just be friends" bit... she was none too pleased... She thought I analyzed the relationship far too much. I thought I was being honest and direct. Perhaps I could have "played along" with everything being Care Bears and Lollipops but that wouldn't have been honest. Hrm.
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"attraction" is too vague. Some guys might like how she carries herself. A girl might like the way he makes her laugh. A guy might like her feet even. A girl might like the dimples in his cheeks. But that's only the start of things isn't it... Then maybe once you learn more it's about how they fit into your life. How they make you feel. How they influence you. How they challenge you. Or perhaps more sinister, how they LOOK on your arm. Or how you look on THEIR arm. The Attraction can change as people know each other more. You wonder how models and actresses lose in love (divorce) all the time when they are the most "attractive" (and rich) people in the world. If it really was about mere looks, they'd have it made no?
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Is Raykay an exception to "most girls" ? =) Maybe I should have worded it more like, they want to "feel" like they are the one and only most special girl of all time, ever, etc. If a girl wants the fantasy over reality, perhaps she's not strong enough to handle the truth? (denial?)
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When dating, Girls want to think they are the only one, they want to think they are the center of your attention, they want to think they turn you on and no other, they want to think they are the only thing on your mind, they want to think they are special above all others, they want to be swept off their feet in a whirlwind of romance and pure love. If a guy is honest about what he is really thinking or feeling, (i.e. he's not sure about it) the ladies get mad because he broke the romantic fantasy. He "talked about it" and thus "ruined it". The guy ruined the girl's fantasy land with honesty. Do most women really want a man to feed their own romantic fantasy instead of the realism of honesty? If so, where is the line between little white lies to give her what she wants and very black lies which could use her?
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I can't read between the lines for all the flirting going on...
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Need Advice On Giving GF Oral (looking for replys from women mostly..)
Derek replied to shy_guy_3's topic in Sex and Romance
My advice is to touch, alot, everywhere else, tenderly and perhaps firmly too. Regarding the actual act, perhaps try things like: - draw the entire alphabet with your tongue on her outsides. - no teeth - don't just toungue flic (don't do like you see in porn, porn angles and lights are made to "see", but don't always feel that great), instead of flic'ing, eat the whole thing, drool all over, be messy. - mix it up, use variety, it can get painfully sensitive if you do the same thing over and over (like your manhood can too) - it's all about the clitoris in the end. - the finger advice from above is good, - it's easier to find the g-spot if she's warmed up - lubrication is good. - listen to her advice, - ask her for feedback, but not on every little thing, surprise her a little You said you wanted advice from women, have you asked yourself why would most straight women know how to give women oral? -
I'm a man, don't trust what a man says when he's in the middle of making out with you. He's not thinking straight. =)
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To RC and Caroline: Oh you romantics... Haven't you fallen into disillusioned cynicism like the rest of the world? =) I'll think about it. Absolutely true about adventures and oxytocin, a girl (who had a boyfriend at the time but so what... and I walked through a haunted house "adventure" together, holding hands in the dark the whole time, getting spooked out by everything, we were both shaking and adrenaline was through the roof when we walked out into the sun again. It was a clear bonding experience. I get chills thinking of it now. =) Very fun. The girl in question though doesn't seem to like scary movies even...
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If I look at the possibilities from what I know now, what I see is a very "comfortable", easy going, friendship and relationship. It would be a nice boyfriend-girlfriend time together, convenient even. Anything beyond that is murky for me to see. So I am concerned that it would be so comfortable that I'd be bored. And it would be much worse for both of us to stop the train then. P.S. Sometimes being honest is no fun at all. I'd have liked it to work out. I think as a poster said previously, I am hoping for "something" instead of "someone".
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Thanks for the feedback everyone, I had a talk with her about some of this but didn't close the door yet. I am on the verge of having a "this is as far as we go" conversation with her. But I am trying to consider the possibilities that RC was getting at. Some of the best relationships start out as friendships. Funny enough, she not being "clingy" or "desperate", she's being quite reasonable and realistic. It would be much easier if she was psycho. =) On paper we seem to be a good combination. I find it interesting that the ladies read into the "she's not a model" line that I'm not attracted to her. I am torn about that aspect too. I don't think of myself as a superficial guy. I can always find something about everyone that is attractive. But if I'm honest, the physical spark isn't there but I could still be convinced otherwise. She's a bit shy, reserved, very nice, easy going. But I'm finding I'm not getting enough feedback from her. (Like she's barely flirting with me, is shy about touching me, even an arm.) Too shy, too nice. I hate to have to compare, but I can't help but remember my previous relationship and for me everything clicked. Sadly after a few months where I thought everything was going swimmingly, she gave me the "lets just be friends" bit. I certainly do know what it was like for everything to click, but yet that one that I was "sure of" didn't work out. So maybe my people-reading skills aren't as good as I thought. That's my dilemma. We haven't gotten in too deep that I'm going to hurt many feelings, so perhaps attempting the "friendship" bit won't be too hurtful. That's the way I'm leaning. I don't particularly like the wishy-washy "lets be friends" stuff though, because I was the recipient of that before too. Someone asked, if she were to date someone else would I be happy? If she was happy, I'd be happy for her. I care about her, but it feels more like a "brotherly" caring.
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How long should I wait for the "chemistry" to happen? So I'm been out with a nice girl four times, we've probably spent almost 20 hours together. We've made dinner together. We've done the typical restaurant/movie thing too. We've done outdoorsy things together. I'm trying to be more "open to possibilities" than I have been before. i.e. I'm not dismissing someone because they were missing one item on the proverbial checklist. The "Real Thing" for me would be a partner that connects on all levels, intellectually, physically, emotionally, spiritually say. Intellectually we're on the same wavelength. We're in similar places in life, similar backgrounds. Have enough common ground. We can talk for hours just fine. We don't seem to have awkward pauses. She's almost too nice, too shy. She's almost too much like me. Physically, she's attractive enough. I'm not a model so I don't expect her to be one either. I'm trying to not be superficial about looks and just let that be, and I am finding she's becoming more attractive as I know her more. But... My heart isn't in it. I'm not finding the "click", I'm not feeling the chemistry. And I'm kinda disappointed that I'm not. She deserves better than that. She deserves someone that is falling for her in every aspect. And I hate to say that so far I'm not... Should I wait for my heart to catch up to my brain and my body? If so, how long? I don't want to lead anyone on. I don't wanna use anyone. Doesn't she deserve someone who is sure ? Can anyone be sure of a future after only a couple dates anyway? How important is that spark of "chemistry" anyway?
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Hi, Sounds like you've got a good head on your shoulders and you have a balanced perspective on it. (no soul mates, yet chemistry) Your motto in your sig "if you always do what you've always done, you will always get what you've always gotten" So I am curious, you sound like you've mined the Internet Dating circles, have you considered adding some new interests? To mine new and different circles? Perhaps churches or community groups, outdoorsy interests (hiking, kayaking, mounting bikes ), dancing lessons/parties (swing, latin) . Are there some farmers/workers around that could do some stuff for ya on your farm? (just pretend you can't fix that fence or faucet for one time and see what guys come outta the wordwork to help y'know? =) There is nothing wrong with advertising to your friends and family that you're looking for love and willing to check out any friend of a friend. It really is about volume dating. There's nothing desperate about being honest and wanting to fulfill a goal or dream in life (like say a partner). At 46 who gives a care what anybody else thinks. You've earned the right to say what you mean and mean what you say to the world eh? These days it seems to be "in" to be in your 40s and still kickin' it with a very active life.
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If you are constantly with married and "unavailable" guys that never commit, how does that make you look to the "Real Guys" ? If that's your reputation and vibe that you're always the "affair" girl. Ever thought that perhaps the singles guys decide they don't wanna touch that? If you don't mind being the "crazy-time" girl, then that's all you'll be. What you think of yourself is what others think of you... Guys have *some* people reading skills... Give us some credit.
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curbie: short answer, yes she would, she'd see you in a different light. If you had the attitude that you didn't care what she thinks, she'd wonder what happened to you overnight. Mysterious is good.
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That reminds me of a time I was walking with a girl who happened to be well dressed and well put together that day. She was walking confidently and so was I. Everyone, both guys and girls were looking at her, alot. I think the girls liked how her outfit looked and the guys liked how she looked in the outfit. They might have had a short glance at me, but eyes were mostly on her. And I felt happy to be with her and that she was with me. It made me square my shoulders, walk taller, stand straighter and I thought it was great. It's nice to feel proud of your girl too and to tell her so. (Not like a trophy to be paraded though) She is choosing to be with you everyday. Enjoy.
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Actually, I have heard that for shy guys, going into a mall and striking up conversations with all the sales girls is a good training step. They will usually have to smile and at least be polite. Like go in each store and say you're looking for something for your sister or mom or whatever and make pleasant conversation. Usually they are bored and would be happy to talk. You coulda asked her stuff like if she just started her shift or what it's like working there or if she likes her boss or whatever. Find something to joke about too. Of course you get nervous, of course you get flustered. Feel it, acknowledge it, take a slow breath and go ahead anyway. Every guy (and girl) has been where you are since the dawn of time. (overcoming fear) You can find your unique way around it.
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The 3 second rule, it basically is "don't hesitate", the hesitation can be seen as lack of confidence Be confident in yourself enough to just lay it out there, to just not care what the other person thinks. Approach immediately (within 3 seconds). Talk immediately. Eye contact immediately. It's clear signals that you are interested. And interested in her especially, right here, right now. She is going to like being the center of attention so quickly for you. It's like you putting the spotlight on her right away and you didn't have a second thought about her. She likes feeling like she's number one on your list to pay attention to. Actually she likes feeling that she is the only one on your list. Not hesitating helps that feeling.