radioheader
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good for you! i always thought it would be like that if my husband and i split up after our 15 years...i wouldn't want to date...just be me and be on my own...but we've got 2 kids so i try to work and make it thru his infidelity...but i do know that i am not one of those who would have to fall into another relationship right away! enjoy discovering yourself!
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i agree...you end it however you need to end it...i wouldn't do well trying to put up a front for that long either...stay strong and take care of yourself...you deserve so much better and will find better someday soon!
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it is very real and those who don't have it sometimes just don't get it (like tom cruise commenting on brooke shield's depression)...you deserve to try whatever might help...my husband was the same way about therapists at first...took him years to decide to try and he went to 3 to find the right one but it did help him and he is a firm believer of them now...i think you shoudl give one a try and just not tell your family if you don't think they'll be supportive (your an adult and don't have to have there approval)...and the therapist can talk to you about why your father just does't get depression...it is so easy to judge others....you never know how you will feel about anything for sure until you experience it yourself...these are just suggestions...i think it couldn't hurt...what have you got to lose?
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How do I amke my friend see shes going to end up hurt ?
radioheader replied to ChocoBB's topic in Infidelity
i was kinda in this situation too...i was there to support my friend and give her advice...i told her i didn't agree but that she was the adult and had to make her own decisions...the one thing i stressed is you better be ready to deal with the consequences if they arise...ie husband finding out...(my husband was just caught in an affair when this happened) so it was kina awkward...i was listening to her and then dealing with my own troubles ...but we were there for each other and made it thru each...she ended her short affair and i made it thru his infidelity thru counseling...be supportive but be realistic about what she could lose....good luck. -
have you considered going to a therapist? (from experience...they really do help if you find one you like!) it sounds like depression is sinking in...we can all get in bad routines both physically and mentally...i think it would be very helpful to try to find some help with a service on campus...it's been a while since i went to college but i know they had resources for people who needed help... i also know that there are many others who feel the same way you do...college can be a tough time b/c you are supposed to be figuring out what to do the rest of your life and really most of us don't figure that out until much later...i bet there is a support group at your college for different issues as well...please check into it and try to locate some help. you do not deserve to feel this way...if it is a chemical imbalance, there are so many good medications out there with fewer side effects that can help you get out of this slump...but only a therapist will be able to know for sure! hang in there and come back to talk here anytime!
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deny...i am so sorry...i have been in your shoes....it is so hard when your husband is having an affair (i've been married 14 years)...it is so hurtful and deceitful...i totally agree with honeyspur! it is time to get serious about letting him know your boundaries and what you want from your marriage...counseling is a must and really can work if both parties are willing...also go get the book love must be tough by james dobson...it is a must read in your situation. i found it so helpful...(it has religious references so if you are not religious just over look them) he describes real life situations of affairs and unwilling partners and how to handle them when you want to try to get them to wake up and come back... please get support for yourself and take care of yourself so you can be strong for your children. they are going to need you so much...and ask family members to help out too...it's time to call on those who are close to you! you are going to experience so many emotions and feelings thru all of this no matter how it ends up! stay strong....we are here if you need us!
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i've been in this situation...and i'm so glad you found out his tru ways b/f you got married. i wish i would've found out b/f marriage! see this as a true gift and move on! you know you desereve so much better and you do! just look at the mature way you are going about all of this. you do need to feel your emotions and let that anger out but don't give him a second chance if he begs you back...you aren't attached and free to walk away without a messy divorce or invloved kids!!! stay strong...you will feel better soon!!!
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Frustrated/Angry Need Opinions &Advice
radioheader replied to confusedmama's topic in Divorce Advice
i also think the other poster was letting her own feelings/past experience enter the situation...you are not petty...you just want what your kids need and you need their father to help financially to provide that. i can tell you are a strong woman and i am so sorry that you are going thru this...these boys are lucky to have a mother who cares for them and will provide/fight for them. stay strong for those boys and continue to pursue what is right...some day when they are older they will thank you for it! -
one thing that you need to think about is that you are not living in reality with him...it is fantasy...it is so easy to be great to each other when you have a long distance relationship and don't have to deal with the day in and day out routine of living...esp with his kids!...(i'm assuming that is what it is when you say you see him every 4-6 weeks) i am on the otherside of an affair (twice) and it has been so hurtful and tough...i have 2 kids too...it just seems so unfair to live a lie...which is what you are both doing...your spouses deserve to know so that they can decide if they want to stay married and committed when the both of you are not...if they decide it is worth tolerating at least everyone is being honest...everyone deserves honesty in a marriage...that is the bottom line with me...honesty or you have nothing. (try to put yourself in your spouse's shoes) some marry for the wrong reasons and if this is your case and he is truly your soul mate, please tell your spouses and let them have a say in their marriage...it is only the right thing to do...then there will be no more hiding and you can be soulmates together...and live in the real world. and i don't think that a divorce would totally screw up his kids if he is unhappy...kids will pick up on that...plus they are so young that they will adapt to a new lifestyle pretty easliy...if he waits until they are teens it will be much harder on them...just my opinion....good luck with your future...i'm sure it will be tough if you continue to live this way...and i really don't intend that in a "mean" way...i'm just trying to be honest.
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STBX - some are clouded with a lifetime of unhappiness...and she sounds like one of those people...just the fact that she will not try therapy (it really does help!!!) is a screaming endorsement of where she stands and how much the marriage means to her...you deserve happiness...pure and simple happiness (we all do!) which is not going to happen with this woman... then again, i know how hard it is for some to leave something familiar/known (even if it is negative) for the unknown...but think how that unknown could bring you some relief...some long needed relief! good luck...
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just wondering how you are doing...i know 1/3 was a very low day for you...positive thoughts your way.
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i think that some women like the attention that the skimpy clothes gets them...they thrive on it...i like to dress sexy every once and a while but am more concervative b/c i don't like to be stared at by other guys...i guess i am more conservative though...we all have our individual styles...but if it makes you uncomfortable, you should be able to express your opinion...it is up to her whether she does anything about it or not...
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emotional affairs are serious business...it is only time until they turn physical (happened with my husband and a co-worker) you have every right to be hurt and concerned. couples therapy might help you all address what has been missing in your relationship and why she went outside the marriage to get needs met. it is easier said than done when someone leaves an emotional affair...she will probably go thru a grieving process to let that affair go...there are some good books out there...one of them is call not "just friends" by shirley glass...it will talk about everyone's perspective on it all...time should heal some of your pain but you have been betrayed and you will ride a rollercoaster of emotions for some time...if she is serious about it ending and being committed to you, you will feel it...she has to let you be able to express your hurt and anger for you both to move forward...but at some point you will need to forgive if you are to move forward in a healthy manner....good luck!
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i'm in this situation as well...husband cheated twice in 14 year marriage..once in the beginning and the other 1 1/2 ago. he moved out and then courted me back and moved back in a year ago...everything was great until he became confused about the other woman afer a few months and we hit counseling again...he promied he woudn't contact her while working on our marriage but in the end he did in october secretly...it finially came out but he said it gave him final closure (she had a new boyfriend and had moved on...i'd say that is one type of closure!) but really that was kinda the last straw...we had built up some trust again through honest communication and then he threw it all away on that phone call....now he says he is truly over her and committed to me and the kids...but i just can't seem to really trust him...but i don't snoop...it is like i just don't care anymore!...i'm not sure you can ever get the trust back totally...the real question is whether you can live with it or not...
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my guess is still that there is someone else who interests him (maybe not all out affair but interest)...he has it so good with her to just walk away...but maybe there is a mid-life thing as well since they've been together for so long... i would definitely go for couseling and try separation first...he may be too idealistic about the "single" life...or the greener grass!
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i am so sorry too that you are experienceing this...please try to locate a couselor who can help you navigate the emotional rollercoaster you are on and will be on for some time...they really do help sort things out and put things into perspective....good luck and hang in there!
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i didn't think mine had the time for an affair either but they did most of their contacting during the day (work hours) and e-mails...it was more of an emotional affair that led to a physical one...he was home at night/weekends and would say he loved me as well...some men are just really good at hiding things...and can get really confused! but you may be right...he may be experiencing stress from another source and just taking it out on the relationship for some reason...whatever the reason you deserve to know the truth and get help...my therapist helped me so much!
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my husband kinda did this thing too after 13 years together and there was another woman eventhough he denied it!...9 times out of 10 if someone just leaves a marriage and wants to be "single"...there is someone else. i know this may not be what you want to hear but after looking back at everything i went thru i wish i had know the truth the first time he said he wanted to be on his own...(happened twice within a year...moved out and then back in after a week just to move out a few months later again) you deserve the whole truth so you can heal....get with a therapist quick...they are so helpful in talking with you about what to expect in these situations...you will feel such extreme feelings at first and think it will never end! here is a good book i found in case you wnat to read something...love must be tough by james dobson...it talks about this very thing and gives some good advice when a partner wants to walk out. (has some religious undercurrents but you can overlook these if this is not your thing)...but really good advice. hang in there and take care of yourself...i lost 12 lbs in the first month mine moved out as well...but realized that i deserved so much better than to let myself fall apart...i had 2 kids to be strong for as well. you will make it thru this difficult time...we are here for support when you need us!
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your intense pain is totally normal and will eventually subside...you should get counseling...they can help you understand the steps you will go thru while grieving this loss...and help you focus on what you need to get thru this difficult time. i would be surprised if her rebound relationship lasts...they usually don't! hang in there it will get better eventually...
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you are smart to never marry him...he is a compulsive cheater and will find another willing soul if you leave him...some men just aren't strong enough to handle life without a mistress and he is one of those...the grass is always greener to him...good luck and get out...
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i don't know the full story but...just take it slow...when you start dating again everthing will seem wonderful...you will only show your best and then reality will set in...that is what happened to me and now i am questioning whether i need to be here or not...i jumped back to him after he cheated and now i think i may have too soon...stay optimistic and keep the lines of communication open...good luck!
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Mom having affair. Need advice before I lose it.
radioheader replied to jwzdc's topic in Divorce Advice
i think you should tell your mom and tell her you want to talk to a counselor of your own to sort thru your feelings (or clergy member,trusted community member.etc.)...you should not hold it in if it is eating away at you...we all need support in times of need. everything you are feeling is valid and expected...a good couselor can help you get thru this! good luck. -
i don't have experience with this situation...but...don't you have a divorce decree issued by the state that he has to pay some child support and be on a determined visiting schedule with your child? if so, could you take him back to court to enforce it? i hate it when there is a deadbeat bad (or mother)...but the literature does say that most fathers' contact significantly decreases after the first couple of years after the divorce... hang in there and i hope there will be others who have experienced this who can comment...and btw...you are totally valid for feeling the way you do...don't think of yourself as jealous or selfish...you just want what is right and fair for you and especially your son.
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wow...you are feeling a lot of pain/confusion...i was once in your shoes but not as a severe story. husband cheated with co-worker and he pretty much put me down and thought a lot of it was me... hang in there and vent away! you are riding a roller coaster of emotions that will last a while for you as you work through all of this! there is a book called love must be tough by james dobson that is good if you are up for a read. i do think that he is a master manipulator too! like an addictive personality (alocoholic,etc.) i think you will become an enabler to him if you continue with him...i'm sure that doesn't lessen the pain at all but i think he won't change...at least at this point. take are of yourself and keep coming back for support when you need it...you don't deserve what he is doing to you...you deserve happiness...we all do!
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What did you learn the most from your affair?
radioheader replied to Heisinmyheart's topic in Infidelity
rainynight, that was very heavy and i bet true for many others...i bet a lot of people just think they can have an affair and not get too attached to the married one in the beginning...but you are only human and after a while you want it all...thanks for sharing that.
